ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 So this incredible woman and I have been dating for about 2 months. We're both in our 30s. She's divorced with no kids, I've never been married and I have 2 kids. We always have a nice time together, we share a lot (almost everything) in common, we have some mutual friends. We see each other about once a week. We've had sex after about 10 dates, which is a fair number for me. Everything seems to be all good. She then tells me that she ran into her ex-husband at the mall the other day and it's brought back a lot of sad feelings from her divorce and she tells me that she feels like our relationship has the potential to get serious if that's what we both want, but she isn't sure what she wants right now. To me I want to assume that there is some unresolved feelings about her divorce, but I can't help but to think that I am being rejected in a nice way. She says that she loves that I have kids and that I am involved in their life (I am a full-time, single parent) and that isn't the issue at all. I believe that part. She is very genuine, overall. The thing is that I DO KNOW what I want with her. I would like to pursue something, but if she's not feeling it then am I wasting my time? I want her to get involved with me and my life with my kids because she doesn't know that side of me at all. I have not introduced her to my kids yet because I just can't do that unless I know that the relationship is going somewhere. I've learned from past mistakes with this. She says she really likes me and wants to keep seeing me, but I just don't know what I should do. The way I see it is that if after several dates, having (really good) sex, having so much in common, and saying that she wants to keep seeing me, how can she not know what she wants? Am I being played? Led on? Am I reading too far into this? Should I wait this out? I'm not interested in just being with her to "have some fun". I have feelings for her, and if I keep seeing her they are only going to become greater. If I wanted to just "have some fun" I would have been doing that a long time ago. I'm also not interested in being demoted to the friend zone. I have plenty of friends. So, sound off for me. What does this mean in your opinion? What would you do if you were me?
bubbaganoosh Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Sounds like she's not really over her husband yet. If your going to get serious with her then make sure that she is free and clear in her mind and heart. Relationships don't work when there is someone else still occupying a part of their heart. 3
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 that's what I'm thinking too. So do you think I should move on?
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 because I'm smart enough to know that I can't possibly make her free and clear, she has to do that on her own.
mammasita Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Usually when I tell a person that I don't know what I want, it means that they are not the person that I want. 4
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 mammasita: have you ever told someone that and then asked to keep seeing them? (assuming that sex will still be involved?) That's the conundrum here.
PegNosePete Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 she tells me that she feels like our relationship has the potential to get serious if that's what we both want, but she isn't sure what she wants right now. To me I want to assume that there is some unresolved feelings about her divorce Sounds about right. How long ago was her divorce, and how long were they married for? Was this just a one-off thing she said after running into her ex? Or is it an on-going theme that she talks about often?
mammasita Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 mammasita: have you ever told someone that and then asked to keep seeing them? (assuming that sex will still be involved?) That's the conundrum here. Not recently since I've "grown up", but I've been told that and it sucked. He ended up breaking my heart....thats what brought me to this board.
Janesays Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 What are the circumstances of her divorce? I used to say similar things to my boyfriend when I felt myself getting too close to him. But this was largely rooted in the fact that my ex husband cheated on me and betrayed me and I was scared of that happening to me again. Boyfriend would just sooth me and do his best to remind me that they are not the same man and he deserved a chance to prove that fact. Boyfriend is now my current husband. Sometimes being burned in the past can bring up hesitations...doesn't necessarily mean there are genuine feelings there. 1
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Sounds about right. How long ago was her divorce, and how long were they married for? Was this just a one-off thing she said after running into her ex? Or is it an on-going theme that she talks about often? Divorced 2 years ago, I believe and they were married for 12 years. This was a one-off thing. She hasn't talked about her ex too much.
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 What are the circumstances of her divorce? I used to say similar things to my boyfriend when I felt myself getting too close to him. But this was largely rooted in the fact that my ex husband cheated on me and betrayed me and I was scared of that happening to me again. Boyfriend would just sooth me and do his best to remind me that they are not the same man and he deserved a chance to prove that fact. Boyfriend is now my current husband. Sometimes being burned in the past can bring up hesitations...doesn't necessarily mean there are genuine feelings there. I do not know the circumstances surrounding her divorce at all. I told myself from the beginning that it shouldn't matter, but it sounds like maybe it should. We are supposed to get together soon, and I'll make sure we talk about it if she'll open up, but I won't push the issue.
PegNosePete Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 This was a one-off thing. Then I would just put it down to being a bit head-fked that day from running into her ex. Unless it becomes a theme... then there might be something to worry about. Just play it cool and see what happens dude
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 She also told me that she is afraid to get too close to anyone right now because of how her marriage ended, so we probably should address that, or no?
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 I just want to make sure that I am reading between the lines correctly if that's what I should be doing. If she's trying to get rid of me, then I don't want to stick around either.
Janesays Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I do not know the circumstances surrounding her divorce at all. I told myself from the beginning that it shouldn't matter, but it sounds like maybe it should. We are supposed to get together soon, and I'll make sure we talk about it if she'll open up, but I won't push the issue. I think that might be best. If it was a contentious divorce, it will matter. I used to tell my husband (before we married) that marriage and commitment didn't frighten me at all.....but divorce scared the living daylights out of me. So, in my head, in made sense to avoid commitment because if you never got married, you couldn't get divorced, right? Took me a fair bit of time to quit letting fear rule my life. But my point is, this fear had nothing really do with my husband or my feelings for him. I love him very deeply. I just needed a little time and patience to put my heart back together so I could give it to him 100%, which is no less than he deserved.
