dump him because I like him TOO much?

[candy411]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months now. We are very close, talk about our future, and always say that we belong together. I have had my doubts along the way, as we started a relationship as soon as I got out of another very long relationship, and it's hard not to compare it to my old comfortable relationship. I should've stayed single longer, but i can't change that now. I actually fell for him while I was with someone else, stopped talking to him, but ended up ending my relationship anyway and then starting something w/ him.

 

anyway, things between us are great. we have absolutely incredible sex, which i never knew was important to me until i slept with him. we have been sexually intimate for about 7 months now and it is still just as amazing, if not better. we also bond so much intellectually, and have many shared interests and hobbies. we could talk for hours and hours and never run out of things to talk about. when one of us is sick, the other is eager to take care of the person. we are each other's best friend.

 

we have discussed that we want this to work out for the long run, that we are working toward a marriage (although we acknowledge it is too early to be sure). we feel really good about this.

 

HOWEVER- i'm not so sure how to interpret the feelings he is causing in me. normally, i am very confident, secure, and comfortable in relationships. he isn't very verbal to me with compliments. he uses cute pet names for me, tells me he loves me, and always offers to help me out. but he doesn't tell me i'm beautiful when he answers the door, or say that i look cute when i send him a picture of myself, or say "wow you're so sexy" when i take off my clothes (although i can tell by his physical reactions that he thinks so).

 

i know it sounds shallow to need these things, but i'm wondering if it really is a relationship "need" of mine. it makes me very unhappy and insecure that my boyfriend doesn't tell me these things. he is the person i want to hear it from, and i wonder if he even feels that way about me. it makes me feel so insecure in our relationship, because without hearing it all the time, i wonder if he prefers other girls over me. and it makes me upset b/c a lot of guys are always complimenting my looks, and i start to wonder if other people find me more attractive than my own boyfriend.

 

i'm used to dating people who always told me how cute or pretty they thought i was, and i don't know.. i feel like that's part of being in a relationship, to make each other feel beautiful and special. i compliment him a lot, and i know he enjoys it. i've brought it up to him before and he tries to be more verbal, but it just isn't in his nature. i'm pretty sure that he does think i'm attractive, because there ARE times when he will say "you're so beautiful" or "you're so gorgeous" and it does sound sincere, but it's usually not a spontaneous thing like, "oh wow, you look beautiful."

 

futhermore, when we aren't in contact, i sometimes get really anxious. i worry about why he hasn't texted me, and i HATE feeling like i'm always the one to initiate. he sends me emails with funny links and sometimes will tell me something sweet that he's thinking about me, but i usually have to be the first one to text and i can't help but get upset inside about it. the relationship makes me feel LESS confident and attractive (due to lack of compliments and me trying to dress up for him) and also more anxious, rather than serene and peaceful (b/c i worry about it).

 

he is really only the 3rd boyfriend i have ever had (i am in my 20s and have been in two other very long-term relationships). With this guy, i am so completely infatuated/in love/head over heels for him, so I can't tell if my negative reactions are coming from that or coming from a deeper cause.

 

i care about him so much, and i'm worried that i might like him TOO much. i'm terrified of this not working out. if he dumped me, i would just be absolutely heartbroken. i think some people avoid relationships like this out of fear of getting hurt. i know i need to protect myself.

 

in your experience, is it better to date someone who you love/in love with, but not quite so extreme?

 

and are the ways i feel red flags?

Edited January 9, 2014 by candy411

[winny]

I think it is all in your head and you need to stop over thinking.

Or maybe you like being center of attention and like to be complimented all the time and this guy doesn't do that.

 

I am bad at giving compliments. I might like something or someone a lot. But I do not compliment them. I don't know why. Am working on it though.

That doesn't mean I don't care for them or anything.

 

How you feel about yourself is in your own hands. You shouldn't be dependent on your BF's or anyone else point of view to make you feel special or beautiful.

Or for that matter that opposite of these things.

 

If he is there for you when you need him, cares for you unconditionally, you enjoy his company and love him then just ignore all this.

[candy411]

I think it is all in your head and you need to stop over thinking.

Or maybe you like being center of attention and like to be complimented all the time and this guy doesn't do that.

 

I agree with everything you said, but I guess one of my questions is really this: If I do need to be complimented a lot, is that a valid thing to want in the relationship? And if so, do I need to be w/ someone else?

[bolase]

I think they're valid thoughts/feelings. Perhaps you need to take a break from the relationship to get some perspective.

 

Nothing will make a guy stop liking you or loving you than you stopping liking or loving yourself.

 

So, you do need to learn to exist without validation from them all the time.

 

If you need more, then eventually the relationship will end because of this.

 

If I were you I would tell him you need some perspective and take a break, a holiday, or something. Don't freak out, just try to do something on your own then look back at it with fresh eyes.

 

If you don't it sounds like it'll blow up into an issue.

Good luck!

[winny]

I agree with everything you said, but I guess one of my questions is really this: If I do need to be complimented a lot, is that a valid thing to want in the relationship? And if so, do I need to be w/ someone else?

 

Someone else has to answer to this... coz somehow I have been complimented the exact amount I need... not too much (then it feels a lie to me) or not too little. So I have never felt it missing..... Maybe becoz I do not compliment a lot so I do not crave it a lot

 

But I guess different people have different needs...

