When Will I Get Over Him? Still Heartbroken After 5 Months

[Kaylalou]

Ok, I will try and be as brief as possible…

My ex boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 5 months ago. It came as a total shock to me, and i was and still am totally heart broken. As far as I was aware we were madly in love.

 

About a month after we broke up he started seeing another girl who he is still with after 4 months, and it seems really serious, which is also breaking my heart.

 

I found out a few months ago that he cheated on me a couple of weeks prior to the split, it was only a kiss, so I am told, but again this broke my heart. And his excuse was, that it just proved to him that he wasn't happy.

 

I have been going into a downward spiral since the split, drinking quite a lot, pushing my friends away, and to be honest, I just feel damn right depressed. I can honestly say that I have never felt this low in my life.

 

We were talking via text for quite a while after we split, nothing suggestive at all, just general chit chat, as friends would. But his now girlfriend got upset with it. And I am now treated as if I don't exist.

 

I feel so pathetic because after 5 months the only thing that makes me feel a bit more like me is a glass of wine or 2. I am sick of it.

 

I have got a job, but I hate it, and if I am not working, I am moping about the house, crying.

 

I have tried to date, but it seems I keep picking the guys that are only interested in one thing, and the last thing I want is to be used.

 

I guess I don't want my ex to be unhappy. But seeing him with his new girlfriend just makes me want to cry my eyes out every time. I feel like my life has been stollen and I have been replaced. I don't feel like I have any one to talk to, and I really don't think I have ever felt this lonely.

 

He was and still is the love of my life. I would do any thing for him. And maybe I sound pathetic, but I really felt he was my soul mate.

 

But at the same time, I know there is no going back, and I do want to move forward with my life and be happy. I even avoid so many places so that I don't bump into them, I feel like he is still controlling my emotions.

 

If any one has any advice for someone that has tried everything and anything already, and doesn't seem to be working, it would be much appreciated. And guys…. I know time heals… but I need to start feeling better soon, because I am starting to feel physically and Mentally ill with it all…

 

Any and all advice is welcome… pretty desperate!!

 

Thanks x

[mantlefan]

Your story is pretty similar to mine. I am a 24 year old guy who was in a 5 year relationship with a wonderful girl. She dumped me 5 months ago. It's complicated, but it had to do with some pent up issues (she wasn't very confrontational) as well as possibly some feelings for one of my friends (who she is now in "limbo" of dating.

 

 

We seemed really in love too. Just a month before we broke up, she messaged me when I was out from work a week sick "I miss you. This place isn't the same without you. I need you here."

 

 

I didn't push my friends away, but I did retreat from them. My ex and I tried to keep up being friends while seeing each other in person, while I sent her romantic things trying to get her back via mail. We both seemed OK with the arrangement, and a couple times she even hinted we might get back together but she needed time apart.

 

 

That all ended a month and a half ago when she told me she was no longer in love with me and never saw us getting back together. I then found out just 2 weeks ago that she went after my friend very soon after dumping me.

 

 

I am not trying to say another sad story to give you another reason to hate this world. I just want you to know that in a lot of ways, I am right there with you.

 

Now, for my advice (since I am so wise after being on here for a week )

 

Talk to your friends. Explain you never meant to burn any bridges, you just really wanted to be alone. After a 4 year RS, they should understand.

 

 

It's good you see that you aren't ready to date. This may sound harsh, but maybe the reason you are attracting jerks right now is because you have forgotten you deserve better than jerks!

 

 

Sometimes I want to throw myself in front of a train for my ex just to prove how much I love her, and that if we would just work at it and talk more, we would be better than before, even if I lost my legs from the train. But I know that I need to find out what I want and she needs to find out what she wants. And I think you will realize that if he cheated on you, he isn't what you really want. Maybe sometimes you feel like you WANT to be miserable because then you will have his memory, which is still a part of him that you can hold onto.

 

You say your life was stolen. I actually told my ex when she dumped me that I felt like she was ruining my life! I really felt that way too, because she WAS my life. I'm not saying that your mate shouldn't be a priority, but for me everything else: family, friends, faith, health, career, all were a distant second. I thought it was her and me against the world. I guess I should have read more Greek tragedies, eh?

