simplicity1 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I'm 2 months into dating, 1 month into being official with a new guy (I'm 23 he's 25). Each time we hang out I like him more and more and more. However, he's been dealing with major problems with his brother-emergency heart surgery, as well as a very hectic full time job. Everything seems to have gone smoothly with surgery, but needless to say it wasn't the best circumstance in which to begin a relationship and he regularly needed to stay with/help his brother and continues to be distracted by the stress of it all. That said, as his brother's condition improves, his work schedule post-holidays seems to have really intensified. We had 2 awesome and 1 pretty good date last week, but then we went almost 5 days with just about no communication. [i tried to prompt a discussion once, saying I was really excited for the date idea he had proposed last time, he responded, I responded again, and that was it for the 5 days]. Finally he broke the silence and texted saying that works been killing him the last 3 days. That prompted only a bit more sporadic texting where I was supportive/inquisitive/told him a cool thing that happened to me, but he was so slow to respond to things (sometimes 12+ hours to respond) so I finally texted tonight saying that he seemed super busy this week. He responded with a super bitter text saying that he was still at office, annoyed at colleagues for certain things, and then imposed his bitterness/cynicism on the fun thing I had told him about my day. All this to say that I'm currently left with a really bad feeling about things. When we're together (ex/our 3 dates last week) things were really great overall, I think! He was able to spend the night for the first time since his brother's illness and it was just so nice. But when dating my ex (first boyfriend), 1 month into official dating was absolutely PRIME honeymoon phase. It was so joyful, only ever passionate and happy, and we couldn't get enough of each other one month in. This feels more like how it felt when things were turning sour with my ex...If he's working this hard during the week 1 month in, then if he gets more comfortable with me I'm worried it'll only get worse. We don't have concrete plans to hang out again and I would rather he suggest something since he's been so MIA/unresponsive all week Anyway, just not sure how understanding/supportive of his circumstances I should be. Should I consider just cutting ties? I dunno. I hate feeling this bitterness/confusion so early on, but I do really like him, at least when we're spending time together in person. Over text, and when apart, I don't feel much warmth at all from him. knowing me, his distance will just make me crave him more and I'll soon cave and be the one to propose we hang out Edited January 10, 2014 by simplicity1
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Reaching out to make a date is a good thing. Don't feel like you are caving by reaching out. If it's temporary, don't worry too much. If you don't see him being more available without explanation, then take another look. Obviously if the brother's health takes turn for the worse, it has nothing to do with you.
Lady2163 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 So...at that age I was in the military...and my days were 18 hour days. Nothing pissed me off more to be I the Persian Gulf and get a letter from a friend that started with, "Sorry I haven't written, but I've been so busy..." Now, i tell you that story to let you know his day is probably not near as busy as he thinks it is. IF he is into you, he will make time, he will make contact. So....give him a chance, but a couple of months at the most. 1
eleve82 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 this sporadic texting and complete silence for dates is something that you will just have to keep an eye on given this unique circumstance. Give it some time to improve. If he doesn't make any effort to see more of you or stay in touch, sooner or later, you will grow tired of this and end up directing your attention elsewhere (in which case, he kinda deserves it). 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I'm 2 months into dating, 1 month into being official with a new guy (I'm 23 he's 25). Each time we hang out I like him more and more and more. However, he's been dealing with major problems with his brother-emergency heart surgery, as well as a very hectic full time job. Everything seems to have gone smoothly with surgery, but needless to say it wasn't the best circumstance in which to begin a relationship and he regularly needed to stay with/help his brother and continues to be distracted by the stress of it all. That said, as his brother's condition improves, his work schedule post-holidays seems to have really intensified. We had 2 awesome and 1 pretty good date last week, but then we went almost 5 days with just about no communication. [I tried to prompt a discussion once, saying I was really excited for the date idea he had proposed last time, he responded, I responded again, and that was it for the 5 days]. Finally he broke the silence and texted saying that works been killing him the last 3 days. That prompted only a bit more sporadic texting where I was supportive/inquisitive/told him a cool thing that happened to me, but he was so slow to respond to things (sometimes 12+ hours to respond) so I finally texted tonight saying that he seemed super busy this week. He responded with a super bitter