Furious Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I want to hear from betrayed spouses if their needs were being met in their marriage. Too often, I've read that WS's claim this as a "reason" or "cause" as to why they cheated. Rarely, it's heard of WS who admits that they neglected the need to meet the needs of the wife or husband they've betrayed and yet chose to cheat. Everyone has needs, and realistically, a grounded person instinctively knows and understands that life is a balance of need and a balance of being needed. The 50/50 ratio is a myth. Real life is sometimes 60/40 or 20/70....or 10/90...especially if you have children, aging or ill parents...a career.....etc...... My needs were not being met at all times and perhaps that was a huge mistake in my not putting my foot down as to those needs. I would like input from other betrayed spouses in regard to whether their needs were being met in their marriage and how infidelity has changed their view on how they navigate their needs from now on, as to whether they reconcile or have chosen to divorce. 2
RightThere Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) I'm a BS and my needs were absolutely not being met. And I know I tried as hard as my STBXW claims she tried. We would have good days where we would do fun things and be together and enjoy each other, and other days where we didn't put in the effort and we felt the distance between us. But I never cheated. I had opportunities, but I turned them all down. I considered divorce and separation, but I didn't act on any of it. Not that it's wrong to have thought about divorce, but I would have gone through those steps at that time if I thought that's where we were. I guess my approach was to accept what I was getting, be grateful as much as I could be, and try to build on it. My STBXW did the opposite and was unhappy with what she got, was not grateful she received anything at all, and did not try to improve on what was there. As for going forward, I know I need to communicate better with any future partner about what their needs are and if they are being met. I let too much silence go on with my STBXW and really had to drag out of her what she wanted. Edited January 9, 2014 by RightThere 8
Author Furious Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I'm a BS and my needs were absolutely not being met. And I know I tried as hard as my STBXW claims she tried. We would have good days where we would do fun things and be together and enjoy each other, and other days where we didn't put in the effort and we felt the distance between us. But I never cheated. I had opportunities, but I turned them all down. I considered divorce and separation, but I didn't act on any of it. Not that it's wrong to have thought about divorce, but I would have gone through those steps at that time if I thought that's where we were. I guess my approach was to accept what I was getting, be grateful as much as I could be, and try to build on it. My STBXW did the opposite and was unhappy with what she got, was not grateful she received anything at all, and did not try to improve on what was there. As for going forward, I know I need to communicate better with any future partner about what their needs are and if they are being met. I let too much silence go on with my STBXW and really had to drag out of her what she wanted. It's ironic, that you had to drag it out by asking her what your STBXW wanted. How can you meet her needs if she didn't express those needs to you. Perhaps, expressing needs are not compatible with becoming reciprocal in giving the same in exchange. Maybe, that's why some people cannot give in exchange for what they wish to receive. Edited January 10, 2014 by Furious 4
whatatangledweb Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 My needs were being met. I did everything so he could relax when he was home. Now he helps out. I didn't like to spend money on myself before, I do now 4
Woggle Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Not in the least but only her needs seem to matter anyway. 3
Author Furious Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Not in the least but only her needs seem to matter anyway. Baffling...how some people go through life on a one way street. Strange, how many cheaters are takers but not givers. 5
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 My needs were NOT being met and I often wonder how I wasn't the one who cheated. Why wasn't I the one who cheated? Because the desire wasn't there, I guess. Because I never saw it as an option, but also the opportunity wasn't there. Our counselor (ex now) once asked if I could have cheated and I told her "I might could have emotionally cheated, yes, but I could not have done it for month and years with all the deception he had. NO." After it all came out, a man did hit on me and feel like he could take advantage of my vulnerable emotions -- and it was nice to feel wanted for the first time in years. I rejected him because he was also married and he disgusted me. His line? "I need some excitement in my life" After just learning about my husband's affair, I assured him I didn't need anymore and