Mik12 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I cant seem to let go of this anger and bitterness towards my ex. To make a long story short we were together for 2 1/2 years, it was a very close relationship we saw eye to eye on a lot of things, planned for the future and even bought a dog together (big mistake). Eventually tensions started to arise between her mother and I and she eventually dumped me saying she didnt feel the spark as much. She took the dog without consulting me, started dating a new guy 6 weeks later and hasnt initiated contact once despite her friends telling me she was really unsure and was having a hard time with the breakup. Its been 5 months now and 4 months of absolutely no contact, I'm so angry at her for so many reasons and I feel like I was too quiet about it. I took the high road and it led me nowhere, now all I can think of is how shes happy with my dog and my replacement, all while pretending that I nver even existed. How can I not be fuming considering the circumstances and that I did everything to try and make her happy. I sometimes want to reach out but I dont even know what I would say. I just dont think she deserves to be happy while im still picking up the pieces.... Rant over thanks for reading
fixing Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Hi Mik, i cant relate to you 100% tbh. Mine finished 14 months ago, was together 1.5 years, amazing relationship until i discovered she was cheating on and off with diff men throughout. She left, no remorse, and immediately shacked up with another man (Married man) and they are still together. I read once, being angry at your ex is like drinking poison and expecting her to be poisoned. You gotta try and let it go mate, your still her thinking of her while she doesnt give you a second thought. Its sad about the dog to. I love dogs! Chin up m8, you'll be fine in the long run 4
jphcbpa Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 the old saying, "I will kill myself at you". You are only hurting yourself with this anger. I suggest praying for her. Do it for 21 days and see what happens. Ask that she may receive anything that you would ask for yourself. 1
BlametheIrish Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) The old saying is "Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies." Still applies here though And to many threads on this forum Edited January 9, 2014 by BlametheIrish 6
Author Mik12 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 I know that holding on to this anger isnt doing me any good but I dont know w to get passed it. Should I write her an email or something? I just cant even conceive that we're now complete strangers we were so close...
Mrlonelyone Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I know how you feel. How can someone just replace you without skipping a beat. Then go on like we don't matter. How? Read up on something called limmerance. This is when people fall "in love" with eachother based solely on passion and the chemical high of meeting a wonderful new person. There is nothing wrong with this by itself. The problem is some people chase that high of meeting someone new all the time. Your ex is such a person. The high was wearing off with you, the new guy gave her a new high. Like an addict trying harder and harder drugs. I know it's small consolation but that is the scientific reason. As for why people can't master their emotions and not hurt others to chase their high? Who knows? 1
Mrlonelyone Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I know that holding on to this anger isnt doing me any good but I dont know w to get passed it. Should I write her an email or something? I just cant even conceive that we're now complete strangers we were so close... It's like in my above message. She's off chasing the high she used to get with you with another guy. It's all brain chemicals. Is It Love? Or Limerence? | Happen Magazine David Sack, M.D.: Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction This is also known as the "honeymoon period". It can last up to three years and is a well known form of false love. In the truest sense of the word we aren't in love with someone until we've been with them for at least a few years maybe four. Then you know they aren't just there for the novelty or the high they are there for you. That may sound awful but look at what little you've lost. A woman who had false feelings for you, gave you no children, and did not become your wife. Just thank your lucky stars that she left before asking for a ring from you and walk away. A much better woman will grow to really truly love you. 2
