over 1 1/2 years dating, broke up with me for someone else?

[TheGreatGatsby]

Thank you everyone. The support has been so uplifting. To know others are going through or went through the same type of mess is comforting.

 

I've had some discussions with my friends.

A thought I wanted to share.

 

I was truly caught off guard with things when she broke up with me, but I was also truly in love with her while she did things behind my back.

That is inexcusable. Whether she knows it or not that is not healthy.

I wrestled with this because I shouldered the blame web she attacked me and through reasons for breaking up with me in my face. I admit I could have done a bit more in the relationship but I did not make her reactions, she ultimately made the decision to go out with someone while we were dating behind my back and become emotionally invested in someone else.

 

She most likely will not feel guilty because of the way that I let it slide and get her off the hook. That's in the past however. I know there are things I can improve upon. I actually feel kind of sad for her because by her shifting all of the blame on me and having me shoulder things she most likely thinks I was the reason for the breakup and because she shifted into another relationship so soon (she hates being alone and that's evidenced by her sleeping with someone else a month later) I highly doubt she's had some time for inner reflection to assess what she took away from the relationship.

 

I read a quote I want to share:

 

FORGIVENESS MEANS GIVING UP ALL HOPE FOR A BETTER PAST.

 

I'll still have my ups and downs but I'm beginning to shift perspective that I can learn from this and become a more well-rounded, thoughtful individual.

 

Thanks again, everyone. I'm sure I'll be venting soon but hopefully this is a moment of clarity.

[Sandy99]

If sending the text will make you feel better and you really feel you are ready to accept some blame for the end of the relationship then send it. I wouldn't tell her to contact you though. I'd just acknowledge your part in the end of the relationship, tell her you accept the break up, and then end the letter.

 

I think the point of maintaining no contact after a break up is that both the dumper and dumpee are usually acting irrationally post break up. Therefore you are only going to get a lot of headache and pain trying to have a "rational" discussion too soon after a break up.

 

If you send an apology letter (if you are in fact in the wrong), I don't think it's so bad. But you're most likely not going to hear from her at this point. But if it makes you feel better that she knows you know that you acted inappropriately...then send it. It might help you move on. But you might also be cursing that letter at a later time when you reminisce about the way she broke up with you. If you send the letter, go right back to having no contact with her unless she really wants to have a talk with you.

[TheGreatGatsby]

Here's what I've been thinking. I really want to send this. How crazy my message I wanted to send before was apologizing for things, where I start to feel like I was wronged.

 

I turned the corner in the sense that I had a hard time because I blamed myself for allowing her to go behind my back and do these things. I thought if i kept her happy and was better in the relationship it wouldn't have gotten to that point. But she has to take blame too, which is did not do, because only she can make the actions. I did not make her do anything.

 

Here's what I vented out to myself:

 

"you have no legitimate reason for breaking up with me and you wanted to not feel guilty and somehow justify why you cheated on me so you told me and yourself whatever you wanted to hear to make me out to be the bad guy so you didn't have to think that what you were doing was wrong.

 

I think what you did to me is pretty ****ty. lying and cheating and going behind my back. you told me about past relationships where you've been cheated on in the past and the fact that you can do the same is appalling. The fact of the matter is that you went behind my back and even when i confronted you if you were seeing anyone you denied it. you couldn't even be honest and faithful with me. i definitely could have and want to improve the way i handled my life and i could have put more effort into the relationship, but i cannot control your actions. you chose to flirt and go out with this other guy, and to start talking to your coworker and become emotionally invested. you've shifted blame onto me to make me feel guilty and responsible for our relationship ending when this is on you. I take responsibility for my actions which include getting behind on pursuing my career and being too smothering but what you did was while we were still together as a couple, i still loved you and had no idea you were going out behind me back. that's extremely hurtful, and what you did was wrong, and you weren't even going to tell me about it. that sends a very negative message telling me what kind of things you're capable of doing. i would never dream of doing anything like that to you. if i had an issue with our relationship and it got to the point where i was considering going out with someone else behind your back, our relationship would have been over before that point, actually. i would have come to you with any issues i had and you just weren't willing or capable to do that with me. i cannot believe that you'd blame me for your actions and take no fault for what you did.

 

I wanted to put in time and effort to correct the way things were heading and you flipped the switch and started talking to someone else instead."

 

Is sending something like this to her bad?

She shifted the blame onto me and I begged for her back and so I know she does not feel bad or guilty for what she did. And this period of no contact was because she told me to move on and things were over. So it makes me angry that she thinks I'm not reaching out to her because she said it was over and to move on, but it's really because I was mistreated and I want her to know that.

 

Is what I wrote, or the gist of it, OK to send to her?

[Chi townD]

Here's what I've been thinking. I really want to send this. How crazy my message I wanted to send before was apologizing for things, where I start to feel like I was wronged.

