Trecker Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 i think I am in the same situation like a lot of people here. I think my wife is cheating on me.
KissMyTiara Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 If you think your wife is cheating on you, you'd probably be best served in the INFIDELITY forum, one click away.
mourningMM Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 There are some questions that you need to ask yourself before you take any action. Do you have proof? Do you love her? Could you forgive her? Do you have children that will be impacted by how you handle this? You need to have these answers before you jump in...and you need to do some real relationship review. Is there something wrong in the way your relationship with her is going? Are you communicating about problems? Are you ready to face the truth? Ask her. Are you afraid that she will lie? Get a PI and have her followed to get proof. Regardless, have compassion on her if she is in an affair, but hold her accountable for her actions. If it is true, try to get to a place of self control and logic before you confront her...because once the emotions take over it will get ugly. And the more ugly it gets the more difficult both reconciliation or separation will be. If she has cheated, remember SHE made the choice to do so, not the OM...
StillHurtin Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 For your sake, I hope she isn't. What gives you the idea she is cheating? I agree / KMT, try the infedelity forum, they are a great help there. As for the OM, if there is actually one, if he knows she is married he is partly to blame for her A too, not just her. It takes two.
mourningMM Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin if he knows she is married he is partly to blame for her A too, not just her. It takes two. I agree with going to the right forum...but although I hate to say this, because I'm angry and (probably unfairly) blame the OW for my ex leaving, it is the Married Spouse who is responsible for staying faithful. I spent 12 years married to a man who really never communicated with me on an emotional level. He spent all of his time working or going out with the boys or sailing...(and making friends with the OW). I was lonely at times bringing up the children without much help from him. I'm an attractive woman, and looking back over the years, I'm pretty sure that there were guys that would have been interested. BUT I HAD BLINDERS ON...It was my responsibility to keep my focus on my family so I did. During those 12 years did I ever get a crush? Of course, and how did I handle myself...I imagined the look on my husband and children's faces if they found out. Every single time, that was the image that could kill the slightest tinge of chemistry that came up. It was what I imagined I would see in the split second before he got angry...the heart-wrenching pain of someone who has been betrayed. I loved him, I couldn't be responsible for making him feel like that. I couldn't be responsible for hurting my children like that. It became second nature to avoid situations that put me in an intimate setting with men. It became standard conversation to talk about my husband and children if a man started to get too close in conversation. As a result of this self-induced brainwashing it took 6 months to actually kiss a man after he left without picturing his hurt or anger...and stopping cold in my tracks. I lost two potential relationships with nice single men because I froze and felt like I was a cheat when I let them get close to me AFTER THE SEPARATION. Fidelity is a decision. Infidelity is also a decision...and it doesn't matter whether the Other is interested or not. The married person made the commitment and is completely and totally responsible for thier own behavior. Now I can say that the OM/OW who knows about the marriage is a selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, human being. But that doesn't make them to blame for the Affair. It just makes them very sad, unfortunate, people who have made an incredibly bad choice in a romantic partner. The other person just gives the betrayer someone to build a new life with...someone to fill in the place. I can say that I don't consider a person who builds their own happiness on the pain of another a good person, but I can't say that the person's pain is their fault. It is the Betrayer's fault.
DinNJ Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Do you have proof? Shouldn't this question come first? And that question alone? and if there is proof.... then ask these.... Do you love her? Could you forgive her? Do you have children that will be impacted by how you handle this?
mourningMM Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by DinNJ Shouldn't this question come first? And that question alone? and if there is proof.... then ask these.... Yes. That is what should be the first. However regardless of the answer, whether there is proof or not, I think it is important to keep the other questions right up there. Just because there is no proof it doesn't mean that there is no affair...I think deep down people have an instinct about their significant other. I knew my ex was looking somewhere else when he stopped sneaking peaks at me when I got dressed in the morning... And just because there isn't a physical relationship, doesn't mean there isn't an emotional affair. I think that a person faced with the fear that they are being betrayed needs to think about all four answers to get grounded in what their priority needs to be in dealing with their own feelings.
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