Girlfriend's fear of getting bored

January 10, 2014

So I've been in a serious and very special relationship with my girlfriend for three months now. Things are just perfect. We are both teenagers, but I am older. Except earlier I finished talking to her about..an issue. Right now I'm in a stressful situation with myself. I have to apply for university and I've been having problems with family and school. So I'm taking care of that on the side.

Anyways, I haven't talked to her much today, and I was doing my homework, and she texted me saying that we haven't talked much. I apologized and she says she loses feelings easily BUT that is not what's happening. She's had horrible previous relationships. Abusive guys who only wanted her for sex and would always cheat on her and ruin her happiness. She always tells me that I'm the perfect guy she's been wanting, and hell, she's already talking about living with me, marrying me, and having kids with me. It's safe to say that she's absolutely crazy in love with me. She used to be all about partying, weed, all that stuff, and she completely changed just for me. She stopped doing all that stuff, toned down her social life just for me. We see each other every weekend. We are almost an hour distance from each other, so we meet at a huge mall as a middle point and we usually hang out there.

I asked her if she was losing feelings and was afraid to tell me. She said it is just getting boring a little bit. That she wants to have a lot of fun with me(stupid fun stuff) but I'm all about the law and police(I want to pursue a career in something justice related. Hopefully police) and that I'm really mature. I really despise people who do weed and do dumb stuff and act like idiots. Immaturity and all that. She says she is scared she will get bored. This was extremely alarming to me, so we continued over the phone. She again, says I'm perfect and doesn't want me to change. Which I know she's telling the truth. She regrets doing all that bad stuff before she met me. I guess that kind of makes me a white knight. She mentioned that she was diagnosed with some kind of fear anxiety that she had(or has) to take antibiotics for sometimes. So she said she can't help but fear something bad happening, but will always try to fix it.

So. It seems there is a problem. I'm not sure exactly, but I believe I'm not fun enough right now. I'm really romantic, which isn't a problem, she likes it, but doesn't want it to be cheesy. She mentioned that she wants to play around more when I talk to her. Add some fun to texting, like jokes and not always being romantic. Talking more about different stuff, etc. I'm not sure what to do. Perhaps lighten up and not be so strict with such strong values I grew up with?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for doing anything to make it last and make her happy, but just...not dumb stuff, which she agrees with. I understand that she just wants me to let go one night and have fun(she thinks raves are fun). I'm not sure how to go about improving for her.

Thanks in advance.

Edited January 10, 2014 by tint89

January 10, 2014

Ask her if there is somewhere she wants you to take her.

As for the "talking more about different stuff," that's not really up to you to figure out. She can bring up whatever topics she wants to discuss. Ask her what she wants to talk about and see what she says... and if she says "I don't know," she needs to figure it out.

Edited January 10, 2014 by SpiralOut

January 10, 2014

Alarm bells always ring when I hear that someone had changed everything about themselves in order to be with someone.

It's a facade that can only last for so long, before it crumbles.

January 10, 2014

I always try to spend money for dates, but she hates when I buy her stuff as she feels bad. Probably shy because it's early still. Three months. I get my way though. I really don't mind.

As for asking her that, she said there is nowhere. Literally nowhere she would want to go. She tends to tell me to decide. She has a great time too when I take her places like the movies and stuff. She seems to be fine with wherever we go as long as I'm with her. She's literally up for anything.

I guess I should propose the ideas and make the decisions/suggestions. Hmm.

As for changing. You'd be surprised how committed she is to me. Like. It's insane. Changing has really had great benefits to her life. She seriously tells me she's fine the way she is. Been working out well for her since we started dating. She has been happy saying no to all the druggies and stuff.

She's also open to pretty much any discussion. I guess I should just take the initiative more.

Update: She called me to say goodnight. But asked me why I always chose to stay whenever she would upset me or fight with me or make a mistake. I answered with what was deep in my heart(long speech that is too long to type out). She ended up crying her eyes out, telling me she loves me over and over again.

Seems to me that everything is working out just perfect. I guess it's just that there isn't much variety and freedom when we hangout. I'm not too worried about the whole changing for me thing though. I guess I just need to loosen/lighten up and have fun more while I'm still young, but of course not act like a total idiot.

Edited January 10, 2014 by tint89

January 10, 2014

OP, what type of "fun" stuff is she wanting to do? You mentioned raves; is there anything else? Maybe things have changed since I was a teenager, but I recall raves being very drug-laced. What other activities does she enjoy?

