Kingkaneda Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Ok so I've always been the stereotypical good guy: -100% honest -Being nice and considerate -Helping women with problems -Being there for them when they need me -Always text/call back -Also initiate contact -Don't play games -Only date 1 girl at a time After 2 serious relationships that ended with a "I just dont love you anymore" I have been dating 6 women the last 6 months. The ones that I really liked and wanted to start something with gave me the "you are too nice speech". It's funny because women always seem to complain about being used by bad boys and wanting to find a good guy. After these last excperiences I've really had it with being a good guy. So last week I started multidating, and not texting back fast and basically just caring a whole lot less about the women I am dating. Works like ****ing magic. They cant stop themselves from texting me even if I dont respond, and they cant wait to meet up. So you see, women are rewarding me for this kind of behaviour. I dont get hurt because I dont invest, and they seem to want to invest more and more. Good job women, you turned another good guy rogue
CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I'd rather be single than change to someone I'm not. I'll continue to keep what I've been taught at home and my values even if I'm currently having a hard time too. I will not change just because that's not what some women want. If they want a guy that is playing the ''get hard to get'' game or being a jerk, they can find someone else. I hate games. 2
Philosoraptor Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Only cowards let the actions of others change who they are. People have told me I would change who I was because of the actions of others, even some people on this site told me that I would change... I never changed. I'm now getting married to an amazing woman in less than 6 months. Had I changed I would be just as bitter as so many people around here and certainly wouldn't have won over such an amazing woman with my "changed" attitude. You may shield yourself from pain, but not being who you are naturally is just going to attract the wrong types of people to your life. Allowing yourself to let the actions of others change you is just the cowards way out... and doesn't yield the reward you want... just protects you from the pain you're afraid of. 5
Targetlock Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I'm not changing who i am just to get dates, that is low behaviour and a betrayal of my values and ideas. 1
GoreSP Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 You know when you are doing this, you are doing to good girls what other women have been doing to goody guy you. And I'm one of those good girls and it ****in' sucks when a guy starts doing this kind of crap. The thing with guys like you (and I know because I'm a little like this too) is that you go on one or two dates and decide right away that you 'really like the girl'. However, when she decides after a few more dates that she isn't that into you, you get all 'boohoo women don't know what they want blahblahblah' So go on dates and take a little more casually - without turning into an ass - please! 3
Shepp Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 You get a date, well done - if thats what your after? Notches on the bed post from girls you think are shallow. If your after a serious relationship with a girl you respect then i doubt how effective this would be. But regardless of that, how do you feel about the guy in mirror? Do you respect him? Or do you think him weak for selling out on himself so easily? At least i can say that every good thing I've ever done as well as every bad thing ive ever done ive done because I honestly believe in it. Do you honestly not feel like you've just sold out on your morals? Theres always that one kid at school who changes his football team to whoevers winning or whoever the most people in the class support? How do you look at him? I always found it pathetic. I behind his back, so did everybody else. 1
CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Everyone here is giving you stupid advice. Many people will sell out for riches, let's keep it real, I don't care y'all think you are special little snowflakes. Do what you can to be happy in life. You are going to die soon enough, so savour the moment.Even if it came to that extreme and I had no luck, at least I would die with my morals intacted and actually feel good about myself that I have no shame in doing the right thing even if that didn't work out. 1
Shepp Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Do what you can to be happy in life. You are going to die soon enough, so savour the moment. I agree! For some people 'being happy' entails having self respect..........for others not so. 2
regine_phalange Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I gave it to kaylan, and I give it to you too (as a bad boy you wont mind); How can I remember what girl I will see today If tomorrow she'll be gone? Now I'm a pretender in a special kind of way I've been living like James Bond. The situation now will never change Infatuation has gone out of range. This is my life and I don't want to see it die. Bad boy, I wanna be a bad boy If it means I will enjoy every day now. Bad boy, I'm gonna be a bad boy If I can play with my toy and get my own way now.
BlametheIrish Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 The kind of women that put up with bad boys are not emotionally healthy. So instead of staying on track and waiting for the,right woman to come around, you decided to become a jerk and now,have many women with low self esteem wondering when you'll call. A real "nice guy" wouldn't compromise his beliefs for a piece of ass. 2
Author Kingkaneda Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Haha wow, so much anger and judgement. And offcourse I dont care about a bunch of meaningless dates and sex. I do want to find that girl that really fits me and stays with me. But in order to find that girl I change my dating-game to increase my chances. My old dating-game was this: date 1 girl, give her lots and lots of attention. Result more often than not after a few weeks: too nice, doesnt work blabla So I wasted several weeks on 1 girl and then felt like **** afterward. My new dating game is this: date several girls, give them less attention and see with wich of those girls I have the best connection. And wich of those girls makes an effort towards me. This way I can go through so many girls compared to the old way, and statistically my chances of finding the right girl increases a lot. Im not being a total jackass that tells a girl that we are in a relationship and then continue to sleep with other girls. I just spread the love a little more and dont commit my love too soon like I used to.