asked him to please speak to his wife about his needs that weren't being met. I didn't want his wife to suffer the way I was....or again. Her first husband cheated on her too. I want to hear from betrayed spouses if their needs were being met in their marriage. Too often, I've read that WS's claim this as a "reason" or "cause" as to why they cheated. Rarely, it's heard of WS who admits that they neglected the need to meet the needs of the wife or husband they've betrayed and yet chose to cheat. Everyone has needs, and realistically, a grounded person instinctively knows and understands that life is a balance of need and a balance of being needed. The 50/50 ratio is a myth. Real life is sometimes 60/40 or 20/70....or 10/90...especially if you have children, aging or ill parents...a career.....etc...... My needs were not being met at all times and perhaps that was a huge mistake in my not putting my foot down as to those needs. I would like input from other betrayed spouses in regard to whether their needs were being met in their marriage and how infidelity has changed their view on how they navigate their needs from now on, as to whether they reconcile or have chosen to divorce. 6
Author Furious Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 My needs were NOT being met and I often wonder how I wasn't the one who cheated. Why wasn't I the one who cheated? Because the desire wasn't there, I guess. Because I never saw it as an option, but also the opportunity wasn't there. Our counselor (ex now) once asked if I could have cheated and I told her "I might could have emotionally cheated, yes, but I could not have done it for month and years with all the deception he had. NO." After it all came out, a man did hit on me and feel like he could take advantage of my vulnerable emotions -- and it was nice to feel wanted for the first time in years. I rejected him because he was also married and he disgusted me. His line? "I need some excitement in my life" After just learning about my husband's affair, I assured him I didn't need anymore and asked him to please speak to his wife about his needs that weren't being met. I didn't want his wife to suffer the way I was....or again. Her first husband cheated on her too. It's obvious that your self esteem, regardless of being betrayed, was and is an integral component of your authenticity and that explains why you rejected the advances of another married man at your most vulnerable state. Your empathy as to the married man's wife and not wanting to be an accomplice in deceit speaks volumes about your character. Hugs 7
harrybrown Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 No they were not being met or noted. She was always too tired for anything, not just sex, her stomach hurt, she had a rough day at work, there were many many excuses. I always felt so rejected, so then she trades way down and has an affair. She was not too tired, and she does not know why she did this and still will not admit any wrongdoing to this day. 2
Author Furious Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 No they were not being met or noted. She was always too tired for anything, not just sex, her stomach hurt, she had a rough day at work, there were many many excuses. I always felt so rejected, so then she trades way down and has an affair. She was not too tired, and she does not know why she did this and still will not admit any wrongdoing to this day. It's not uncommon that many WS's trade down in an affair. It makes sense in a way. My therapist, who I find amazing, explained that for those that have no real intention to divorce, that the qualities of a spouse and affair partner do not necessarily have the same prerequisite. 4
yellowmaverick Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 No, my needs were not being met, and they were pretty simple - help with the workload a little and keep your promises. I am not a very needy person. I am hardworking, resourceful, and independent. Occasionally, my feelings got hurt when he didn't do anything for my birthday or acknowledge Mother's Day or thank me for buying Christmas gifts for his parents, but most of the time I sucked it up. He had his affair when I resented him for not helping out more when I injured my back. In fact, he screwed her for the first time just a few days after my back surgery. He left me to care for a houseful of children, even after I asked him to postpone his "business trip". He insisted he couldn't. I later learned that he didn't cancel because the OW had already purchased a plane ticket to come screw him. Even his own mother said that I did a lot more for him than he did for me. I will tell you this though - I would never in a million years have left my children behind to fly someplace to screw him if he was married to someone else and I would never have called off work a dozen times to screw him. So, I guess the OW was the better "giver" in that respect. 6