I'd be concerned that she changed completely for you, and it's only been a very short time. You have no idea if that's a sustainable change yet, and she's very young, but hopefully it is. She's already saying she's bored and wants you to do things differently. Take her thoughts into consideration, but don't bend over backwards just yet either. Compromise will be important here. It sounds as though you have quite different personalities and lifestyles.

January 12, 2014

Yeah. I talked to her about doing stuff. I've got some great ideas she's excited to do with me.

But. I got into a fight with her today. When I first started dating her, some guy she knows for 2 years messaged me out of the blue. I only talked to him briefly. He mentioned that he was in love with her and wanted to ask her out but I came and swooped her off her feet before he got the chance. How lucky I am and all that. I'm not sure if they met at all. She's had best friends over the internet before. And well. I talked to him about random stuff. School and all that. He seemed to be sneaking rude remarks and insults into her statements and questions. I never talked to him again after that. Jealous stuff.

About a month ago, they got into an argument over twitter because he insulted her. She blocked him. And last night I found out he was unblocked. They're good friends again. I saw that three days ago she tweeted "Him" with a smiley face with hearts for eyes. He did the same thing on the same night except with "Her" and the same face. It really gets on my nerves when he retweets her and stuff. Now, I remember talking to her over the phone the whole night until she went to sleep. And there was some good happy emotional communication between us. I think she tweeted it when I gave her a short speech about how much I care about her. So I'm convinced it's for me. And this guy just seems like an inside joker clown, so he was probably just copycatting her for giggles. So I got pretty angry. I figured that he was trying to get her to notice him and slowly steal her from me. That's when I made the mistake of calling her a hypocrite who broke her promise of not talking to any other guy. She was pretty upset at that. I guess I was a little too strict with that. So it took me the whole day to make things better with her. She kind of got upset. I mean, I want her to have friends. But I just don't like the fact that he's a guy and he's close to her. She said he's been a good friend for 2 years and she doesn't want to give up good friends. And I figured ok because she has already sacrificed a lot in her life to be with me.

But I still don't feel good. I'm just not comfortable with him being her best guy friend. I'm paranoid that he will try to always be there for her and make me look like a bad guy and just try to steal her from me. I just don't trust him. Might be a potential threat.

Any advice? Not sure what I can do if she wants to keep him around as a good guy friend.

Thanks in advance.

Edited January 12, 2014 by tint89

January 12, 2014

You don't suit each other. Generally people who party a lot and smoke weed don't think doing that is bad, they enjoy it. Being with you means that she is curtailing the activities she enjoys because you think they're bad. On top of that if the only place you guys hang out is the mall then the relationship is going to get stale, fast. Probably best in the long run to let this one go.

January 12, 2014

Well I would say she's the female version of me. We're a pretty good match I would say. She would always say that we're perfect together. And hell, if she already wants to marry and live with me, I don't see a reason it could go downhill. I talked to her and told her not to stop the way she likes to have fun just because I don't do it. I say I'd be ok with it as long as she is safe and smart about it and that it won't change my opinion of her. She just keeps assuring me that she is happy that she stopped because she hated the way she used to be. She didn't even do it like that bad. She would only do it if opportunity presented itself. She really doesn't party at all or drink or smoke when she did. It was very rare. Wasn't often at all. She always says she's happy with the way I am as a person, and that she found the perfect guy she's been looking for. All her previous boyfriends would always ditch her after like three weeks or cheat on her, which is true.

Sure she doesn't agree with some laws and doesn't really like police whereas I do. But she actually respects that and I respect her views too. The way our personalities are doesn't seem to bother her at all. Only thing she would want to change is to live closer to me. I really don't think she's into that stuff at all anymore. Except just seeing her friends at get togethers which isn't a problem at all. But when I think back, I actually didn't do much with her. Which is why I know to take the initiative now to be a lot more active with her. If anything "bad" were to happen(god forbid). Compromise. She is very committed and would do anything to make things work.

Edited January 12, 2014 by tint89

January 12, 2014

I just don't trust him. Might be a potential threat.

POTENTIAL threat? He's a real and present threat.

I dunno, everything you've said makes me think she will stray, if she hasn't already. She's also a bit mental. Furthermore, you're still teenagers. I'd be astounded if this girl ended up being your life partner.

