Got dumped in my LDR, what's next? Can we re-kindle our love?

[Zhang]

So a little about the relationship. We met 3 years ago on a double blind date. She was visiting from abroad (Colombia) and spending the summer with family friends in my home town for 3 months. We instantly connected and started dating. We were inseparable and enjoying our love to its fullest potential with the time we had together. Now when I look back it all happened so fast, but isn't that usually how love works.

 

After our initial 3 months together, she invited me to travel around Colombia with her and attend her graduation. So for the next month we visited sites and cities, and had an amazing trip together. I got to meet her family and everything seemed perfect. After my trip, we decided that we had something special and that we would work to maintain it long distance. Her plan was to find a job after graduating, and I convinced her that she should come look for work in the States. Not long after (2-3 months), she decided to take 2 months off and live with me at my parents house. This two months would be dedicated towards her completing the GMAT and looking for work. Unfortunately, with little job experience it was hard to find a job that was willing to sponsor her.

 

From this point on our only avenue of seeing each other was taking trips back and forth (every 2-4 months). Even with the distance, we seemed to be very strong. Talking everyday, sending pics, skyping, playing games online, all the things your'd need to keep the relationship healthy. Eventually she found a job and her schedule became more strenuous. We both have younger sisters who are the same age, and coincidentally were doing an exchange year in Paris at the same time. They became close, something both of us thought was amazing. We planned a trip to visit them in Paris for a week. Our relationship only seems to get stronger.

 

Obviously, we discussed the future and things we needed to do to end up in the same city. She showed interest in eventually moving to my city since there is no opportunity for me in Colombia. We discussed careers, even the marriage option to make it work. Meanwhile I'm trying to start my business as a realtor (which was difficult in the 1st year and a cause for some frustrations towards me).

 

Let me fast forward to 3 months ago. I decided to buy an engagement ring and surprise her in Colombia with the idea of proposing a civil union. We had discussed this option and she showed signs of intent. One thing to keep in mind is I had just started at a new brokerage in a new attempt to being a successful realtor. I still live with my parents (I'm 26), but its allowed me to save the money I've made. The proposition was a little off. I spoke my heart and told her how much she and us meant to me. And that I was willing to do anything to make it work for us. This happened the night before I was headed back to the US. She was so surprised by this and later I find out confused. In retrospect, this may have started the decline of our relationship. I was frustrated because I hadn't been able to become financial stable yet, but I wanted our relationship to meet the timelines we had set. So maybe this engagement was a little forced and pre-mature.

 

The last 2 months were a little strange. My ex was working 12 hour days. She doesn't have many friends or hobbies. Her life was dedicated to her work. She wasn't as loving as before and our conversations were lacking substance. To be fair, I probably wasn't always there and as supportive towards improving that either. I could sense things weren't the same, but my assumption was that her work was just draining her. One month ago she told me that she spent a lot of time with another guy at her best friends wedding. She told me that they talked and danced a lot, and that's it. I believe her because we are both very loyal and she's not the kind of girl to cheat, especially since all her friends know she is in a relationship. This was hurtful and she admitted that something was wrong with her, because that type of behavior was very unlike her.

 

So in an attempt to re-kindle things and smooth things over, this Christmas i went and spent 2 weeks in Colombia. Initially I could tell something was a little off. We weren't intimate and close the same way as before. She would make lots of excuses and complain to avoid certain activities. Then we spent 1 week with her family. Everyone in her family really seems to like me and support us. But we were inconsistent, some days were great some days were n't as great. It seemed like i was the one putting all the effort to make things work. She has trouble expressing her feelings and being truthful about things, while I like to take a head on approach. I could sense that maybe she needed some time and that maybe it could be useful for me to. So 3 days prior to me returning to the US, I suggested we take a break and that it would be healthy for us. She instantly seemed so much happier and the rest of my time there was when we bonded the best.