Spark1111 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 OMG, no! But I was still happy. I loved the life, the family we had built together, and because I was an adult, I just stayed calm and carried on.....with three kids, house, holidays and aging parents; first HIS and then mine. In retrospect, I was pretty lonely, so I dived into making many girlfriends, being the best mother I could be and developing civic group connections. He, of lesser esteem, became a workaholic and defined himself by what he could provide his family financially. Plus, he had something to prove to his disapproving father. I vocalized my need for more of an emotional connection and more romance, but I gave up and concentrated on doing my best with what I had. I was an adult Afterall. I gave up and that is on me. I didn't have an affair, but in all honesty, I could have. There were innuendoes from men on a few occasions but it kind of disgusted me so I shut it down. Romantically lonely....but still very committed to us and our goals. I believed once we accomplished all our responsibilities, our day would come. we have MORE TIME to devote to us. I was willing to wait. She gushed, stroked, flattered and cleared her calendar to lavish attention on him and him alone. I didn't have that luxury. Today I do so much less....and he does so much more. I have become much more selfish and he has become much more selfless. there is a noticeable shift here: It seems the less I do, the more I focus on me, Spark, the woman...the more he respects me; appreciates me, or fears losing me. I do not think this is unusual. Many a person does not appreciate what they have until it is walking out the door. He knows I do not have to stay and he treats me like a queen. I just wish it had always been this way. it should have been, ESPECIALLY when I gave and sacrificed for all for all those years. needless to say, my resentment was HUGE after DDAY. It was maybe the hardest thing I had to overcome during reconciliation. 5
underwater2010 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Sexually - No. Emotionally - Yes. Since Dday...sex has gotten better because I demand more and he is willing to give more. Emotionally is still good. But communication is better than ever!!! 4
BeingMe Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I'm a betrayed spouse and my needs were not being met. He was gradually more and more emotionally distant. I now know this was because he was hiding financial abuse and a growing porn habit for years before he strayed. If he'd been open about those things, I feel he wouldn't have distanced himself. But those things didn't fit with the image of himself that he liked to portray, so he became distant instead,because he was keeping these things from me. As time went on it got worse and worse and then it became easy for him to justify an affair to himself. My experience at the time was that I blamed myself for his distance. I kept trying to make it work. I asked him to talk to me (he wouldn't or would tell me he was fine or just stressed at work). During his affair, when it got so bad, I was more and more loving and he got worse, more grouchy, more critical. When I finally got suspicious, I told myself I was a horrible person for doubting him. It took me 9 months from getting suspicious to actually snooping and finding it all out. Now I don't pretend I'm perfect, we both had things we needed to work on. But he refused to communicate,refused to be honest because he was hiding stuff for most of our marriage. I felt lonely and disconnected for a long time. I look back and am surprised that it was him who cheated and not me. But my actual values and boundaries are clearly different from his. And thankfully my poor coping mechanisms were more like: buy a cheap thing for the house that makes you smile/eat a couple of squares of really nice chocolate/get shouty....whereas his were more like: rack up hidden debt/wank over increasingly weird porn/create dating site profiles/flirt with other women/have an affair Edited January 10, 2014 by BeingMe 2
waterwoman Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Nope. Not in the least. He had always been a bit feckless and lazy but for the first years he was very loving. In the year or so prior to Dday he wasn't even that. He wanted sex and gave me gifts as if that was enough. I had been on the point of leaving many times. 3
BetrayedH Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 No, my needs were not being met. I'm going to avoid a tirade about it. It's remarkable that I didn't cheat; as others have said, I never saw it as an option. It sure would be nice if Decorative were here. She was always so well versed at how common it is for the wayward to have been the overbenefitted partner. I also can't stand the word "needs" when it comes to this subject. "Obviously at least one person's needs weren't being met in the marriage." Barf. Needs are things like food, water, shelter, and clothing. Even when Maslow put sex on his list, it was because it's necessary for procreation. My wife and family didn't need for anything. What my wife WANTED was two different penises in her vagina each week and it appears that would have continued indefinitely had I not discovered her success at getting it. 7
