KAOJ Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I will try to make a long story short. Apologies if my story is choppy. Been involved with an older man about 8 months. Its been a bit rough. I feel like he smothers me, is controlling and manipulative. (A few other issues I have learned of in our beginning stage too) Early on in the relationship, I told him I am no where at the point of considering marriage or moving in. I told him to slow his roll and he did....for a little while. (In the last few months he was fired from a job he had for 12 years and found a new promising job - which is great - and he is very excited about his new position). I truly care about him and never ever want to hurt him but I fear I will. I am feeling very uncomfortable in this relationship. He buys me very, very expensive gifts that I have told him from the beginning I don't expect, need or want. I don't wear or use the things he gives me. I have nicely packed up all of the gifts that I am returning to him when "the talk" happens. He randomly bought a ring before Thankgiving and I wouldn't accept it and I asked him to promise me we were not exchanging gifts at Christmas. He promised. Guess what? He completely disrespected my wishes and bought fancy gifts for me, my mother and my brother. As if he is buying approval or acceptance. He met my family for the first time on Christmas. Three days later, my Grandma was in the ICU after suffering from a stroke. He showed up uninvited, unannouced in my Grandma's room! He knows no boundaries. (The lengths he went to to manipulate me to find out my grandmother's last name were ridiculous!) By the way, he passed through TWO hospital security doors that read: "ICU Families Only" ...Creepy? He told me he has named me as his beneficiary and says he added me to his will. I am so uncomfortable. I don't really know what my exact question is...but does anyone offer random break-up advice? Support advice? He is going to be so hurt. I didn't mean to sound like a bitch-fest telling my story....I really also want to say he is also very good to me. He does sweet things like cook and he makes me a to-go cup of coffee when I see him in the morning. He drives almost everywhere and does very nice things too, but I don't think we are a good fit Can I also trouble you for one more question: How important is sex to you in a relationship? Edited January 10, 2014 by KAOJ addition
flightplan Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I will try to make a long story short. Apologies if my story is choppy. Been involved with an older man about 8 months. Its been a bit rough. I feel like he smothers me, is controlling and manipulative. (A few other issues I have learned of in our beginning stage too) Early on in the relationship, I told him I am no where at the point of considering marriage or moving in. I told him to slow his roll and he did....for a little while. (In the last few months he was fired from a job he had for 12 years and found a new promising job - which is great - and he is very excited about his new position). I truly care about him and never ever want to hurt him but I fear I will. I am feeling very uncomfortable in this relationship. He buys me very, very expensive gifts that I have told him from the beginning I don't expect, need or want. I don't wear or use the things he gives me. I have nicely packed up all of the gifts that I am returning to him when "the talk" happens. He randomly bought a ring before Thankgiving and I wouldn't accept it and I asked him to promise me we were not exchanging gifts at Christmas. He promised. Guess what? He completely disrespected my wishes and bought fancy gifts for me, my mother and my brother. As if he is buying approval or acceptance. He met my family for the first time on Christmas. Three days later, my Grandma was in the ICU after suffering from a stroke. He showed up uninvited, unannouced in my Grandma's room! He knows no boundaries. (The lengths he went to to manipulate me to find out my grandmother's last name were ridiculous!) He told me he has named me as his beneficiary and says he added me to his will. I am so uncomfortable. I don't really know what my exact question is...but does anyone offer random break-up advice? Support advice? He is going to be so hurt. I didn't mean to sound like a bitch-fest telling my story....I really also want to say he is also very good to me. He does sweet things like cook and he makes me a to-go cup of coffee when I see him in the morning. He drives almost everywhere and does very nice things too, but I don't think we are a good fit Can I also trouble you for one more question: How important is sex to you in a relationship? Here's one idea for thought. Do it in a public place like a restaurant. Drive yourself. Don't sugar coat it because he sounds like he'll start a debate with you. Have a ride standing by so you can leave the restaurant on your own when it's time. The type of guy you describe does not respect you and is a narcissist so he's going to be in total denial, once it dawns on him he can't buy you, then he's going to get pissed. If you were my sister, I personally would stay with you the next few days while the dust settles. Guys like this don't know what "no" means and can be unpredictable. Sex? Hugely important. A lot of relationships crumble over sex or lack of. Depends on the individuals, but personally, it's a BIG deal. GOOD LUCK! 2
Author KAOJ Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 My sister said almost the same thing! She says I am going to have to cut him off - QUICK - and run! Well said! Another issue (or something we haven't ever *connected* on) is sex. I haven't really had sex for YEARS I kinda forget what its like. I kinda feel like I want to have sex if I am in a relationship - and I'm not - is that selfish? If I remember correctly, sex is really fun, right?! Thanks for the advice Flightplan
pickflicker Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Oh my, he added you to the will already? Yikes! Don't do it in a restaurant. Ask a friend to drive you to a public place like a park or garden, so you have someone who can take you home afterwards. Make it very quick. "I've been doing some thinking and I've decided that I don't wish to pursue this relationship any longer. I feel you put too much pressure on me to get married, and I wish to find someone closer in my age, with more in common, to date." Then ask your friend to drive you home. Go immediately NC. 1
Author KAOJ Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Thank you pickflicker! I appreciate you all taking your time to read and reply is it normal to feel like a jerk when breaking up with someone?