 

I turned the corner in the sense that I had a hard time because I blamed myself for allowing her to go behind my back and do these things. I thought if i kept her happy and was better in the relationship it wouldn't have gotten to that point. But she has to take blame too, which is did not do, because only she can make the actions. I did not make her do anything.

 

Here's what I vented out to myself:

 

"you have no legitimate reason for breaking up with me and you wanted to not feel guilty and somehow justify why you cheated on me so you told me and yourself whatever you wanted to hear to make me out to be the bad guy so you didn't have to think that what you were doing was wrong.

 

I think what you did to me is pretty ****ty. lying and cheating and going behind my back. you told me about past relationships where you've been cheated on in the past and the fact that you can do the same is appalling. The fact of the matter is that you went behind my back and even when i confronted you if you were seeing anyone you denied it. you couldn't even be honest and faithful with me. i definitely could have and want to improve the way i handled my life and i could have put more effort into the relationship, but i cannot control your actions. you chose to flirt and go out with this other guy, and to start talking to your coworker and become emotionally invested. you've shifted blame onto me to make me feel guilty and responsible for our relationship ending when this is on you. I take responsibility for my actions which include getting behind on pursuing my career and being too smothering but what you did was while we were still together as a couple, i still loved you and had no idea you were going out behind me back. that's extremely hurtful, and what you did was wrong, and you weren't even going to tell me about it. that sends a very negative message telling me what kind of things you're capable of doing. i would never dream of doing anything like that to you. if i had an issue with our relationship and it got to the point where i was considering going out with someone else behind your back, our relationship would have been over before that point, actually. i would have come to you with any issues i had and you just weren't willing or capable to do that with me. i cannot believe that you'd blame me for your actions and take no fault for what you did.

 

I wanted to put in time and effort to correct the way things were heading and you flipped the switch and started talking to someone else instead."

 

Is sending something like this to her bad?

She shifted the blame onto me and I begged for her back and so I know she does not feel bad or guilty for what she did. And this period of no contact was because she told me to move on and things were over. So it makes me angry that she thinks I'm not reaching out to her because she said it was over and to move on, but it's really because I was mistreated and I want her to know that.

 

Is what I wrote, or the gist of it, OK to send to her?

 

 

No, no, no.... do not send that. You want to hear your Ex's response? Okay, I'm your Ex. Here we go.

 

"I never cheated on you. Nothing ever happened while we were together. He's not the reason why we broke up! It was you doing this,that or the other. An also you NOT doing this,that or the other. I'm sorry things didn't work out, but you need to get over it. Stop being a psycho and leave me alone. Do not make me get the cops involved because this is turning into harassment."

 

 

There you go! And I'm willing to bet that IF she sent back a response, it would be that.

 

CAN I GET AN AMEN!!!

[goldfighter3]

I sent a similar letter to my ex about three days after I found out about things. It really helped me cope with what I was feeling, especially my feelings that she was getting away with what she'd done. I guess I feel that at least by expressing how I feel, I may have stripped away a few of the lies she'd been telling herself. Ten days later I still mean every word I said, I wouldn't take it back, and even though i'm afraid its closed that door forever, at least she knows that the only way back into my life will be through one hell of a sincere apology.

 

A lot of other people will just say NC, but sometimes communication that is well thought out and done for YOU can be extremely helpful. I did the same thing with a letter a month ago about what I regretted/thought I'd done wrong, and it helped hugely with those feelings as well. I don't think she ever actually read the letter, and I now know why!

 

Here's what I've been thinking. I really want to send this. How crazy my message I wanted to send before was apologizing for things, where I start to feel like I was wronged.

 

I turned the corner in the sense that I had a hard time because I blamed myself for allowing her to go behind my back and do these things. I thought if i kept her happy and was better in the relationship it wouldn't have gotten to that point. But she has to take blame too, which is did not do, because only she can make the actions. I did not make her do anything.

 

Here's what I vented out to myself:

 

"you have no legitimate reason for breaking up with me and you wanted to not feel guilty and somehow justify why you cheated on me so you told me and yourself whatever you wanted to hear to make me out to be the bad guy so you didn't have to think that what you were doing was wrong.

 

I think what you did to me is pretty ****ty. lying and cheating and going behind my back. you told me about past relationships where you've been cheated on in the past and the fact that you can do the same is appalling. The fact of the matter is that you went behind my back and even when i confronted you if you were seeing anyone you denied it. you couldn't even be honest and faithful with me. i definitely could have and want to improve the way i handled my life and i could have put more effort into the relationship, but i cannot control your actions. you chose to flirt and go out with this other guy, and to start talking to your coworker and become emotionally invested. you've shifted blame onto me to make me feel guilty and responsible for our relationship ending when this is on you. I take responsibility for my actions which include getting behind on pursuing my career and being too smothering but what you did was while we were still together as a couple, i still loved you and had no idea you were going out behind me back. that's extremely hurtful, and what you did was wrong, and you weren't even going to tell me about it. that sends a very negative message telling me what kind of things you're capable of doing. i would never dream of doing anything like that to you. if i had an issue with our relationship and it got to the point where i was considering going out with someone else behind your back, our relationship would have been over before that point, actually. i would have come to you with any issues i had and you just weren't willing or capable to do that with me. i cannot believe that you'd blame me for your actions and take no fault for what you did.