[regine_phalange]

I don't think these things alone are red flags. I say that because;

 

- I'm not very verbal my self, I actually have to remind my self to put my nice thoughts ("how handsome!") in words. Do you give him compliments? Maybe he needs to imitate that from you.

 

- If someone I really like has set a pattern of texting first, I usually stick to that out of habit, sometimes I'm afraid I may disturb, or just know that he will text so I don't stress about it. If he asks me to text him first too, I gladly do it. So, just telling him that you love when he is initiating texting (even if he doesn't really), I think will be enough.

 

-> I'd be more annoyed by the early "marriage" talk. I'd rather a man just ask me when he has the ring, instead of saying it early on. Or just asking me general questions such as whether I would like to marry/have kids in the future. If he mentioned marriage to soon I'd fear he wants to manipulate me (maybe Im wrong, too many bad experiences from me and my friends I guess).

[Arieswoman]

Candy 411,

You said

 

If I do need to be complimented a lot, is that a valid thing to want in the relationship? And if so, do I need to be w/ someone else?

 

It depends what you mean by "a lot".

 

You might like to ask yourself why you need this guy (or anyone else) to validate your self-worth?

[Eternal Sunshine]

You remind me of me. Your over-analysing is more than likely to screw up a good thing. I don't see any red flags here.

[Versacehottie]

I don't see any red flags. Though maybe you should put marriage talk on the back burner in case it is causing unnecessary pressure for either of you. Enjoy each other. No need to rush to the "determined next stage".

 

About your anxiety, please find some ways to work on this on your own. It sounds like it doesn't have to do with him really and is just the way you are processing information. Best to get under control so you don't mess up good things because of it.

 

As far as him wanting him to give you compliments, try this. Start by giving him some. The type that you are hoping he will notice. Like when he arrives at your door, notice something that you like about his appearance and tell him. I think sometimes we think guys have it all figured out. When in reality sometimes they need us to show them the way :-)

[hotpotato]

I think you are nitpicking and trying to find reasons to bail.

[365daysgone]

I was involved with a woman like this last year. Because I didn't do or says thigs that she wanted she started to then just assume that I was with other girls. And she ended it so many times out of fear that her emotions were getting TOO strong for me too. Both of these things are terrible ways of having relationships. Your feelings will always to ruined when a relationship ends. It's what makes relationships similar to gambling. And he is with you so he must think you are attractive. Stop needing the constant validation all of the time. Try telling him that HE is sexy and see how he responds to that. Good luck.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't see any red flags either. Try having a mature conversation with your boyfriend about what you'd like. In an ideal relationship you both just know what the other wants ...in real life you need to have conversations and discuss your feelings and needs and plans.

[somedude81]

Ha, my ex left me after six months because she felt I liked her too much and she felt quilty for not liking me as much.

 

And you are considering leaving him because you like him too much.

 

Women are batty

Edited January 9, 2014 by somedude81

[Mrlonelyone]

I'll bet Candy thinks, or feels, on some level, that she isn't good enough for him. Am I rite Candy?

 

 

Now that I think about it...you should try to work it out with your boyfriend. If you really can't and you can't stop feeling the way you do, then it would be best to move on. You will find someone who you would never feel "like you like him too much" or "he likes me too much".

 

 

I say this because I've had relationships where my partner would even ask me why I would like them? I would assure them that I thought they were beautiful and smart. In the end it never worked.

 

 

 

 

 

Ha, my ex left me after six months because she felt I liked her too much and she felt quilty for not liking me as much.

 

And you are considering leaving him because you like him too much.

 

Women are batty

 

 

Hey it makes sense once you accept the reality that people seek to mate long term with someone as similar to themselves as possible.

 

 

The whole thought /feeling that one is not good enough/too good for a particular potential mate is a powerful one. It is built into every living thing that has sexual reproduction. Sexual selection is one driver of evolution.

 

 

Peacocks would not have big feathers, bucks would not have big racks, and humans would not be more taller or have bigger brains than our ancestors if this was not true.

[d0nnivain]

My husband is the best most amazing man I have ever known but I can't remember the last time he gave me a compliment. He's just not that guy.

 

 

It was very hard for me to adjust to his lack of verbalization because until him I always dated gregarious men who made their living through words: lawyers, salesmen, writers & actors.

 

 

I fish & beg for compliments & I don't like it but I know that he loves me & he doesn't want anybody else. As frustrated as I am by his lack of words, his whole family has told me from the beginning that he talks to me more than anyone. As a joke, after the best compliments that I got out of my then BF, now husband, were that I looked "fine", "good" or "nice" I bought him a thesaurus.

 

 

You are making your own problems here & you are letting your insecurities destroy what could be the best relationship of your life.

 

 

My husband & your BF are probably never going to wax poetic. That's just not them. But on balance for all the good things, some silence shouldn't add up to a break up.

[newmoon]

I can only speak to the compliment thing... it's absolutely a valid and important part of a relationship IF you need it. I was with a man for 3 years who never, not one time, complimented me on anything - looks, brains, etc. just nothing. i would ask and he still never did it, or did it because i asked and never meant it. 'I'm not verbal that way' or whatever excuse he would give. then I met a guy who showered me with compliments and it was like I had been dying of thirst and found an ocean. We all have love languages, things that speak to our heart and make us happy, and if that makes you happy and he doesn't do it (naturally), then sure, it's a red flag. and it'll never change. so determine what is/is not very important to you and if something like that is, then you leave sooner rather than later.

[StanMusial]

Say goodbye to "the one who got away".