January 12, 2014

Look tint, this girl wasn't used and abused by these men by coincidence...there's a part of her that is attracted to these kind of guys, they're less predictable, more "exciting", less accommodating and they pretty much don't threaten her with any genuine or deep "love"...she just chases and they just run and she gets to act out in a way that feels safe and dysfunctional yet comforting for her.

She likes to be reckless, she likes to be able to self-destruct...you're just this clean cut straight-forward law abiding guy who thinks her values used to be messed up and now magically she's changed because you believe she doesn't want to be like that anymore or she's "grown up".

You don't get it and you're not listening or paying attention, you're just glazing over what she's telling you and thinking it's going to be fine..that she loves you and wants to change bad enough, but she's not cut from the same cloth as you are....she's not going to be happy with what you want or need, you treat her too well, you make it too easy for a girl like this...she needs it to be complicated and riddled with issues otherwise she doesn't feel good about herself....she sees you as being more "normal" and she just gets to feel like the crazy one and has to question what's wrong with her...because you are fitting the societal "model" of how people should be...this safe and responsible, mature and appropriate attitude that does the right thing and always plays by the rules, but women like this aren't into men like this....you're a safe option, they know how you feel because you show it and express that but it's odd for them, they don't know how to accept that for them it has to be this complicated jumbled push and pull type of relationship and that's likely an influence with her upbringing, and people respond to things differently...not everyone is strong, or confident or knows the way, they have to figure it out within themselves through a long destructive road just to get there someday...if ever.

So she doesn't sound ready, she sounds like she's going to try and escape and eventually sabotage the relationship and this other guy is a definite threat...you're just ignoring the big signs here and being really way too nice and passive about everything.

You need to move on for your own good, because you're in way over your head...you have no idea how to interpret what is going on in the big picture and you don't know how to treat a girl like this, which unfortunately something that will baffle and make your draw drop...because a total douchebag she'd be all over and "in-love" with in a heart beat, and that's because this girl doesn't love herself and doesn't even feel in a way she deserves it.

But go...learn the hard way, you're going to waste a lot of time and energy in this relationship trying to fix something or change something you can't, you're going to think in an entirely unrealistic way and not even realize it, you'll think you fixed it or things are going good then *boom* right in your face...because this is not sustainable, it's going to take her a lot of self work if she wants to change and she seems too young and not ready, girls like this aren't what you think they are...even though when you look at her you see this type of girl in your eyes, but you don't know her like you think you do...she's not what you think she is, women are complex and many are just really really self-unaware...they're not sure what they want, they just go in the direction they feel compelled to go, they don't have that self-control when they're this damaged.

You're the typical white-knight though, you think it's about you or something you can give her...you don't get she does the things she does because she does them to herself, not because guys do it to her or she's just unlucky or some crap, she's not that dumb you know, she knows what she's doing.

January 12, 2014

Well. She hated those guys. I knew them. She stopped caring for them when they wanted to have sex with her. They all ended up leaving her because she refused their intention of using her. Hence why they all only lasted a few weeks and I'm lasting a lot longer. But now the honeymoon period is over. Now our relationship is really developing. I've talked to her about a lot of things, and she gave me clear answers. She loves the way I am. She loves being with me. I'm the best boyfriend she's had. She wants to keep going. She's happy that I came along because if I didn't she'd be lonely and would still be doing things that she now hates doing. I tell her that she could have fun and I'll be ok with it. I'd even be there with her. She says that everything she's done for me is so she wouldn't lose me. It sounds like you're just putting her into the generalization that all girls who do that stuff are just ****ed up and have no hope of being happy with something different. I know what mistakes I made. I realized how I've been treating her. I've been really strict. I've put limitations. I've been over thinking things all the time. I know how to treat her now. I talked to her and things honestly sound fine. I just want to make some things better to make her more comfortable. I know what you mean. I understand you that I've been really soft on her. I've gotten more soft since we started dating. We had a blast calling each other names and talking to each other like bestfriends. Now I even think it's too cheesy, romantic, and I'm being anti-social. I'm not looking to end it, and I'm convinced she doesn't want to either. I just want this relationship stable. I will honestly do anything for it to work. I'm fine with anything I have to do for her. I'm going to be less of a white knight, and more fun and relaxed. As I type this she is going nuts. Saying how proud of me she is and how much this sudden "realization" I've had means so much to her.

As for this guy. He's tried to break us up once. She's told him to **** off. She only loves him as a friend. To be honest, he's her best guy friend because the last ones took off. He just happened to take their place. I realized that I can't put limitations on her. Sure he may want to hang out with her, but I know she's committed to me. She's never even met him yet. Even if he manages to take her from me somehow (god forbid), she won't be with him. I was in his position once and guys like him only get friendzoned even more and just left behind. She wouldn't be ready to be with another guy after leaving one.

