CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Hi, I don't know if other men are having this issue but this is the reason I'm currently taking a break from meeting women and dating. For some reason the only women that I seem to attract are those that were into parties and hooking up in HS and college, divorced with kids, has low self-esteem, were abused or is the religious type waiting till marriage. I started my first relationship when I was 19 (now I'm 24) and as always, all girls have a past. I've been trying to be understanding and basically got over it in time (considering that I was a virgin then, that was hard) but the following year she cheats. I go through a period of not dating and 6 months later, I get involved in another relationship. Once again, the girl also had a wild past along with self-esteem issues. I didn't mind at the time and thought that people can change and if she's with me, then that's all the matters right?? Wrong. Again, I get cheated on and her excuse was an ''But it meant nothing, I'm sorry, etc''. How can having sex with someone else while in a relationship mean nothing??? Now I'v gotten fed up of accepting any woman with issues or high past in partners and playing the role of the guy that has to settle and be don't mention anything else I get called a jerk until they cheat on me in the end. I'm trying to find a well balanced woman that believes in commitment, is family oriented (if she can do both family and career is a plus), has been in several monogamous relationships but nothing too wild. I don't want the other polar of the religious ''only in marriage'' woman either.
pickflicker Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Their pasts have nothing to do with why they cheated on you. You be as pure as the driven snow, do everything right in your life, and still have a slip up. I think you need to start asking less questions about people's pasts, and focus on enjoying their company in the present.
Author CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Their pasts have nothing to do with why they cheated on you. You be as pure as the driven snow, do everything right in your life, and still have a slip up. I think you need to start asking less questions about people's pasts, and focus on enjoying their company in the present.Thing is in my second relationship that is exactly what I did. She was the one who volunteered with the information when the relationship started getting deeper and I didn't mind. I still got cheated on. But I'm really tired of going along with just accepting any woman's past or issues. I wish there were more women like me out there; very invested in just relationships and serious but not religious. It seems that the only women I can get all those with poor self-esteem, in the 30+ number (where mine is only those 2 relationships) or a hardcore Christian waiting till marriage. I can't seem to get the woman that's in between.
pickflicker Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Thing is in my second relationship that is exactly what I did. She was the one who volunteered with the information when the relationship started getting deeper and I didn't mind. I still got cheated on. But I'm really tired of going along with just accepting any woman's past or issues. I wish there were more women like me out there; very invested in just relationships and serious but not religious. It seems that the only women I can get all those with poor self-esteem, in the 30+ number (where mine is only those 2 relationships) or a hardcore Christian waiting till marriage. I can't seem to get the woman that's in between. I think you need to try more casual dating. And you are kind of going to have to go along with a person's past. Everyone gets a chance to change, you can't prejudge based on the fact that they were a rager in college and drunk all the time. More dating. It's a numbers game, the more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet someone compatible.
carhill Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 OP, I did a lot of what you did when your age and got similar results. Too much 'benefit of the doubt' and too much 'the past isn't important'. As a result, I got hammered with serial cheaters and married women passing themselves off as single. The key was in their history; knowing it and accepting it as part of who they are. In particular, some harsh lessons were learned regarding FOO history. Nowadays, if I get a whiff of FOO issues or if my 'trust but verify' canary chokes even a little, I give the cat some treats and we two old men head out in the RV. The wimmins can do what they do. Leave me out of it.
Author CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) I think you need to try more casual dating. And you are kind of going to have to go along with a person's past. Everyone gets a chance to change, you can't prejudge based on the fact that they were a rager in college and drunk all the time.I was never that way. I know everyone gets a chance to change but does this mean that's all I have to accept or actually look for the woman I would like? The one similar to me in goals, overall view on sex and commitment and same past as mine. More dating. It's a numbers game, the more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet someone compatible.I've even tried at bookstores and nothing. Edited January 9, 2014 by CiroCrisp
carhill Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 OP, FWIW, I finally gave up on local and started going to Europe and Asia. Doing so, oddly enough, helped my prospects locally and I ended up marrying a local lady eventually. The hard part locally was finding a truly single one. I didn't have that problem overseas. TBH, I probably overlooked an important potential, and that was the church. However, I had had my fill of it due to being educated in religious schools and swore I'd never socialize there again and haven't. Perhaps that was a mistake. If you have certain ideas about relationships which align with teachings of faith, IMO give it a try. Can't hurt.