text saying that he was still at office, annoyed at colleagues for certain things, and then imposed his bitterness/cynicism on the fun thing I had told him about my day. All this to say that I'm currently left with a really bad feeling about things. When we're together (ex/our 3 dates last week) things were really great overall, I think! He was able to spend the night for the first time since his brother's illness and it was just so nice. But when dating my ex (first boyfriend), 1 month into official dating was absolutely PRIME honeymoon phase. It was so joyful, only ever passionate and happy, and we couldn't get enough of each other one month in. This feels more like how it felt when things were turning sour with my ex...If he's working this hard during the week 1 month in, then if he gets more comfortable with me I'm worried it'll only get worse. We don't have concrete plans to hang out again and I would rather he suggest something since he's been so MIA/unresponsive all week Anyway, just not sure how understanding/supportive of his circumstances I should be. Should I consider just cutting ties? I dunno. I hate feeling this bitterness/confusion so early on, but I do really like him, at least when we're spending time together in person. Over text, and when apart, I don't feel much warmth at all from him. knowing me, his distance will just make me crave him more and I'll soon cave and be the one to propose we hang out If this were me, I wouldn't consider him an official boyfriend. I'd see more like someone I was casually dating. The level of contact and lack of initiative would be my cue that things weren't as serious as I'd thought. Going days with almost no contact isn't the sign of someone who is prepared to be in a relationship, in my experience. 3
DazedAndConfused15 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I've always been a firm believer of "If he/she really likes you, they will make time for you." But honestly sometimes there are circumstances where they really don't have time for you. Ride it out a little longer. Be patient with him if you really do like him and see if things improve. A good boyfriend will call you after a really long day and have a conversation with you. Even if it's only a 3 minute phone conversation because he's really tired and has to get up early, it shows that he values this relationship and wants things to work between you. If after a month he still doesn't do these sort of things and it doesn't improve - I would call it off and look elsewhere, you deserve better. As for the "Honeymoon Period" thing - This only wears off because you end up spending so much time together during this period and you get used to each other. It doesn't have a "time of relationship" expiration date, it has a "time with each other" expiration date; so consider it postponed! This guy could easily see you as just a booty-call or he could actually like you and actually be busy. Wait it out, see how things develop. Don't emotionally invest anymore than you already have until he does.
AriesGirl803 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I don't understand why people start a relationship and then pull this sh*t not very long after. I was in a similar scenario myself--we talked every day and hung out a few times a week. Suddenly, about 2 mo in, he would not talk to me for days on end and I was lucky if I got to see him more than once/twice a week. His excuse: I'm busy. To me it's absolutely insulting. I am a 100% believer in the idea that people make time for what they care about. He didn't care about me like I had thought, and I was miserable dealing with his sketchiness anyways. Needless to say, I ended it. But to be completely honest, he was already gone. I would say be done with the guy. If the brother/emergency surgery thing is done with and he's still not initiating contact, I would show him the door. 1
Author simplicity1 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Posted January 11, 2014 Thanks for the advice. So we ended up going out to dinner yesterday and we're going to a party today. So seems like he's still willing to make time for me on weekends at least. However, after the dinner I was really surprised to hear that he didn't want to come over, he 'wanted to go back to his brother' is what he said, though it was already really late so I was thinking that was an excuse. He was telling goofy stories about his childhood during dinner so that was fun, but he also seemed really unable to enjoy any physical intimacy, like kissing felt so..unfocused and rushed on his part if that makes sense. He also mentioned at one point in a different context that he's been told that he's really emotionally unexpressive. He told this in kind of a funny way so I laughed in the moment, but upon reflection it just further complicates my efforts to figure out what's going on. The combination of being distracted by his brother's health as well as this new piece of information that he doesn't think he expresses emotion well could really be skewing my impression of how emotionally invested he is. On the other hand, I just feel this...wall that I DEFINITELY did not feel with my ex at this stage of dating, which makes it hard for me to be fully comfortable around him and affects my behavior. Given all of your advice it seems like I should go with the flow a little longer to see how things shift, but I'm just wondering if some kind of conversation with him could be productive or whether it would just ruin the natural flow of things.
