Tryingtobegrateful Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It is actually a very complicated story...since it is quite long and I have posted it in another forum, not sure if I shall post it here again. Can I still? I would like more ears to listen to me.... Anyway, now I am still struggling with my emotions, but I think I am coping better now, at least past the stage of absolute grief, but bipolar between hatred and gratefulness. So I emailed to my ex (who dumped me) that I wanted no contact, he did not contact me and only two weeks later on New Year Eve he texted me, saying he realized that I might have considered him impolite to not even ack. my email and hoped I am well. I only replied politely, saying that I hoped he was happy. He said he was not. To confess, I am VERY happy to hear about that... Am I a bad person?
John83 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 No of course not. When you are feeling down iy is bound to make you feel better knowing that he is also. Its just that liytle bit of comfort and perhsps a bit hope?(not thst this is neccassarly good)
Author Tryingtobegrateful Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 (I cannot resist to post it....but it is such a long story...) To start with, my ex is my first serious boyfriend. . So along the relationship, while I tried not to, I did on occasion idealize love as in movies and books which were deleterious to our relation. I did warn my ex and ask him to guide me… He is a French and I am a Japanese so we also have a lot of cultural difference…Moreover, at times I feel like I WAS the rebound. Both of us are master students. He studies in Oxford while I Paris. I met my ex during travel in Turkey in the summer, we stayed in the same hostel. We spent 3 nights straight talking, we were physically attracted and felt very connected as well on an intellectual level and the last night we held hand and kissed and promised to meet each other in England while both of our planned trips were over. During that travel period, we texted each other every night and missed other more than ever. We eventually met in London and spent 1 week there, and afterwards 2 weeks in his home in Oxford. Those three weeks were intensely beautiful (especially that week in London where it was really the two of us). After that, I went back to Paris for study. We thought between Oxford and Paris was just an-hour flight…he also did confess a lot of inner demons with me about his family and relationship, so I thought I was more than a fling or infatuation…. My horizon for the relation at first was quite short-sighted, since I would need to renew my visa once I got back to Paris. But then he began to give me mixed signals, like he had shown me our pictures to his parents etc. And after he flew to Paris to visit me, I found myself wanting more…and the two times he visited, we were so happy…but after the 2nd visit he returned to Oxford and became less eager in Internet chat. He said schoolwork was busy which I believed as true. So this is the geographical timeline, as for the emotional, towards the last week in Oxford, he started to mention about his ex-es, I thought he was sharing some more inner parts with me so I was quite willingly to listen to them, at first. In fact, I asked him questions too. (One ex was a 4-years relation ended this spring; the other was one he “cheated” with but he saw as real love, he met her for the last time (she went back to Argentina afterwards) 3 weeks before he met me). He blamed his official girlfriend too for hurting his fling, because he sincerely asked the official girlfriend to allow him to be with the fling at the same time, the official one refused. So he cut tie with the fling for a while...now he looks back, he felt he owed the fling because he should have broken up with the official and be gone with the fling. He blamed his official for thinking "binary"...I guess he always had a way of sugar-coating things...before I asked him to tell his friends about our relationship...though he eventually gave in he did say he wanted to keep things private...but I do trust him, he is really a private person. But then I started to feel like I know more about his feelings towards his ex-es than his towards mine. I asked. He answered not everything is simple and he cared a lot about me…I was satisfied back then…but still because he mentioned the stories with his ex-es so much I often tended to compare his attitude towards me and to them. So the first big fight we had was when he declined to bring me to meet his parents. I asked why since his last one was able to meet his parents after a-month dating (we were three-months along back then). He said he learnt from the last time he should not be rushing things. And things got mixed in between, the day after our argument I received news that my mother's cancer reoccurred, I sought him for comfort while he just replied by email that he was sorry to hear about that. I was devastated of course, a day later he apologized saying he was nervous about us, and forgot the priority should be the news of my mother instead. He comforted me via text for like 6 hours and I felt much better, then he started to talk about both of our expectations from the relationship, he said we should be free to meet people (since his “true love” was an affair), as in an open relationship. I was so distressed, but I finally agreed that he was free to meet people but should let me know when there was someone else so I could decide if I wanted to continue or break-up. He also suggested that we shall not chat everyday since it would make our relation became hours and hours of chatting on the internet, and “sitting in front of the computer the whole night” was not the life he wanted and none of us would be moving to another country any time