SweetCharity Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I started dating a guy right before the holidays hit. He didn't even ask me to be his girlfriend, he just started calling me that. I already met his whole family and he met mine. He treated me with nothing but respect and kindness and was on the same page with me on a lot of things. So I went with it. Well, problems started to arise. Turns out he had a serious problem with marijuana and cocaine use and was already in legal trouble for marijuana possession. I did my best to not enable him but his addiction was getting out of control and he refused to change it. Long story short, he broke the terms of a court mandate and ended up in jail three weeks after we started dating. I stuck around. I went to his parents house to talk to him on the phone. I've been keeping in close contact with his mother to get updates on him and give her moral support. I even visited him in jail. This lasted for three weeks. Now he's out of jail and in a halfway house. He won't be out of there for 6 months. All I can do is send him letters and talk to him on the phone. Whether I'll be able to visit is still up in the air. I just have no idea what to do. I've invested so much energy into this and know this is what's best for him but deep down inside I know this isn't how a relationship is supposed to be. I barely talk to him and am getting so lonely. He gets jealous when I tell him about how I go out. He doesn't even want me making guy friends. Hell, he made it clear he wants me to stay away from his brothers, who are around the same age as us. I know I tend to come off as flirtatious, but jeez, I've never ever cheated on a boyfriend. I'm not going to start now. I wasn't really happy before I met him but I'm not exactly happy right now. And I was miserable when his problem was getting out of control. I want to be supportive. I don't want to abandon him. But I feel like I have an imaginary boyfriend. And it's not like he's a super shady guy. He's smart, kind and talented. He comes from a well-to-do family with a nice house and both parents. I'm torn. Any thoughts?
BlametheIrish Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 He needs to.get over his issues befote he even considers a relationship. I think if you stay with him you will have alot of drama in your future. He's already showing signs of being posessive too. Sounds like you could dp much much better. If you choose to or not is up to yiu. 1
pickflicker Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 No, he needs to get himself back on track and then maybe, you can have a relationship. He needs to be in stable housing, employed, and sober. Until then, move on. 1
CarrieT Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 You can support him by being his friend - but not his girlfriend. Let him concentrate on getting himself back on his feet. He can't be a partner to anyone in this state. 4
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Forgive me, but how much energy could you have put in in such a short time? You can't fix him. BF should not be fixer-upper projects. Stop pouring good energy after bad. This relationship is going no where good. 4
beach Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 He's got a lot to focus on right now - and any distractions aren't helpful. I think it's best you get busy living and allow him the space and grace to find his way to a better future. He has a lot of work ahead of him- stay away so he can get well.
Author SweetCharity Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 He's got a lot to focus on right now - and any distractions aren't helpful. I think it's best you get busy living and allow him the space and grace to find his way to a better future. He has a lot of work ahead of him- stay away so he can get well. I have to disagree here. I'm not an unhelpful distraction. If anything I was an incentive to stay clean. I don't do or condone drugs. Aside from his family I'm the only friend he has who's actually here for him. None of his other friends have even asked about him. A lot of them are users too.
Author SweetCharity Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 You fell for him in such a short time ? Addiction is a serious issue to deal with, not only for the addict but for the family of the addict. You actually unknowingly put yourself at risk by dating him while he was getting high. Lets say you got pulled over with him in the car and he had drugs in it. Bam, your arrested by association. You may like the idea of him, but at this point dating someone who needs to help himself will emotionally drain you. Just because his parents have money does not change addiction. I think you invested too much in such a short period of time. I concur with the other posters. Let him rid himself of his baggage before you attempt anything other then platonic. His parents having money has nothing to do with it. I was only saying that he comes from a good family and isn't a walking stereotype of an addict. I never meant to imply anything else.
Author SweetCharity Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Addicts come in all shapes in forms. Well obviously.