rosedl Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Allow yourself to be angry but stop vesting in it. Allow yourself to notice your thoughts, but don't hold onto them. Don't feed the beast and ruminate on what she did and what she has and what you dont. You have NO idea how things will turn out for her ultimately. And, you have no idea how your life can turn in positive ways that would have never happened had you stayed together. It is hard to feel as if the other person is doing fine, especially when you have been so deeply hurt by their actions. The indifference they show to your pain can be heart wrenching if you keep holding onto the hope that they will validate your pain. People rarely validate the pain that they cause. Focus on you. Try to stop projecting about the past and the future. Stick with the facts and don't run with stories in your head that are assumptions and then believe they are true. I feel for you. I was recently dumped by the same guy who broken up with me six months before and then came back and promised such change and offered huge insights. And, it is over. And, he blamed me for his selfish behavior. I was heartbroken. Now, I am just exhausted from the whole thing and needing a break from men and relationships. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I was angry for a long time too. Months and months. During this time, I often felt like a victim. It just takes time. I'm approaching a year and just getting past the anger and bitterness. There is no shortcut, or really anything you can do, except wait and do your best to re-route your thoughts. You will get there. Please remain NC. Contact won't do anything but set you back and make you look weak and pathetic. The message will be lost on her... 1
Author Mik12 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 @Mrlonelyone Thank you for that, I've never heard of limerance so I'm not sure if that's what I'm dealing with but it does give me another perspective @rosedl I do tend to play scenarios out in my head. In which mainly she's extremely happy with this new guy and has forgotten about me completely. I know it's unlikely that it'S as bad as I'm imagining it but actions speak louder than words and for whatever reason she's decided not to initiate contact with me under any circumstances (bday,xmas,new years) I just don't get it especially since there was no drama or anger in the breakup and our relationship was very close and passionate. I've had other breakups before but none that have made so little sense. @mtnbiker3000 I try not to feel like a victim but she walked out so suddenly without any regard for me. I just hate that i'm perpetuating this situation of us being complete strangers. Why do I need to go on and pretend like she never was a huge part of my life, everyone tells me to stick to NC but will it ever be ok for me to contact her? I'm pretty sure she would never initiate contact if only out of pride,guilt or shame.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 @Mrlonelyone Thank you for that, I've never heard of limerance so I'm not sure if that's what I'm dealing with but it does give me another perspective. It may not be. It may be that the honeymoon ended a long time ago and you were both in the comfortable real love stage. Read up on the descriptions of it. According to some experts mutual limerence is just the first stage of every romance. It is passionate, obsessive, and all consuming. If it is not mutual then it becomes a problem. The problem is one of you can snap out of it, realize you aren't happy anymore and move on like it was nothing leaving the other confused and hurt. We've all been through it. You'll live.
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 ...everyone tells me to stick to NC but will it ever be ok for me to contact her? I'm pretty sure she would never initiate contact if only out of pride,guilt or shame. Yes, it will be OK. When you feel 100% indifference towards her. As if she was a stranger on the street. And not 1 microsecond before that!!
Ordinaryday Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It is completely normal. I feel the same way. I saw my ex the other day in the city, and she said "Hi" to me. It made me furious! she broke my heart, tore it to shreds and gave up on me when I needed her most leaving me in an almost suicidal state and leaving me completely and utterly alone, and then she has the nerve to say "hi" to me as if I am an old college bud and not some guy she ruined! feeling this way is normal, don't let anyone tell you it is not. the only advice I can give you is NEVER let them know your feelings... it will be an ego-boost for them, as in "ha, he is still hung up on me!"