Shepp Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) My old dating-game was this: date 1 girl, give her lots and lots of attention. Result more often than not after a few weeks: too nice, doesnt work blabla So I wasted several weeks on 1 girl and then felt like **** afterward. If this is what your doing/were doing then 'too nice' is simply code for 'coming on too strong'. This way I can go through so many girls compared to the old way, and statistically my chances of finding the right girl increases a lot. Your also more likely to miss the hidden diamond cause your rushing and constantly comparing - the grass wil always be greener. girl X will always do something better the girl Y who does something better than girl Z who does something better than girl X. Quality not quantity. Edited January 9, 2014 by Shepp 3
Sand Man Dan Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Only cowards let the actions of others change who they are. People have told me I would change who I was because of the actions of others, even some people on this site told me that I would change... I never changed. I'm now getting married to an amazing woman in less than 6 months. Had I changed I would be just as bitter as so many people around here and certainly wouldn't have won over such an amazing woman with my "changed" attitude. You may shield yourself from pain, but not being who you are naturally is just going to attract the wrong types of people to your life. Allowing yourself to let the actions of others change you is just the cowards way out... and doesn't yield the reward you want... just protects you from the pain you're afraid of. Raptor...great speech, but you forgot one scenario: what about the people who cannot attract anyone by being themselves, so they attract SOMEBODY by being who they're not Those people, you can't say **** about them deciding to change because it was the only choice they had. And even with this scenario, they never find true love. So honestly I see exactly where he is coming from.
Sand Man Dan Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) Raptor...great speech, but you forgot one scenario: what about the people who cannot attract anyone by being themselves, so they attract SOMEBODY by being who they're not Those people, you can't say **** about them deciding to change because it was the only choice they had. And even with this scenario, they never find true love. So honestly I see exactly where he is coming from. And you know what? I ****ing hate multi dating. I don't do it. I'm one of those that WILL stick to his morals, I could use my friend Ali for sex so hard right now but I don't because its wrong and would be unfair to her. But those that decide enough is enough, and decide to make SOMETHING ANYTHING happen, you can't say that you don't see where they are coming from. Maybe we all have to wake up one day and realize that the pretty flowery moral arguments are just antiquated ideals of love that simply don't fit the current modus operandi of the dating meta game. Maybe, what we want to believe, SO BADLY, that if you stay true to yourself and virtues etc it will be rewarded, is just wrong. I know it's threatening to think but **** if something isn't working then don't just hope it fixes itself. It can be egotistically threatening to think this way but maybe we are just all self deluded and society has passed us and our silly ideals right on by. Edited January 9, 2014 by Sand Man Dan
Philosoraptor Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Raptor...great speech, but you forgot one scenario: what about the people who cannot attract anyone by being themselves, so they attract SOMEBODY by being who they're not Those people, you can't say **** about them deciding to change because it was the only choice they had. And even with this scenario, they never find true love. So honestly I see exactly where he is coming from. Those people are making mistakes themselves. "Looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces". You need to be where the people who would be attracted to you would congregate. Anyone confident in who they are will have no issue finding a compatible mate. There are horribly handicapped and disfigured people out there that find happy and healthy relationships. Anyone who feels "I can not attract someone by being myself" is already exuding the stink of low confidence and unhappiness which is not attractive. Falsifying yourself will not bring about a happy relationship. On one side you have a partner feeling that the person is not attracted to the real them and the other side will feel duped by being presented a fake person.
regine_phalange Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Raptor...great speech, but you forgot one scenario: what about the people who cannot attract anyone by being themselves, so they attract SOMEBODY by being who they're not Those people, you can't say **** about them deciding to change because it was the only choice they had. And even with this scenario, they never find true love. So honestly I see exactly where he is coming from. I will tell you something from my experience. My ex was a good guy turned "bad". His girlfriend before me, insulted his masculinity very much (he had temporary financial problems, clients owing him big money, and she was annoyed with that). He still regrets playing the bad boy... In the beginning he multidated without telling me, was also making some very insecure comments about other women. I was calm, I didn't expect much because I was very unstable emotionally after my last relationship. At the same time he kept coming around me, initiating contact, asking me out all the time. He thought he was a bad boy; I thought he was as unstable as I was, and started getting on my nerves. One day we went out together. He came to pick me up by my house. I was late 1 hour because he didn't ring my bell, and my phone was off (he was calling me to come down). When I went to his car, he was very angry. I was also very upset that I made him wait, so upset that my decolette became all red (happens to me when Im afraid or upset about something). Then I opened my mouth and he saw a bit of lipstick on my tooth. He immediately calmed down when he saw me like this. Started laughing and hugged me. After some months he admitted that this was the moment he realized that he loved me. After this, he was the best boyfriend ever. Very attentive, very affectionate, the sex was out of this world, our small trips were amazing, he was really close to me during a health problem, like a husband almost. I could feel that he really loved me. Everything was nice, until I found out he cheated on me with a ONS some months after we started dating each other. Nothing was the same after this moment. I loved him very much, I still do, but I couldnt handle it. He was so sorry. Very sorry. He tried, I tried to make it work. He would drive 1 hour because I was thinking about it and was upset. It had no result. I broke up with him more than 30 times (ridiculous, I know. But I was confused). I started attacking him verbally. I hated it. What was left was two sad people just not being able to be together. And for what? Because he wanted to play "bad boy". After this, we have hundred's of missed calls and e-mails, flowers and handmade things that went to the trash. He bought me things from his trip and he never gave them to me. As he said, I was "one in a lifetime" for him, but for me nothing was the same after I found out about what he did behind my back. Think twice about being a "bad boy" because it can come back and hit you, like a boomerang.
