quickusername Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 so i have been with my girlfriend for a few months and things are great. We recently had a talk about exs and our past which had some rough emotional bits but we got through it fine and are back to normal. I am extremely happy with her but dont know if I should be concerned about our relationship and if its unhealthy somehow despite our happiness. Her previous relationship was quite abusive, her ex would verbally abuse her, prevented her from having any male friends at all and made her feel guilty constantly about her previous relationships. Despite being depressed through most of the relationship it lasted for nearly a year and they actively had sex though she says how it was most often unsatisfying but thats irrelevant. She was finally working up the courage to break up with him and she coincidentally met me at the same time through mutual friends. We hit it off immediately and would spend hours talking and clicked on everything.. one of those love at first sight things. she broke up with him two days after we met. At the time I knew she had been with him but not for how long and while she was very upset when we weren't together i never saw any of it and assumed it must not have been very long term. Well talked non stop after they broke up. we kissed a couple days later went on 2 dates and slept together in the course of three weeks. Things fell into place so perfectly and felt great and while the beginning of our relationship felt accelerated at the time it felt natural. But reflecting on it now months later it was realized that there was literally a three week gap between when they slept together and when we did. so finally the question (sorry if i rambled but i felt it was crucial info) Is my relationship healthy? were very happy but Im afraid she never got a chance to properly address her abusive relationship. While it was very natural at the time I know dont know how to feel about how quickly after her relationship we became intimate. Its very strange analyzing my relationship when were happy and i need outside opinions.
Shashasha Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Hmm...it doesn't sound very healthy to me. I guess what matters is that you are both together now and in love. Gauge how things go but I must say - don't have too much hopes on this one.
Author quickusername Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Hmm...it doesn't sound very healthy to me. I guess what matters is that you are both together now and in love. Gauge how things go but I must say - don't have too much hopes on this one. could you elaborate please? why do u feel that way?
Author quickusername Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I really want to stress that I would recognize if it was just a rebound relationship. But we truly do click on every single little thing and if we had met at any other time we would have felt the same way. What concerns me is that she was literally just with someone else before me and now months later we recognize it and have no choice but to shrug and go wow thats terrible but i guess it happened. I really don't know how ok that is.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I really want to stress that I would recognize if it was just a rebound relationship. But we truly do click on every single little thing and if we had met at any other time we would have felt the same way. What concerns me is that she was literally just with someone else before me and now months later we recognize it and have no choice but to shrug and go wow thats terrible but i guess it happened. I really don't know how ok that is. As opposed to what? Would you have done something differently if you'd known then what you know now? I really think you're over-analyzing this one. She ended one relationship. A short time later, she became involved with you. There doesn't seem to be huge cause for concern here, unless you're leaving out important details. (Are you?) She appears happy with you and your relationship. Leave the past in the past; don't let it sabotage your current situation. Don't confuse your doubts and fears for hers. You said you had rough emotional times - what happened? Could that be impacting your current feelings?
Author quickusername Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 As opposed to what? Would you have done something differently if you'd known then what you know now? I really think you're over-analyzing this one. She ended one relationship. A short time later, she became involved with you. There doesn't seem to be huge cause for concern here, unless you're leaving out important details. (Are you?) She appears happy with you and your relationship. Leave the past in the past; don't let it sabotage your current situation. Don't confuse your doubts and fears for hers. You said you had rough emotional times - what happened? Could that be impacting your current feelings? its a difficult feeling to put into words. I dont necessarily think I would have acted any differently knowing what I know. But if I were in her situation I would not have been able to move so quickly from one relationship to the next. While we all handle relationships differently I'm not sure how healthy that is because I cant put myself into that mindset. When I think of our relationship it seems like this great whirlwind relationship that just happened but when i look at the facts it feels wrong. That she could have slept with him days before me is a much more bothering fact than the general notion that she was in a bad relationship which was all i knew at the time. I just dont know if i should think thats wrong and that she has a harmful view of relationships or if it is entirely ok and im just closed minded monogamist. The rough emotional times were basically us exchanging information about our pasts that caused one of us to be bothered for one reason or another about things the other did in the past. That was all jealousy which has been gotten over. And im really not jealous of the fact that he was with her so soon before me but when I cant understand how she could have done that so quickly even tho I was the one who benefited.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 its a difficult feeling to put into words. I dont necessarily think I would have acted any differently knowing what I know. But if I were in her situation I would not have been able to move so quickly from one relationship to the next. While we all handle relationships differently I'm not sure how healthy that is because I cant put myself into that mindset. When I think of our relationship it seems like this great whirlwind relationship that just happened but when i look at the facts it feels wrong. That she could have slept with him days before me is a much more bothering fact than the general notion that she was in a bad relationship which was all i knew at the time. I just dont know if i should think thats wrong and that she has a harmful view of relationships or if it is entirely ok and im just closed minded monogamist. The rough emotional times were basically us exchanging information about our pasts that caused one of us to be bothered for one reason or another about things the other did in the past. That was all jealousy which has been gotten over. And im really not jealous of the fact that he was with her so soon before me but when I cant understand how she could have done that so quickly even tho I was the one who benefited. You're letting the past creep into the present. It isn't a thing of the past because (right or wrong) it's still bothering you today. Also, you're trying to apply your own thoughts, feelings and expectations to another person. You said it yourself - people handle relationships differently. She cannot change the past. You have to either learn to accept it or let her go. This will eat you alive and completely undermine the relationship otherwise. Anyway, you said the relationship feels wrong. Perhaps you are doubting your feelings for her. Are there other things that are causing you to feel so anxious, rather than enjoying what you have with her?