Author Furious Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 No, my needs were not being met. I'm going to avoid a tirade about it. It's remarkable that I didn't cheat; as others have said, I never saw it as an option. It sure would be nice if Decorative were here. She was always so well versed at how common it is for the wayward to have been the overbenefitted partner. I also can't stand the word "needs" when it comes to this subject. "Obviously at least one person's needs weren't being met in the marriage." Barf. Needs are things like food, water, shelter, and clothing. Even when Maslow put sex on his list, it was because it's necessary for procreation. My wife and family didn't need for anything. What my wife WANTED was two different penises in her vagina each week and it appears that would have continued indefinitely had I not discovered her success at getting it. Absolutely, there's a distinction between "wants and needs" and it's ironic how some folks think it's the same thing. Yeah....it's remarkable how often the overbenefitted spouse ends up being the one to cheat. 4
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 My husband was like this...always "too tired" for anything but somehow could stay up until 3 a.m. talking to her.... No they were not being met or noted. She was always too tired for anything, not just sex, her stomach hurt, she had a rough day at work, there were many many excuses. I always felt so rejected, so then she trades way down and has an affair. She was not too tired, and she does not know why she did this and still will not admit any wrongdoing to this day. 1
yellowmaverick Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 No, my needs were not being met. I'm going to avoid a tirade about it. It's remarkable that I didn't cheat; as others have said, I never saw it as an option. It sure would be nice if Decorative were here. She was always so well versed at how common it is for the wayward to have been the overbenefitted partner. I also can't stand the word "needs" when it comes to this subject. "Obviously at least one person's needs weren't being met in the marriage." Barf. Needs are things like food, water, shelter, and clothing. Even when Maslow put sex on his list, it was because it's necessary for procreation. My wife and family didn't need for anything. What my wife WANTED was two different penises in her vagina each week and it appears that would have continued indefinitely had I not discovered her success at getting it. I agree with the whole "needs" thing. Mature people understand that marriage takes work and that no one other person can deliver 100% of what you want. Hell, if I was going to get married to get EVERYTHING I wanted, I would have married.......ME!!! 7
Confusion_Reigns Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 fBS here. No, my needs were not being met by him at that time. How could they be? He was giving her want he should have been giving me. Right? Long. Long years of this. Like this. Me going out of my way, being understanding and trying to keep this thing together…and for what? For him to keep on keeping on. Hiding inside his own self pity and anger. No, my needs were not being met then and they are not being met now. Yes, he knows what it is I am looking for from him. He says the words but the actions have never followed. So…what’s a girl to do? Try to not break. What did I learn? That I am responsible to meet my own needs. That I simply cannot but that onto someone else and expect that they have the ability…or desire…to meet my needs. I learned that I am never, ever, ever going to sit idle and wait for him…for anything. I learned that my family is important to me, providing my children with a two-parent home is higher on my list of priority’s than providing myself with internal peace. What do I need? I need for him to go to counseling and get himself in a healthier place inside so he can have internal peace…which I believe would greatly improve the state of our marriage…the whole thing, not just him but me and the kids too. Everything would improve, I think…maybe he wouldn’t be so sick all the time, maybe he wouldn’t be so angry all the time, maybe he’d want to actual go places and do things with me….that’s a whole lot of maybes… And a deeper need in me is to forgive myself for putting up with all of the past abuse. I don’t think he can really help me with that. He says he can’t so I believe he’s unwilling to try….and I suppose this just goes to show me that his need to stay hidden is bigger for him than his need to love me properly. 2
ladydesigner Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Lol this is funny right Zilch. In fact I have always been the sole supporter of the family as well as child rearer. In my sitch my needs were not being met at all, yet my WH was claiming to himself and to MOW that I was neglecting him. you cannot make this sh*t up 4
Fluttershy Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 My husband was the providor, he helped with the kids a ton. He was demonstrative and I had no major complaints. He did occasionaly struggle with depression from time to time and it was hard because I couldn't cheer him up when he was down. As for me I was too clingy and needy but he even says he didn't really mind it except he thought I'd be happier with more friends. 2