pickflicker Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I was never that way. I know everyone gets a chance to change but does this mean that's all I have to accept or actually look for the woman I would like? The one similar to me in goals, overall view on sex and commitment and same past as mine. I've even tried at bookstores and nothing. No but I've just learned that narrowing options based on the past can snowball into more and more picky criteria until you price yourself out of the market. There are plenty of women out there who feel the same way you do. My group of girlfriends is just like this. So they're out there.
ChessPieceFace Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Offhand, it seems like you might have self-esteem problems, leading your GFs to cheat due to their animal nature / not seeing you as a worthy partner. I'm bored and sickened by the animal nature of humans and it's one reason I don't even bother playing animal games.
Author CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 OP, I did a lot of what you did when your age and got similar results. Too much 'benefit of the doubt' and too much 'the past isn't important'. As a result, I got hammered with serial cheaters and married women passing themselves off as single. The key was in their history; knowing it and accepting it as part of who they are. In particular, some harsh lessons were learned regarding FOO history.I know.That now seems to be the trend. It feels that all those years you've invested your life in being the guy you were raised as, only wanting commitment and never using women for sex, low in count because I like taking my time and not just jumping in bed without any connection and be the guy that too many woman (but don't really want otherwise they would have waited and not do all those random hook-ups) ask for was for nothing but to keep accept whatever is thrown out at you, even if the person has a very questionable and/or sordid past.
Author CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 There are plenty of women out there who feel the same way you do. My group of girlfriends is just like this. So they're out there.Then I must be doing something wrong. I can't find them. I'll be dating more. But if nothing, I think travelling would be my only option.
pickflicker Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Then I must be doing something wrong. I can't find them. I'll be dating more. But if nothing, I think travelling would be my only option. How do you meet people? Look, people think when they start dating, that finding someone is going to be easy. It's not. For the majority of us, dating is a hard slog, but you have to keep going.
Author CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 How do you meet people?Through dating sites, going to bookstores, a friend's recommendation, my workplace or if it's a friend b-day. Look, people think when they start dating, that finding someone is going to be easy. It's not. For the majority of us, dating is a hard slog, but you have to keep going.Yes, finding that special woman is sure taking time. I'm going to try once more and then travel if I get the same results.
carhill Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 OP, tip, man to man: Regardless of advice to 'stop trying so hard', don't stop. Sure, work on your style and content as you go, but keep at it. All stopping does is make you invisible. The persistent guys get the babes. How do I know this? Listened to well-intentioned female friend's advice, 'worked on myself' without pursuing women and remained dateless for six or seven years. Once seeing that nothing had changed from all that, that's when I headed overseas. Spare yourself. Just keep throwing things at the wall until something sticks. 2
pickflicker Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Through dating sites, going to bookstores, a friend's recommendation, my workplace or if it's a friend b-day. Yes, finding that special woman is sure taking time. I'm going to try once more and then travel if I get the same results. Have you tried meetup.com? 1
Author CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Have you tried meetup.com?No, I haven't try that site. Will try it. 1
pickflicker Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 No, I haven't try that site. Will try it. It's a good place to just meet new people. It's not primarly focused on dating, but you'll meet plenty of new people, and that will help in the long term. 1
nescafe1982 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I like Meetups... great way to find folks with a common interest. I go to an awesome running group right now, we do 5K twice a week and then have coffee after. People from all walks of life, people I wouldn't have met any other way, but who have been great friends to me. But maybe try putting less pressure on yourself too. Instead of actively going out to meet someone to date, just get out there and meet... people. Make friends, lots of them. And meet their friends. Put the search for romance on the back burner and focus on broadening your social horizons. Travel, definitely... it's a great way to grab perspective and see some amazing stuff. You will find someone you click with on a deeper, more meaningful level. But if you're running into the same type of woman again and again and again, that tells me you're hanging out with the same kinds of people. Shake it up a bit and find new interests... with that, a new social circle might yield a new kind of romance. In the meantime, putting less pressure on dating frees up all kind of time to do other things: read the great books, start working out, etc. Enjoy those things too. 1
Imported Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Their pasts have nothing to do with why they cheated on you. You be as pure as the driven snow, do everything right in your life, and still have a slip up. . Yes, you are right. Accidental cock insertion is something that is uncontrollable. No, a women cannot be blamed for accidentally getting a penis in her mouth. **** happens OP, get over it.