 

 

In terms of drinking, when she dumped me, I went cold turkey for 2 months off of alcohol. Then I got back into it for a few months. Watched Drive with Ryan Gosling while wasted on vodka tonics and cried like a baby for what he did for that girl. Made me want to be my ex's hero. When I found out part of the reason that she dumped me may have been to get with my friend, I was too depressed to drink! When a couple days ago I felt like having a beer, I was on my way up again, but for you, I would keep a tally sheet of every time you wanted a glass of wine, and mark off a tally each time you don't have one. From what you describe, drinking isn't helping at all at this point, and more than a month on, it shouldn't be a crutch in my opinion.

 

 

If you want to talk at all about this (we are practically in the same boat) I would be happy to listen and offer some tips on what has helped me. Sorry for rambling.

[Mondmellonw]

To me, this sounds like a rebound.

It might appear something serious, but only time will tell.

The thing is: he replaced you. Would you forgive him for that?

He cheated on you. You say "it was only a kiss".

You deserve respect, not this.

[mantlefan]

To me, this sounds like a rebound.

It might appear something serious, but only time will tell.

The thing is: he replaced you. Would you forgive him for that?

He cheated on you. You say "it was only a kiss".

You deserve respect, not this.

 

I think eventually, it would be good for you to forgive him for what he did. But when you feel like he is your soulmate, that you would do anything for him, that's when, whether you forgive him or not, you need to be honest about what's best for you. And this guy doesn't sound like you mean that much to him. I know it hurts. I am right there with you, OK? But realizing that will help you heal. How can you heal if the knife still hasn't pierced you as much as it is going to?

 

 

Keep coming back here for support. I am so glad I found this place. Everyone I talk to in "real" life tries to relate to me with their 3 month flings that never went anywhere. My ex and I were talking about the location for the wedding and where the honeymoon would be. The thing to remember is that people aren't really all that different from each other. That's why I felt so alone until I got here. There are a lot of people on here with a story that is 3/4 exactly like yours. They (we) are here for you.

[Kaylalou]

Its good to talk to people that have been through or are going through similar situations, because a lot of the time when I talk to friends or family I feel like what I am saying to them is falling on deaf ears.

 

That really sucks that she strung you along like that for so many months to just drop you for another guy. In some ways with my ex, I feel like well how much worse can it get? I am 23, as is my ex, but his new girlfriend has only just turned 18, and I ask myself all the time, why the hell has he gone for someone so young? He was a musician, and I am a photographer, I used to do all his bands promo work and photography, but since the split, I have not been able to pick up my camera, as all it does is remind me of him. Its pathetic and it really is ruining my life.

 

I am working in a bar at the moment, and I feel so worthless working there, as I have just graduated with a Photography degree, and I am coin nothing with it at all. Mainly because I have lost all passion for a lot of the things that I used to love.

 

Like you, I saw my ex as my number one priority, and I hate that. Because I know that there are so many more important things in life. I have a couple of family members that are terminally ill, and of course it upsets me every day. But I find myself crying so much more about my ex, which then makes me feel guilty, because I know compared to what my family are going through, it shouldn't even matter.

 

I really depended on my ex, and I know that that is half of the reason I am not getting over this as quickly as i'd like. But its the now that I need help with.

 

I can go without a drink, its not like I drink every day. But I definitely drink a lot more than I ever have. And I just don't want that to become my life. Because at the moment, a lot of the time, that really is the highlight of my days.

 

I can honestly say I wish I had never met him… I don't know. I just don't see how life is fair when the one that was totally in the wrong for cheating and treating me the way he has, is so happy with life, and so In love. While I am still here totally innocent, heartbroken 5 months later. Makes me angry….

 

I am also sorry for the essay lol x

[chris21422]

The lesson that you need to learn is don't depend your happiness to your partner.

 

so if that person leaves you can be happy by your own. Also don't ever say that you wish you never met him. No regrets in life. Just lessons learned and Don't be afraid to start again.

 

Always tell yourself that you CAN change your life after a break-up. All it takes is a change of MIND. Don't be afraid to lose what wasn't meant to be. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

 

Mistakes have the power to make you better.

