thinkingofhim Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 ...would you still have started the A? On good days I still think I would, but I'm starting to think it would have been better to say H*LL NO! I still have hopes that things will turn out for the best, but I think LS has made me much more cynical about my MM. Probably for the best, ha. I thought I was good at guarding my heart, but I'm starting to think I'm a fool.
Author thinkingofhim Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Unequivocally NO. Hands down. No question I hope I can get to this level of resolve one way or another
solostand Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Both my ap and I say NO!!!!!! We had this conversation after we realized we had fallen in love. That wasn't in the plans, but it happened. So many people to get hurt, including us. 1
MuddyFootprints Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I hope I can get to this level of resolve one way or another You will. Keep reading. Keep posting. Keep thinking. 1
MissBee Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) Hmmm.... I think for me, the A was a good learning experience. It was something I did while young and when it didn't negatively impact my life that much. I almost feel like I'm glad I got it "out of the way" then so I can have the knowledge it gave me to proceed with my life without falling into that trap again. So in that sense I would do it over for those lessons. For me it's more so, knowing what I know now, I will avoid an A in the future. Looking at a friend of mine who is 10 years older than I am and women here who are also older than I am, but who also want marriage, children, a future with the MM and year after year are getting older and still waiting, I am happy I am not in that position. It seems more critical and more like a waste when you're giving a MM the prime of your life. I was a young bud so to speak so by time the A was over I didn't waste any critical years. Edited January 9, 2014 by MissBee 2
MuddyFootprints Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I did come out stronger and more confident as a result and will admit that I learned a lot. And while I considered it more than just a good thing at the time, I can't necessarily describe it as a "good" learning experience in the long run.
BruisedBNBroken Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Absolutely positively without a doubt he** NO! I regret it every single day. Every aspect, every feeling, every interaction, every everything. If I could only turn back time and erase the day it went from casual work acquaintances to more. I remember it vividly. I remember making the stupid decision that forever changed me. So, NO!!!! 1
bentleychic Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 We have both said that we would not do it again if we knew then what we know now because it has hurt me so much. He hates seeing me hurting and I don't enjoy that part of it either. However, if we end up together in the end, I think it will have been worth it. It's just been way harder than either of us anticipated as far as that goes. So part of me wants to say no, I wouldn't do it, but at the same time, I do love him very much and I don't regret that a bit. He's my best friend. I cannot imagine a day not talking to him in some form or another.
LeftAlone83 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Hello, So.. I have been in an ongoing A for a little over a year. Much like the other stories I have read here, I met someone and was completely swept off my feet from the moment we spoke. It was an instantaneous connection.. and chemistry. Over the next few months, I found myself corresponding with him.. seeing him.. and falling for him more and more every day. After 3 months of this type of flirtation, and adoration for one another.. we made the decision to take it to the physical step. I had my reservations.. since I had never been with a MM, and I had never crossed that line. (I was raised very religious) And knowing it was wrong.. I still went ahead and did it. I couldn't control my desire for him.. despite the obvious consequences of my actions. The physical chemistry was just as amazing as the personal chemistry.. having completely caught both of us off guard. It was nothing like either of us had ever experienced before. Over the next several months.. things only got deeper and deeper. We even progressed to saying "I Love You" on a very regular basis, and speaking to each other every day. Recently.. my MM decided to call off our relationship, after both of us had gone back and forth, breaking up and making up several times. He has children, and he didn't want to chance hurting them.. and I respected his decision. Of course, the contact continued for a few more days. Because I was completely heart broken.. my friends decided to come over and cheer me up. I had been lying to them for over a year.. even using another man's name/face so that I could share my experiences with them about my MM without outing the identity of who I was really with. (Stupid, I know) The day after that.. my best friend urged me to tell them the truth. I decided I couldn't lie to them anymore.. I came clean to all 4 of my closest friends. This infuriated my MM.. as well as them. Him for telling them the truth, and them for lying and deceiving them for so long. So far.. they have all shunned and turned their backs on me. I am completely broken in every way a woman could be right now.. with no one to turn to. I came here seeking out ways to try and purge the amount of pain I'm in.. the amount of loneliness I feel.. because it's an insurmountable amount at the moment. I like to believe that I'm not a bad person.. though I've definitely made many bad decisions, and done a bad thing by cheating with this MM. I believe he loved me.. and fell desperately in love with him. And because of that.. I'm currently left with nothing in my life.
