Better or worse...I don't know

[confusedandhurt2002]

I just found a fairly recent photo of the woman my husband cheated with. Last year I was close to 200 lbs and on my frame that's not good. I changed my diet for health reasons, not to lose weight, and I dropped 50 lbs. The short version of my story is I am NOT slamming overweight people. Prior to last year I was one! But this woman is not only heavy -- she is morbidly obese. OK. I actually was too for my height in regards to my weight.

 

So WHY WHY WHY does it bother me so much he slept with this 300 lb woman over me. Shouldn't I feel worse if she had been a 100lb little hottie.? I guess the hard thing for me is not just her appearance but how trashy she and her family are and yet I was so bad he chose her over me ... at least for 10 months. I know he is here now. I know he "woke up"...so why do I continue to let this bother me?

 

It is really completely shallow of me and stupid to think I was a better choice than her because I was 100 lbs lighter. Sometimes I wonder if I should even keep losing the weight. Maybe he only prefers heavy girls and here I am losing weight for my health and to feel better. Eh...I guess if that is the case he'll have to leave me because I want to be healthy again!

 

I don't really know what I'm saying other than it's made me realize I have a lot to work on when it comes to tolerance and that I am judging her based on weight as much as I am on her morals and that is WRONG. I wish i didn't do that.

[cozycottagelg]

I haven't been in your situation, but I am pretty sure I would feel the exact same way. Though admittedly I'd probably feel very superior because I weighed less. It sounds so crappy when I type that out. Women are so....I don't know, catty .. myself included. Weight is just such a huge issue in society, you can't really escape it. I think your feelings are completely normal.

[yellowmaverick]

I haven't been in your situation, but I am pretty sure I would feel the exact same way. Though admittedly I'd probably feel very superior because I weighed less. It sounds so crappy when I type that out. Women are so....I don't know, catty .. myself included. Weight is just such a huge issue in society, you can't really escape it. I think your feelings are completely normal.

 

I can understand how you feel. My STBXH's mistress is not very attractive as well. She is not nice or accomplished. Even my H says that she is not the kind of woman he would ever marry. So why? Because he could. Because she was available.

 

TBH, though, I can't say that I would feel any better if he had cheated with someone who was physically beautiful and successful.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Yes! I feel catty! Like I briefly have these thoughts that I'm superior than her!I think it is what society tells us -- that skinny people are superior. How screwed up is that??! I don't really feel that way, but it pops into my head. It makes me mad at myself!

 

I guess I am glad she wasn't some cute little thing,not that any of this is easy or her being heavier than me makes it all "OK." She obviously had something I didn't at the time...or gave him something I couldn't. It couldn't been that great because he fell apart around the time I found out and said he wanted to kill himself after all this. I guess if she ever said anything to me I could say 'yeah...sleeping with you made him want to kill himself and he actually threw up when I pushed him on more details."

HE can't even talk about it now.

 

He turns pale and the one time he hyperventilated. NO, i am not saying because she was overweight, because, again, so was I..I'm saying I think he is disgusted by what he's done. Putting it in writing doesn't paint a great picture but if anyone had seen him in that condition.....the one night I almost called an ambulance.

 

I was terrified he was going to have a stroke or heart attack.Yeah..that's how "in love" he was with her....*eye roll*

 

I haven't been in your situation, but I am pretty sure I would feel the exact same way. Though admittedly I'd probably feel very superior because I weighed less. It sounds so crappy when I type that out. Women are so....I don't know, catty .. myself included. Weight is just such a huge issue in society, you can't really escape it. I think your feelings are completely normal.

[RightThere]

All of the guys my STBXW slept with were huge downgrades. I really wanted to believe that maybe I was jealous or I was missing something great about them. But they were all huge losers.

 

People almost always cheat down. And it's not anything to you with you. It's them. By cheating with a fatty loser, the WS now feels like the cooler/better one in that relationship. They can look down on their OM/OW and in doing so, feel better about themselves.

 

Also the OM/OW is usually in a more insecure place so they shower the WS with words of affimation, gifts, anything to keep this "catch" on the line. They know they could never do better, and the WS knows this as well.

 

The initial reaction is to think you are somehow down or below their level. But in truth, it has so little to do with you and so much more to do with the two of them.

[BetrayedH]

I always find it interesting, the little quirks about our particular situations that "hurt the most" and such.

 

If the OW was ugly, he must've really wanted away from me.

If she was pretty, he'll always want her more.

 

If he took off his wedding ring, it's like he threw me away.

If he kept his ring on, he really disrespected the marriage.

 

If he told her he loved her, I can never get over it.

If it was just about sex, he threw me away for just a roll in the hay.

 

Some can't get over a ONS because they were discarded for nothing.

Others say they could handle a drunken ONS but not a LTA.

 

Some lament that they can't compete with the fantasy of an EA.

Others can't handle the images of a PA.

 

No matter how you slice it, it sucks.

 

The one thing I see consistently is the hurt from the lies, deception, and betrayal. I often think that the odds of R are so much better when accompanied by a confession and real honesty after Dday.

 

But just this week a poster lamented about her truly remorseful wayward H when he had stopped the affair immediately on Dday, she saw his voluntary NC message (before he even told her about it), he made a full confession (which she was able to verify), and he never TT'd her. For months, he'd been doing everything textbook as a truly remorseful WS. I'm thinking, wow, lucky her - they'll probably reconcile just fine. But, the affair was 15 YEARS.

 

All that said, if anyone knows what my point is, please let me know.

[confusedandhurt2002]

My husband made me drag it out of him and TT'd for a month, but now he's doing everything he can. Yeah...i don't know either...it's all freaking mess....

I always find it interesting, the little quirks about our particular situations that "hurt the most" and such.

 

If the OW was ugly, he must've really wanted away from me.

If she was pretty, he'll always want her more.

 

If he took off his wedding ring, it's like he threw me away.

If he kept his ring on, he really disrespected the marriage.

 

If he told her he loved her, I can never get over it.

If it was just about sex, he threw me away for just a roll in the hay.

 

Some can't get over a ONS because they were discarded for nothing.

Others say they could handle a drunken ONS but not a LTA.

 

Some lament that they can't compete with the fantasy of an EA.

Others can't handle the images of a PA.

 

No matter how you slice it, it sucks.

 

The one thing I see consistently is the hurt from the lies, deception, and betrayal. I often think that the odds of R are so much better when accompanied by a confession and real honesty after Dday.

 

But just this week a poster lamented about her truly remorseful wayward H when he had stopped the affair immediately on Dday, she saw his voluntary NC message (before he even told her about it), he made a full confession (which she was able to verify), and he never TT'd her. For months, he'd been doing everything textbook as a truly remorseful WS. I'm thinking, wow, lucky her - they'll probably reconcile just fine. But, the affair was 15 YEARS.

 

All that said, if anyone knows what my point is, please let me know.

[BetrayedH]

My husband made me drag it out of him and TT'd for a month, but now he's doing everything he can. Yeah...i don't know either...it's all freaking mess....

 

Maybe that was my point. If she wasn't too fat, she'd have been too skinny. No matter how you slice it, affairs suck six ways from Sunday. Even if you get a truly honest confession and no TT (which like, never happens) you get handed a 15 year affair to get over. There's no winning. "It's a freakin' mess" is right.