d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Wow. I am just so hurt. A woman who I thought was a dear life long friend go engaged yesterday. I heard about it from a friend of a friend a few minutes ago. The guy who told me has known her for about 5 years. I have known her for 40. I am so hurt that she didn't tell me . . . no call, no text, no nothing. I had to hear it from somebody else. Understand, we grew up together. Our mothers were BFFs. She is my parents' god daughter & I am godmother to her kids. I'm the 1st person she calls when there is a problem but I don't even rate the top 100 when it comes to something this important. Yea, I know it's not about me, but she has been neglecting our friendship for a while. I'm so hurt. I'd made peace with her distancing herself from me years ago but now I wonder if I should just walk completely away. If I am not even invited to this wedding, I'm done. Sorry for the vent. 1
Oxygen13 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I can see why she has put distance between the two of you. This is pretty petty, no?
stillafool Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It only happened yesterday. She is probably busy and will tell you later.
nescafe1982 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 That stinks. But it was only yesterday. Honestly, I'm kind of surprised that your mutual friend is telling people... that's kind of faux pas, isn't it? Whenever I find out about a new engagement, I stay mum to give the happy couple a chance to tell people in their own time. I think if anyone screwed up here, it was probably your mutual friend. And see how he caused hurt feelings? Oh well, a simple mistake. Chances are your friends who are coupled up wanted to tell people in order: family, then friends. You don't know their whole strategy, nor how your mutual friend found out... chances are, you're taking this too personally. I think that perhaps your recent feelings of distance are contributing to you feeling insecure about this friendship. I mean, if everything were fine and dandy between you and this friend... chances are a one-day lapse in informing you wouldn't have stung so much, right? What can you do to help bridge the distance? It sounds like you value her, and chances are she values you. If there is something productive you can do to bridge the distance and make this friendship closer, it's worth thinking about, right?
devilish innocent Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I'm sorry your friend hasn't been much of a friend recently. I think you might be over-reacting a bit to this one though. Most people take days to get around to telling their close friends and family and don't share the news in any particular order. It's often who they happen to run into first that gets the news first. I guess if you used to have the relationship where she would call you with that type of news immediately, then it can hurt that you're not that close anymore. It's a far cry from that to saying you shouldn't be friends at all anymore though. Try to let this go and be happy for her.
Author d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I am trying to let it go. It's not about me but that friendship has been dwindling for years. Nothing I have tried to do has seemed to improve it. She rarely returns my phone calls & rarely wants to do anything with me. It's probably been 3 years since she called me for anything other than to get her, her kids or her other friends out of a jam. I called her to congratulate her. . . straight to VM. I sent a congratulatory text. No reply. I posted a celebratory message on her FB page . . . not even a like from her although she's liked other people's comments. It's stupid. It's petty. It's childish & I'm being nutty. (except LS & my husband, nobody knows I'm feeling this way, nor will they) But it still hurts. After 40 years at arguably one of the best most joyous times of her life, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I miss my friend. 1
nescafe1982 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It's okay to feel hurt about this, Donnivain. When a friendship isn't where it used to be, that hurts. I don't think you're being "nutty" about it... just hones about how it hurts. Its stinks that she doesn't value you like she ought to. But if she's not the friend she used to be, there isn't really anything you can do. You've been gracious... so now I guess it's time to focus on your other relationships. Sorry to hear you're hurting, though. It's so hard to lose long-term female friends... and it so frequently happens with no explanation.
Fluttershy Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I feel for you, i really do. I have lost a friend like this but not so many years! My friend started getting harder and harder to contact. I thought i was maybe not reachin out enough. Finally we had this big hangout and I told her how fun it was and i'd like to try to hang out more again. She told me that thinking about hanging out with me caused her stress... Ouch. We had no fights and I had always thought had a blast. But it was too much stress to fit me into her schedule as a friend. I let it go after that but even still I miss her like hell.
cobblestone Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I know how you feel. I considered her one of my closer friends eventhough we don't hang out that often. I only knew she was engaged through a mutual friend, I was upset but was thinking maybe she's been busy, she will eventually tell me etc. Anyway, she did no such thing, not a word. I saw her at uni a few months later and asked her about it and she said 'Yes! I'm engaged!' She was happy so I didnt want to ruin the atmosphere by asking her why she didn't tell me. She then asked me whether I'll be free in Dec 2013 cos that's when she'll be getting married. Fast forward a few months later in Dec 2013, she got married and yup you guessed it, she did not invite me! She managed to invite a friend who she was supposedly estranged with though I have since deleted her number. I don't need someone like that in my life.
Author d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Ran into some other mutual friends over the weekend. Nobody had better info then what had been posted on stupid FB. Between my whine here & then I had gotten a return text & a missed call from her. Called her back but missed her. From the mutual friends I learned I got more then everybody else. Her own sister even called me for details. I finally talked to her & I think she's just freaked. Planning a wedding is tough under the best of circumstances. Her & her FI are in an LDR & of course money is an issue. She told me she was hiding from everybody because people keep asking her the same questions & she doesn't have any answers. I joked that I probably have all the same questions. Then I downshifted & assured her that I was confident she'd tell me when she had some answers. I did say I had 3 questions & asked them. Are you happy? Can I do anything to help? When could we get together so she could show off the ring? Upon hearing my questions, she relaxed. She shared some of her fears, especially the logistics. I assured her that nobody would hate her if she had a destination wedding & that DH & I would make every effort to go no matter where it was. I also assured her that if we went to her destination wedding I wouldn't call her after the ceremony / reception while we all in the same city so she & her new hubby could have some privacy. Thank you all for letting me whine. In the end, as my head knew even if my heart & ego didn't, her disappearing act had everything to do with her & nothing to do with me.
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Deleted long reply after reading up the update. Glad you two are talking again. 1
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