will-ow Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I was a BS. The easy option would be to place all the blame on the OW - how could she do that to another woman? or on my xH - how could he do that to me? But I acknowledge that I must also take a share of the blame because I allowed my marriage to reach a place where my H looke to other peple for needs that weren't being met within the marriage. With the greates respect to other folk on this forum, it makes me sad and a little frustrated to see so many other BS apparently unwilling to consider this angle. thoughts?
Iguanna Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Well there isn't any universal rule for these situations. I would definitely say though that all 3 of the parts are to blame, some more and some less. In my opinion, the spouse who cheats is the one who is to blame more, only due to the reason that he/she is the one who hurts the most people he/she loves (spouse, kids, AP). 1
katielee Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I was a BS. The easy option would be to place all the blame on the OW - how could she do that to another woman? or on my xH - how could he do that to me? But I acknowledge that I must also take a share of the blame because I allowed my marriage to reach a place where my H looke to other peple for needs that weren't being met within the marriage. With the greates respect to other folk on this forum, it makes me sad and a little frustrated to see so many other BS apparently unwilling to consider this angle. thoughts? If someone's needs aren't being met it gives them no right to cheat, I suppose that's why you see so many people not agreeing with your "angle." you were in the same marriage. You didn't cheat. The blame rests solely on the perpetrator - your husband... 6
waterwoman Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 It makes you sad? Really? It please me that most don't by and large end up accepting an insult to add to the injury because it seems to me that more often than not BS twist themselves into knots trying to work out what they did wrong. I did. I spend most of the time since dday trying to find a way to make it all my fault, because if it was maybe there was something simply I could do to make it right. I am a control freak, I admit it. I don't like my life being out of control. But here's the thing! I cannot see a single thing I could have done to stop the A. Nothing. I look at the woman I was before the A and I see a depressed, exhausted, demoralised woman carrying the world on her shoulders with an H who simply wouldn't or could step up to be the helpmeet, the partner he was supposed to be. I had long ago stopped calling him on his selfishness, asking him to do more, pleading for support. I had done this so many times and it made no difference, I had carried him logisitically, financially and emotionally for years and years. HE had worn me down. HE had done this to me. My only fault lay in not persisting in trying to make him grow the eff up or having the guts to actuially kick him out! But I was too tired to deal with it after al those years. Was i sexy, fascinating, appealing? Probaby not. Is a floor mop sexy? is a dish towel fascinating? And along came OW ready-loaded to worship the ground H walked on. H admits that I was not to blame. He won't allow me to take the blame because now he can see what he was doing to me. He is finally seeing his FOO issues need addressing, He can finally see just how much damage he has done to me and the family with his actions, pre and during the affair. if I had carried on with the sort of self-punishment and constant questioning I was inflicting on myself after dday I might well have left, or topped myself. Honestly it was that bad because I was trying to solve an equation without a solution that I could ever find. The solution lay with H. It was his to solve, not mine. He is doing it. And even IF my actions had driven him to cheat, if our marriage was so very bad, when does an affair help to fix that? There are other less traumatic solutions - an affair is a tsunami to clear some litter of a beach. 9
harrybrown Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 None of us are perfect. Yes, I am not the perfect best husband. But that does not mean I deserve her cheating. She had other options 3 years ago, after 36 years of marriage. And she still thinks it is a wonderful marriage? Maybe for her, but she killed it all when she cheated. The rest of the marriage feels like a fake. The entire marriage. 3