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Keep your friends out it. High school is over. Pick a public natural place with some level of privacy. Tell him this just isn't working out for you. Return the stuff & leave. Do not elaborate or explain. No matter what he says, don't say anything other than this isn't working out for you. You can resort to clichés like it's not you, it's me but don't get into details. If you do, he's just going to promise to change. 1
Author KAOJ Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Agreed d0nnivain! He's said it all before.
Author KAOJ Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 (but I must admit I love the idea of a friend waiting for me) .....I am a wimp ....but I wouldn't ask someone to do that
pickflicker Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Thank you pickflicker! I appreciate you all taking your time to read and reply is it normal to feel like a jerk when breaking up with someone? If you have a level of empathy, yes. No one wants to hurt someone deliberately, but we do. Keep your friends out it. High school is over. It's not about having her friend there while she does the break up, it's about having someone there to drive her home afterwards, so that she doesn't end up in a situation where he drives her home, or she has to leave by herself and have him following, begging and pleading. It's about being smart, not juvenile. Like telling your friends what bar you'll be at on a blind date, so that they know where you are if something goes wrong. 1
chris21422 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I feel bad for the guy. But if he really loves you he should respect your decision. 1
Kizmet Fisher Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I will try to make a long story short. Apologies if my story is choppy. Been involved with an older man about 8 months. Its been a bit rough. I feel like he smothers me, is controlling and manipulative. (A few other issues I have learned of in our beginning stage too) Early on in the relationship, I told him I am no where at the point of considering marriage or moving in. I told him to slow his roll and he did....for a little while. (In the last few months he was fired from a job he had for 12 years and found a new promising job - which is great - and he is very excited about his new position). I truly care about him and never ever want to hurt him but I fear I will. I am feeling very uncomfortable in this relationship. He buys me very, very expensive gifts that I have told him from the beginning I don't expect, need or want. I don't wear or use the things he gives me. I have nicely packed up all of the gifts that I am returning to him when "the talk" happens. He randomly bought a ring before Thankgiving and I wouldn't accept it and I asked him to promise me we were not exchanging gifts at Christmas. He promised. Guess what? He completely disrespected my wishes and bought fancy gifts for me, my mother and my brother. As if he is buying approval or acceptance. He met my family for the first time on Christmas. Three days later, my Grandma was in the ICU after suffering from a stroke. He showed up uninvited, unannouced in my Grandma's room! He knows no boundaries. (The lengths he went to to manipulate me to find out my grandmother's last name were ridiculous!) By the way, he passed through TWO hospital security doors that read: "ICU Families Only" ...Creepy? He told me he has named me as his beneficiary and says he added me to his will. I am so uncomfortable. I don't really know what my exact question is...but does anyone offer random break-up advice? Support advice? He is going to be so hurt. I didn't mean to sound like a bitch-fest telling my story....I really also want to say he is also very good to me. He does sweet things like cook and he makes me a to-go cup of coffee when I see him in the morning. He drives almost everywhere and does very nice things too, but I don't think we are a good fit Can I also trouble you for one more question: How important is sex to you in a relationship? When I've broken up with someone before, this is my strategy: Do it in a semi private place.Avoid the temptation to be too nice about it. Don't get me wrong, the goal is not to be mean. But if you aren't firm about your decision, or you make him feel at all like this isn't permanent you are more likely to end up giving him false hope. False hope is the devil, so don't punk out and go the "maybe someday" route.Don't take longer than 10-15 minutes. Your goal is to break up with them, not argue or listen to them beg or watch them try not to cry. The longer you take breaking up with someone who doesn't want to break up, the more traumatic it'll be for both of you.When you're done, give him the box of stuff, say goodbye and tell him that someday he'll meet the one for him, but that person isn't you. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It's not about having her friend there while she does the break up, it's about having someone there to drive her home afterwards, so that she doesn't end up in a situation where he drives her home, or she has to leave by herself and have him following, begging and pleading. It's about being smart, not juvenile. Like telling your friends what bar you'll be at on a blind date, so that they know where you are if something goes wrong. Then have a plan to meet your friend in a bar afterwards but don't have that person waiting in a car while you break up with somebody. 1
Author KAOJ Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Thank you all SO much for your advice! My plan is to meet him this evening, alone and be out in less than 30 minutes. (Like I said, I have never done this before...) I've played out the scenario in my head and heart. Is it likely he will ask questions?
deathandtaxes Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 You said older, but not how much older. How old are the two of you? 1
LadyM Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I know you already have a plan to meet him tonight, but you do not owe it to this man to break up with him in person. That you have thoughts of needing backup or people to rescue you or whatever is a HUGE red flag. Pay attention to what your instincts are telling you. You have so many other options here that will keep you safe and you'd have so much less anxiety, like a phone call. Why are you putting yourself in a position that could cause yourself such an uneasy feeling? Why are you placing his feelings before your own? YOU come first. Yes, you owe him a conversation, but it absolutely does not have to be in person. YOU are number one. Be kind to him, but take care of yourself first. 4
Author KAOJ Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 You said older, but not how much older. How old are the two of you? He is 55 and I am 39.
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