TheGuard13 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 It means she doesn't know what she wants. For you, it means that right now, she doesn't want what you want. 1
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 I'm starting to understand that. I'm curious to know if there are more people here who have been in a similar situation, how they handled it, and what the outcome was. I'm just trying to figure out what I should be setting myself up for. I realize that this is a little futile right this second because she and I haven't gotten together to talk about it in detail yet. It seems like I shouldn't be reading between the lines and I should be taking this at face value though, does anyone agree? The biggest source of the confusion for me is that I am smart enough to know that "I don't know what I want" means "I don't want you", but being told that she doesn't know what she wants but she still wants to see me, is really what's throwing me for a loop here. We're still making plans to get together and we're still talking everyday. I'm trying not to overthink this, I just know that if I spend more time with her, the stronger my feelings for her are going to get and I'm not sure if that's in everyone's best interest.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Essentially you've got to be the repair man...come in and patch up a lot of wounds left over from a prior relationship, some still bleeding profusely that have caused her to throw up her guard and become emotionally detached/distanced in the first place. This is about another man, but also stretches even deeper. The problem is, even if you make it through...even if you're the guy her husband should have been, or essentially prove or make-up for whatever that guy did wrong because you're not dealing with your issues as a couple but her issues in her past...you have to realize she still harbors those emotions for the man in the past, whether she loves him or hates him, it is of the same...that's why it's so hard to move forward and let go, and she never did that...and that is where those "desires" or "needs" are coming from, she is not really herself completely as if she would had she been over him if that makes sense....people choose certain types of people or attract certain type of people based on how they feel within themselves, what they're dealing with internally....that "shutdown" and resistant behavior due to broken trust will attract a man who has the desire to "fix"...to essentially be the guy who sticks around and earns her affection....which some guys that's what it's about...meeting this "amazing" woman who plays hard to get and then you turn things around and win her affection...just like in the movies! Now in time...if you keep pushing through, she will very likely learn to love you but it won't be the same...there is a limitation in the depths that will grow romantically speaking because she never really gave you the chance from the beginning and she is still closed and holding on, and had she not been dealing with what she had been would you even have had a chance? would she have even "chosen" you in different circumstances? it's easy to say yes in retrospect but in reality they might have been with someone else before they ever got to you...because she didn't choose you out a clear emotional conscience, she chose you because you would have proven yourself differently (which is likely what you are compelled to do)...you are going to be reliable, supportive and all that good stuff...once that was established, she "chose" to love you, and give back because you've providing the confidence and trust to do so....but it's not the same river flowing through her heart, the men who hurt these women have the emotional grip on their hearts...she didn't choose when, why or how to love him she just did, and those women sacrificed a lot of themselves for that man and that relationship, somethings she can never get back and things that she has probably not done with you and never would again, possibly with anyone...to protect herself. So again... This is not about you, your relationship, your "love" or potential of that, it's really not even question, this woman is clearly not over her ex-husband...so this is entirely about her...and you're just along for the ride, because she never let go of the past, and she doesn't have her eyes wide open...she doesn't even see or completely feel, in your case she doesn't even just have eyes for you. You're exactly the kind of guy she needs, but not really desires...that man took it from her and she gave it...you'll never have that "It" factor her ex-husband has, you will have a different kind of love...but for many a much more stable kind of love, without that level of "passion" the chaos or recklessness can be tamed and subdued...some people would rather have peace of mind. So the choice is yours, maybe you understand a little more of what you're getting into. 1
Arieswoman Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 ard2322, you said I'm trying not to overthink this, I just know that if I spend more time with her, the stronger my feelings for her are going to get and I'm not sure if that's in everyone's best interest. So there you have it. She has already told you that "she doesn't know what she wants". So do you want to stick around until she sorts herself out and decides what she wants is you? Move on now and look for someone who really wants you and knows it.
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 ninjainpajamas, that is very helpful. Thank you. Arieswoman, are you suggesting that this is really a subtle form of rejection?
GemmaUK Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 2 months in seems to be an incredibly short amount of time to be thinking anything more serious than just taking things day by day and week by week. I never know where things are going that soon in. Two men I dated started talking about moving in together between the 1 & 2 month mark and it was waaay ahead of time for me to have even thought about maybe going on holiday together at some point. For me, I wouldn't know what I wanted at that point either. It takes longer than 2 months for me to get to know anyone enough to think about a future with them in real serious relationship terms. Maybe she is a bit like me. (PS - I have so far dated only one man with children and I never met his children. I wouldn't want to do that before about the 6 month mark at the earliest)
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 well and that's kind of what I was thinking too, GemmaUK. 2 months really isn't a lot of time at all and I think that it's completely sane / rational to not know what you want this early in, (even though I'm sure I do). I guess that's why I am a little put off by why it was brought up in the first place.
Iguanna Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I'd suggest you tell her that you respect her point of view but you have to know how to move on with your life so you want an honest and definitive answer as to what you two are going to do. Give her some time to figure this out (like a week) and expect your answer after this period. If she continues being indecisive then you should leave her.
Author ard2322 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Is a week enough time? I really don't like ultimatums, but I understand that I might have to go this route as well.
Iguanna Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Is a week enough time? I really don't like ultimatums, but I understand that I might have to go this route as well. It can be 2 weeks, it depends on how much you want to wait. You can say that you have some project you are working on for example so this could be a good opportunity to "take a break" for a while until she decides. Nobody likes ultimatums cause they can be upsetting and risky (like she may feel you are pushing her and leave, even though you had a chance had you not given her an ultimatum) but I always believe that when someone can't decide and they take you for granted, it's better to push them with an ultimatum sooner than later, cause it's not fair for you to wait and wait endlessly while they make up their minds. You got a life to live and time runs fast.
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