A Friend Wants To Cheer Me Up "That Way"

[george roy]

I'm in the early stages of a divorce. STBXW was unfaithful.

 

A few people in my (our) inner circle know about the impending divorce, and some of the details.

 

Yesterday at the sub shop, I ran into a female ex co-worker that I haven't seen in a long time. Neither of us was in a hurry, so we sat down and had lunch and talked.

 

STBXW and this woman have never formally met, and I had a very good friendship with this woman as well. Way back when, even before I met STBXW, this woman helped me through a rough patch in my life. And I was able to repay the favor about a year later.

 

In any case, we talked about the old job, some of the old co-workers and what they're up to now, etc.

 

The conversation turned to how our personal lives are going. She divorced her husband about a year and a half ago. I mentioned that I was getting a divorce. We talked a little about that (I didn't go into great detail, just the reasons why). She knew I'd gotten married and had kids, and she was genuinely saddened by the news.

 

So we finish our lunches, and as we get up to leave, this woman sort of rubs my back and says to me:

 

"I know, honey. It hurts a lot, doesn't it ?"

Me: "Yes. Yes, it does"

Her: "Do you have any plans Friday evening ?"

Me: "I don't know yet. What's up ?"

 

Her: "Why don't you come by Friday night."

Me: "Maybe. I'll see what the kids want to do"

Her: "Can you get a sitter or something ?"

Me: "I suppose I might be able to. Why, what's up ?"

Her: ""I'll be home around 7:00 Friday. Stop by a little bit after that."

 

She leans in close, puts her hand on my chest, stares at my chest, and says...

 

"I want to show you how a real woman treats a man."

 

 

Umm...

 

Wow. Just... Wow.

 

Thoughts ?

[Philosoraptor]

If you're ready to sleep with someone else then enjoy. If you don't feel ready then take a rain check.

[BlametheIrish]

My thoughts ate ypur two full groen adults so f she appeald,to you then go for it. Dont fforget to rubber up though, you don't wanna catch something at the beginning of your single life

 

Also, even though she propositioned you, if you go.through with it make sure to.let her know,that you're still sorting out your emotions and have no.interest in anything relationship related.

[flightplan]

Dude, you gotta be careful on this one. Having another "relationship" while going through a divorce can backfire on you legally. Without knowing any of the details, it could compromise your divorce. If you don't think it will, and you can set up some emotional ground rules with this lady, then go have fun. But you just might want to think about the consequences of a roll in the hay while your going through an emotional/legal time. Just saying...

[bubbaganoosh]

It always blows my mind when someone uses that word "real" woman or "real man".

 

As opposed to what? A fake man or fake woman. A blow up doll?

 

 

To answer your question. IMO wait until your divorced. If your still legally married, then keep it in your pants until your single again.

 

Sometimes that few minuets of pleasure can lead to years of hassle and then you'll find out that it wasn't worth it.

 

Politely ask for a rain check and hope she gives you one.

[JDPT]

I would so go for it even if I wasn't ready...lol

However, think things through. I recall in my early stages of recovery sleeping with two women and both times were horrible. I was left feeling like scum. I compared every moment with my ex oh it was just a terrible idea. As stated think about this one and it's all about how YOU feel.

[carhill]

Thoughts ?

 

No need to fall into any willing vagina which comes your way. Be selective!

 

Did I experience what you're describing during/after my exW and I split up? Yes!

 

One factor which is nearly universal amongst any man I've known, and myself: If we pass a sexual opportunity up, it'll be remembered as the sexual opportunity we passed up. Forever. How much that matters varies by man but you're seeing that maxim in action right here in this posting. Read the extent of detail involved. That's how it works.

 

Up to you OP. Given your backstory, I wouldn't but you're you and I'm me. Good luck.

[Mrlonelyone]

No need to fall into any willing vagina which comes your way. Be selective!

 

Did I experience what you're describing during/after my exW and I split up? Yes!

 

 

This is true but...

 

 

 

 

One factor which is nearly universal amongst any man I've known, and myself: If we pass a sexual opportunity up, it'll be remembered as the sexual opportunity we passed up. Forever. How much that matters varies by man but you're seeing that maxim in action right here in this posting. Read the extent of detail involved. That's how it works.

 

Up to you OP. Given your backstory, I wouldn't but you're you and I'm me. Good luck.

 

 

That is even more true.

 

 

I am a young 30 something and at my unwise age I would dive into that.

 

 

I've had a situation where for moral reasons I passed up on a repeat sexual encounter with a woman I'd known in a non sexual way for a while... I know just what Carhill means, you think about it and sometimes you regret it sometimes you don't.

 

 

In hindsight right now I might as well have hit it again as long as no children were produced we'd all be where we are anyway.

 

 

 

Other times I was really glad I didn't.

 

 

It's certainly an offer and both of you are divorced or separated. There aren't any promises to break.

[johncourtz]

I'm in the early stages of a divorce. STBXW was unfaithful.

 

A few people in my (our) inner circle know about the impending divorce, and some of the details.