soon. But after we agreed to our expectation and a new pace, I thought we were mending things, on a good track. We even chatted more than ever, with him saying “miss me” and “want me” all the time. Then my passport arrived a week later and I did the stupidest thing. I decided that since our relation was a bit distressed and needed a boast-up…so I decided on a surprise visit to make him happy. I visited him. He said he was taken back and his feelings were changed but he still cared a lot about me as a friend…so he broke up with me. Yet I already booked the return ticket so we still were with each other for a week which he commented as very unhealthy but he still tried to comfort me the whole week. I cried the first day but then tried to act happy and enjoy the time with him to remind him of our good time together. It did not quite work and the last day together we fought the whole night and I started to get bitter towards his ex-es whom he was very protective over. In fact, he mentioned his ex a lot during the breakup week, like how he was planning to visit the one in Argentina in summer "as a friend"; the four-year one he was always angry with (but those angers came from feelings, he stressed) (On a second note though, after our breakup, he said I already replaced the two ex-es in his heart, I asked why would not he tell me earlier? Then I would not be so insecure, I would be the happiest girl....He said he only realized now....) Throughout the week, I kept seducing him to have sex with me because I missed our intimacy, but he refused, saying he did not want to take advantage of me. We did kiss and touch each other (I initiated all...), he stressed every time "I hope things are clear between us" He said he still has a tender regards for me and would like us to remain friends. I struggled whether to cut contacts or not, but before that I received news of my mother passed away so I had to rush back to Japan and I needed his comforts since he was so close and knew so many things about me. He comforted me and listened as a friend (on skype), but looked so uncomfortable when I mentioned about “us”. It was too painful for me so I emailed him about cutting contact (we agreed before that we should not block each other just out of the blue…) but I did let him know of my mother’s funeral date. He did not even send a short message on the funeral date. Finally, I returned back to Paris on 30th. I did not let him know. But I received a message from him on the 31st, he said he was respecting my wish to be no contact and not ignoring me, and asked me to feel free to contact him. I did not reply, he texted me again on 1st, asking if I wanted to talk. I asked for some space now, he said ok and hoped I am well. I replied saying I hope you are happy, he said he is not...(One of the reasons I knew was he had argument with his father, I did not ask further). I asked why did he contact me suddenly if he was respecting my wish? He said he suddenly realized that he should have at least acknowledged my email. I am ambivalent. He is very dear to me, and I wish to comfort him, but I dont want him to think I am taking advantage of his fragile status while I have the "hidden motive" of reconciling. At times, I feel used by him as a rebound, I feel dirty, so angry that I just want him to be out of my life. And I would not be insecure back then if he did not mention his ex-es all the time. He would be moving to London soon, where his four-year ex lives now. I wonder if he will get back with her again... I could imagine only, one year later maybe, when I finish my study in Paris, I move to London and we know each other anew, start a relationship that is totally fresh. But then, who knows what would happen a year later? Still, I love him so much and it is so hard to let go now…I know there are many problems in our relationship as I am typing it…but I still blame myself for that surprise visit...maybe since he is my first love, I just wonder how I can meet someone that is so compatible with me in so many ways again...I went to a pub with friends on new year eve, and was reminded again what I had lost. I got chatted up, but I always prefer nerdy quiet guy...not a fan of drunken loud guy...I dont like pub and clubbing where you usually "hit on" people...and we originally had plans for the new year eve... It is my first breakup. I still find it very upsetting, that someone that once shared so many things with me, will be stepped out of my life forever. I mean I have some superficial friends, meeting maybe every 3 months, talking about mundane things, but even those people remain in part of my life... But of course, I dont want to be his friend listening to his Argentina summer, for instance, or how he loves other women (I have had more than enough of that share when I was a girlfriend) And I still cannot quite forgive him for not even sending me a single text on my mother's funeral and I hate the fact that I am beginning to forget his warmth, his voice. And if even I am starting to forget, maybe I mean nothing to him now...
Reels Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Let's see if you can forget him properly, first 2 weeks or first month doesn't decide anything really. It takes a while.
Author Tryingtobegrateful Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I am now on eight days towards a month (since I sent him the NC rqst) Meanwhile, I am still trying to back up my files on his server (I have 50GB of stuffs there...), by then I would probably ask him to do whatever he pleases with as well I dont want to be a freerider, that I am still using his account while at this moment I am trying to have no connections with him whatsoever. He can know how frequent I login to the account (whether he will check or not is another matter though)
Recommended Posts