[mantlefan]

Yeah, I have lost a lot of interest for things I used to like. Cooking was a big one, it was something I loved doing for her and I was good at it. Now it's just something that I do so I don't starve to death lol.

 

 

I used to play a lot of video games with my brother, and board games with my mom and dad, and now it's just like chewing cotton while wearing a wool sweater. It's a really boring feeling and then I get itchy and just want to get out of it.

 

 

I am working out a lot though. That has been my big change, and my big stress reliever. I went, in 2 months, from having to draw on my best mental toughness techniques to get 1 mile in 10 minutes to getting 6 in 55:00.

 

 

Even if it seems dumb, set a goal for yourself. Maybe smile and say good morning at people 5 times more during a day than you feel like doing.

 

 

I wrestle with wondering if I wish I would have never met my ex. She opened my eyes to a lot of things. She kept me warm when it was cold, and held me when I was having a bad day. Made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. She also hurt me more than I could have believed possible.

 

 

I think you are going to find a lot of what to look for in a relationship, both the good to seek and the bad (his and yours) to avoid. It may be minimalizing or crass to say this, but at the very least, your ex was a pair of training wheels. Someday you are going to be glad to be riding the big girl bike (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER ), and you'll look back and be glad you had those training wheels, but that you are also so glad you don't still have them.

[Mondmellonw]

Its good to talk to people that have been through or are going through similar situations, because a lot of the time when I talk to friends or family I feel like what I am saying to them is falling on deaf ears.

 

That really sucks that she strung you along like that for so many months to just drop you for another guy. In some ways with my ex, I feel like well how much worse can it get? I am 23, as is my ex, but his new girlfriend has only just turned 18, and I ask myself all the time, why the hell has he gone for someone so young? He was a musician, and I am a photographer, I used to do all his bands promo work and photography, but since the split, I have not been able to pick up my camera, as all it does is remind me of him. Its pathetic and it really is ruining my life.

 

I am working in a bar at the moment, and I feel so worthless working there, as I have just graduated with a Photography degree, and I am coin nothing with it at all. Mainly because I have lost all passion for a lot of the things that I used to love.

 

Like you, I saw my ex as my number one priority, and I hate that. Because I know that there are so many more important things in life. I have a couple of family members that are terminally ill, and of course it upsets me every day. But I find myself crying so much more about my ex, which then makes me feel guilty, because I know compared to what my family are going through, it shouldn't even matter.

 

I really depended on my ex, and I know that that is half of the reason I am not getting over this as quickly as i'd like. But its the now that I need help with.

 

I can go without a drink, its not like I drink every day. But I definitely drink a lot more than I ever have. And I just don't want that to become my life. Because at the moment, a lot of the time, that really is the highlight of my days.

 

I can honestly say I wish I had never met him… I don't know. I just don't see how life is fair when the one that was totally in the wrong for cheating and treating me the way he has, is so happy with life, and so In love. While I am still here totally innocent, heartbroken 5 months later. Makes me angry….

 

I am also sorry for the essay lol x

Don't feel sorry.

We are all here for a reason.

It's been very helpful to all of us. Like you, I don't want to keep on telling my people the whole story, I don't want them to get bored about my pain.

 

I can tell you something, from a different perspective... I guess I was kind of a rebound to a guy, he was recently out from a LTR (5 years). His girl cheated on him.

Long story short: I fell hard for him but he lied and I broke up with him.

He recently slept with this ex of him and he is currently dating one of my girl friends.

 

 

 

As I said, I guess this is just a rebound, and chances are it won't last for long.

But, just think about you and your happiness. About the respect you deserve.

Work on your self esteem by now... If he is the one, he'll be there.

[Hoosfoos]

Just to let you know, I am in the same boat as you. I'm 2 months out after being dumped after 2 years by whom I considered the love of my life. All the things I used to love to do (with her) I am no longer interested in doing. I know that these are life-limiting behaviors, but the dumping stole any good feelings about the healthy pursuits I shared with my ex (playing my guitar for her, hiking, and skiing with her, etc). Like you, I feel like a part of my life has been stolen. I don't know if anything I have said can make you feel better, but I am letting you know that you are not alone with your feelings. Take care.