 

Yesterday at the sub shop, I ran into a female ex co-worker that I haven't seen in a long time. Neither of us was in a hurry, so we sat down and had lunch and talked.

 

STBXW and this woman have never formally met, and I had a very good friendship with this woman as well. Way back when, even before I met STBXW, this woman helped me through a rough patch in my life. And I was able to repay the favor about a year later.

 

In any case, we talked about the old job, some of the old co-workers and what they're up to now, etc.

 

The conversation turned to how our personal lives are going. She divorced her husband about a year and a half ago. I mentioned that I was getting a divorce. We talked a little about that (I didn't go into great detail, just the reasons why). She knew I'd gotten married and had kids, and she was genuinely saddened by the news.

 

So we finish our lunches, and as we get up to leave, this woman sort of rubs my back and says to me:

 

"I know, honey. It hurts a lot, doesn't it ?"

Me: "Yes. Yes, it does"

Her: "Do you have any plans Friday evening ?"

Me: "I don't know yet. What's up ?"

 

Her: "Why don't you come by Friday night."

Me: "Maybe. I'll see what the kids want to do"

Her: "Can you get a sitter or something ?"

Me: "I suppose I might be able to. Why, what's up ?"

Her: ""I'll be home around 7:00 Friday. Stop by a little bit after that."

 

She leans in close, puts her hand on my chest, stares at my chest, and says...

 

"I want to show you how a real woman treats a man."

 

 

Umm...

 

Wow. Just... Wow.

 

Thoughts ?

 

 

 

Do it brotha..protect yourself tho, dont take it as anything more than what it is and have fun. Live your life!

[GorillaTheater]

Well, caution is definitely warranted, but few things are as great of a morale booster.

 

I don't know that I'd worry about it from a legal/divorce standpoint, I'd worry about it from an emotional standpoint. The last thing you need right now is more emotional chaos.

[carhill]

Ha, I'd verify she's divorced first. Cha-ching.

[pteromom]

 

"I want to show you how a real woman treats a man."

 

 

Umm...

 

Wow. Just... Wow.

 

Thoughts ?

 

Are you attracted to her?

Do you think you are able to just go enjoy an evening of sex without getting emotionally entangled?

Is there ZERO chance that you and your STBX will work things out and get back together?

 

If yes and yes and yes, go buy a pack of condoms and go for it!

Edited January 9, 2014 by pteromom

[im_thedude]

Me? I'd bang her.

 

- The Dude

[george roy]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnddd the preliminary paperwork arrived today.

 

It's all the financial stuff. The attorney needs this to work up an agreement.

 

So STBXW got home a few minutes ago. And went into the bedroom.

 

I waited a few minutes, walked into the room, and handed her the forms as I said, "The paperwork came today". Then I went out in the living room.

 

STBXW got up from the bed, walked over and shut the bedroom door. Hard.

 

Reality is starting to sink in for her now.

 

Not out of spite, but wait until she finds out I (may) have plans tomorrow night.

[pteromom]

Reality is starting to sink in for her now.

 

Not out of spite, but wait until she finds out I (may) have plans tomorrow night.

 

 

Actually, this does sound "out of spite".

 

Go and have a good time, but there is no reason to needlessly rub it in your SBTX's face. Be the bigger person here, and be kind and respectful. The way you would like to be treated in her shoes. You have years of co-parenting with her ahead of you.

[aliveagain]

Friend, do not start a new relationship, having said that, it's good to be wanted. Paperwork has been put in play, marriage is over, might do you a world of good to get away from the "Ice Queen" for a night. Play it by ear, your already friends, no games required.

[Grumpybutfun]

She seemingly is offering you distraction. It is up to you if you want to be distracted. However, be discreet. Don't use someone who is doing you a kindness by throwing her up to your wife for ego satisfaction. Also, transparency is a must. I very easily can separate emotion from sex but do not know many others who can do that so make sure she is offering you distraction and not her hopes for a new relationship.

Best,

Grumps

[Monodare1]

Tough one, I'm still married but separated from the wife 6 months ago, I kept it in my pants only to find out at Christmas that my stbxw is now in a relationship with another guy she met at a wedding in November. I thought I was doing the right thing only for the stbxw to do the dirty before the divorce. Now I wish I had "out it about a bit" as finding out the wife has gone and done it anyway has felt like a real hard kick in the balls.

 

And we have a little son together who is barely three years old.

Edited January 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merge

[Still Searching]

I'm sorry to hear about the divorce, never a good situation, but...

 

if only were always that simple! Like others have said, I'd recommend being careful both from a legal and emotional standpoint. If you can view it as nothing more than the act itself, go for it. Be cautious though, that it might be amazing, and lead to repeat encounters. The more that happens, the more likely emotion is to become involved from one or both sides...

[toolforgrowth]

I'm of the opinion that once a spouse cheats, all bets are off and the betrayed spouse is free to do whatever they wish. The wandering spous lost all rights and privileges to the betrayed staying faithful. When my exW and I split, I stayed faithful until I found out she was sleeping with a co worker (and I had had an opportunity with a woman that I turned down before I found out). Once I found out, I did what I wanted and never looked back. Never regretted it, either. I divorced her and moved on with my life.