nescafe1982 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Yes, you are right. Accidental cock insertion is something that is uncontrollable. No, a women cannot be blamed for accidentally getting a penis in her mouth. **** happens OP, get over it. I don't think that's what pickflicker meant. I agree with his statement that someone with less dating experience can be just as likely to cheat as someone who's been around the block a time or two. Having a sexual history doesn't make one more apt to cheat. Being a cheat does. There's no correlation. 1
pickflicker Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I don't think that's what pickflicker meant. I agree with his statement that someone with less dating experience can be just as likely to cheat as someone who's been around the block a time or two. Having a sexual history doesn't make one more apt to cheat. Being a cheat does. There's no correlation. Thank you, nescafe. Promiscuity does not equal unfaithful. A person can have slept with a lot of people, but slept with them one at a time and never cheated. Conversely, a person can marry the first person they sleep with and end up in an affair years later. Motivations for cheating are waaaay more complicated than sexual history. 1
Author CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) Thank you, nescafe. Promiscuity does not equal unfaithful. A person can have slept with a lot of people, but slept with them one at a time and never cheated. Conversely, a person can marry the first person they sleep with and end up in an affair years later. Motivations for cheating are waaaay more complicated than sexual history.And what about those like me that have only had 2 relationships and never cheated. Promiscuity might not equal unfaithful but it does explain about a person's different attitude on sex and the fact that they can have meaningful ONS as if it were eating an ice-cream. I would never be able to do that. That's not in me. Edited January 9, 2014 by CiroCrisp
Author CiroCrisp Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) Yes, you are right. Accidental cock insertion is something that is uncontrollable. No, a women cannot be blamed for accidentally getting a penis in her mouth. **** happens OP, get over it.Having sex or oral sex is no accident. It's a decision that we have control over it and choose when and whom to have it with. The whole ''get over it'' got me nowhere. From what I understand, what you're saying is I should keep going through life accepting only that; women with promiscuous past or issues and that the woman I'm looking for doesn't exist. Edited January 9, 2014 by CiroCrisp
f1asr88 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Having sex or oral sex is no accident. It's a decision that we have control over it and choose when and whom to have it with. The whole ''get over it'' got me nowhere. From what I understand, what you're saying is I should keep going through life accepting only that; women with promiscuous past or issues and that the woman I'm looking for doesn't exist. You being twenty four, I guess you're looking for girls around your age? The thing with girls aged 18 to 24 with "a past" is that the "past" was probably very recent. Maybe as recently as months, weeks or days ago they were sleeping around. I'm pretty sceptical about people changing their attitudes at the flick of a switch. People's brains aren't fully developed until they're in their mid twenties, and even then they tend to be lacking in life experience and maturity. On these boards a lot of women say "I was promiscuous, I changed, and am now a faithful loving wife, girlfriend, etc." I think it is vastly more credible for older women to say this, as I would imagine they have tend to have the benefit of maturity, life experience, and are more able to know a good thing when they see it, that is worth them changing their promiscuity for. If I were to meet a younger girl with a past who has "reformed"... I would be sceptical about their remarkable transformation and try not to get too attached to be honest. Your least risky bet would be to find a girl with similar values to yourself.
Sand Man Dan Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I have the same problem at OP and I've actually given up. Which sounds sad but its better than never finding what youre looking for. Good luck
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