rumbleseat Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Many people say that they have learned a lot from an affair, be they bs, ws, or ow/om. They speak of how they have grown as a person, and the lessons they have learned. If you are one such person, do you feel that the heartache the A caused was an acceptable price to pay for this knowledge and growth? Was it worth it? Or was it more a situation of " when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade"? If you are one of the parties who were actually involved in the A, do you think the positives you got from it outweighed the negatives ( ether for yourself or anyone else)? Would you do it all over again? Although my h's A was quite a long time ao, and I did learn and grow from it ( as did our marriage), and speaking as one of the people who paid the highest price, I would have to say that it was NOT worth it.
katielee Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 As a former WW - not even close to worth it. Plus, karma hit me hard. as a BS - nope, not worth it. It proved my husband is human but it also proved he's capable of cruelty and evil. i guess it's good to know that. Not so sure it's good to be married to someone who can do that - and this I answer from both sides. I can only control my side of the equation and know I'm faithful. I have to take a leap of faith with him and I'm' not very good at that, and I'm wondering if he deserves it. Our marriage was really not bad before. And I've never been happier or more connected to him than I was between the time I told him the truth and his affair - that was about 6 months long. I cannot say our marriage has grown. It is the same as it was before - not bad - but with mistrust and a crushing disappointment.
JamesM Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Can I add an additional question? Thanks. To take it farther...if your marriage was not what you wanted and it led to the affair, would you rather go back pre-affair and live as you were without any changes? Or would you go back and do something different to prevent the affair and to fix the marriage? What? I ask because it is easy to look back and want to eliminate the pain from the breakdown resulting from the affair, but the situation that led to the affair (whether it be personal failure or marital failure) would still be there. And if anything can come of your (those that read this) affair and failures, then it may be that your hindsight can prevent someone else from choosing an affair to solve their current problems. They may look at your advice and use it to stay out of an affair that is enticing them this very day. Does that make sense? So...what would you do to change what caused the affair whether it be you or your marriage?
whatatangledweb Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Many people say that they have learned a lot from an affair, be they bs, ws, or ow/om. They speak of how they have grown as a person, and the lessons they have learned. If you are one such person, do you feel that the heartache the A caused was an acceptable price to pay for this knowledge and growth? Was it worth it? Or was it more a situation of " when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade"? If you are one of the parties who were actually involved in the A, do you think the positives you got from it outweighed the negatives ( ether for yourself or anyone else)? Would you do it all over again? Although my h's A was quite a long time ao, and I did learn and grow from it ( as did our marriage), and speaking as one of the people who paid the highest price, I would have to say that it was NOT worth it. What I learned was the person I revolved my life around and loved with all my heart betrayed me because he had a MLC. He felt old..boo f@cking hoo. I trust very few people but I trusted him. I learned just because someone can act the same way as usual they can be lying right to your face.That he could do that to me after everything I had been through in my life is beyond cruel. I learned that no matter how good our marriage was it is only as safe as the two people in it. I learned that the ones you love most are the ones that scar you for life. Was it worth it ? Hell no. I asked him many times was it worth it. He said no, he wishes he could undo it. He betrayed himself as much as he betrayed me. His mother cheated and destroyed their family. He also held that against her...then he does it. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I have a virtual PhD in a subject I'm not even interested in and paid a hell of a price for it. No, it wasn't worth it. 3
tiredofitall2 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Nope, as both the WW and then BS I feel it was the worst thing to ever happen to me. I made the biggest mistake and I feel my STBXW did as well. I think she has now come to realize this too. But now everything is way too damaged. We could have arrived at a better place in our M without this mess. I wish I could go back in time and change all I the mess I created! Sure, I have learned a lot and I will never make the same mistake, but the price of this lesson was too high, too high!!!!!!!!!
RightThere Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I'm a BS and truthfully, I don't know if it was worth it. I am much smarter, and working on being in a better place than I have ever been. But the emotional toll on myself and my family could be damage I cannot totally see right now. I fall more under the category of "Things happen for a reason" so I accept what has been given to me and use it to make me better. 1
Fluttershy Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I changed a lot for the good. My husband and I have a wonderful life togethor. For me, reconciliation was worth it. But if I could make it never have happened... I'd still do that. But there is no point in dwelling on it because I can't make it not a part of my history. So I look at the good that came in the aftermath from growing in to a stronger person. It is like a death. Some people let the death of a loved one cripple them forever. Most heal but never stop missing the person that they lost. But after the mourning period you accept that nothing will bring that person back. And so life goes one. My husband betrayed me. He made it easy to reconcile with him by being fully honest and confessing. I made it easier on myself by focusing on makin myself a stronger, independant woman who while I love him and want him I don't need him to live and enjoy life. I got my own identity (seriously I like was super needy and even went as far as to change my opinions to match his). My husband still wishes he could take it all back and says so every so often. And I say "I know" Edited January 10, 2014 by Fluttershy 2
BeingMe Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I have grown so much from this and I intend to use what I've learnt to help others as well. But it has done so much harm to me, our children and most of all to my WH, not that he sees or realises that. My WH is still in contact with OW and enjoying just 'being him'. An affair, no matter what it teaches us, is never worth it. It's like asking if a violent assault was worth it for what we learnt. Learning was forced on us as part of our survival. We come out stronger, but we also come out scarred.