 

Really it's all about what you want. If her infidelity is a dealbreaker for you and you have no desire to reconcile, then do what you want (that's what I did; didn't affect my divorce proceedings in the slightest and I had no regrets). I'd say you could at least go out with her. You can tell her you're not ready for sex by would enjoy spending time with her; I think any decent person would understand that. Of your stbxw asks where you're going, just say "Out." Do whatever you want and come back when you feel like it.

 

Your life is yours, not hers.

[george roy]

I have no intention of rubbing STBXW's face in this. Hell, I don't need her knowing what might happen tomorrow night.

 

I know this woman well enough that I could have an honest and candid conversation with her about what needs to happen, if anything does happen.

And that I can trust that whatever happens will stay between us.

 

As far as STBXW, I put all the options out there Saturday. Attempt to reconcile, divorce, etc.

 

She chose divorce.

 

That's the road she took. Today's paperwork is just giving it a little gas.

 

As far as the other situation, I'll have to take things as they happen.

[Trimmer]

It always blows my mind when someone uses that word "real" woman or "real man".

 

As opposed to what? A fake man or fake woman. A blow up doll?

C'mon, isn't that pretty clearly intended as a burn on the STBXW - to metaphorically put the seducer on the "same side" as the seducee by lining up against the common enemy? At the same time, it pumps up the man's ego by clearly implying that he deserves to be treated well. Not a lot of mystery there.

 

You could accomplish roughly the same two goals in 5 words: "Hell with her. Let's f**k." But I think the original is considered a bit more eloquent and stylish.

 

Tough one, I'm still married but separated from the wife 6 months ago, I kept it in my pants only to find out at Christmas that my stbxw is now in a relationship with another guy she met at a wedding in November. I thought I was doing the right thing only for the stbxw to do the dirty before the divorce. Now I wish I had "out it about a bit" as finding out the wife has gone and done it anyway has felt like a real hard kick in the balls.

I would suggest that whether you did the right thing or not depends mostly on what kind of person you want to be and the standards to which you hold yourself, and relatively little on whether she did the right thing or not.

[george roy]

Ok.

 

Thursday evening (and 'while I'm thinking of it') I asked STBXW if she would be able to be home Friday night.

 

STBXW: "I should be. Why ?"

Me: "I have somewhere to be tomorrow night."

STBXW: "Where ?"

Me: "I have somewhere to be tomorrow night."

STBXW: "Oh, ok"

 

One of the kids comes into the kitchen to get a drink and leaves, and then STBXW says,

 

"Are you going to see your lawyer ?"

Me: "I just have somewhere to be tomorrow night."

STBXW: "Ok."

 

So...

 

After a visit to the divorce support group I looked into (which was not exactly what I expected, but I may return for at least another visit), I went over to the friend's house for dinner last night.

 

She came to the door in an outfit that didn't really reveal anything, but it didn't leave much to the imagination, either.

 

And after some pleasantries, a warm hug, a brief tour of the house, and a very nice dinner (where she asked about how my divorce came about, and I told her), we sat down in the living room and started to talk more.

 

I candidly told her that my biggest concern was that, somehow, any sort of relationship that might occur between us would have to stay very, VERY discreet.

As much as I would love to pursue this avenue tonight, I do need to be clear that this would be strictly physical at this point.

 

And that there's too much at stake for me right now. And the discovery of any sort of relationship that I may be having could jeopardize any chance of success with my children, regardless of STBXW's behavior.

 

If you (she) can understand that, then I would love to find out how a real woman treats a man.

 

She said, "(George), I understand where you are right now. Yes, I can keep this as discreet as you'd like me to. And I'd like to help you keep this discreet."

 

Me: "I'd appreciate that very much."

Her: " Your soon-to-be ex seems to be very concerned with your whereabouts tonight."

Me: "Yes, she does."

Her: "She'll likely be on her toes when you come home tonight."

Me: "Probably."

Her: "I think that, tonight, it may be a good idea for us not to do anything."

Me: "As much as I'd like to do something tonight, I think you may be right."

 

As much as I agreed with her...

 

Her: "Does she have any plans for this weekend ?"

Me: "She's taking the kids to her father's Sunday afternoon."

Her: "I would really enjoy making you an early dinner Sunday."

Me: "I'd appreciate that very much."

Her: "And who knows what might happen after dinner Sunday."

 

 

"I understand where you are right now, George. I really do. But you set the pace, ok ?"

 

A few minutes more, and I decided it was time for me to head out. And after a very long and tender hug, I got in the car and started driving home.

 

I took the long way.

 

Umm... Wow.

 

After some serious consideration, and the fact that I can 'set the pace', I think I know where I'll be having dinner this Sunday.

[Trimmer]

After some serious consideration, and the fact that I can 'set the pace', I think I know where I'll be having dinner this Sunday.

...and I think I know where you'll be having dessert.