I can't seem to attract wholesome quality women

[nescafe1982]

Cirocrisp: I don't think you're wrong for wanting a woman with less of a "past." It's a reasonable standard to have... we all have our values, and there's no reason not to stick to them.

 

BUT- the point is that a woman having a "past" (however defined) does not make her more or less likely to cheat.

 

My last ex was a virgin when we met... we were together 7 years. He then cheated on me.

 

I, on the other hand, might be someone you would say has a "past." I'm 31 and have had at least a dozen sexual partners. I've had sex outside of relationships, including one or two ONSs. I'm far from today's definition of "slutty," but my sexual history is a full one.

 

I've never cheated. And I never will. It's just not in me to do so.

 

As you get older, though, we all find that the people we date have gained a little more experience, and have a little more baggage, including sexual baggage. I'm not saying you should just be happy to date any promiscuous woman... but what a shame it would be if you refused to see a perfectly nice girl because she's had sex with a couple more partners than you?

[CiroCrisp]

I'm not saying you should just be happy to date any promiscuous woman... but what a shame it would be if you refused to see a perfectly nice girl because she's had sex with a couple more partners than you?

I don't mind that. I was referring to an astronomical difference such as 30+ while the woman is only in her 20's. My first gf was also 19 and she was already at the count of 28 and only 3 were relationships. Edited January 9, 2014 by CiroCrisp

[StanMusial]

The ones you are looking for are harder to find, because they aren't "out there". You have to turn over the stones and look in the nooks and crannies.

 

The past is the past, but you're wise to look at someone's history, their reputation, and the company they keep. Not much else to go on when determining how they measure up.

[GravityMan]

OP,

 

StanMusial has a good point. There are plenty of the type of women you want, and they're all over the place, but at the same time they tend to fly under the radar. They don't exactly "advertise" their availability. While many of them like to go out and have a good time, they're far less likely to be party animals. They're more the "go out occasionally" type. They tend to have a well-defined circle of friends. At your age, many of them are starting out on their professional careers and have decent jobs and/or are in grad school.

 

It's probably best to meet women like this through social connections. For instance, a private party hosted by a mutual friend. I'd advise that you be a good dude yourself, and have friends who are also good people. Most people like this often keep their distance from folks who are f**ked up in the head.

 

Meetup may also be a good idea if you live in an urban area, especially if you join groups that cater to your interests instead of generic "social", "happy hour" or "singles" groups. It's a nice tool to just go out and meet people. Meetup is popular among folks who are new to town.

 

In any case, focus on simply meeting people in general and being social and relaxed with them. Opportunities to date should naturally arise from that. Don't focus so much on "finding that special woman".

 

OP, tip, man to man: Regardless of advice to 'stop trying so hard', don't stop. Sure, work on your style and content as you go, but keep at it. All stopping does is make you invisible. The persistent guys get the babes.

 

How do I know this? Listened to well-intentioned female friend's advice, 'worked on myself' without pursuing women and remained dateless for six or seven years. Once seeing that nothing had changed from all that, that's when I headed overseas.

 

Spare yourself. Just keep throwing things at the wall until something sticks.

 

About the part I bolded...when people give advice along the lines of "stop trying so hard", what they really mean is that he needs to discard the desperation and lose the insecurity. It's not a phrase meant to be taken too literally. Of course some effort is needed on the guy's part...going "invisible" a.k.a. not putting himself out there is the worst thing he can do. An interested woman wants to know that the guy is interested in her and she'll get her answer clearly if the guy is sufficiently assertive and demonstrative.

 

I think there's a huge difference between a guy who's assertive and genuinely confident, and a guy who's desperate (and likely insecure). Those in the former group handle rejection well and respect boundaries; those in the latter group tend to take things too far too soon, or go somewhere with a mission of "finding a girlfriend" (instead of just having a good time in the company of others), or act in a way such that it's clear they don't value themselves.