experiencethedevine Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Absolutely never worth the agony and anguish, even though my husband and I have long recovered from his four year affair, I would never be able to go down that road a second time. We are devoted to each other and live a comfortable life full of mutual respect, love and honesty, but the road to get where we are today was riddled with pitfalls and took a monumental effort.
dichotomy Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I had a thread about this a while ago. I finally was pushed to address my own self esteme as a man and sexual being. It was something I avoided, and in all the mess that happened, I had to address this in myself. I probably would have never adressed this without the mess in the marriage and with wife. I also got back in reasonable shape and started focusing on my physical health in addition to my mental health. I also got a amazing child out of this. And while I have complained here about my WW and issues, I can say she has some good character traits and ways of seeing things that I have learned and adopted. So yes, good things have come out of this mess. Without a doubt I am a better man now - albiet with lots of scars though. Does the good outweigh the bad? Well I do that calculation and I am still married - so there it adds up for me to do so.
BHsigh Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I posted this in JamesM's other thread before seeing this one, I suppose this threads mopre appropriate to my answer, so here it is: I would have to say no, it wasn't worht it at all, I would rather go back to the marriage as it was, even if it ended in divorce, rather than go through the pain of being a bs. It annoys me to no end when I hear "my so's affair actually made our marriage better". I'm not saying that it's impossible for others of course, but to me it is, and I can't help but think that they are deluding themselves (just my reactionary thoughts of course). To me, her affair was the final nail in the coffin for me as a person. I already had limited trust in people due to betrayals and hurts throughout my life, the affair just sealed the deal on why I can not and never will trust anyone ever again (friends were involved and knew about her affair while it was going on, even POSOM was supposedly my friend, blah blah blah). Without some trust you cannot form real friendships or relationships, and I am ok with that, which is sad, even I recognize that. However, I would rather not deal with betrayals anymore, and much prefer being shut off from everyone rather than risking it ever again. So no, and if I ever heard my wife say that the affair was worth it in any way, I would go off of the deep end, and I'm not even sure really....... 2
Elias33 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 The price is just too high. It's like you took value from yourself, the way you look at yourself in the mirror. It's not advisable.
Author rumbleseat Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Can I add an additional question? Thanks. To take it farther...if your marriage was not what you wanted and it led to the affair, would you rather go back pre-affair and live as you were without any changes? Or would you go back and do something different to prevent the affair and to fix the marriage? What? I ask because it is easy to look back and want to eliminate the pain from the breakdown resulting from the affair, but the situation that led to the affair (whether it be personal failure or marital failure) would still be there. And if anything can come of your (those that read this) affair and failures, then it may be that your hindsight can prevent someone else from choosing an affair to solve their current problems. They may look at your advice and use it to stay out of an affair that is enticing them this very day. Does that make sense? So...what would you do to change what caused the affair whether it be you or your marriage? To be honest, there was nothing I could have done or not done, unless it was to force my H into therapy before he was ready to acknowledge that he had a problem. His parents are both abusive and hypercontroling. the abuse was not only physical, but the more insidious emotional variety as well. He always kept this part of his life bottled up, so i really didn't know. This made him very sensitive to anything i did that her perceived as " controlling" or unkind, even if it wasn't. He was going through some other stresses in his life, and all of this, coupled with him meeting a woman at work with a lot of issues of her own, led to a perfect storm of sorts. The counselor we saw afterwards talked us through everything, and she explained to him that the things that i was doing were totally normal and appropriate. She encouraged him to open up about his past, and once he did, he began to realize that anyone would have triggered him, not just me. I know it was a very difficult time for him, working through all of that. It was very painful and made him face some truths about himself and his parents that he didn't like. Knowing how hard it was, I was always there for him, but i couldn't do much more than listen and support him. After everything, he has come out the other side as a much happier person. For him, perhaps, that aspect may be worth it, but the hit he took to his self esteem and his self image are things that will likely always haunt him. Nothing i can say can erase that. From my perspective, I learned a lot about being better at listening to him and encouraging him to open up, and there are other positives I can take away as well. It is still not worth it, as I am 100% sure that we could have had the same end result without the A. The potential for our marriage to be great was always there. it was not created by the A. 1
cocorico Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Many people say that they have learned a lot from an affair, be they bs, ws, or ow/om. They speak of how they have grown as a person, and the lessons they have learned. If you are one such person, do you feel that the heartache the A caused was an acceptable price to pay for this knowledge and growth? Was it worth it? Or was it more a situation of " when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade"? If you are one of the parties who were actually involved in the A, do you think the positives you got from it outweighed the negatives ( ether for yourself or anyone else)? Would you do it all over again? . I subscribe to the principle of ethical utilitarianism, which argues that "it is the greatest happiness of the greatest number that is the measure of right and wrong" and by that measure, it was definitely "worth it". Many people were left happier: He was. I was. His kids were. His family were. His friends were, because he was and because they were absolved of having to deal with her. His colleagues were, because he became much more productive, happier, and easier to be around. The villagers were, because they no longer had to deal with poor treatment and abusive behaviour. The kids' teachers were, because the kids were more secure and settled at school. The lawyers were, because they earned a fair bit from the D. Some of those people were much, much happier (those higher up the list) and others not quite as much. One person was less happy: The BS. She was unhappy to start with - and how much less happy she was as a result of the A is difficult to gauge, but anecdotal evidence suggests, "not very, just more of the same". So the balance is clearly in favour of those many who gained much, over the single one who lost a little. 1
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