CarrieT Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 If anything I was an incentive to stay clean. This is what is known as being co-dependent. Trust me, what brought me to Loveshack back in 2008 was the ending of a relationship with an addict. Like your friend, mine came from a very wealthy family and was not "your walking stereotype of an addict." There are no stereotypes. And I honestly believed that my love was enough for him. I hoped that my love was enough for him. That he would love me more than the drugs and the booze. But the bottom line for any addict is that if/when they want to be clean of their addiction, they are doing so because they love THEMSELVES more than the drug. It can never be for another person because it will never stick. I have been broken up with my Ex for almost five years. Since then, he has been in two different rehabs and despite his family's tens of millions of dollars (seriously, they own casinos), he still lives in a half-way house getting government assistance. My Ex still loves his addiction more than himself or any woman who reached out to him to help. You have to be strong enough to walk away. You are not an incentive - you are just another crutch to him. 8
Author SweetCharity Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 This is what is known as being co-dependent. Trust me, what brought me to Loveshack back in 2008 was the ending of a relationship with an addict. Like your friend, mine came from a very wealthy family and was not "your walking stereotype of an addict." There are no stereotypes. And I honestly believed that my love was enough for him. I hoped that my love was enough for him. That he would love me more than the drugs and the booze. But the bottom line for any addict is that if/when they want to be clean of their addiction, they are doing so because they love THEMSELVES more than the drug. It can never be for another person because it will never stick. I have been broken up with my Ex for almost five years. Since then, he has been in two different rehabs and despite his family's tens of millions of dollars (seriously, they own casinos), he still lives in a half-way house getting government assistance. My Ex still loves his addiction more than himself or any woman who reached out to him to help. You have to be strong enough to walk away. You are not an incentive - you are just another crutch to him. Thank you for the advice. It's a lot to think about and deep down in my heart I know what everyone here is saying is right.
beach Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I'm with CarrieT. I'm almost 6 years clean and sober. I've sponsored almost 100 people. Even when the addicted one wants to stay sober - they have so much emotional baggage to sift through for a good while after they get clean. Any distractions just slow down their progress. You can allow him to understand you support him in doing what's right - but that also may include giving him plenty of time on his own and the space he needs to find his way that works for him.
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I have to disagree here. I'm not an unhelpful distraction. If anything I was an incentive to stay clean. I don't do or condone drugs. Aside from his family I'm the only friend he has who's actually here for him. None of his other friends have even asked about him. A lot of them are users too. Most competent addition specialist will tell you that an addict should not start a new relationship while trying to get clean. Your heart may be in the right place, but for now, with his recent relapse / backslide, you are a hindrance, not a help 2
ChatroomHero Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I have to disagree here. I'm not an unhelpful distraction. If anything I was an incentive to stay clean. I don't do or condone drugs. Aside from his family I'm the only friend he has who's actually here for him. None of his other friends have even asked about him. A lot of them are users too. I am going through this exact same relationship dynamic minus the jail thing. I will be very blunt, you will be a helpful distraction until you have an argument or are not around, working, out with friends... After he is out, if you are his reason for staying clean it will put pressure on you. If you have an argument, if he needs you and you cannot see him...it will be an excuse to use. It will get thrown back at you like it is your burden to keep him clean at certain points. Addicts are beyond expert at deception, everything ends up being suspect and you have to be for lack of a better term, a bad-ass d*ck that is prepared to show no empathy on any given day. You basically have to put your "love" aside to cut through the bs. It's tough. If you aren't prepared for that he will run all over you and you will enable him without you even realizing it. The lies you have to be prepared for are as simple as, "hey, I'm going to get the mail from the mailbox" and you'll find out that he walked 3 houses down to meet his dealer for a quick pickup...you'll have to be prepared to interrogate him if something seems off, and believe me, a lot of things will seem off. It's a lot of stress, a ton of stress actually and he will at times try to use your "love" for him as a tool for sympathy. You just have to be prepared to call any bs, every time. 2
ThatMan Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Most competent addition specialist will tell you that an addict should not start a new relationship while trying to get clean. Your heart may be in the right place, but for now, with his recent relapse / backslide, you are a hindrance, not a help I have nothing for the utmost respect for anyone who is doing the right thing by beginning to overcome addiction. But this message above is absolutely correct. What people on the internet say isn't going to sink in very well compared to the words directly from a professional's mouth. You are already invested in a relationship. That's why it's so important to take an active role in this by speaking to somebody yourself. Attend an Al-Anon meeting in your local area. Until the day he reaches sobriety, you should not start a relationship with him. And I'm not the type to ever suggest people breakup. There is a legitimate reason why you should not do this. I hope that you continue seeking advice outside of the internet and with professionals who are experienced. Edited January 10, 2014 by ThatMan
soccerrprp Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I have a very close friend who was in a similar relationship. He had a friend that was simply screwed up and occasionally threatened suicide. One day the friend attempted it and alerted him to it. The paramedics got to him in time, but my friend decided it was time to distance himself. After helping his SO during the recovery, my friend severely limited contact and association. His reasons: 1. He felt that his SO was using his addictions and suicide attempts as a means to manipulate 2. He felt that remaining even "friends" with his SO was toxic. He didn't want nor deserved such drama in his already complicated life. He wanted healthy people around him.
