GreySkyMorning Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I have a dilemma thats driving me crazy. My romantic relationship with xmm has been over with since last March. Dday happened, he threw me under the bus, backed over me a few times, obliterated me and now he's playing happy family man. She believes there is NC and that he's behaving. Truth is, we still have constant text contact as "friends". Anyway, I've been officially dating a SG since just before Halloween. I really really like this guy a lot. I could see this lasting a long time. He's met my family, I've met his family. Our kids don't hate each other. Actually, my kids even like him. It feels good, feels safe, comfortable. He's honestly what I want and need in a relationship and man. It should be perfect. The problem is the connection, sorta. I love spending time with him and just being in his arms. Theres no sexual connection though. I keep remembering how it was with xmm when I'd be aroused just from a look from him. I really miss that. SG and I have sex and it's ultimately ok. But its not like I had with xmm. I struggle to even get aroused at all. And its certainly not because he is doing anything wrong. He's great in bed. I want to feel that with him, so much. I really am starting to care about this man a whole lot. I want this in our relationship too. I'm afraid it's impossible though. I'm scared this is the way it's always going to be now and that the passion is gone completely from my life now. I don't even want xmm back. He's a jerk. I just want to feel that connection with the man I'm dating now.
Nothisgirl Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 They are different people, XMM and SG so ultimately I don't think you'll ever feel the exact same but id be willing to bet money on your sexual attraction to SG increasing if you end all contact with MM. With him lingering, even as "friends" you'll always compare the two. Also, what's more important to you? Being treated well and cherished by a man that respects you and wants to give you 100% or sexual chemistry with a guy who threw you under the bus and selfishly has you as a friend...I'm not judging, I'm asking because I know I'll struggle with the same thing because stbxmm and I have crazy chemistry as well. On another note I'm thrilled for you that you've met someone genuinely good. You're deserving of that. Let yourself enjoy it 1
SunsetRed Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I've experienced the same thing. I think its because my relationship w xMM was based on a fantasy illusion or in other words, Bullsh@#t. What Ive experienced w single guys is more real and down to earth. Its hard for real to measure up to all the fantasy lies MM fed me. Also, MMs have a way of making you feel like you are a wife, or at least very special to them. single guys are a little less suave. Maybe MMs are good at acting like husbands because well, they are husbands. Not sure what advice to give on how to change how you feel. Someone on here gave me the advice that whenever I am comparing a new guy to xMM, to just think of all the times xMM looked at his watch and said "ohh, gotta run" and to remember all the weekends and holidays I was alone because he was with "his kids" which means he was with his wife. With a single guy, we don't have to play second fiddle to a wife anymore. 2
Learningtoletgo Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I am in the same boat, except that I'm trying to move on from my affair with my SO who I have been with for 12 years. One of the reasons that I had the affair is because sex with my SO is just so not fulfilling for me. I mean we have been together for such a long time that he knows what buttons to push, if u know what I mean, but I always feel kind blah during and even after.. Sex with my mm was absolutely amazing. It was everything I wanted. I was turned on just by hearing his voice, and like you, one look at him and I was done. Everything about him turned me on, everything. We only had crazy, wild, fantasy sex though; we ended the relationship before it really became emotional "making love" type sex. Right after our first (and only) time sleeping together (although we messed around several other times doing pretty much everything else besides sleeping together) we both freaked because we knew that our sexual chemistry and overall connection was dangerous. Anyway, now I'm dealing with the same feelings as you in that I feel like I will never have that passionate, intense sexual chemistry ever again. It's really hard to come to terms with that, but what I'm trying to do is focus on the stuff I do have with my SO and not what I don't have. I'm also trying hard to communicate to my SO what my likes are, and what my desires are. And although sex with him is nothing like with my mm, it had gotten a little better. Overall, I am hoping that my memories with mm fade as time go by. And they are a bit already (it's been 4 mo. NC)....I used to replay my intimate times with him in my head over, and over and over. Now, I still do, but not as much. So I guess I'm reaching the point where I see a LITTLE light at the end of the tunnel. But damn, it's soooooo hard.