 

However, as soon as I got back to the States I felt confused. Because I soon realized I didn't want a break. And what upset me was that I proposed it when clearly she was the one that needed it. So one week into not talking, I message her on FB and she calls me instantly. I apologize for not respecting the break but I had to vent my confusion. That week off was very telling for me, it reaffirmed that I missed her and would do anything to make it work. Unfortunately, she needed more time. This month is very important for me as far as career decision goes. I told her I wanted her to be a part of that since we are a team, but she said she wants me to decide for me. I told her the break wasn't working out for me because it was affecting my work and days. So she said, this may sound really harsh but maybe we should break up. She suggested that we could also take a break until February. But I told her it was her decision. She decided to break up. She said she still loves me and knows she risks losing me forever. She told me that one day she might have to come back and chase after me. I don't know if she is patronizing me, trying to make me feel better, or if there is a genuine chance of us getting back together in the future. Maybe had I respected the break we could have figured things out.

 

I'm in a lot of pain right now. She acknowledged that our relationship was so special to her and that I was perfect. That I was everything she could ask for in a man. Of course hearing that only makes it more confusing for me. But she said that she couldn't reciprocate the amount of love and affection that I was showing, and that it wouldn't be fair to me. She told me she didn't want to remove pics from her facebook. I'm an emotional wreck. What can I do to cope with this break-up? Is there hope of us re-kindling our love one day? When can I expect her to reach out to me?

[justwhoiam]

Initially I could tell something was a little off. We weren't intimate and close the same way as before.

Does that mean no sex?

 

She would make lots of excuses and complain to avoid certain activities.

I have no idea what that means. What kind of activities? Do you mean she started disliking what she used to like doing?

 

I like to take a head on approach. I could sense that maybe she needed some time and that maybe it could be useful for me to. So 3 days prior to me returning to the US, I suggested we take a break and that it would be healthy for us. She instantly seemed so much happier and the rest of my time there was when we bonded the best.

This would be a head-on approach? Sorry, but I don't think so. A head-on approach would have been you sit down with her and tell her something seems off and you need to know what's wrong. And talk until when you get to know the truth. While you offered a break from her, for a healthier relationship(?!). And suddenly she was on cloud nine. And you were happy she was happy. I wouldn't know where to start, should I talk about what's wrong here.

 

She suggested that we could also take a break until February.

I have no sure elements to tell why she wanted to break up, but it could be she's not in love with you anymore (but that doesn't usually happen overnight), another guy may be in the picture now, or she didn't feel like moving to the US any time soon, or there were things of you she couldn't stand anymore, or who knows what.

 

She told me that one day she might have to come back and chase after me.

I guess if a girl is saying that, it's really over. The way she mentions a point (far) in the future... it'd mean: one day I might regret my current decision, but I will only realize about that once I've tried other things first.

 

She acknowledged that our relationship was so special to her and that I was perfect.

Perfect, but not perfect for her. Otherwise she wouldn't have wanted to break up with you. You took action with a break, instead of trying to understand what was wrong and see if it could be solved.

 

she said that she couldn't reciprocate the amount of love and affection that I was showing

So this is the reason why she didn't feel like being with you? I find it odd. Even more so because it comes from a girl. I guess there's more to it that she didn't say.

 

What can I do to cope with this break-up?

Put a lot of energy into your work. Go out with friends as much as possible. Get to know new people. Meet up with new friends. Avoid South America, for the time being. Avoid places that remind you of her until when you're over her for good.

 

Is there hope of us re-kindling our love one day?

If she's being honest with you, it sounds like she's not in love with you anymore. Unless she's hiding something or thinking you need something different that's not her. But I'd be more inclined to think she doesn't want to be with you anymore. And you need to move on.

 

When can I expect her to reach out to me?

Live your life and don't wait for her. She's moving on with her life and you should too.

[Zhang]

"Does that mean sex? I have no idea what that means. What kind of activities? Do you mean she started disliking what she used to like doing?"

 

Yes it means sex. I'm sure like most long distance relationships, whenever we'd finally see each other again we'd make lots of love. However, this trip it was hard to initiate. First she complained about my beard hurting her and being too long. Then her knee started to hurt and could barely bend it. However, once we talked about the break, best lovemaking maybe ever.