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I was a BS. The easy option would be to place all the blame on the OW - how could she do that to another woman? or on my xH - how could he do that to me? But I acknowledge that I must also take a share of the blame because I allowed my marriage to reach a place where my H looke to other peple for needs that weren't being met within the marriage. With the greates respect to other folk on this forum, it makes me sad and a little frustrated to see so many other BS apparently unwilling to consider this angle. thoughts? Spouses cheat because they are either pushed away, pulled to AP, or combination of both. As far as my WW's situation, she cheated because she wanted to. It was not due to a "bad" marriage or a "bad" spouse. She was attracted to OM, and her bad (non-existent) boundaries allowed her to be drawn into the affair. (An other factors) One of my good friends is a BH. His story is similar: good marriage but his wife wanted to try some strange love and got busted. He divorced her. An ex-friend left his wife and kids for his secretary. Their marriage seemed good enough, but he is very narcissistic. I think he just divorced wife #2 (OW #1). Sometimes the marriage is broken, and sometimes the person (cheater) is broken. In my situation my wife was broken, not the marriage. I also lay some blame on the OM. He's culpable for his decisions as well. 6
tiredofitall2 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) You can be at fault and help in causing a divorce, but cheating is a selfish act and typically not done with the intention of the BS ever finding out. So it is a deception. It doesn't sound like the logical reaction to marital problems. The truth is that many will engage in affairs, but the reason why is because we are weak. Sure if there are weaknesses in the marriage it can definitely facilitate the reasoning in the WS to engage in t A. Bit that decision is solely on the WS NOT on the BS. It's almost as if saying that one is guilty for having a thief break in to your house because you constantly ignored the danger signs and did not equip your house with an alarm system or better security. Well perhaps you were somewhat irresponsible with your house or even careless, but the robbery is n the thief not on you. Edited January 9, 2014 by tiredofitall2 3
parlour_pete Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) disagree with original post. there are plenty of instances where the WS, before participating in an affair, could say "let's fix this marriage" or "let's get a divorce". was I completely satisfied 100% in my marriage? no. was I completely 100% faithful? yes. will-ow...don't sell yourself short on this one. he could have came to you & asked to fix it whatever he felt was broken. Edited January 9, 2014 by parlour_pete 3
Ap22 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Let me tell you something OP, My wife had a loving husband at home who did all I could for her. She was always put before myself. I tried to spend time with her, give her attention, and let her know she was loved. Was I the perfect husband? Of course not, no one is. I did see my faults and tried every day to correct them and always strived to be a better man, husband, and father. During my wifes affair, she was a complete B. She placed all her guilt and issues onto me. She would start an argument over the littlest thing and then blame me for the argument. Sex was down to a trickle and when I did get it, it was just duty sex to shut me up. No passion, no love, she hardly did anything for me. By her own admission, she had shut me out of her heart. She had an affair with a low life scumbag because thats the best she thinks she can do. So you're gonna sit here and try to say I played a part in her affair? Who do you think wasnt doing their part in the marriage? Cheating is never justified, but playing devils advocate, I was the one who had justification for cheating. No, cheating is all about one person being selfish and putting their desires above everyone elses. 6
William Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 As the thread starter requested to have their participation here ended, and that was approved, no further responses from them will be forthcoming, but members are invited to discuss the main topic, which is a betrayed spouse accepting responsibility for their role in their marriage, as outlined in this quote: "But I acknowledge that I must also take a share of the blame because I allowed my marriage to reach a place where my H look to other peple for needs that weren't being met within the marriage." Thank you!
