love2givemyall Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Hi LS friends, I have dilemma that I'm willing to admit here is now beyond my control I've been in an A for over 1 year now and I never thought I'd end up allowing this A to turn from a casual A to a full blow relationship. My mow is madly in love with me and struggles daily as to how much it kills to her be away from me. Meaning, she's at home with her 2 young kids and her H that she admits she's not in love with him live she is with me. She has def called me soul mate and best friend for life. We talk text everyday and see each other intimately at least once a week. The problem is, as much as I love her, i don't know if either one of us would leave our spouses due to the longevity of our M's. i've been M for over 16 years and she has for over 10. we have a age gap that i know will be a problem later even though she refuses to admit it and i suspect she clings partly due to her daddy issues. i can't keep going on like this. I'm admitting it. i have no horrible issues with my w except that she doesn't fill the need my ow does. my w can't and i won't ask her to. its not her and now mow has filled that void. At some point, either she and i will grow tire of the dreams of being together long term and just settle for the A for what it is and eventually it will die down or we end up suffering from a breakup (or even a D day). We have defied a lot of odds by having the A go on like this. I really think i need a hiatus so i can focus in on my w and kids more intently however mow and i just have something that can't be denied. If it wasn't for the thought of my 3 kids being destroyed as well as my w, i'd probably do it and leave. my question is this...do A's that go on for over a year settle off from the expectation of both AP's leaving their spouses and coming together or do they usually terminate and fizzle out on their own? I realize after a year now, that i'm tired and i can keep doing this but i really see that my time is costing me away from both my w and kid as well as mow. some can balance it here on LS and if there is some magic formula, please share. Thank you
lollipopspot Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 i have no horrible issues with my w except that she doesn't fill the need my ow does. my w can't and i won't ask her to. its not her and now mow has filled that void. What need is it that your partner fills that your wife does not?
Arieswoman Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 and if there is some magic formula, please share. If there was one, someone would be bottling it and selling it by now. You got into this, so you get out of it.
beach Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Have you ever posted under another name here? Your writing style is familiar - trains and cliffs come next. You know the answers - tons of people have given you advice before. This ends badly no matter what you do now. You knew that before you started. No, there's no magic formula...unless you stop being selfish. 5
Trimmer Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 some can balance it here on LS and if there is some magic formula, please share. (1) Don't worry about having any respect for yourself, your own family, or that of your MOW. (2) Continue to live in constant anxiety and fear of discovery, because this is what keeps you sharp at keeping all the evidence hidden. This will destroy your family if discovered, so stay vigilant, 24/7! Yeah, magic isn't real, either. 1
goodyblue Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It's rough being in this position, I'm sure. I was the OW for a time. It is really difficult. I guess the difference is that I was not married so I wonder if maybe your lady fried would be okay with putting things on the shelf as well to give you time to focus on your families and find out what you both want. Just be as honest as possible with her and hope for the best, but be prepared that these situations rarely work out well and that your MOW may freak. Good luck.
bentleychic Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 The problem is, as much as I love her, i don't know if either one of us would leave our spouses due to the longevity of our M's. i've been M for over 16 years and she has for over 10. we have a age gap that i know will be a problem later even though she refuses to admit it and i suspect she clings partly due to her daddy issues. i can't keep going on like this. I'm admitting it. i have no horrible issues with my w except that she doesn't fill the need my ow does. my w can't and i won't ask her to. its not her and now mow has filled that void. If you have not already told your OW this, please tell her exactly this so that she knows you are not thinking future is possible or going to happen. PLEASE. She may hurt temporarily, but no where near as much as if you continue to carry this on with false hope for years. my question is this...do A's that go on for over a year settle off from the expectation of both AP's leaving their spouses and coming together or do they usually terminate and fizzle out on their own? I don't think any relationship can be generalized like this and it totally depends on the A/relationship. We're going on a year and a half in the A (and known each other going on 6 years, but not romantically or constant communication during the friendship portion) and the plan is still (according to him) to be married once his D takes place. You'll get multiple answers to this question here, some real life experiences, some guesses, some hopeful thoughts . Your mileage may vary.
Mycatsnuggles Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 L2 - I can only relate my experience. Similar to you we have an age gap (except I am older then him) that I thought when we began would help prevent those wanting a future feelings and we had no plans for an intense emotional connection as we are both married. How foolish and naive I was to think logical obstacles can control the heart. We filled that void for each other and became friends, lovers, and eventually yes the hated word on LS soul mates. What ever it is it's intense and I love him more now three plus years later then I did (which I thought then was an awful lot) at one year. As my feelings grew for him I kept thinking, like you, that my feelings would fizzle, one of us would become bored, the relationship would die a natural death and we could both go on. It hasn't happened. From my experience the relationship only grows stronger the longer you are together.
MissBee Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Since you're both married I think those kinds of As can sometimes go on longer and be more stable as you're both dealing with similar things. I'm a former OW and was single and in my own experience, as well as that of other single OW I know and read about here, after a year it doesn't get easier but harder and more frustrating as you get more invested emotionally and inevitably start wanting more. This usually leads to it ending, but it's often a slow painful, drawn out death. Dday can happen at any point as it isn't always within your control so that hasn't anything to do with how you two feel about each other but about one or both of your spouses finding out. Married OW dating married men may experience something different. There is no magic formula. You cannot eat your cake and have it too. Clearly it is unreasonable and incompatible to expect to be able to focus on your wife and children while also trying to have this secret relationship with someone else's wife. You can't have it both ways, you've already tried, so I think you just need to make a choice. From what you're saying it doesn't seem at all like you think it makes sense or you're even that interested in being with your MOW full time. So I'd suggest choosing your W and family, whom you do seem to genuinely want to be there for, work on your marriage, before a dday happens where the choice is taken away from you. Edited January 10, 2014 by MissBee
veryhappy Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) If you don't want to confess to the W, tell your AP the truth that you want no future with her until she accepts it. She'll either stay in a more watered down A or choose to end it and focus on her own life as well. Problem solved. Edited January 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
BrokenPrincess Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Why do you keep creating new usernames? 5
beach Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Have you changed anything? Nothing changes if you don't change it.
anne1707 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Hiatus? Would that be like being on an unstoppable train or a doomed ship?
TaraMaiden Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 magic formula? Isn't that 'lather-rinse-repeat'....? Oh no, sorry.... that's just dumbass foolishness. Silly me..... The magic formula consists of one, magic word: STOP. 1
Iguanna Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 So cheaters who have both family and affair DO have problems as well don't they? Amazing. You should ask from your wife to fix her schedule accordingly so you have more free time to see and screw your OW and you don't constantly live with the anxiety. And kids can get with their grandparents once in a while now, can't they? The misery some people go through, omg. And imagine that there are sick people in hospitals who dare to complain. Frustrating.
Daisy2013 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 my question is this...do A's that go on for over a year settle off from the expectation of both AP's leaving their spouses and coming together or do they usually terminate and fizzle out on their own? Thank you Well, we settled for what it was. We were just us, in love, within our world. You reach a time where you have to accept it for what it is or end and move on. He was never going to leave; he was unhappy, but cowardly. And at the heart of it, he wouldn't give up his bad marriage and take a chance on us. We cheated. He admitted he loved me for what he had, but in reality, across the line, how could I trust him and vice versa. So we loved when we could, then went back to real life after. If you are having reservations and truly don't want to leave your wife, please end this. I truly loved my MM and in my 46 years, was the first time I fell in love and I never would have cheated on him. I just knew me and my heart. But he is linear thinking and an engineer and can just see black and white, so can't trust us in real life. I will never be the same again. Please let her go.
Recommended Posts