 

"This would be a head-on approach? Sorry, but I don't think so. A head-on approach would have been you sit down with her and tell her something seems off and you need to know what's wrong. And talk until when you get to know the truth. While you offered a break from her, for a healthier relationship(?!). And suddenly she was on cloud nine. And you were happy she was happy. I wouldn't know where to start, should I talk about what's wrong here."

 

We did sit down and I expressed my feelings a couple times when I was there during Christmas. Usually it would be late at night before bed and she would get upset that I decided to bring it up then. She would seek excuses not to discuss our problems. Because she simply didn't really know how she felt or didn't want to tell me. I'm a very affectionate person, and maybe me showering her with affection lets her know that i will always be there for me. Whenever I'd consciously step away for a bit, I would find her in need of my affection.

 

"I have no sure elements to tell why she wanted to break up, but it could be she's not in love with you anymore (but that doesn't usually happen overnight), another guy may be in the picture now, or she didn't feel like moving to the US any time soon, or there were things of you she couldn't stand anymore, or who knows what."

 

Its confusing because before we said our goodbyes from breakup she said I love you. And when I was on the plane back to the States I saw she posted a picture of us on facebook saying Love you Forever. Maybe she loves me but is not longer in love with me. She mentioned that she was unsure about life in the US. That at one point she wanted it but started having doubts especially as she kept advancing with her job.

 

"I guess if a girl is saying that, it's really over. The way she mentions a point (far) in the future... it'd mean: one day I might regret my current decision, but I will only realize about that once I've tried other things first."

 

I don't understand why she would even say that. Remember that she originally just wanted a break, maybe she needs some time to realize that she misses me.

 

"Perfect, but not perfect for her. Otherwise she wouldn't have wanted to break up with you. You took action with a break, instead of trying to understand what was wrong and see if it could be solved."

 

I did try and understand what was wrong. That was the whole point of my trip to Colombia. When things weren't going too smoothly on my trip I would sit and talk to her to try and brainstorm what has changed. I was always the one expressing my feelings and concerns. But she did not seem comfortable doing the same. Do you think this could just be bad timing for us?

 

"So this is the reason why she didn't feel like being with you? I find it odd. Even more so because it comes from a girl. I guess there's more to it that she didn't say."

 

I know right? Things were off for a couple months but I never felt like she was no longer capable of showing me love. She never gave me one clear reason, just lots of things that she perceived to be happening. Maybe she's as confused as I am.

 

"If she's being honest with you, it sounds like she's not in love with you anymore. Unless she's hiding something or thinking you need something different that's not her. But I'd be more inclined to think she doesn't want to be with you anymore. And you need to move on."

 

I part of me knows that I need to move on and not even worry about whether she loves me or not, because its over. But I know deep inside that she does love me. I think its more likely that our relationship didn't meet her expectations.

[OnlyHonesty]

I think you have placed this girl on a pedestal and bought into the common myth about all women being like princesses. You opened your heart, proposed, showed lots of affection but you did not get the results you wanted. It is quite possible that your ex gf is confused herself, wondering why she doesn't feel the way she should about this nice man who is proposing, treating her well and flying out to meet her but it's not confusing to me.

 

None of what you write is a mystery to me and all of it makes sense but it's unlikely my full explanation will bring anything but anger, denial, confusion or all three. I will say this though, you are very naive to think that she only danced close with this guy and you have made other incorrect assumptions about her, your actions and expected outcome.

 

It is likely she lost interest as soon as you proposed, it's possible she wants a man who she has to chase, one who provides mystery, a challenge, one who is not as emotional, not as avaliable, more aloof, less open and in short, less 'nice'.

 

I believe you have fallen into the same trap many guys fall into and believe that all women want what they say they do. If you are ever able to take a step back from all of this and look at everything from an objective viewpoint, you will likely notice things.

