mantlefan Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Hi All, I think I might want to start dating soon, after a breakup 5 months ago from a 5 year RS. However, (especially since I only found out 2 weeks ago that my ex was going after my friend right after the breakup, and my friend didn't tell me that she was doing that even though I was asking him for advice on how to get over her, and now it looks like they are going for each other), I am not really over my ex. I am a very honest person, and although I am not going to do anything stupid like talk about my ex all the time, eventually I think it is something that is going to come up after the first couple dates, assuming I find someone where we both want to keep hanging out. I guess I am not really sure what I am asking, but I am sort of wondering if it is OK to date if I am not really looking for anything serious (although if it happens I won't protest) and if it's OK to date if I still have feelings for my ex, in terms of 1. Is it healthy for me, and 2. Is it fair to the other person? My ex was my first relationship, and although being with her has made me more confident around girls (or I guess at my age now they are considered women, lol), I also don't really know how to date. I know I am all over the place in this. I do want to get out and have fun and find people that can have fun with me. I don't know if anyone was in a similar situation, and if so, what your thoughts are on it.
PegNosePete Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I wouldn't do it. Seriously, women can pick up on this kind of thing immediately. They are much better at it than us guys. They have like a 6th sense or something. This has just got bad idea written all over it.
Chalkdust89 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I've been on both sides of this and would strongly advise NO!! I used to be a serial dater, where I would jump from one long term relationship to the next without really taking time for myself in between. It will feel really uncomfortable for you to be with someone else if you're not ready...or even worse, if you suppress all of your feelings and pretend you're over her and "move on", they will end up presenting themselves in other ways or bubbling up into huge arguments. Also, you will always be comparing your ex to whatever girl you're with at the moment, which is unfair to the new girl and might make you miss your ex even more. From the other perspective, there is nothing worse than being told by a person you like (especially if you've been intimate with them and been seeing them for a while) that they are not over their past. Everyone has baggage, but you should be able to address it before you put it on someone else. It is uncomfortable and can lead to trust and jealousy issues that she might carry on to future relationships, especially if she has developed feelings for you (this can happen pretty easily even if you try to keep it casual). Also, if you told me your five year relationship ended five months ago and were trying to date me, I'd think of it as a pretty big red flag. My advice, which I wish I could have given myself a while back, is to enjoy being single. Five years is a really long time, and I'm sure it's devastating to think about rebuilding your life without another person in it! But this is the time for you to figure out your interests, try something new, make some future goals to work towards, and do what you want just for the heck of it. There is such a stigma against being single in our society, but there are so many enjoyable things about it other than being able to date multiple people. You are, of course, totally allowed to have fun with people and join a new social circle, but I think you should keep it at the friend level (and no, I don't mean friends with benefits!). I'm sorry about your situation. It would be totally scummy if your ex and your friend started dating each other, but that doesn't mean you have to date other people. You should focus your attention on maybe getting a new friend who wouldn't do something like that to you! 3
regine_phalange Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 No way... I don't want to go back with my ex, but I want time, lots of time to be alone and meditate.
Author mantlefan Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I am really trying to figure out what my fears are. One of them is I guess just a fear of starting over. I put a LOT of my eggs into the basket of being with my ex. I still don't think it has totally hit home that we won't be sitting in the living room reading books when we are 70. I am also afraid that I will never find anyone who I will love or trust as much as I did her. I mean, I really thought it was us against the world. It's a "if that wasn't the real thing and wasn't worth keeping, what is?" fear. Maybe the best thing is to just get out there and have some fun and wait until a find a person that I want to date, instead of dating to find a person I want. I don't think I am ready yet, I just sort of feel like forcing the issue a bit, to help me heal, but you're right, it could have the opposite effect if I am out looking to replace my ex. I didn't really have a "type" physically before I met my ex, and during those 5 years, she totally became my type. She was always pretty, I knew that from the day I met her, but it's still hard to not see her as the ideal woman. I think once her flaws start to affect how beautiful I think she is, that might be when I know that I am not trying to replace her.
tlegend Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Hi All, I think I might want to start dating soon, after a breakup 5 months ago from a 5 year RS. However, (especially since I only found out 2 weeks ago that my ex was going after my friend right after the breakup, and my friend didn't tell me that she was doing that even though I was asking him for advice on how to get over her, and now it looks like they are going for each other), I am not really over my ex. I am a very honest person, and although I am not going to do anything stupid like talk about my ex all the time, eventually I think it is something that is going to come up after the first couple dates, assuming I find someone where we both want to keep hanging out. I guess I am not really sure what I am asking, but I am sort of wondering if it is OK to date if I am not really looking for anything serious (although if it happens I won't protest) and if it's OK to date if I still have feelings for my ex, in terms of 1. Is it healthy for me, and 2. Is it fair to the other person? My ex was my first relationship, and although being with her has made me more confident around girls (or I guess at my age now they are considered women, lol), I also don't really know how to date. I know I am all over the place in this. I do want to get out and have fun and find people that can have fun with me. I don't know if anyone was in a similar situation, and if so, what your thoughts are on it. If you still have feelings for her, then you need to tell her that and distance yourself as seeing her with your friend will only hurt you and hinder your healing process. As for your friend, I feel that situation is unfortunate. It has been 5 months and even though he's probably trying to be a good friend and hold off as long as he can, maybe you should let him know that you still have feelings for her. If he is a good friend, he will back off for now or try to help you get over her. If he knows you have feelings for her and continues to pursue her, then maybe its best if you distance yourself from BOTH of them for now.