underwater2010 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Each marriage is different but I can only comment on my own. After many circles and banging my head trying to figure out what "caused" my husband to cheat, here is what it boiled down to: I simply wasn't listening close enough. There I said it. He simply wanted someone in his bed when he woke up in the morning. Unfortunately, I worked an overnight job trying to make ends meet. There is nothing I could have done at the time to change it. Does that mean that I am to blame for the affair....hell no. He cheated because he was selfish. He cheated because he had a willing participant. He did not lie to her about his martial status. Therefore two people are to blame.....WH and his MOW. 50/50. No more, no less. 3
experiencethedevine Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 It makes you sad? Really? It please me that most don't by and large end up accepting an insult to add to the injury because it seems to me that more often than not BS twist themselves into knots trying to work out what they did wrong. I did. I spend most of the time since dday trying to find a way to make it all my fault, because if it was maybe there was something simply I could do to make it right. I am a control freak, I admit it. I don't like my life being out of control. But here's the thing! I cannot see a single thing I could have done to stop the A. Nothing. I look at the woman I was before the A and I see a depressed, exhausted, demoralised woman carrying the world on her shoulders with an H who simply wouldn't or could step up to be the helpmeet, the partner he was supposed to be. I had long ago stopped calling him on his selfishness, asking him to do more, pleading for support. I had done this so many times and it made no difference, I had carried him logisitically, financially and emotionally for years and years. HE had worn me down. HE had done this to me. My only fault lay in not persisting in trying to make him grow the eff up or having the guts to actuially kick him out! But I was too tired to deal with it after al those years. Was i sexy, fascinating, appealing? Probaby not. Is a floor mop sexy? is a dish towel fascinating? And along came OW ready-loaded to worship the ground H walked on. H admits that I was not to blame. He won't allow me to take the blame because now he can see what he was doing to me. He is finally seeing his FOO issues need addressing, He can finally see just how much damage he has done to me and the family with his actions, pre and during the affair. if I had carried on with the sort of self-punishment and constant questioning I was inflicting on myself after dday I might well have left, or topped myself. Honestly it was that bad because I was trying to solve an equation without a solution that I could ever find. The solution lay with H. It was his to solve, not mine. He is doing it. And even IF my actions had driven him to cheat, if our marriage was so very bad, when does an affair help to fix that? There are other less traumatic solutions - an affair is a tsunami to clear some litter of a beach. Most emphatically, as the above, I take absolutely no responsibility for my husbands 'decision' to betray me. None. He was conflict avoidant, and refused to address the logistical difficulties we were experiencing at the time and 'chose' to avert his attention elsewhere to relieve his frustration. It made not a jot of difference what I did or did not do, and I am in no way responsible for his actions. He also told me after dday that I was not to blame for his decision to have an affair.........................................
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I was a BS. The easy option would be to place all the blame on the OW - how could she do that to another woman? or on my xH - how could he do that to me? But I acknowledge that I must also take a share of the blame because I allowed my marriage to reach a place where my H looke to other peple for needs that weren't being met within the marriage. With the greates respect to other folk on this forum, it makes me sad and a little frustrated to see so many other BS apparently unwilling to consider this angle. thoughts? A BS is responsible for some of the problems or issues in the marriage, she/he is not responsible for their WS's choice to have an affair. That is all on the WS and AP. BS's that I've read on here, DO and HAVE owned their part in the marriage problems, rightfully so..But it is not a BS's fault that the WS cheated. That's poor coping skills, making bad choices..again NOT the BS's fault. 1
krazikat Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 We are each responsible for our own actions. This is true. Before and during the A, my h was drinking out of control. Daily. Vodka was his morning coffee. So yes, I had much anger about this and had no idea how to deal being young and overwhelmed. I worked full time, went to school full time. He was home as the stay at home parent as our youngest has medical issues. There was much at play and much he used to justify his cheating....but heck no I was absolutely not to blame for his cheating. Did he have unmet needs? Yes. As did I. And I never cheated. Cheaters are usually the only ones who use this method of justification. OP is now an OW and this may be her thought process to justify being ow. Which I find sad.
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 The issue most have is when the people involved in an affair want to tie both the marriage and the affair together. In the marriage both parties are participants. In an affair it is the WS and AP. Only those involved can take responsibility for their part. Being that the BS is NOT part of the affair, they have zero culpability. It's really that simple. 7
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 A BS is responsible for some of the problems or issues in the marriage, she/he is not responsible for their WS's choice to have an affair. That is all on the WS and AP. BS's that I've read on here, DO and HAVE owned their part in the marriage problems, rightfully so..But it is not a BS's fault that the WS cheated. That's poor coping skills, making bad choices..again NOT the BS's fault. And may I add that the BS can NOT own their part in the fractured marriage if the wayward spouse does NOT communicate to the BS that there is a problem. Whatever marital problems that the affair exposed, was not communicated to me for another 8+ years. How can I take responsibility for problems in the marriage if I was not aware of them. Many WSs are conflict-avoiders. 1
bwright42tx Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 If someone's needs aren't being met it gives them no right to cheat, I suppose that's why you see so many people not agreeing with your "angle." you were in the same marriage. You didn't cheat. The blame rests solely on the perpetrator - your husband... This ^^^^^^, you can all share blame for the problems in the marriage, but that doesn't give a license to cheat. However as a BS it does behoove you to evaluate your part of the equation (not the cheating) for future relationships.