Zenstudent Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 No, my needs were not being met. I'm going to avoid a tirade about it. It's remarkable that I didn't cheat; as others have said, I never saw it as an option. It sure would be nice if Decorative were here. She was always so well versed at how common it is for the wayward to have been the overbenefitted partner. I also can't stand the word "needs" when it comes to this subject. "Obviously at least one person's needs weren't being met in the marriage." Barf. Needs are things like food, water, shelter, and clothing. Even when Maslow put sex on his list, it was because it's necessary for procreation. My wife and family didn't need for anything. What my wife WANTED was two different penises in her vagina each week and it appears that would have continued indefinitely had I not discovered her success at getting it. You took the words right out of my mouth and beat me on posting thoughts about needs versus wants. I don't subscribe to the concept of emotional needs on a core level either. Everything we want these days are labeled "needs" when they're really more like "wants". For example; wives don't "need" their husbands to cook and clean, and husbands don't "need" their wife to do oral, anal and what have we (sorry about the stereotypes and graphics). I think we're very often dealing with immature expectations unlimited, people are told they can have it all. The problem is that too few consider the costs, the fallout - they can't imagine the pain and hazzle post d-day. Tip of the day: I read the book "Three minute therapy", great concept - it's basically about replacing "I need this", or "I'll die if I can't have this" with "I would like to have this" or "It would be good to have this". Eliminates some stress and disappointment along the way. 4
Fluttershy Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I disagree, i believe people do have emotional needs that are important for thriving not just surviving. We can survive on the bare minimum but in order for us to thrive? Of course some are just wants but in a marriage you need neeeeeeed time together, communication, support, and help. You neeeeeed to know the other person has your back. If your parner works 10hr days, comes home and eats in front of the tv and doesn't lift a finger but thinks it is okay because they are providing a "lifestyle" they aren't fulfillinf basic needs in a marriage. Sex too, if sex is very important to one spouse and the other spouse, knowing this, stops giving it they are denying their spouse somethin that is important and needed for their marriage to be healthy. But if your spouse is available to, makes it clear they love you, makes love to you, and you are still denyin some illusive "need" being met. Then it is far more likely you are insatiable and need to look within to see the problem. Being honest and figuring out if your unhappiness is from within or without and taking steps to fix that. And btw, those steps should never be an affair. Children have needs beyond food. It has been shown pver and overagan that in order to thrive they need love and touch. So I would say that right their shows that love and touch is not a want but a need. 1
Zenstudent Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I disagree, i believe people do have emotional needs that are important for thriving not just surviving. We can survive on the bare minimum but in order for us to thrive? Of course some are just wants but in a marriage you need neeeeeeed time together, communication, support, and help. You neeeeeed to know the other person has your back. If your parner works 10hr days, comes home and eats in front of the tv and doesn't lift a finger but thinks it is okay because they are providing a "lifestyle" they aren't fulfillinf basic needs in a marriage. Sex too, if sex is very important to one spouse and the other spouse, knowing this, stops giving it they are denying their spouse somethin that is important and needed for their marriage to be healthy. But if your spouse is available to, makes it clear they love you, makes love to you, and you are still denyin some illusive "need" being met. Then it is far more likely you are insatiable and need to look within to see the problem. Being honest and figuring out if your unhappiness is from within or without and taking steps to fix that. And btw, those steps should never be an affair. Children have needs beyond food. It has been shown pver and overagan that in order to thrive they need love and touch. So I would say that right their shows that love and touch is not a want but a need. I can't really say that I disagree with you when you have chosen the most obvious examples - ie. touch/contact with other humans. But I think you chose to overlook the intend of my post - on purpose? I'm sure you can think of a lot of justifications for having affairs on these boards that are merely wants instead of NEEDS. I know that I have reclassified a lot of my pre-affair needs to be wants instead - I simply don't expect anything from life, wife or anything devine.
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