herself Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 So our EA ended around Thanksgiving. i went strict NC until day after xmas i saw an xmas greeting for me & a belated birthday wish on craigslist site and was SHOCKED. I had been so serious about moving on (after 13 yrs) and so hurt he crushed my holidays that I closed my email account & blocked phone so no way for him to reach me. After I saw his post I responded "thanks" but it reopenedf everything, and he replied he wanted time, would not like to end friendship forever, he would reach out.... I left it at that but it sent me in a tailspin of anger, deep hurt, desperate crying fits. Finally I emailed & said the window passed, the pain was to great, thatI would not be on the sidelines waiting, and that I was hurting & hitting rock bottom and that I was done for good no matter what all hope was lost etc. That was 3 days ago. I feel embarrassed now to have ended with such an emotionally charged extremely vulnerable email. I feel deep down I did it because the "time" thing bruised me. We were talking all day everyday and now its already been since Thanksgiving and you need more time for what? Been crying morning noon and night, sleep horribly and eat little. Im sick about this decision. I feel aweful we said we would be friends forever & hes already a stranger. I dont know how to go on I feel like Im living in hell. And my last words were what he will think of....that I am falling apart and losing my mind.
Speakingofwhich Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 So our EA ended around Thanksgiving. i went strict NC until day after xmas i saw an xmas greeting for me & a belated birthday wish on craigslist site and was SHOCKED. I had been so serious about moving on (after 13 yrs) and so hurt he crushed my holidays that I closed my email account & blocked phone so no way for him to reach me. After I saw his post I responded "thanks" but it reopenedf everything, and he replied he wanted time, would not like to end friendship forever, he would reach out.... I left it at that but it sent me in a tailspin of anger, deep hurt, desperate crying fits. Finally I emailed & said the window passed, the pain was to great, thatI would not be on the sidelines waiting, and that I was hurting & hitting rock bottom and that I was done for good no matter what all hope was lost etc. That was 3 days ago. I feel embarrassed now to have ended with such an emotionally charged extremely vulnerable email. I feel deep down I did it because the "time" thing bruised me. We were talking all day everyday and now its already been since Thanksgiving and you need more time for what? Been crying morning noon and night, sleep horribly and eat little. Im sick about this decision. I feel aweful we said we would be friends forever & hes already a stranger. I dont know how to go on I feel like Im living in hell. And my last words were what he will think of....that I am falling apart and losing my mind. No, Ma'am! You have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed! You said exactly what you should have said, no more, no less. You were authentic and you stood your ground! He will look back on heartfelt honest words from a strong woman and respect you for it. He is the one who should be embarrassed. Cry your heart out as you grieve. It'll help you move on. It's hard to imagine how you could be just friends after such a long A. You made a wise decision in ending it this way. Yes, you feel awful now but think about the days of freedom ahead and maybe you'll begin to smile a little! 1
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Who cares what he thinks? He knows already and has known for a long time that the friendship is unhealthy and not good for either of you, let alone his marriage. I'm sure his wife would not agree with it. And, the friendship would prevent you from letting go of him, you'd always feel love and want him, keep you into him and ruin any chance of you ever falling for another guy. Cry it out and just know that as time goes on it'll get easier. Keep busy, be around your friends and family who care about you. 1
Author herself Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Speaking of being authentic I left out the detail where I respond to his time request and say...out of that 13 years it was NOT all an EA, there was a long period of platonic friendship and times we had no innuendos and relationship stuff. It did graduate to that deeply but had we known & been able to pause and know it would mean the end of our beautiful friendship if we cut off the romance, neither of us woulda taken that route. But I digress there was at 1st a polite and really balanced reply that said, lets take our lesson, try and remember we were friends first, let go of past and anger, love our spouses better, and just be there to ssupport eachother. It was kind and sweet, forgiving....then....like 4 or 5 days later out of the clear blue I blasted him with that emotional horrible email & i feel I look like a mental case & we had just agreed gracefully on taking time. I want him back. Thats the truth. Another 180, I wont write him though & he cant write me he is blocked. Im SO sad. And STILL humiliated.
Author herself Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Who cares what he thinks? He knows already and has known for a long time that the friendship is unhealthy and not good for either of you, let alone his marriage. I'm sure his wife would not agree with it. And, the friendship would prevent you from letting go of him, you'd always feel love and want him, keep you into him and ruin any chance of you ever falling for another guy. Cry it out and just know that as time goes on it'll get easier. Keep busy, be around your friends and family who care about you. We are both HAPPILY married. Wasnt requestinf moral advice. We were friends 1st before we were married.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 We are both HAPPILY married. Wasnt requestinf moral advice. We were friends 1st before we were married. Moral advice? This advice I'd give to anybody, it's just common sense. Anyway, it still stands. Once you cross the lines a friendship can't go back to being platonic. It takes away from what you feel at home and your mind is focusing on him and not your husband. Anyway I won't reply to any more of your threads. Was just trying to help. 5
Nothisgirl Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 We are both HAPPILY married. Wasnt requestinf moral advice. We were friends 1st before we were married. I'm not here to judge, trust me, im in no position to do that! but can you explain how two "happily" married individuals end up sleeping with other people? I just don't get it. And for the record, I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about ....you should be able to tell your TRUE feelings even if those feelings change...I hope I get the balls to tell my stbxmm exactly how I feel. I think it could help with closure
Author herself Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Im sorry, nerves and feelings are raw but I believe you responded to my last thread with a right vs. wrong regarding the affair & pardon me saying but not only do the boards feel like a safe haven where we can help eachother and share honestly without judgement since many of us are isolated since we cant speak to family or friends...we know the right/wrong of it. As for me, I believe its possible to love two people and I make no apology. I wasnt sneaking into hotels or back seats (though not judging those who did) We never kissed even, we were communicating while we werent with our spouses. Even so...just could do without the lecture part. Not sure if you are or have been a victim (BS) or why you are here if you want to wag the finger.