Mycatsnuggles Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Wow, I am sorry your friends have reacted this way to you. Are they married? Perhaps they feel threatened in their own relationships. Do they know your ex? This is a difficult time for you and I am sorry your friends reacted so hard on you. Honestly this is why you shouldn't share this information with others. Even here on th ow site you receive judgement. I can understand his reaction, he's afraid of being outed leave him alone and work on yourself. Maybe you could contact one of these woman and talk with her. Explain you know the relationship was wrong and that's why you ended it. Take it a day at a time. Hugs.
Mycatsnuggles Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Yes. I'm glad he came into my life. One day I will be an old lady in a wheel chair with a secret smile as I recall my love affair. I would have regretted never feeling the passion and emotions that I have shared with him.
Nothisgirl Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 We have both said that we would not do it again if we knew then what we know now because it has hurt me so much. He hates seeing me hurting and I don't enjoy that part of it either. However, if we end up together in the end, I think it will have been worth it. It's just been way harder than either of us anticipated as far as that goes. So part of me wants to say no, I wouldn't do it, but at the same time, I do love him very much and I don't regret that a bit. He's my best friend. I cannot imagine a day not talking to him in some form or another. I used to feel exactly like this. And then I found out he lied to me and now its like I'm. Coming out of the "fog" and realizing that all the crap he spewed about it killing him that I am in pain was just his way to manipulate me to stay, to wait, to hold on...I mean I genuinely think he thought he felt that way but the reality is that if he really did he'd have found a way to leave his "loveless" marriage and stop both our hurting. Truth of the matter was that I made his less than outstanding marriage tolerable I'm not saying this is the same in your situation, simply that I totally get where your coming from .. And I almost miss feeling like that. 1
MissBee Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I used to feel exactly like this. And then I found out he lied to me and now its like I'm. Coming out of the "fog" and realizing that all the crap he spewed about it killing him that I am in pain was just his way to manipulate me to stay, to wait, to hold on...I mean I genuinely think he thought he felt that way but the reality is that if he really did he'd have found a way to leave his "loveless" marriage and stop both our hurting. Truth of the matter was that I made his less than outstanding marriage tolerable I'm not saying this is the same in your situation, simply that I totally get where your coming from .. And I almost miss feeling like that. I too can relate. But it was lip service. My exAP would go on and on about how much he tried to protect me and how he hated that it was hurting me blah blah. It wasn't that he was lying, it was that he wished it didn't hurt me but it still was and he wasn't going to do anything different sooo what did it matter? He also pulled this out when we argued to make it seem like HE was the good guy in all of this and was doing all he could for everyone and then he would try to manipulate me by saying "Fine..I'll leave you alone then since all I do is hurt you" . That was such a jerk move! 2
sunburned Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Regrets all the way around. Wish I could take a mulligan! LeftAlone83, might I suggest you start a new thread? I'm sorry you are hurting -- you will get some valuable support and advice if you make a new post. Welcome to LS.
Nothisgirl Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I too can relate. But it was lip service. My exAP would go on and on about how much he tried to protect me and how he hated that it was hurting me blah blah. It wasn't that he was lying, it was that he wished it didn't hurt me but it still was and he wasn't going to do anything different sooo what did it matter? He also pulled this out when we argued to make it seem like HE was the good guy in all of this and was doing all he could for everyone and then he would try to manipulate me by saying "Fine..I'll leave you alone then since all I do is hurt you" . That was such a jerk move! WHOA. Sounds just like my mm. Exactly..or how about "I don't want to lose you, you're my soulmate, but if you need me to leave you alone I will" or "the fact that you're hurting kills me and I'm in more pain than you can imagine" jerks But you're exact right..they recognize the pain they're causing and they don't like that however their selfish desires are more important and they aren't going to make any actual changes 3
GatsbyMH Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I wouldn't change it despite all the pain that comes with it, for myself and for the others involved. I never had been in love until now. I wouldn't change that. I will say though that I will NEVER fall into this again. She and I both agree that it's way too painful. Can't change the past and I wouldn't. She's the love of my life. I will never ever consider cheating again. Ever. The pain is the worst thing I've ever felt. Ever.
