dustystar Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 So... I've already posted 2x on LS claiming that I've dumped the MM for the last and final time. We just had a fall out about twenty minutes ago so I'm a little numb. After approximately 20 breakups in almost 2.5 years, I don't even know how I can go about this one. This is the first time I've told him that "I'm stuck and I can't get out of the relationship." I am too weak to make that final break from him. I told him that the only way we can be broken up is if HE breaks up with me. He's sick and tired of me blaming him for the demise of our relationship. I ask him why didn't he tell me in the very beginning that we were never going to truly be together. (He used to make the promise that when two years came around, something would happen...) He evades the question and says I can make the choice to leave now. Too bad my heart is completely immersed in him. Plus, we see each other at work, and I do not want to leave my job, so that makes genuine NC difficult. I'm feeling a little vulnerable now so I actually just responded to someone on an online dating site who I would usually not reply to. MM was my first relationship, first everything. I feel betrayed. He's tired of me asking about his relationship with his wife. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel hopeless. I know I am to blame for some of our problems but I'm so mad at him for his lies and future faking. He was the one who, in the beginning and mid-part of our relationship, used to beg me to stay and I complied. Now, I'm the desperate one. I feel somewhat insane actually. In a way, I want him to say that he is DONE. That will force me to let go. Nonetheless, I'm kind of scared of what my reaction would be if he did say that... what if I do go insane and drive to his home and stalk him? So he thinks that we're not broken up because I told him that he's stuck with me for life now. He told me that he'll decide when he wants to talk to me again. (He said that he's tired of me starting arguments and making trouble.) I said if you decide to pick and choose when you speak to me, that means you are done. And I left it at that. I feel like a big fat fool... again. I want to just feel nothing for him. Guess I just wanted to post all of my crazy thoughts for the world to see. Thanks for reading.
Speakingofwhich Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Your thoughts aren't crazy. Under the circumstances they're normal! 1
wanting more Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 YOU have to tell him it's over. YOU have to move on. YOU have to take your power back. You're telling him everything he wants to hear. You're boosting his ego. And giving away your self respect. Don't let someone have the control over you. ALL those break ups mean nothing. Make this one be the final one. And dont tell him he's the one that's going to have to end this because you can't You can do whatever you want to. When you decide. 6
happy stillmore Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I read a quote on LS that rang true with me. Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option. You are settling for breadcrumbs with this guy. You know you are worth more than that. You deserve 100%. Would you want your best friend to be treated this way? Then why do you allow it for yourself? You are lucky. You are single and free to find someone who won't be a coward and cheat like MM. Pity his wife who doesn't know what a cheating loser she is married to. Ask yourself, what makes this man so great that he deserves two woman to love him. Hmmm. Seriously, his actions (or lack of actions) say a lot. He doesn't love you enough to change his comfy life. Believe me, I've been where you are and it hurts to think this. A part of him loves you, I'm sure of it but he is either too afraid or lazy to make the changes to be with you. He is essentially stealing your previous life from you because down deep, he knows he doesn't have the guts to divorce his wife. You are a pleasant distraction for his humdrum life. You need to be done with him. Write one more text or one more conversation saying you are done. So done. Tell him you love yourself too much to settle for his crumbs. You deserve more than he can give you. Tell him, you are going to free yourself of this situation in order to be with someone who will love you his properly. Tell him you will no longer talk to him unless it is absolutely necessary for work. Work only! If he attempts to get personal, tell him you will call his wife and tell her everything. You must commit to yourself. Save yourself now! You will feel your control of your life coming back to you when you stop this hopeless charade with MM. If he truly loved you, he would move mountains for you. Edited January 10, 2014 by happy stillmore 4
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 You can't do this on your own, really and please think about therapy to help you gain the strength to end it with him. He's awful, really he is. I know you love him and he's all you know, but he truly is a jerk. His actions have told you for a long time now that he done with you, sadly he doesn't respect you which is why he can treat you like this. he knows you're not going anywhere and don't have it in you to walk away. He's older, wiser and yes you're partially responsible here, but he has led you on, manipulated you and brainwashed you as well. You are loyal to him and he knows it. He knows how to push your buttons to get what he wants. 20 break ups mean absolutely nothing to him, the actions show that. You're still there in his life..he knows this too. start detaching yourself. His marriage? None of your business so stop asking about his relationship with his wife. He is not leaving her, ever. Rely on your friends more and family too. Detach by not opening up to him bit by bit about your life and don't ask about his at all. You can't do this on your own, I mean this so nicely - Everybody has counseling at some point in time in their life and it's helpful. You need it so you can get away from him and stop wasting your precious heart on someone who now is being a jerk. I wish I could really give you a hug in person. 3
Author dustystar Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Thank you for all of your responses. It means a lot to me. I have a best friend I've confided in but it's difficult to keep disappointing her when I talk about the ongoing relationship I have with the MM. I do need counseling. The past 20 times or so that I broke up with him, I could not maintain NC for the life of me. I would give in every time! I feel like it's IMPOSSIBLE. I know that I sound pathetic. Each time I told myself, no way am I going to speak to him ever again. And then a few days later, I would. My idiotic heart does not want to block him. My mindset is still stuck on him and I WANT his "I miss and love you" texts, skypes, even after I've broken up with him! Do you think it's possible to maintain the contact and to truly somehow detach from him? What I need to do is change my mindset. That's the problem. I know that he's no good for me, I know that he's a jerk for stringing me along, and yet I want his love and affection and attention despite all of that. The reason why I signed up for online dating sites is because I'm trying to force myself to disconnect myself from him. No such luck yet. I think I've been on the dating site for a year. I haven't attempted to go out on one date yet. I've never actually dated in my life before I met the MM. I don't want to now. I don't even know if I should do so. He's ten years older than me. It's weird that I don't have daddy issues/past relationship issues, either. No excuse for me to be involved in this situation. I have a great father. I was, like many OW on here, a happy person, prior to this relationship. I loved my life and never felt like I needed a man. Now, I've transformed into someone I don't even know. Only person I have to blame is myself, although I do secretly put a lot of the blame on MM.