[Kaylalou]

Thanks guys, it really is good to know that I am not alone in these feelings, sometimes I feel like a total freak, or like there is something really wrong with me for behaving or feeling this way. I guess all I want is to feel like me again, and to get the idea out of my head that I need to be in a relationship to be happy. I guess I just feel like my life is so limited since the split. And more than any thing I want to meet new people, I just don't know how… x

[mantlefan]

Thanks guys, it really is good to know that I am not alone in these feelings, sometimes I feel like a total freak, or like there is something really wrong with me for behaving or feeling this way. I guess all I want is to feel like me again, and to get the idea out of my head that I need to be in a relationship to be happy. I guess I just feel like my life is so limited since the split. And more than any thing I want to meet new people, I just don't know how… x

I know what you mean about being a freak. I sometimes feel like a freak because I haven't gone over to my friend's house and punched him in the gut for dating my ex and not telling me about it or because I haven't keyed some nasty misogynistic words into my ex's car.

 

 

But I still care about her, and I still hope that she can be as wonderful as she used to be for me for her students. She was a born teacher, and that was one of the things I loved (love?) about her.

 

 

I hope you get back to being you too. You sound like a caring, loyal person, a giver. Someday you'll find someone who really appreciates that.

 

 

PS: Hey Ladybro! I am a people! You just met me! That's one already. Mond is pretty cool too. Baby steps, you'll get there

[EuTuBrute]

"there is something really wrong with me for behaving or feeling this way."

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

 

I'm 8 months post BU of a 2.5 year relationship..and i still feel pain

 

She was (is) the love of my life and we were perfect together

 

But sometimes life throws you curve balls, and you got to learn how to deal with them...She no longer wanted to be with me and i just have to except that. Its very hard, but everything happens for a reason (or so they say)

 

However, let me tell you this, time does heal all wounds.

 

Stay strong we are here to support you.

[Armyguy123]

I'm right there with ya. A lot of things I do don't have that same luster anymore. Drinking I think only temporarily blocks that part of my mind, its a nice escape.

 

I find myself in love and missing my ex still after 5 months.

 

Quick background;

 

-Dated for Junior and Senior year of college, both graduated and spent the summer together.

 

-I'm in the Army and found out I was got into Army Helicopter flight school. Got dumped 2 weeks later.

 

-The training will last a year and a half and will be very far away.

 

- Applied and got stationed at an Army base to be close to her. Now going there is almost torturous as if I leave the post anywhere I go outside I am fearful of running into her.

 

- She came back 2 months post break up for 2 weeks trying to reconcile, I was hesitant and when I finally believed her she pulled back again and left, 3 days before our first date together again was supposed to be, made me have to go on anti-anxiety medication for a month.

 

-Been in NC ever since and she messaged me on Christmas and started talking to me, and a week later on my birthday which I ignored. Put my head in a spin.

 

I know exactly how you feel after 5 months. It seems like this is a very slow uphill battle. Like everyone says I guess only time will tell. I'm up late just thinking about her, and I come on here sometimes to avoid reaching out. I was doing very well and even started dating again, this one girl is really into me but I know it won't work because I'm leaving soon for Flight School. Knowing that and not being as attracted to her as I thought I'd be has me thinking of my ex again, that and a 5 month dry spell doesn't help either haha.

 

NC is the only option, its all about you. Who gives a rat's ass about them. I tend to believe people on LS are truly nice people as they actively go out of their way to help others and genuinely care.

 

Stay strong!

[Kaylalou]

I've got to work today, all day and all night in the bar I work in. I don't mind too much because it does help me to take my mind off things. But as soon as I get home and I am alone again, I instantly turn back into the crumbling mess. It just makes me so angry that he is so happy and he was the one that cheated and treated me badly. Where the hell is karma right about now? I guess in a way I am jealous that he is so happy. Because I would happily move on with someone else If I could find the right person. I just don't know how... And no one seems right for me. I don't know, I just want to start enjoying life again. Sick of wallowing and crying alone in my bedroom sorry to be so down and thanks guys x

[Fufu]

Ok, I will try and be as brief as possible…

My ex boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 5 months ago. It came as a total shock to me, and i was and still am totally heart broken. As far as I was aware we were madly in love.