SmartDude Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 You don't have to end the relationship, but you do not need to stay either. Staying ,will take a strong individual to "do it right". It may be possible to slow down the relationship and have contact once or twice a week. Do not live together, if you can help it. Minimize any cash you give an addict, they will use it for drugs like 99% of the time. Sometimes you need to throw all the rules out the window. What is true for one situation might be wrong for another. You will need to act skillfully as opposed to un-skillfully. If you are looking for a bliss-bunny relationship this is not it. Some people would never chose such a relationship as this, and they will not understand. Loving an addict can have strange benefits though...Everything becomes very real, and there is no superficiality. Its very challenging. You will know pain and you will experience joy. At least its never boring eh? Having been through it once with someone, would I do it again? MAYBE? Be careful of professionals in the business of rehabilitation. Sometimes they are right but sometimes its just a one-size-fits-all mentality. For example what is better: Sticking to a plan of "tough love" because a counselor told you this is the right way or having that person finally reach their limit and kill themselves because of that "tough love"?
Author SweetCharity Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 The lies you have to be prepared for are as simple as, "hey, I'm going to get the mail from the mailbox" and you'll find out that he walked 3 houses down to meet his dealer for a quick pickup...you'll have to be prepared to interrogate him if something seems off, and believe me, a lot of things will seem off. The line he'd use all the time to his parents is "I'm going to go pick up cigarettes." One night we were supposed to hang out and he never got back to me. He didn't answer a single text or phone call. I was so worried. I thought he had gotten into trouble. I found out later that he was out using and selling and it was the worse feeling.
ChatroomHero Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 The line he'd use all the time to his parents is "I'm going to go pick up cigarettes." One night we were supposed to hang out and he never got back to me. He didn't answer a single text or phone call. I was so worried. I thought he had gotten into trouble. I found out later that he was out using and selling and it was the worse feeling. I have found if I interrogate her I will eventually get an admission after 30 minutes of acting like I am crazy, but interestingly she will usually then tell me the signs to know when she is lying. It's like she knows she will use again and she knows the excuses will fly and she knows she will not readily admit it but in moments of clarity tells me her secrets and go to "tricks" when she wants to use. It's strange. It will happen over and over again. He will be with you 24/7 for 5 days and you think everything is great and then he will try something like asking you to go to the mall with him and when you get there tell you to go in a store you like while he checks out a place for new shoes...because he set up to meet someone there. Even if you call him on it it's not like he'll make excuses not to or blow his cover by getting agitated that you want to go with him, he'll just take you with him and pretend he ran into an "old friend" until you look away. With addicts it's all very, very smooth...but if you think something does not add up, then there is a reason. If you're devastated every time he betrays you or makes a bad decision, it won't work. If you seriously can be a hard-a**ed, un-apologetic person, you will save yourself from being a wreck each time. But you still have to set boundaries and stick to them.
Author SweetCharity Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 It will happen over and over again. He will be with you 24/7 for 5 days and you think everything is great and then he will try something like asking you to go to the mall with him and when you get there tell you to go in a store you like while he checks out a place for new shoes...because he set up to meet someone there. Even if you call him on it it's not like he'll make excuses not to or blow his cover by getting agitated that you want to go with him, he'll just take you with him and pretend he ran into an "old friend" until you look away. With addicts it's all very, very smooth...but if you think something does not add up, then there is a reason. He usually would take me with him. At first he'd make me wait for him in his car while he got high. Then when I refused to do that he started going off by himself. It doesn't matter anymore anyway. I decided to break it off. 2
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