Furious Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I was a BS. The easy option would be to place all the blame on the OW - how could she do that to another woman? or on my xH - how could he do that to me? But I acknowledge that I must also take a share of the blame because I allowed my marriage to reach a place where my H looke to other peple for needs that weren't being met within the marriage. With the greates respect to other folk on this forum, it makes me sad and a little frustrated to see so many other BS apparently unwilling to consider this angle. thoughts? It's astounding how many betrayed spouses become affair partners. It's sad that you believe you may have "caused" your ex-husband to cheat on you. For sure,you may have been the the cause for him to divorce you, but I hope you realize you had no cause on his choice to cheat on you. I guess, the concept of you "if you can't beat, join them" is a coping mechanism and sadly some people do unto others which they would never want to be done to them. I can't wrap my head around how a betrayed spouse then becomes an OW/OM but cannot see the hypocrisy. I own my strengths and weaknesses, but I will never own being the cause or reason to be lied to and deceived. I cannot imagine saying to my daughter or son who came to me heartbroken over being cheated on and say that they invited or caused infidelity. I believe there's cause for divorce, but never cause for being cheated on and lied to. 3
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Thank you!!! It makes you sad? Really? It please me that most don't by and large end up accepting an insult to add to the injury because it seems to me that more often than not BS twist themselves into knots trying to work out what they did wrong. I did. I spend most of the time since dday trying to find a way to make it all my fault, because if it was maybe there was something simply I could do to make it right. I am a control freak, I admit it. I don't like my life being out of control. But here's the thing! I cannot see a single thing I could have done to stop the A. Nothing. I look at the woman I was before the A and I see a depressed, exhausted, demoralised woman carrying the world on her shoulders with an H who simply wouldn't or could step up to be the helpmeet, the partner he was supposed to be. I had long ago stopped calling him on his selfishness, asking him to do more, pleading for support. I had done this so many times and it made no difference, I had carried him logisitically, financially and emotionally for years and years. HE had worn me down. HE had done this to me. My only fault lay in not persisting in trying to make him grow the eff up or having the guts to actuially kick him out! But I was too tired to deal with it after al those years. Was i sexy, fascinating, appealing? Probaby not. Is a floor mop sexy? is a dish towel fascinating? And along came OW ready-loaded to worship the ground H walked on. H admits that I was not to blame. He won't allow me to take the blame because now he can see what he was doing to me. He is finally seeing his FOO issues need addressing, He can finally see just how much damage he has done to me and the family with his actions, pre and during the affair. if I had carried on with the sort of self-punishment and constant questioning I was inflicting on myself after dday I might well have left, or topped myself. Honestly it was that bad because I was trying to solve an equation without a solution that I could ever find. The solution lay with H. It was his to solve, not mine. He is doing it. And even IF my actions had driven him to cheat, if our marriage was so very bad, when does an affair help to fix that? There are other less traumatic solutions - an affair is a tsunami to clear some litter of a beach.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I couldn't believe all the crap WS said was my fault after th affairand why he did it....he NEVER told me he was upset by any of it and decided o blame me for what he did by expecting me to read his mind that he was upset. It as so infuriating and over and over I have told him this.He now realizes he was wrong to do that when I first found out but dang, that was so freaking annoying. I blamed myself and cried and said what a horrible wife I was, but I didn't even know he had shoved this stuff so far down he was now resenting me and had for years.He acted like he never wanted me but turned on me and told me that's how he had felt!WHAT?! Gah! So frustrating! and yes, we are now changing that! And may I add that the BS can NOT own their part in the fractured marriage if the wayward spouse does NOT communicate to the BS that there is a problem. Whatever marital problems that the affair exposed, was not communicated to me for another 8+ years. How can I take responsibility for problems in the marriage if I was not aware of them. Many WSs are conflict-avoiders.
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