LeftAlone83 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Wow, I am sorry your friends have reacted this way to you. Are they married? Perhaps they feel threatened in their own relationships. Do they know your ex? None of my friends are married.. and yes.. they know my XMM. They're reeling from the initial shock of me being with a MM in the first place (they never would have believed I'd do it) as well as the fact that I used another person's name/face while telling the stories about my MM. At the time.. it seemed like the easiest solution to keep from outing the true identity of my MM, but be able to share all the happy moments I was experiencing with him. Of course I can understand how upset they must feel for being lied to, and deceived for over a year. Especially when each of them invested time in trying to see me through the ups and downs of the relationship.. believing it was another person the whole time.
bentleychic Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I wouldn't change it despite all the pain that comes with it, for myself and for the others involved. I never had been in love until now. I wouldn't change that. I will say though that I will NEVER fall into this again. She and I both agree that it's way too painful. Can't change the past and I wouldn't. She's the love of my life. I will never ever consider cheating again. Ever. The pain is the worst thing I've ever felt. Ever. Wish you'd posted before me so I could just ditto it. LOL (Except for the cheating part. I haven't.) As to the other comments on my post, we all make our choices with what we are living. You guys did. I will as well. Until he proves to me otherwise, I do believe that he loves me and that the situation is going as he has told me. If a time comes that I no longer believe that he's being genuine with me, I will walk away. Maybe I'll get majorly hurt in the end with it ending differently than I anticipate and you guys can all tell me that you told me so, but I'm not going to end it right now based on that "what if". 1
Daisy2013 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Yes. I'm glad he came into my life. One day I will be an old lady in a wheel chair with a secret smile as I recall my love affair. I would have regretted never feeling the passion and emotions that I have shared with him. This is the way I feel as well. I will always carry the memory and know I got to experience what I feel was love. Especially at a time that was so dark and empty in my life. He brightened it for a season. I'm thankful I will die knowing what true intimacy and saturation of the mind, body and soul is like. I'd always wondered. 2
Learningtoletgo Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Because I didn't have a d-day, there are times when I think that feeling the sexual connection I did was worth the affair. I mean, I'm only getting older and no man is ever going to want me like that again...right? But then I snap back to reality and realize what I could have lost. I am also dealing with crazy guilt, fear that I may one day run into him, or worse that my SO might meet him (because we do live in a place where that is totally possible. Plus he only lives 10 minutes away...wtf was I thinking) Im about 5 months nc, and every time my phone rings, I'm afraid that it could be the bs, even though it's highly likely. So basically, I live in an anxious state. The worst part is that I am still battling on whether to tell my SO....one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. The only good thing that really came out of it is that I began IC which is something I wouldn't have done if it wasn't for the affair, even though I should have. So overall, no, I wouldn't do it again. Having an affair iis exciting and intense when u r in it, but it is also is the most chaotic, anxious, insane, fear inducing thing I've probably every done.
Nothisgirl Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Wish you'd posted before me so I could just ditto it. LOL (Except for the cheating part. I haven't.) As to the other comments on my post, we all make our choices with what we are living. You guys did. I will as well. Until he proves to me otherwise, I do believe that he loves me and that the situation is going as he has told me. If a time comes that I no longer believe that he's being genuine with me, I will walk away. Maybe I'll get majorly hurt in the end with it ending differently than I anticipate and you guys can all tell me that you told me so, but I'm not going to end it right now based on that "what if". I'll never tell you " told you so" .. Truly wasn't being judgemental and I hope everything turns out how you want it to. As I said I can really relate and felt the exact same except my mm ended up not being completely honest which is why (or one of the reasons) I'm choosing to walk away but I hope your situation turns out so much differently. I really meAn that Bentleychic
wanting more Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 For me I still have lots of guilt about the hurt I caused. But I had resigned myself to the fact that I would stay with my xBSO until our youngest was in college (6 years from now). He knew I didn't love him. He knew I was I only staying until my baby left. We had separated before, he changed ( or so I thought) we got back together and things went back to the way they were. 20 years of this (I was very naive thinking we'd work out). When my A started I had 2 seperate lives. The financially responsible, taxi, maid, cook, mom who did it all with no help. Then I had the fun, carefree, happy A side of me. I was happier At home too. Had 2 d-days with xMM BW and them 1 with my xBSO. horrible unbearable months because of the d-days. I have come out stronger and wiser. I'm now alone with my kids and loving it. My kids are happier because no more arguments in the home. Do I regret my A?? I regret the hurt I caused. I regret that I gave my heart to xMM and it was a joke to him. I regret that my kids found out about my A in a very ugly way. I wish I would've had the strength to seperate and stay separated without it all crashing down because of the A. But I know I'll neve be involved in an A again. Not worth the hurt. 1
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