MissBee Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I have a dilemma thats driving me crazy. My romantic relationship with xmm has been over with since last March. Dday happened, he threw me under the bus, backed over me a few times, obliterated me and now he's playing happy family man. She believes there is NC and that he's behaving. Truth is, we still have constant text contact as "friends". Anyway, I've been officially dating a SG since just before Halloween. I really really like this guy a lot. I could see this lasting a long time. He's met my family, I've met his family. Our kids don't hate each other. Actually, my kids even like him. It feels good, feels safe, comfortable. He's honestly what I want and need in a relationship and man. It should be perfect. The problem is the connection, sorta. I love spending time with him and just being in his arms. Theres no sexual connection though. I keep remembering how it was with xmm when I'd be aroused just from a look from him. I really miss that. SG and I have sex and it's ultimately ok. But its not like I had with xmm. I struggle to even get aroused at all. And its certainly not because he is doing anything wrong. He's great in bed. I want to feel that with him, so much. I really am starting to care about this man a whole lot. I want this in our relationship too. I'm afraid it's impossible though. I'm scared this is the way it's always going to be now and that the passion is gone completely from my life now. I don't even want xmm back. He's a jerk. I just want to feel that connection with the man I'm dating now. Hey Grey, You've pretty much admitted, almost gloated even, that you are in constant text with the MM although he's supposed to be in NC. I'm not being rude here, but I'm wondering if you're oblivious to how this is still a form of EA and how trying to be "friends" with him will not allow you to be truly open and available to move on? You still have one foot in MM's house, so to speak, albeit dating a single man. Does your boyfriend know you text with your ex affair partner daily as friends? If your boyfriend had an ex MW he was texting daily would you feel that was perfectly fine? You very much are still tethered to MM by this "friendship", which is inappropriate since you are clearly also doing it behind his wife's back. I mean that's the first clue: if your friendship with someone has to be a secret, it's a problem. And if it's also a secret from your own boyfriends...come on. You're not starting your relationship on a good foundation if such is the case and it may not bode well in the future. I would suggest you let go of this "friendship" if you're truly interested in being able to let it go and move on. Edited January 10, 2014 by MissBee 1
blue963 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Not being mean, if this SG is so wonderful, just drop the xMM. Put everything you have relationship wise into the SG. Enjoy!
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Your friendship and texting with exMM is now an EA. Your feelings, both emotional and sexual are still being fed. This new boyfriend of yours doesn't have a chance as long as exMM is still in your life. I know you think you're over exMM, the A is over, but you are still getting something from him. He's on your mind way too much and you compare him in bed, what you've felt with the new guy vs exMM. Until you totally cut exMM out of your life and let go of him completely, any guy, let alone your bf, doesn't have a real chance to be in your heart. 1
Scott Thomas Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I am in the same boat, except that I'm trying to move on from my affair with my SO who I have been with for 12 years. One of the reasons that I had the affair is because sex with my SO is just so not fulfilling for me. I mean we have been together for such a long time that he knows what buttons to push, if u know what I mean, but I always feel kind blah during and even after.. Sex with my mm was absolutely amazing. It was everything I wanted. I was turned on just by hearing his voice, and like you, one look at him and I was done. Everything about him turned me on, everything. We only had crazy, wild, fantasy sex though; we ended the relationship before it really became emotional "making love" type sex. Right after our first (and only) time sleeping together (although we messed around several other times doing pretty much everything else besides sleeping together) we both freaked because we knew that our sexual chemistry and overall connection was dangerous. Anyway, now I'm dealing with the same feelings as you in that I feel like I will never have that passionate, intense sexual chemistry ever again. It's really hard to come to terms with that, but what I'm trying to do is focus on the stuff I do have with my SO and not what I don't have. I'm also trying hard to communicate to my SO what my likes are, and what my desires are. And although sex with him is nothing like with my mm, it had gotten a little better. Overall, I am hoping that my memories with mm fade as time go by. And they are a bit already (it's been 4 mo. NC)....I used to replay my intimate times with him in my head over, and over and over. Now, I still do, but not as much. So I guess I'm reaching the point where I see a LITTLE light at the end of the tunnel. But damn, it's soooooo hard. As long as you have fond memories and feel butterflies in your stomach when you think about the MM, you won't reconnect with your SO. You haven't posted your story so I may not be able to provide any detailed feedback, though at times it is better to let something go rather than salvaging burnt remains.
yellowmaverick Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Grey - give it some time. Sometimes the loves that start more as a friendship and then grow are the ones that are deepest in the long run. I was not hot for my STBXWH when I met him. It took a while for my physical attraction to catch up with my emotional attraction to him. But, at the end of the day, he was the love of my life...well, until he had his affair.
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