Edited January 12, 2014 by tint89

January 13, 2014

Well I would say she's the female version of me. We're a pretty good match I would say. She would always say that we're perfect together. And hell, if she already wants to marry and live with me, I don't see a reason it could go downhill. I talked to her and told her not to stop the way she likes to have fun just because I don't do it. I say I'd be ok with it as long as she is safe and smart about it and that it won't change my opinion of her. She just keeps assuring me that she is happy that she stopped because she hated the way she used to be. She didn't even do it like that bad. She would only do it if opportunity presented itself. She really doesn't party at all or drink or smoke when she did. It was very rare. Wasn't often at all. She always says she's happy with the way I am as a person, and that she found the perfect guy she's been looking for. All her previous boyfriends would always ditch her after like three weeks or cheat on her, which is true.

Sure she doesn't agree with some laws and doesn't really like police whereas I do. But she actually respects that and I respect her views too. The way our personalities are doesn't seem to bother her at all. Only thing she would want to change is to live closer to me. I really don't think she's into that stuff at all anymore. Except just seeing her friends at get togethers which isn't a problem at all. But when I think back, I actually didn't do much with her. Which is why I know to take the initiative now to be a lot more active with her. If anything "bad" were to happen(god forbid). Compromise. She is very committed and would do anything to make things work.

Really? Seriously?? That is an incredibly naive and foolish assumption, OP. I realize you are desperate for this to work, but that type of thinking tends to lead to serious emotional pain. You are both very young and she sounds quite emotionally immature. (She's "best friends" with some guy she has never met - pardon?) If this other guy has tried to break you up before, why in heaven's name is she still tweeting googly eyes at him? She loves the attention, that's why. And now you're accommodating that. Why, I don't know. My point is that you should not invest so much of your heart in someone who has been your girlfriend for three short months...Please understand that teenaged couples very rarely remain together for life.

You are now trying to justify and rationalize and accept responsibility for everything that bothered you just a few days ago. Of course it's great to compromise and make adjustments. But ultimately, she will decide if she's interested enough to continue a relationship with you. That is not in your hands. She's not even an adult yet (and neither are you) Be prepared for plenty of flip-flopping and changes. What she says and thinks one day can be dramatically different the next.

January 13, 2014

I am very sorry, but I don't see a happy future for the two of you.

She wants to do naughty stuff (and I don't mean the sexually kind). She is young and immature, she wants to fly like a butterfly. She is afraid of getting bored, yet never initiatates anything.

You on the other hand, have got your life planned down. You can not keep her on a leash, she is her own person. What you think is great for her, she might think something else. I know you mean well, and you sound like a lovely person, but you can only control your own thoughts and feelings, not hers. If she wants to be best friends with a guy who obviously likes her for more than friendship, it's out of your hands. You can mention it bothers you, but that's all you can do.

January 13, 2014

Really? Seriously?? That is an incredibly naive and foolish assumption, OP. I realize you are desperate for this to work, but that type of thinking tends to lead to serious emotional pain. You are both very young and she sounds quite emotionally immature. (She's "best friends" with some guy she has never met - pardon?) If this other guy has tried to break you up before, why in heaven's name is she still tweeting googly eyes at him? She loves the attention, that's why. And now you're accommodating that. Why, I don't know. My point is that you should not invest so much of your heart in someone who has been your girlfriend for three short months...Please understand that teenaged couples very rarely remain together for life.

You are now trying to justify and rationalize and accept responsibility for everything that bothered you just a few days ago. Of course it's great to compromise and make adjustments. But ultimately, she will decide if she's interested enough to continue a relationship with you. That is not in your hands. She's not even an adult yet (and neither are you) Be prepared for plenty of flip-flopping and changes. What she says and thinks one day can be dramatically different the next.

And that is why adjustments and compromise are necessary right at this moment. I want to go to a level that she would be comfortable and happy with. I'm not doing a huge change as she doesn't want me to change. Have to take that extra step to keep things from being stale. I like to call it a leap of faith. Look. She's been losing friends left and right. She's only keeping him around because he's just a plain good friend. Her friends mean a lot to her and she sends googly eyes and all kinds of emojis to all of them. She's had several of those friends. Some she has known longer than two years. Edited January 13, 2014 by tint89

January 13, 2014

God, I'm glad I'm not a teenager any more. Look friend, you want to have a job in law enforcement? Then keep your nose clean. You sound like you have your life planned out for the future. That's really goo and I hope you have great success but you got to stop being the white knight.