 

About a month after we broke up he started seeing another girl who he is still with after 4 months, and it seems really serious, which is also breaking my heart.

 

I found out a few months ago that he cheated on me a couple of weeks prior to the split, it was only a kiss, so I am told, but again this broke my heart. And his excuse was, that it just proved to him that he wasn't happy.

 

I have been going into a downward spiral since the split, drinking quite a lot, pushing my friends away, and to be honest, I just feel damn right depressed. I can honestly say that I have never felt this low in my life.

 

We were talking via text for quite a while after we split, nothing suggestive at all, just general chit chat, as friends would. But his now girlfriend got upset with it. And I am now treated as if I don't exist.

 

I feel so pathetic because after 5 months the only thing that makes me feel a bit more like me is a glass of wine or 2. I am sick of it.

 

I have got a job, but I hate it, and if I am not working, I am moping about the house, crying.

 

I have tried to date, but it seems I keep picking the guys that are only interested in one thing, and the last thing I want is to be used.

 

I guess I don't want my ex to be unhappy. But seeing him with his new girlfriend just makes me want to cry my eyes out every time. I feel like my life has been stollen and I have been replaced. I don't feel like I have any one to talk to, and I really don't think I have ever felt this lonely.

 

He was and still is the love of my life. I would do any thing for him. And maybe I sound pathetic, but I really felt he was my soul mate.

 

But at the same time, I know there is no going back, and I do want to move forward with my life and be happy. I even avoid so many places so that I don't bump into them, I feel like he is still controlling my emotions.

 

If any one has any advice for someone that has tried everything and anything already, and doesn't seem to be working, it would be much appreciated. And guys…. I know time heals… but I need to start feeling better soon, because I am starting to feel physically and Mentally ill with it all…

 

Any and all advice is welcome… pretty desperate!!

 

Thanks x

 

 

It's understandable that you are feeling what you are feeling now.

It's a 4 years relationship and no one can tell you this will heal immediately.

 

In fact, it is going to take time to heal, but you have to allow yourself to take time to heal and believe in recovering and moving on from a relationship that did not work out.

 

He used to be your bf (thought to be a soul mate), however what he did to you has proven otherwise. He has left, he broke up with you and he got himself a new gf. You do not have to put yourself in the past and date with an non-existing bf.

 

Give yourself time to grieve and then take plans and make action to move on with your life step by step. Do not rush to heal as it will backfire, but also do not linger yourself in the past and feel that you do not deserve someone new. You do deserve someone new who wants to be with you and you want to be with the new person. (Only when you are ready).

 

Do something you have not been doing for a long time when you used to be in a relationship. When you were in your relationship, what do you miss doing or feel that you do not have the time/mood to do it? Now it's the best time to do those things and make plans for yourself.

 

You are what that matters in your own life.

[redbaron005]

We were talking via text for quite a while after we split, nothing suggestive at all, just general chit chat, as friends would. But his now girlfriend got upset with it. And I am now treated as if I don't exist.

 

I feel so pathetic because after 5 months the only thing that makes me feel a bit more like me is a glass of wine or 2. I am sick of it.

 

I have got a job, but I hate it, and if I am not working, I am moping about the house, crying.

 

I understand completely. I feel like I wrote this post, except my relationship was a year-ish, so yours may hurt more. Wouldn't say I am qualified to give advice, however would like to make a few gentle suggestions:

 

A) Time for a new job, immerse yourself in the job hunt. Email companies you want to work for and ask for informational interviews. Social psychologists say purpose, autonomy, and mastery are the keys to happiness in a career. I would say anything that makes you feel alive should do the trick.

 

B) Do not treat the situation as if he is rebounding. Treat it as if he is gone for good, which it seems like you are on your way toward. Set your expectations low.

 

C) If he was your soul-mate then "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." You should not guess you want him happy, you know you want him happy. Are you happy with a depressed you? Probably not. Time to work on improving yourself for yourself.

 

D) If any new guy isn't willing to wait, he isn't worth a d***. I would know, I am a guy.