Author Mik12 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Yes, it will be OK. When you feel 100% indifference towards her. As if she was a stranger on the street. And not 1 microsecond before that!! I'll probably never be that indifferent towards her... It's just crazy that 5 months later I still don't understand wtf happened. Maybe we had hit a slump as far as the passion is concerned but everything else was perfect, I don't get why she bailed, maybe it's a maturity thing we're both in our early 20's. The worst part is the guy she "rebounded" with is 2 years younger than her what's up with that. I feel so stupid for falling for her crap, when I met her she had just come out of a 1 1/2 year relationship and she just left with all her stuff without even having a breakup conversation, her previous ex never called her either which I always found odd. I was wary and wanted to take my time, I made her aware of my concerns and she reassured me telling me that it wasn't that serious of a relationship to begin with, they didn't say I love you, spend that much time together and rarely had sex, she also later found out he was sleeping around. So anyway I was satisfied with her explanation and felt confident enough to proceed. I never imagined that she would act the exact same way with me, the only difference is we had a good conversation and I know for a fact that she was still crying a month later. We had a very passionate and loving relationship why do I feel like I was put in the same category as that other guy. I don't even know what to think anymore, was I a rebound making this new guy the real deal? Was our relationship legitimate making this new guy the rebound? Are we both rebounds? I know asking all these questions is not helping but I can't stop thinking about it and I would appreciate other people's opinions. Thanks
Author Mik12 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I'll probably never be that indifferent towards her... It's just crazy that 5 months later I still don't understand wtf happened. Maybe we had hit a slump as far as the passion is concerned but everything else was perfect, I don't get why she bailed, maybe it's a maturity thing we're both in our early 20's. The worst part is the guy she "rebounded" with is 2 years younger than her what's up with that. I feel so stupid for falling for her crap, when I met her she had just come out of a 1 1/2 year relationship and she just left with all her stuff without even having a breakup conversation, her previous ex never called her either which I always found odd. I was wary and wanted to take my time, I made her aware of my concerns and she reassured me telling me that it wasn't that serious of a relationship to begin with, they didn't say I love you, spend that much time together and rarely had sex, she also later found out he was sleeping around. So anyway I was satisfied with her explanation and felt confident enough to proceed. I never imagined that she would act the exact same way with me, the only difference is we had a good conversation and I know for a fact that she was still crying a month later. We had a very passionate and loving relationship why do I feel like I was put in the same category as that other guy. I don't even know what to think anymore, was I a rebound making this new guy the real deal? Was our relationship legitimate making this new guy the rebound? Are we both rebounds? I know asking all these questions is not helping but I can't stop thinking about it and I would appreciate other people's opinions. Thanks Bump..Anyone?
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It is said (apart from the above metaphor) that Anger is like a burning coal you hurl at your enemy. First of all, you burn yourself first. Secondly, odds are you'll miss anyway. Anger is a natural emotion, but you my friend, are 'snowballing' it. To clarify, you may have the initial and original thought which triggers anger, but the emotional response directly linked to that original thought actually only lasts 12 seconds. Read that again. yes -only 12 seconds. Unfortunately, we begin to build layers upon layers of extra additional 'ingredients' which only go to prolong that emotion, and therefore, we remain angry for far longer, because we've added a lot more baggage to the original trigger. You haver to quit adding. 1
deathandtaxes Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Bump..Anyone? If you're still this upset many months later, you may wish to consider some counseling for yourself.
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Just to clarify: The “12-second” trick. Intense negative emotions are triggered in a part of the brain called the amygdala, whose function is to scan for threats to our wellbeing, and trigger the fight/flight (ie anger/fear) response. In many contexts these responses are inappropriate, and worsen the situation. When our brain is affected by a new stimulus (eg when there is a sudden bang), it responds by a surge of attention, known as the “occipital spike”, and it is during this surge that the amygdala checks out the situation. This spike only lasts about 12 seconds before fading away (assuming the stimulus is not repeated). People who respond very emotionally to certain stimuli (eg people who get very angry on trivial provocations) can learn to “contain” the response until the spike has faded. One way of doing this is to count or say the alphabet backwards, or learn and repeat a tongue-twister (silently if necessary!). Some people even visualise the spike and watch it die away. Anything that keeps the “thinking” brain engaged long enough to let the amygdala quieten down will work. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 It made me furious! she broke my heart, tore it to shreds and gave up on me when I needed her most leaving me in an almost suicidal state and leaving me completely and utterly alone, and then she has the nerve to say "hi" to me as if I am an old college bud and not some guy she ruined! This is that victim mentality I spoke of. Eventually, you will let this go and it will be a huge relief. Believe me, I get what you are saying. My ex broke up me with me 3 weeks after my mom passed away suddenly, without so much of the blink of an eye. No support. No condolences. No nothing. Whatever... I realize now that our RS was her taking a lot and giving very little. But I allowed it. It was what it was, and now it's over.
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