Yeah it's brave and noble but you have enough on your plate trying to get into college and if I told you that you were way too young for a serious relationship, naturally you would tell me no and you can handle it.

Truth is if you came back to this forum in another year or two, you would be talking about another girl. Not the one your with.

I'm not trying to put a damper on your romance with this girl but your future comes first and everything else second. Have fun but don't get drawn in to where you lose a good chance to have a good future.

January 14, 2014

After seeing my girlfriend tonight, things are perfect. Just perfect. We exchanged gifts since we never got the chance to do so on Christmas due to always being with our families for that period. And man, I was shocked at the creativity and thought of my gift from her. She seriously has pretty deep feelings for me. Which is great. We had fun today too. Great night ended with her getting on the transit bus to go home crying because she wanted to stay. Really sucks when the night ends. She was acting kind of sad at the time I made the thread because of a bi polar and anger kind of thing. Nothing bad. Today, she was just back to normal out of the blue.

I can see how some of you think that relationships are close to impossible from lasting from teenage years until old age. But I have friends who have married their first girlfriend. So I guess it's possible. I don't see why not. If we've both found someone and wouldn't mind being with each other as long as possible, then that's fine by me.

As for the guy friend. He's just..well...a douchebag. She only used him to vent when she had problems with her previous boyfriends. And of course the "loving" idiot would "support" her. Hence why she thinks he's a good friend. Just keeps him around for the sake of having friends. He just happens to be more clingy than the rest of them. I guess he (pretends to) listens. We just joke about him and laugh at his anger and jealousy. When I talked to her during our special day, she explained he's basically tweeting her and messaging her to make me jealous and angry because when I argued with him when he tried to break us up, I guess I hurt his feelings too hard that it made him butthurt. Seems like he's still trying to get back at me. She replies to him saying that no matter how hard he tries, I will always have the top spot of giving her attention and will be more important than him. She honestly doesn't give a damn about him. She just replies for the sake of getting him to be quiet for a while. She's never interested in even talking to him, much less meeting him.

As for me being too nice, strict, and just a straight up white knight. That's cooled down a lot. I'm not changing as she loves me the way I am. I am only making compromise and adjustments so we can have even more fun together. She loves that I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. It really means a lot to her and she is proud. And today she talked a lot about how comfortable with me she is. Hell, last night she called me in the middle of the night and told me not to leave her ever. And by reading this thread from beginning to end, you probably think that it's been nothing but cheesy. We talk to each other both in romantic ways, but a lot of fun best friend kind of talk. Making a bunch of inside jokes, insults for fun, and all that. Good casual fun. Like it should be. And I'll be honest I don't have more experience than her in dating, so I was kind of blind and delusional, but now it is the way it should be.

Of course, I'd love a job in law enforcement or anything in the justice field. Doesn't have to be a cop specifically, but crime analysis or something like that. I can manage being with her and going to school. It's never been difficult for me. I'm not going to do anything illegal. I'm out of my comfort zone and I'm not going to do anything stupid to jeopardize my future. She knows and understands that. The point is I'm comfortable with having fun and being social, and will do a lot more, but also be my true self. I'm old enough to drink alcohol, so I lightened up on that because even a surprise to myself, I was kind of not interested in that.

Long story short, everything seems perfectly fine now. Everything is settled, feelings are strong, everything is healthy. We obviously have differences that we respect and understand. Obviously we're not going to let anything ruin us. Good relationship. And no more of that too nice, too cheesy romance crap. We talk to each other just like the beginning again. And I'm not saying perfect in "that" kind of way. I know we'll have fights and disagreements, but we all know that's normal and part of relationships. Everything is fun and not boring again! She sees a really good future with me.

Just want to say thank you to everyone who's replied. Even those who pointed out all the negatives. I learned that you need to understand perspective in a relationship, and to adapt to each other. Thank you for all advice.

Edited January 14, 2014 by tint89

Sign In

Girlfriend's fear of getting bored

Recommended Posts

tint89

SpiralOut

pickflicker

tint89

ExpatInItaly

tint89

georgecostanza

tint89

ChessPieceFace

Ninjainpajamas

tint89

ExpatInItaly

Trapito

tint89

bubbaganoosh

tint89

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...