 

Her placing so much time into work is another thing you may want to look at from a different angle. You have become the guy women say they want but in this case, it is very likely the opposite of what she actually wants and she has realised this after proposal. Also it's possible she hasn't learned to truly love herself and / or develop a true level of self esteem and your affection triggers this realization so she can't handle it.

 

That staement she made about her potentially coming back and chasing after you translates to you being a possible backup guy. She takes you for granted, she has no worries or concerns about whether you will be around ore not because she knows you will take her back in a heartbeat. She wants to 'find herself' and sees you as the fallback guy.

 

All of the above are just my opinions and deductions summarized, I could be completely wrong or I could just be too cynical. Take from it what you will. If you want the detailed version, feel free to pm me sometime but you won't like what you hear because I only deal with the truth without a sugar coating.

Edited January 10, 2014 by OnlyHonesty

[justwhoiam]

whenever we'd finally see each other again we'd make lots of love. However, this trip it was hard to initiate. First she complained about my beard hurting her and being too long.

Well, here it greatly depends on how she said that to you. Was it in a nice way? Or jokingly? Or was he really bothered and in a bad mood? If it was the latter, something was up, obviously.

 

Then her knee started to hurt and could barely bend it. However, once we talked about the break, best lovemaking maybe ever.

I hope you got into the knee problem in more depth. But your last sentence makes me wonder: had you become a FWB? Sex with no ties?

 

We did sit down and I expressed my feelings a couple times when I was there during Christmas. Usually it would be late at night before bed and she would get upset that I decided to bring it up then.

Very very bad time and place. You live, you learn.

 

Its confusing because before we said our goodbyes from breakup she said I love you. And when I was on the plane back to the States I saw she posted a picture of us on facebook saying Love you Forever. Maybe she loves me but is not longer in love with me.

You nailed it on your own.

 

She mentioned that she was unsure about life in the US. That at one point she wanted it but started having doubts especially as she kept advancing with her job.

I got that. That contributed to her starting to distance herself.

 

Remember that she originally just wanted a break

You asked for a break. She didn't voice it.

 

I did try and understand what was wrong. That was the whole point of my trip to Colombia. When things weren't going too smoothly on my trip I would sit and talk to her to try and brainstorm what has changed. I was always the one expressing my feelings and concerns. But she did not seem comfortable doing the same.

I guess your main task had to be making her feel great, creating wonderful memories, having the best chemistry, understanding each other with just one look, having fun, making everything memorable. But if she's not in love with you anymore, that might be a mission impossible... especially is someone else is in the picture, even in the background.

 

Do you think this could just be bad timing for us?

I'm more for "love wins everything".

 

part of me knows that I need to move on and not even worry about whether she loves me or not, because its over.

I think she loves you, but she's not in love with you right now. A series of things might have contributed to that: distance, your comfort level, local guys into her/showing interest or chasing after her, need for more regular intimacy/sex, need for freedom, negative thoughts about moving to the US, etc.

[Zhang]

So judging by your responses I got too clingy, and too needy. Now that we've been apart for almost 2 weeks, I've had the chance to reflect and I can see that. Its really hard to make a long distance relationship work, and to show the kind of love and affection it takes to nurture the relationship. By the looks of it I lost that balance. I've read tons of other stories of LDR going bad, and different scenarios and every situation is different because every relationship is different. Even when there are things you can relate to when reading other peoples experiences, it seems impossible to compare because you never really know the dynamic of other peoples relationships.

 

As for my relationship, I truly know that we had somethings special. We had a special story, and felt very upbeat and optimistic about making things work. Obviously, it got to a point where she needed time, and i reacted poorly to that, almost giving her no other option but to break up with me. That being said, she originally only wanted time. Me being needy and emotional only pushed her further away, and she was forced to let me go because she could see how affected I was. To be fair, if she was having doubts then she did the right thing. I've learned my lesson, and I'm now ready to be the man in the relationship, if she chooses to reach out to me again.

