John83 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Hello im new here i found this place after several sleepless nights trying to search for an answer. After a magical christmas holiday period with my 2 kids and gf of 7 years she announced she wanted me to leave on monday. This was a massive shock but she claims to have felt like this a long time. I was shocked and angry and in desperation i took my 4 year old daughter and tried to take my 6 year old son but he was very upset as had heard everrything and didnt want me to leave and went to stay at parents house as had nowhere else to turn. I took my daughter to school next day and picked the both of them up after school and had to give them back after a few hours. The last two nights without them has been unbearable, they are my world and my sole purpouse in live is to do the very best for them and make sure tehey get all the love in the world from their dad. I have been promised joint custody but to me that is still missing out on 50% of you kids growing up. Went over to pick up a few things and she said she needed time to think. Told me just to take a few bits of clothes for now. Thing is she is treating me so cold as if im the one who wanted this. I have acknoledged that a lot of this is my fault, i became stuck in a rut and i never showed her any emotion. Its taken this to see my faults, which i have told her i will put right.ii suffered from a chronic illness for 14 year which was finally cured by surgery 2 years ago but since have been left with low testosterone which plays havoc with moods but getting on trt in the uk is a nightmare and am having to go the self administerd route but the whole thing has been massiveley influential as she has been living witb a depressed, soft bad tempered imposter for last few years. I have my kids from tonite till monday which will be great but i feel so bad for them they should have their family around. Im stuggling to understand this. I sense she is shutting down her feelings by talking to her, she refuses to accept that there is a lot to lose and to not even try would be a waste wspecially for the kids. This is becoming too much to handle, thank god i get to see my kids tonight. .
Philosoraptor Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 All you can do right now is take care of yourself and your kids, that needs to be your focus. Your now ex will go through emotions herself and coldness is just one of the many ways she will express them. Focus on your kids and trying to extract every little bit of happiness you can out of life right now. All you can control is your actions and right now you need to be strong for yourself and for the little ones. 2
Author John83 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Thank you for your reply. I guess i need to be gratefull for my time with my kids.time spent with them is my number 1 activity always has been and cannot wait to pick them up from school in a few hours. I just feel desperate for an answer from her, id love to try again but if its an impossibility i need to start making new a life for me and the kids. But when i ask for my possestion she wants to hold off me getting them for now. Never wanted anything more in my life than for my family back together. Wish i realised this earlier.
Iguanna Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 It's really hard and tiring to live with a person who has ups and downs in their mood and behavior, it requires a lot of patience and love to be able to take it. I guess her patience has come to an end and she doesn't want to try anymore. There is a chance she has met someone new and she may want a new chance in life. Is there any way you can fix your mood swings? Any medicine, any treatment? I suggest you let some days pass to let her calm down and then meet her and have an open discussion about why she wants to do that, how she feels and what you can do to make things better. Share your concerns about the kids with her, tell her that you want them to have their family around and try to find solutions. If you really believe her problem is your medical condition, try to find some solution there. Other than that, I'm sorry you are going through this, you seem like a good dad and only God knows how much I appreciate a good dad. I'm sure you will find the correct solution for everyone. Take care, good luck.
Author John83 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 It's really hard and tiring to live with a person who has ups and downs in their mood and behavior, it requires a lot of patience and love to be able to take it. I guess her patience has come to an end and she doesn't want to try anymore. There is a chance she has met someone new and she may want a new chance in life. Is there any way you can fix your mood swings? Any medicine, any treatment? I suggest you let some days pass to let her calm down and then meet her and have an open discussion about why she wants to do that, how she feels and what you can do to make things better. Share your concerns about the kids with her, tell her that you want them to have their family around and try to find solutions. If you really believe her problem is your medical condition, try to find some solution there. Other than that, I'm sorry you are going through this, you seem like a good dad and only God knows how much I appreciate a good dad. I'm sure you will find the correct solution for everyone. Take care, good luck. I can totally understand what she has had to put up with and now i can see it clearer than ever. The operation cured my long term medical condition (colitis) yet the years of medication and after the operation left me with low male hormone levels which plays havoc with mod swings ect as well as low sex drive and feeling less of a man sort of like a male version of menopause lol. For whatever reason uk doctors are reluctant to perscripe hormone replacement therapy in men. I got diagnosed by my gp in october but the edo doctor refused to adminster hrt. Im not completley blaming this as it was me who allowed myself to get into a depressed rut with life and know i should have appriciated her far more.
Iguanna Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 You can't change the past, only the present and the future. Talk to your gf, explain to her how you feel, ask her how she feels, solve this together. Visit some more doctors, take other opinions, but firstly and mainly let her know you love her and you are willing to fight for this. 2
Author John83 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 i have told her that i have realised how much i love her and that id do anything for a chance to prove to her i can be better. Either way at least i got a wake up call. Ball is in her court now. Things feel great now that the kids are here still feel we should qll be together in our family home. Maybe she will look at things different now she has to endure the torture of not having the kids around. Thank you for input its a great help and comfort.