Scales Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I can't believe what I am reading on here. What is OP supposed to do? keep doing the same thing over and over and expect results based on who he is talking to. This is like telling a fat person not to lose weight because "It betrays who they are". This change is about eliminating unsuccessful and all around detrimental behavior in order to become better. Being an overly nice guy kills all attraction. Its much smarter to multi-date because it gives you control over your own dating situation. Girls and guys do it all the time, and I see nothing wrong with it. OP eliminated his insecure and ineffective behavior, and found success. He is happy about it. I would also like someone to explain how change automatically betrays your own self. I would argue that OP is changing into a "bad boy" and is enjoying it. If he enjoys it more than his old self, has he not changed into who he is meant to be? is he not more authentic in this persona? You guys would yell at an olympic athlete who used to be obese because its not their identity. You define who you want to be, everyone's opinion about it is moot if you are happy about it and achieving success. OP, you have made the right steps to understanding dating and women in general. Run with your progress and don't look back. You can always choose to go back to being a "nice guy" if it turns out bad. It won't though. 3
tlegend Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Don't become a "badboy", Kingkaneda. I feel very strongly about this subject, and I will tell you exactly where it gets you: nowhere. Many men, including myself, find one or a few more relationships riddled with infidelity and disrespect. It may hurt even more when you fell in love with the person that did this to you. I met someone and opened up my heart many years ago only to find out the person I fell in love with was a lie. She had been sleeping with my roommate, she had hit on a few on my friends, and it even went as far as watching her grope some guy while not even realizing I was watching. It devastated me. It left a mark that, to this day, will never heal. I became a "badboy" shortly after. Girls in problematic relationships? I would sleep with them. Girls looking to score outside their marriage? I would sleep with them. Desperate girls at the bar who look so much better at 2AM rather than 9PM? I would sleep with them. I became a wreck and I only hurt myself in the process. The thing is, being a "badboy" gets you laid. That's it. It doesn't form genuine bonds with people. It doesn't make you a "good guy" that women are looking forward to settling down with. It doesn't make you desireable. It makes you conceited, shallow, and selfish. You want to find women who appreciate nice guys? Go find them. But if it doesn't work out, don't take it personally. Take it as another chance to find someone who is going to be there for you the same way you want to be there for her. It may take 100 girls before you find her. It may take 1000 girls. But she's out there, don't give up. And don't change into something she isn't looking for, because if you get the chance to meet her in life, do you really want to miss the opportunity to be with her because you were too busy trying to be a "badboy" to get over an ex? I didn't think so. 3
GoreSP Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I like to compare people on online dating to meeting people in the real world (through friends, at parties, at the grocery store etc etc etc) Not everyone you meet in real life is attracted to you. Therefore the same applies to online dating. The fact OP dated 6 people in the last months is not enough to decide he is doing wrong. He could have as well met these women outside the OLD sites and it would have turned out the same. Just because someone is on a dating site, it doesn't meet they'll automatically fall for whoever contacts them that they agree to meet. I don't think this is a good enough reason to change his 'technique' just yet. Also, Scales, you can't really compare a physical trait to a personality trait... 2
Scales Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Also, Scales, you can't really compare a physical trait to a personality trait... I can when the physical situation is caused by negative behavior. Being a "nice guy" to women where you supplicate their needs, overly invest emotionally, and do nice things for them without the return is destructive to your dating life. Much like eating 4 cheeseburgers for breakfast isn't going to help you lose weight and keeps you obese. I am stating that I think the only way OP can learn how to be successful with women is to experiment. Change is necessary for him. He can keep on telling himself to keep being him in hopes of finding the needle in the hay stack all the while never getting laid, or you can compete, play the field, and at least get laid searching for your next girlfriend. OP has stated numerous times his goal is still a relationship. Not even what I would place in the realm of being a "bad boy" yet. 1