 

I've been trying to keep myself busy with work, family, working out, and friends. When I keep busy I'm happy and remain positive. However, when I'm alone or bored, I only find my thoughts thinking about her, which I'm sure is natural. My girlfriend works 10-12 hour days, which worries me because I feel that she probably never gives herself the time to really wonder about our relationship and the decision she made. I've changed my facebook relationship status, and taken down most the pictures of us. I've remained very upbeat on facebook, posting pics with friends, inspiration articles, things that would give the impression that I'm moving on and staying positive. She still has us as her profile pic, I catch her on facebook a lot which means if she really wanted to could have changed that by now. A part of me truly believes that we can start fresh after a few weeks. When we talked about going on break we originally agreed to wait to communicate until February. I'm going to respect that, and hopefully she'll be the one to reach out to me. If not then is there anything I can do to make her want me back, or at least reach out to me?

[justwhoiam]

hopefully she'll be the one to reach out to me.

I guess you're just waiting for February to come in order to get back in touch with her. If that's the case, contact her after Feb. 15 at least.

 

If not then is there anything I can do to make her want me back, or at least reach out to me?

No.

[Zhang]

Greetings everyone, just wanted to give a little update and get some feedback. I’ve been in no contact with my ex for a little over a month now. This time has really allowed me to reflect and bring clarity to some of the problems in our relationship. I obviously still think about her and the relationship a lot, I still love her, but I think I’m at a point where I have accepted it for what it is. Something that has helped me is reading other peoples stories and realizing that breakups happen all the time unexpectedly and that its an opportunity to just focus on yourself and learn. I’m at a point where I’d be emotionally ready to handle a conversation with her. I’m firm on waiting for her to contact me but a few stories I read recently made me think.

 

Basically some stories suggest that a girlfriend could break up with her boyfriend to test him. It’s a woman’s way of telling a guy that it’s either time for him to step things up or time for him to get lost. Basically she wants a stronger commitment. The considerations being length of relationship (almost 3 years), age (26), and marital status of closest friends (2 married in the last 3 months, 1 in last year). Based on the considerations it would make sense that she felt her biological clock was ticking a bit. Us being long distance also makes that need for a sense of security even stronger. We had serious discussion of marriage, kids, moving together, growing old together.

 

When I reflect back I realize that things started getting sticky after I gave her a promise ring. It was a poorly executed and timed offering, even though I know she loved the heartfelt words that went with it. However, she seemed confused by this. She initially didn’t know if it was an engagement or what the promise ring meant. I explained that it was a symbol of our love and that when she was ready, getting a civil union (something we had previously discussed doing to bridge the gap and have her move with me). Looking back I can see that this was not what she had expected from our relationship and that our fairy tale story wasn’t meeting expectations. I remember her asking me weeks later, what I loved about her. Surprised by the question, I did not respond to the question with the seriousness or consideration to her emotions as it needed be. When breaking up with me there was little certainty in her reasoning: I don’t know if I see my life in your city, I don’t know whats wrong with me, maybe I need space to figure things out.

 

I know she won’t find another man like me. I treated her like a princess, and improved as a man by her side. I showed her what she deserves to be treated like, her ex cheated on her numerous times and she was depressed for a while. I did nothing but show her love and always be supportive. Not to mention the way we met and our first couple years was like something out of a movie. We have our flaws, but there is no doubt that we have a deep connection and its visible to all.

 

My concern is if indeed she is testing me, I don’t want to let too much time pass. It will give her the impression that I don’t care enough. And to be honest, I would want to re-approach things slowly but I do love her, and I am willing to show her that I would commit to her for life. On the other hand, I know that going no contact can be a very powerful tool in allowing someone to realize what they have given up. My concern is that we are long distance and my ex is the shy/non confrontational type.

 

Has anybody every dumped someone to test them out? Find out how committed they are? If so what would you expect from the ex that needs to prove his worth? I hate it when people play games but I can understand my ex’s concerns and wanting to be sure before committing her life to someone. Has anyone had success with no contact over long distance? I know she loves me, she always will. Honestly, I’m fine with going no contact until she chooses to get in touch with me, but I do think there is some legitimacy to these “test” scenarios. Any opinions, stories, or advice would be greatly appreciated ☺