Author John83 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 I have suggested this also but she is so unwilling to try. Keeps saying she needs space and time. I just want to explore every option to make it work. Its a lot to throw away. Had to share a bed with the 2 kids last night as my 4 year old girl wouldnt sleep and it was massively comforting. Its a shame your dreams take so long to adjust and you still dream of family life, even the first few seconds when you wake up when all feels well then reality sets in and its a massive come down. Am absolutley dreading handing the kids back.
Haydn Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Sorry to hear all this. I am also a single dad. Give her the space she asked for. Be cordial and the kids come first. Work on getting yourself back into as much of a positive frame as you can at this stage. If you can come to a concrete arrangement about the kids then thats half the battle. Try to see there is a world without her and you can move with this. Your happiness will reflect on the kids. Good luck I have suggested this also but she is so unwilling to try. Keeps saying she needs space and time. I just want to explore every option to make it work. Its a lot to throw away. Had to share a bed with the 2 kids last night as my 4 year old girl wouldnt sleep and it was massively comforting. Its a shame your dreams take so long to adjust and you still dream of family life, even the first few seconds when you wake up when all feels well then reality sets in and its a massive come down. Am absolutley dreading handing the kids back.
Author John83 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Thanks, you are right i know if she decides against trying to work it out i deed to start building a life without her. I need meet her to grap an xbox game my son wanted to bring here but forgot. I have told her this morning via text (needed to ask for the game) that if this is what she wants we need to arrange a routine for kids that is set in stone in order to minimize having to contact each other as i will never move on having to be in constant contact. Nothing i can do but wait for her. Sorry to hear all this. I am also a single dad. Give her the space she asked for. Be cordial and the kids come first. Work on getting yourself back into as much of a positive frame as you can at this stage. If you can come to a concrete arrangement about the kids then thats half the battle. Try to see there is a world without her and you can move with this. Your happiness will reflect on the kids. Good luck
Haydn Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Hang in there friend. I have been there, scant consolation i know. But dont give her any ammo. remain aloof and caring for your kids. Thanks, you are right i know if she decides against trying to work it out i deed to start building a life without her. I need meet her to grap an xbox game my son wanted to bring here but forgot. I have told her this morning via text (needed to ask for the game) that if this is what she wants we need to arrange a routine for kids that is set in stone in order to minimize having to contact each other as i will never move on having to be in constant contact. Nothing i can do but wait for her. 1
Author John83 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Thank you mate, The kids will always remain my number 1 focus. They gave my life a true meaning when they entered my life. Hang in there friend. I have been there, scant consolation i know. But dont give her any ammo. remain aloof and caring for your kids. 1
focussed Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 First of all I'm sorry that you're going through this. Its one of the hardest things to endure even more so when kids are involved. Just know that you'll have plenty of support right here on LS and that one way or another you WILL be just fine . I wouldn't have made it through the initial stages of the BU without LS. If its any consolation, I am 110% empathetic to your problem (without jacking you're thread. Ill give you some background info),having gone through a very similar almost identical situation 2.5 yrs ago. We we're together for almost 6 years. We have a son who is now 6. I had health problems and I was in a life rut too. It seemed like the BU came from left field. I'd like to chime in and give you my 2 cents and hopefully you can avoid the same mistakes that I made. I still want my family back the same as you do so don't make the same mistakes as me and hopefully reconciliation will come to you faster than it has for me. I'm still waiting but Ill be fine either way. Ill just jot some thoughts down. And you're probably going to be hearing, if not already, the same pieces of advice over and over in other forms from other posters . *Kids come first (stating the obvious) *Nextn, you're own well being is a very close second. Its a tough situation to be in and there a good probability that its going to get worse before it gets better so prepare yourself for all possible scenerios. So keep yourself mentally, emotionally and physically sharp. *Dont focus on what she's doing. Focus on yourself. Do whatever it takes to minimize the amount of time your spending thinking about her. Go to the gym, play sports,hang out with friends. You get the drift. So long as its not destructive. I fell into the whole boozin and drugging to numb it. It solved absolutely nothing and impeded my progress. *DO NOT go into panic mode and make avoidable mistakes (ie begging, pleading, negotiating) I believe this is key. Best thing IMO is to accept the situation for what it is and react with the best possible solution. If she says she needs time and space give it to her. That means no harassing her to talk about it, no calls disguised as something for kids but really you just want some kind of contact with her. You've got to be strategic and play it like a game of chess (lack of better analagy) not only to increase your chances of levelling the playing field but to ensure that you keep your dignity and composure. As you said, the ball is in her court, but that doesn't mean you can't play defence. *All the words you say to her and telling her that you now realize how much you love her is falling on her deaf ears atm. She's being cold to you, not to hurt you deliberately but to ensure her decision to leave doesn't falter. So prove it by actions, focussing more so on your own and the kids and there happiness as well as your own. Show her that your fine without her and she's not the be all end all. At least not in front of her or your public face. You can break down all you want in private. It actually helps. *The "magical Christmas holiday period..." was the calm before the storm. She has been thinking about leaving for probably months or even a few years prior. She's finally fed up of fighting those looming feelings and built enough inner courage to go through with it. I got the best piece of advice from my brother and never really understood it at the time. He always used to tell me "to treat it as if she's already gone and never coming back" that way you will be a better and stronger person if she doesn't and its a bonus if she does. I'm sorry that this was such a long reply the thoughts just kept materializing onto the screen. As you can see from my LS rating, I don't post or reply too often. Lol John83 I really do empathize with you and i wish you the best of luck in accomplishing your goal of reconciling. I hope the advice I've left will be of use to you. Cheers!!! 1
Author John83 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Cheers mate i really appriciate the good advice. I like the idea of pretending she is gone but its hard to get over the fear of if i dont fight i will lose her altogether.