Arieswoman Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Hi Mantlefan, Personally I don't think it's a good idea. I started dating 6 months after my divorce from an 8 year marriage. Looking back it was waaaay too soon. I hadn't processed a lot of stuff from my divorce (I was a BS) and I really fell for this guy big time. I took it slow, didn't sleep with him for 4 months and the relationship lasted 9 months. It ended because he wasn't sure that I was the right one for him. I didn't bear him any ill-will over it as he was totally honest with me. When it ended I went down with a real bang and needed some counselling to sort my head out. I would suggest you take a bit of time-out to be alone and work out what it is you really want out of life. You might decide a life without a guy in it is OK for a while! Good Luck.
Author mantlefan Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 If you still have feelings for her, then you need to tell her that and distance yourself as seeing her with your friend will only hurt you and hinder your healing process. As for your friend, I feel that situation is unfortunate. It has been 5 months and even though he's probably trying to be a good friend and hold off as long as he can, maybe you should let him know that you still have feelings for her. If he is a good friend, he will back off for now or try to help you get over her. If he knows you have feelings for her and continues to pursue her, then maybe its best if you distance yourself from BOTH of them for now. Well, this is where I just decided to be honest about how I felt, consequences and NC be darned (actually, I barely knew about NC until I came here, and that was 2 days after I sent them both my last letters) I saw the two of them together, and ended up asking my friend what was going on. He said she had been after him for awhile, and that he told her to take 6 months to think about it. Part of it was that he (says) he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship, wasn't sure if he wanted her, and wanted to make sure he did what he wished he would have done with HIS ex, have an agreement to take a break from each other and from dating and see where they were in 6 months. I think he also wanted to make sure he wasn't a rebound. Well, that "break time" (although they have been hanging out a lot this whole time) probably only put her even more in the palm of his hand. I told him that if he and her got serious, I wished I could still be his friend but that it probably wasn't going to happen. I also told him that him allowing me to spill my guts about her to him while she was after him and he was at least mildly interested is NOT what a friend would do. I told her that her telling me she was not seeing him when she was after him is also not what someone who claims to want to be my friend would do. I told her that I still cared about her a lot, and that I still wanted to be there for her if she ever needed me, but now I realize that as she has been evasive and perhaps sometimes even dishonest, I don't really know if I can ever trust her again, and that if she comes to me claiming need, I may just have to conclude she is using me. I dropped off the face of the earth as much as possible. I actually poked her while trying to block her on facebook. I think cutting them out of my life is the way to go, although my ex and I still have to collaborate on projects for a nonprofit we both care about on occasion. I want to forgive them, and I think I am moving towards that. But as far as being friends with either of them, I can't see that as anything but stupid for my own emotional well-being.
Author mantlefan Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Hi Mantlefan, Personally I don't think it's a good idea. I started dating 6 months after my divorce from an 8 year marriage. Looking back it was waaaay too soon. I hadn't processed a lot of stuff from my divorce (I was a BS) and I really fell for this guy big time. I took it slow, didn't sleep with him for 4 months and the relationship lasted 9 months. It ended because he wasn't sure that I was the right one for him. I didn't bear him any ill-will over it as he was totally honest with me. When it ended I went down with a real bang and needed some counselling to sort my head out. I would suggest you take a bit of time-out to be alone and work out what it is you really want out of life. You might decide a life without a guy in it is OK for a while! Good Luck. Thanks for the advice. That's one thing I do have sorted out already; life without a guy sounds pretty good, since I am a straight man. But hey, every little thing that I learn that I want or don't want helps! (Seriously though, thanks for sharing your story about getting into something too soon. So many people are telling me to get back on the horse. It just doesn't quite feel right yet)
Author mantlefan Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 No way... I don't want to go back with my ex, but I want time, lots of time to be alone and meditate. What sorts of things do you think/meditate on?
regine_phalange Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 What sorts of things do you think/meditate on? Everything else except dating, relationships, etc. Tired of those a little bit for now.
Silly_Girl Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Lots of valid points. I did it. It worked out amazingly well. I was looking for fun/romance; not love/marriage. Now I'm living a fairytale.
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