Author herself Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 I'm not here to judge, trust me, im in no position to do that! but can you explain how two "happily" married individuals end up sleeping with other people? I just don't get it. And for the record, I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about ....you should be able to tell your TRUE feelings even if those feelings change...I hope I get the balls to tell my stbxmm exactly how I feel. I think it could help with closure It wasnt a physical affair, we were close platonic friends before we were married, as time went on after we were married, we grew closer, and hence an emotional affair.
Speakingofwhich Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 herself, I missed that it was an EA, not a PA, sorry. But, I truly don't think you were overly demonstrative! Truly. You only expressed your feelings which is a thing of beauty, nothing to be embarrassed about. I believe he will only respect you for that. 1
Snipercatt Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Herself do you not consider phone sex, risque conversations, sexts, etc. A physical affair?
Author herself Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Herself do you not consider phone sex, risque conversations, sexts, etc. A physical affair? Personally I consider physical contact and actual sex a PA but Im not under any illusion an EA is any less morally wrong than PA or less serious actually studies say it can be far more damaging. I was just indicating we werent stealing time from our homes to meet up for sex. Thats all. Yes, it was INTENSE. And meant a tremendous amount to me right or wrong.
Snipercatt Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I'm not asking you because of the moral issue. Even though you don't consider phone sex and sexting, etc as a PA, they have the same affect as a sexually physical affair. The same hooks into our psyche, etc. I think it would help you to understand why you are so devastated by the end of this A if you did some research on both the emotional and physical components. Otherwise I think you set yourself up for not understanding the phases of withdrawal. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 I know I said I wasn't going to reply to your thread but I'll leave you with this. As for me, I believe its possible to love two people and I make no apology. Could you look your husband in the eyes and admit this to him? Just think for a minute how you would feel if the situation was reversed. Again I am not judging you or giving you morale speech, just trying to get you to think outside of the box and be a bit more objective. Just because I'm not agreeing with you doesn't mean you can't just think about stuff with an open mind.
Author herself Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I guess what I was hoping for with reaching out is any sort of support, relating, comfort, shared experiences or even some thoughts on what might have happened. The extra commentary is just beside the point right now, Im just really low, as I said embarrased and just wanted to share a bit of my story. I will research the relevant physical components of withdrawal, thank u for that. Mainly if you have to lose a friend of 13 yrs under any circumstance its aweful. Time wasted, memories are gonna grow gray and I mainly feel like I tarnished the healthy way it could have ended by sounding like a basketcase, a mental case. In the end the rejection of his silence instead of maybe talking it through somehow killed me. It ended because we had words, and friends fight, and I thought it was too small to wreck everything. Its just not the way I saw everything ending. We were really nice to eachother always. Had many conversations other than sex. It was pretty joyful & I dont wanna get stuck in silly nostalgia, i wanna face reality. Just wish in addition to the sadness that I wasnt also dealing with humiliation.
wanting more Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Do you really think With the way you're feeling now you could ever really go back to platonic friends? You obviously have deep feelings for him. How would you be able to be a better spouse, yet still support him?
Author herself Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I think it just comes down to having a hard time letting go. I felt that friendship was a private corner of my world that contributed to happiness and when I was happy, I came home smiling, had more affection, confidence, etc. I realized I just have been feeling abandoned & rejected when he left our friendship and Im lerting go and that process hurts very much. In any relationship, where you were once loved and valued and a person showed you and told you daily, then it stops, you feel real bad to no longer be held in that light. Also we all WANT to believe we can be platonic friends and theres a real chance I cannot as secretly I might hope for that tiny spark of "I miss her & what we had" And the thing is I realize this, realize its better for 100% moving on without any lines of contact which is why I took bold steps to block any and all means of contact. But that doesnt mean I can instantly cut off every feeling and hope and be cold. I felt it was a positive in my life and added to my life. Its gone now & Im trying to make peace with that as it was well over a decade of memories to put behind me.
Snipercatt Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 But that doesnt mean I can instantly cut off every feeling and hope and be cold. And that's the deal. Most of us aren't built to be able to turn it off like a spigot. There was a time when the word "time" was a four letter word for me. I HATED hearing it. Like you, I knew it would take time I just wanted to accelerate the process and get away from the pain. One thing that helped was I filled my calendar with classes, volunteering, and hobbies, to the point I'd hit the bed exhausted. I needed to saturate my time with activities, otherwise I sat with circular thoughts that only helped to make me feel worse. Doing things that required time and energy, and contact with others, served the purpose of keeping those hounding feelings at bay. You have begun the process of blocking contact, now is the time to give thought to what you will do next that will aid you in moving on.
blue963 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Really i think if you were friends for that long he would be able to see why it was emotional and the relationship will not be tarnished.
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