Author simplicity1 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 *bump* so he ended up organizing 3 times to see me this weekend, all for active, fun dates. BUT he completely avoided sleeping over to my house. I asked him about this, and he said that it's hard for him to leave his brother alone all night and he's most anxious and scared about his brother's condition at night (it's just the two of them living together). BUT this perfectly understandable reasoning doesn't explain why he doesn't value coming over for a few hours, even! I mean, even though he *says* he wants the intimacy, evidence shows it's *clearly* not a priority for him, right?? we've not been physically intimate beyond kissing in well over a week now! I'm worried that he is avoiding it because he had performance issues the last few times we did try, I tried not to call attention but eventually he told me that it's because he's distracted by the stress of his brother's situation. We've been dating for 2 months, official for 1 month, and he's still hardly kept it up and not ever cum. Lots of kissing and touching in the car when he dropped me off this weekend one night, but when things got a little more heated in the car he abruptly stopped himself and said he had to go back home. He texted me about his crazy work day/long hangout with friends monday night, so I mean, say what he wants, he clearly has the ability to make time for things if he wants to. HOW DO I REMEDY THIS SITUATION?? I just want to hug him at night, even if the rest has to wait since he is stressed. I've told him this, I told him I hope he can make time for us sometime this week. it doesnt seem to change things, and he just says "i'll try to make time." but I don't really believe that he will I don't want this to be a burden for him! This is a brand new relationship and I just want him to prioritize this! To me it feels like a wall between us that we don't spend time in bed together. Is it really his brother's precarious medical condition that sucks his desire for sexual intimacy away? Why can't he just come over and lie next to me and watch a movie or something? He clearly makes time over the weekend for me, and for his friends. Even with his crazy work hours he goes out with his friend on a Monday night. 2 months into dating with lots of kissing (temptation for more!) yet minimal physical intimacy is SUCH a strange feeling to me. Help
Iguanna Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I was more irritated that he made a cynical comment on what you told him about your day. It seems that he hasn't created any caring feelings for you yet. He doesn't seem to show some affection and you are like his entertainment when he chooses or can have the time. He doesn't care about your needs and he takes you for granted. One thing I hate in relationships is unfairness, when someone give way more than the other and the other is the jerk who just enjoys it. Sending an affectionate text lasts for 2 minutes, but he doesn't seem to respect you enough to let you know about how things are going and what he wants. I think you met him at a wrong time in his life. If it were me, I'd tell him that I let him go and if one day he has a more free schedule, we can discuss it again, and move on with my life. You don't seem to like him that much anyway, and it's logical after his trashy behavior. 1
Emilia Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Uh oh, this boy is one with issues if he is that uptight about touch/intimacy.
Els Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 If you are having this many problems 2 months in, I really don't think there is any dissection necessary. Is he not into you or is he genuinely too busy? Nobody can answer that. What matters is that this R does not have much potential if it is making you this unhappy, regardless of whether it is or is not his fault. Time to cut your losses. 2
Author simplicity1 Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 As for the "Honeymoon Period" thing - This only wears off because you end up spending so much time together during this period and you get used to each other. It doesn't have a "time of relationship" expiration date, it has a "time with each other" expiration date; so consider it postponed! DazedAndConfused15, you turned out to be right on target. Once his nerves calmed about everything else we entered into a period that feels much more blissful. I think circumstances just caused this period to be postponed.
Recommended Posts