MrCastle Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I can't believe what I am reading on here. What is OP supposed to do? keep doing the same thing over and over and expect results based on who he is talking to. This is like telling a fat person not to lose weight because "It betrays who they are". This change is about eliminating unsuccessful and all around detrimental behavior in order to become better. Being an overly nice guy kills all attraction. Its much smarter to multi-date because it gives you control over your own dating situation. Girls and guys do it all the time, and I see nothing wrong with it. OP eliminated his insecure and ineffective behavior, and found success. He is happy about it. I would also like someone to explain how change automatically betrays your own self. I would argue that OP is changing into a "bad boy" and is enjoying it. If he enjoys it more than his old self, has he not changed into who he is meant to be? is he not more authentic in this persona? You guys would yell at an olympic athlete who used to be obese because its not their identity. You define who you want to be, everyone's opinion about it is moot if you are happy about it and achieving success. OP, you have made the right steps to understanding dating and women in general. Run with your progress and don't look back. You can always choose to go back to being a "nice guy" if it turns out bad. It won't though. ****ing took 20 posts to get here? Smh. Spot on, and I would also add that OP is not "bad" by any means. Unless of course these women don't know he's multi dating and seeing other women -- and he's leading them all on and letting them think they're the only one -- then that's f*cked up. Aside from that, I see no lying, cheating, or abusive behavior on his part. What I do see, is a guy who finally "got it." He finally understood how dating works. If more women would have treated him, or the millions of other former "nice guys" differently, this wouldn't happen. And the pick up artist world wouldn't exist. However, don't take this as a slight ladies. I don't blame women as I feel attraction at its core is biological. There are certain traits most men and women can't help but be attracted to. Confidence is one of them. Masculinity is another. OP was not acting like a man in his previous life. He was turning girls off by being too emotional and clingy. Now he's altered the way he handles women and is seeing results. I see nothing wrong with that. Again, if he was doing underhanded sh*t to these women, I'd pick up a torch and pitchfork and join the rest of you -- but all I see is a guy who was unhappy with his dating life, looked deep inside, realized he was the problem, and corrected the problem. No one has gotten hurt as a result. 5
Frank2thepoint Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I agree with Scales and MrCastle. Kingkaneda is doing something about his dating tactics. You have to try to tweak yourself to remain relevant and attractive, but not change who you are at the core. As long as he is looking for a serious relationship without screwing anyone over, then more power to him and I wish him success. Same goes even in a serious relationship. Members have to keep growing individually and together to keep the momentum of the relationship going.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I was also very upset that I made him wait, so upset that my decolette became all red (happens to me when Im afraid or upset about something) So this is the name of that nice delicious area of a woman that I like to nibble on. Learn something new everyday
tlegend Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 ****ing took 20 posts to get here? Smh. Spot on, and I would also add that OP is not "bad" by any means. Unless of course these women don't know he's multi dating and seeing other women -- and he's leading them all on and letting them think they're the only one -- then that's f*cked up. Aside from that, I see no lying, cheating, or abusive behavior on his part. What I do see, is a guy who finally "got it." He finally understood how dating works. If more women would have treated him, or the millions of other former "nice guys" differently, this wouldn't happen. And the pick up artist world wouldn't exist. However, don't take this as a slight ladies. I don't blame women as I feel attraction at its core is biological. There are certain traits most men and women can't help but be attracted to. Confidence is one of them. Masculinity is another. OP was not acting like a man in his previous life. He was turning girls off by being too emotional and clingy. Now he's altered the way he handles women and is seeing results. I see nothing wrong with that. Again, if he was doing underhanded sh*t to these women, I'd pick up a torch and pitchfork and join the rest of you -- but all I see is a guy who was unhappy with his dating life, looked deep inside, realized he was the problem, and corrected the problem. No one has gotten hurt as a result. Well said.
Easyguy14 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Ok so I've always been the stereotypical good guy: -100% honest -Being nice and considerate -Helping women with problems -Being there for them when they need me -Always text/call back -Also initiate contact -Don't play games -Only date 1 girl at a time After 2 serious relationships that ended with a "I just dont love you anymore" I have been dating 6 women the last 6 months. The ones that I really liked and wanted to start something with gave me the "you are too nice speech". It's funny because women always seem to complain about being used by bad boys and wanting to find a good guy. After these last excperiences I've really had it with being a good guy. So last week I started multidating, and not texting back fast and basically just caring a whole lot less about the women I am dating. Works like ****ing magic. They cant stop themselves from texting me even if I dont respond, and they cant wait to meet up. So you see, women are rewarding me for this kind of behaviour. I dont get hurt because I dont invest, and they seem to want to invest more and more. Good job women, you turned another good guy rogue Yea it does seem that women never mean what they or say what they mean .
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