focussed Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I really hopw it works out for you for all of us for that matter. Keep fighting for your family but just realize there's somethings that you don't have control over. That's where treating it as if she's already gone becomes effective because you've prepped yourself for the worse case scenerio
Author John83 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Found out today she has put the one month notice in on our home. We rented our first home out and put the money towards renting a bigger propery in a nicer area to provide better life for kids. Was the first house i felt at home as our first house was small, cramped and had noisy neighbours. I used to love pulling onto drive on a summers day getting out van and hearing kids playing happily in back garden or how theyy would open door to great me or training in my garage gym. Now all that is gone and i cant put in words how gutted i am to lose our family home. I also still have kids with me as we agreed its best while she 'sorts her head out'. Really wish it had never come to this.
KathyM Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I would suggest asking to talk to her, and then in the meeting with her, acknowledge all the ways you were not where/what you needed to be for her and the kids. There is something healing about acknoweldging your mistakes to your partner. Without begging or pleading, tell her you would really like to be the kind of man and father that she and the kids deserve, and that you want to do everything in your power to make that happen, whether that requires hrt, individual and/or couple's counseling, or whatever changes need to be made. I think you need to put this out there, and make this one last effort to reconcile. Her heart has been hardened by years of neglect/mistreatment, but it may not be too late. I know two couples who reconciled after years of estrangement because one person in each couple took that first step of fully acknowledging his role/mistakes in the relationship, and stating outright how he/she plans to correct/fix the issues. I don't want to give you false hope, but I think it's worth one last try. Don't beg or plead, but do have this discussion. It might make a difference. As far as the hrt, you should check with a urologist. They are usually the ones that prescribe testosterone replacement. You may also want to do some research on natural forms of boosting testosterone. There are over-the-counter products that could have a positive effect on your testosterone level. Don't give up on it at this point.
Author John83 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I would suggest asking to talk to her, and then in the meeting with her, acknowledge all the ways you were not where/what you needed to be for her and the kids. There is something healing about acknoweldging your mistakes to your partner. Without begging or pleading, tell her you would really like to be the kind of man and father that she and the kids deserve, and that you want to do everything in your power to make that happen, whether that requires hrt, individual and/or couple's counseling, or whatever changes need to be made. I think you need to put this out there, and make this one last effort to reconcile. Her heart has been hardened by years of neglect/mistreatment, but it may not be too late. I know two couples who reconciled after years of estrangement because one person in each couple took that first step of fully acknowledging his role/mistakes in the relationship, and stating outright how he/she plans to correct/fix the issues. I don't want to give you false hope, but I think it's worth one last try. Don't beg or plead, but do have this discussion. It might make a difference. As far as the hrt, you should check with a urologist. They are usually the ones that prescribe testosterone replacement. You may also want to do some research on natural forms of boosting testosterone. There are over-the-counter products that could have a positive effect on your testosterone level. Don't give up on it at this point. Thank you for your advice. I did just that yesterday when i took the kids to her after school as she said we could talk. it didnt really get us very far she just got angry and rubbed it in by saying its too late and she hoped i learned my lesson. She was massively detached and was angry and snappy with the kids despite not seeing them for 4 days. Kids ended up leaving with me as that is what they wanted and now its agreed that they remain with me till she sorts out her head. After all that i start getting texts saying she is sorry for all this and she is struggling emotionally. She has started ending texts with an x sometimes 2 if shes nice and texyts me other daft things despite the fact i have told her we need to minimize contact so i can move on. Now me being soft im replying to her texts about her troubles and offering to pick up whatever she needs ect. Confused.
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