curiousGeorge2 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I guess it all depends on the circumstance.
bentleychic Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I have found keeping a journal is very helpful for me in multiple situations. Perhaps if you do so, writing down not only the good, but also the bad, it will help. If you decide to break up with him, you can reread the journal and maybe it will help you maintain NC. I do believe that you will have to be the one to take your power back and decide to end it because he is not going to. 20 break ups? I have NO idea how one deals with that. My heart would be broken in a million pieces. Good luck with your decision! 1
BrookeM Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I have a best friend I've confided in but it's difficult to keep disappointing her when I talk about the ongoing relationship I have with the MM. I do need counseling. I, too, have exhausted my BFF's patience with my A. I told her last August we broke it off in an attempt to stop myself from looking like an ass. I met another OW on here and we've become really great friends. Other than her, I don't talk to anyone about my A. I'm ashamed and embarrassed because of it. The past 20 times or so that I broke up with him, I could not maintain NC for the life of me. I would give in every time! I feel like it's IMPOSSIBLE. I know that I sound pathetic. Each time I told myself, no way am I going to speak to him ever again. And then a few days later, I would. My idiotic heart does not want to block him. My mindset is still stuck on him and I WANT his "I miss and love you" texts, skypes, even after I've broken up with him! I regress as soon as I either A) Decide I'm going to disappear without telling him. It usually lasts a day or two before I crack and break the brief NC. Or B) I'll give in and respond to one of his "I miss you, please talk to me" texts. He's always had a way of tugging my heart strings just enough to make me rethink my decision. We've been in the A for nearly a year. I coerced a break up out of him in July. I was so unhappy and wanted out but I couldn't find the strength inside myself to end it. It was brutal, but the only way I was able to let go was if I was forced to. He was back after exactly 2 weeks of NC, begging and pleading. I was stupid and let him back in. I was, like many OW on here, a happy person, prior to this relationship. I loved my life and never felt like I needed a man. Now, I've transformed into someone I don't even know. Only person I have to blame is myself, although I do secretly put a lot of the blame on MM. I completely relate to everything that was said here. I think we become so immersed in the brainwashing and fake promises that we completely lose ourselves. Fantasy and reality are impossible to differentiate most of the time. 2
veryhappy Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) He's tired of you starting arguments and making trouble? Oh, the nerve and arrogance of these guys. You're too attached because he was your first. Find somebody else to start to cleanse yourself from him. You're in a tough spot, but you need to detach from him any way you can. He just used you and it's so wrong. how old were you when it started? Were you even 18? Edited January 10, 2014 by cutedragon
Cocochai Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Thank you for all of your responses. It means a lot to me. I have a best friend I've confided in but it's difficult to keep disappointing her when I talk about the ongoing relationship I have with the MM. I do need counseling. The past 20 times or so that I broke up with him, I could not maintain NC for the life of me. I would give in every time! I feel like it's IMPOSSIBLE. I know that I sound pathetic. Each time I told myself, no way am I going to speak to him ever again. And then a few days later, I would. My idiotic heart does not want to block him. My mindset is still stuck on him and I WANT his "I miss and love you" texts, skypes, even after I've broken up with him! Do you think it's possible to maintain the contact and to truly somehow detach from him? What I need to do is change my mindset. That's the problem. I know that he's no good for me, I know that he's a jerk for stringing me along, and yet I want his love and affection and attention despite all of that. The reason why I signed up for online dating sites is because I'm trying to force myself to disconnect myself from him. No such luck yet. I think I've been on the dating site for a year. I haven't attempted to go out on one date yet. I've never actually dated in my life before I met the MM. I don't want to now. I don't even know if I should do so. He's ten years older than me. It's weird that I don't have daddy issues/past relationship issues, either. No excuse for me to be involved in this situation. I have a great father. I was, like many OW on here, a happy person, prior to this relationship. I loved my life and never felt like I needed a man. Now, I've transformed into someone I don't even know. Only person I have to blame is myself, although I do secretly put a lot of the blame on MM. Get off I repeat, get off online dating sites until your wounds are closed for this man. Right now your in a vulnerable position and you don't want a guy to take advantage of that or, use a guy as the rebound until MM comes back. Trust me... Been there done that and I think I put a huge trust issue in the guy I used and truly wanted to be there for me. Do counseling like someone else mentioned or cut all communications with this guy. When MM starts taking you for granted and knows your every move... The A is now one sided.
Author dustystar Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Lol, I guess I'm a very late bloomer. We began the relationship at work when I was 24 years old. I was brought up in a wonderful household with, what I feel, good morals. Don't know how I lost track of myself so badly. Thank you for all of your empathies and advice! I know what you are all saying is 100% right... it's just so hard to put into practice. BrookeM, I appreciate your transparency. Thank you! Cocochai, thank you for your online dating advice. I will get off the site for now. Edited January 10, 2014 by dustystar
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