soccerrprp Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 She quickly got into another relationship with you, OP. I would be a little concerned and watchful. She was in an abusive relationship and as soon as she found someone better, she ditched the ex and began a new relationship. She broke up with her ex AFTER she met you. I would definitely be worried about it being a rebound relationship. She fell in love with you so quickly....definitely would be worried about it being a rebound relationship. And, OP, i would wager that you do not have a crystal ball, so your confidence that it isn't a rebound relationship ought to be taken with a grain of salt. You simply do not know....for certain.
Author quickusername Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 You're letting the past creep into the present. It isn't a thing of the past because (right or wrong) it's still bothering you today. Also, you're trying to apply your own thoughts, feelings and expectations to another person. You said it yourself - people handle relationships differently. She cannot change the past. You have to either learn to accept it or let her go. This will eat you alive and completely undermine the relationship otherwise. Anyway, you said the relationship feels wrong. Perhaps you are doubting your feelings for her. Are there other things that are causing you to feel so anxious, rather than enjoying what you have with her? firstly i really appreciate youre input. it was a bit disheartening seeing the post be viewed 100 times and have no real responses. I'm not doubting my feelings for her, really im not. in fact just the opposite i feel more for her than ive felt in any of my previous relationships. its not that the relationship feels wrong its just that part of me thinks that I should be bothered by the extremely short time between me and her ex. As if it says something about her character or something. I posted here because I couldnt get myself to think in that kind of attitude and wanted to know if its normal or ok for people. Not sure if im making sense. basically im not bothered by the time between he and i and I love her but when i looked at the fact i wasnt sure whether i should consider it a red flag. And because im so serious about her i wasnt sure if that was clouding my judgement
Author quickusername Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 She quickly got into another relationship with you, OP. I would be a little concerned and watchful. She was in an abusive relationship and as soon as she found someone better, she ditched the ex and began a new relationship. She broke up with her ex AFTER she met you. I would definitely be worried about it being a rebound relationship. She fell in love with you so quickly....definitely would be worried about it being a rebound relationship. And, OP, i would wager that you do not have a crystal ball, so your confidence that it isn't a rebound relationship ought to be taken with a grain of salt. You simply do not know....for certain. how would you proceed going forward? The last thing I would want to do is sabotage an amazing relationship which i feel i have. But theres no way for me to truly know if its a rebound for her. She says how much she loves me all the time, what other kind of confirmation can i get? But outside of pestering her if shes sure theres nothing i can do.
soccerrprp Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 how would you proceed going forward? The last thing I would want to do is sabotage an amazing relationship which i feel i have. But theres no way for me to truly know if its a rebound for her. She says how much she loves me all the time, what other kind of confirmation can i get? But outside of pestering her if shes sure theres nothing i can do. Her telling you that she loves you is not confirmation of any kind so early that she is not rebounding. People who get emotionally attached quickly will also say the love word prematurely. First, I would never had gotten in a relationship with a woman who was already in one. But that point is irrelevant now. I think you should slow down and be more deliberate and watchful. Don't back off too much, but take things a more slowly and really get to know her. Watch her. Be careful not to invest too much of your emotional energy so soon. Don't put her on a pedestal and don't put this relationship on a status that it has not earned...too early. She was hurt, in an abusive relationship and needed a way out. Needed someone unlike her ex. She found you and QUICKLY became emotionally attached. Just be careful. I'm not saying to dump her, just be cautious.
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