 

I wanted to put in time and effort to correct the way things were heading and you flipped the switch and started talking to someone else instead."

 

Is sending something like this to her bad?

She shifted the blame onto me and I begged for her back and so I know she does not feel bad or guilty for what she did. And this period of no contact was because she told me to move on and things were over. So it makes me angry that she thinks I'm not reaching out to her because she said it was over and to move on, but it's really because I was mistreated and I want her to know that.

 

Is what I wrote, or the gist of it, OK to send to her?

[Simon Phoenix]

Here's what I've been thinking. I really want to send this. How crazy my message I wanted to send before was apologizing for things, where I start to feel like I was wronged.

 

I turned the corner in the sense that I had a hard time because I blamed myself for allowing her to go behind my back and do these things. I thought if i kept her happy and was better in the relationship it wouldn't have gotten to that point. But she has to take blame too, which is did not do, because only she can make the actions. I did not make her do anything.

 

Here's what I vented out to myself:

 

"you have no legitimate reason for breaking up with me and you wanted to not feel guilty and somehow justify why you cheated on me so you told me and yourself whatever you wanted to hear to make me out to be the bad guy so you didn't have to think that what you were doing was wrong.

 

I think what you did to me is pretty ****ty. lying and cheating and going behind my back. you told me about past relationships where you've been cheated on in the past and the fact that you can do the same is appalling. The fact of the matter is that you went behind my back and even when i confronted you if you were seeing anyone you denied it. you couldn't even be honest and faithful with me. i definitely could have and want to improve the way i handled my life and i could have put more effort into the relationship, but i cannot control your actions. you chose to flirt and go out with this other guy, and to start talking to your coworker and become emotionally invested. you've shifted blame onto me to make me feel guilty and responsible for our relationship ending when this is on you. I take responsibility for my actions which include getting behind on pursuing my career and being too smothering but what you did was while we were still together as a couple, i still loved you and had no idea you were going out behind me back. that's extremely hurtful, and what you did was wrong, and you weren't even going to tell me about it. that sends a very negative message telling me what kind of things you're capable of doing. i would never dream of doing anything like that to you. if i had an issue with our relationship and it got to the point where i was considering going out with someone else behind your back, our relationship would have been over before that point, actually. i would have come to you with any issues i had and you just weren't willing or capable to do that with me. i cannot believe that you'd blame me for your actions and take no fault for what you did.

 

I wanted to put in time and effort to correct the way things were heading and you flipped the switch and started talking to someone else instead."

 

Is sending something like this to her bad?

She shifted the blame onto me and I begged for her back and so I know she does not feel bad or guilty for what she did. And this period of no contact was because she told me to move on and things were over. So it makes me angry that she thinks I'm not reaching out to her because she said it was over and to move on, but it's really because I was mistreated and I want her to know that.

 

Is what I wrote, or the gist of it, OK to send to her?

 

[pickflicker]

 

Simon's right. And I hate to break it to you, but whatever the reason she broke up with you, is a good reason to her. The same as whatever reason you choose to break up with someone, is a good reason to you. There are no prizes for being the best breaker-upper. There is not "right or wrong" or "good or bad". You want out, then you want out.

 

Sorry.

[TheGreatGatsby]

 

Simon, I needed a good laugh, thank you.

 

It just sucks looking back, now that I'm able to breath and calm down, I feel that I let her off the hook way too easily. I completely ate up what she threw at me for reasons of breaking up. Even AFTER I found out she went behind my back and was seeing another guy I still allowed her to shift the blame to me so she could not feel guilty.

 

I have to let the past be, but it pisses me off that the NC we have right now was initiated because she told me that enough was enough it's time to move on, so she might be under the impression that I'd love nothing more than to reach out but I'm respecting her wishes of NC, and that was reality at first. Now I realize she completely has the upper hand and I want her to know that it's MY choice that I'm not contacting her because of her actions.

 

She should take responsibility for her actions and she didn't. She was perfectly OK in living her life with what she did and I think that's wrong on so many levels. In fact, I think the only reason why she agreed to meet up with me the 2nd time (when I found out through Facebook she was seeing someone) was so that she could get rid of her guilty conscience and not take any blame.

 

It just sickens me. Listen, I'm not perfect and if you read my posts you know that I absolutely feel like I can improve as a person and I've learned a lot from this relationship, and I wondered how she would not want to make it work after I've been completely faithful, loving, and loyal, but now I get it. She was already beginning to be emotionally invested in someone else, AND that wasn't even the Facebook guy, I'm talking about her coworker. So she really started talking to a few different people. It's just sick. I saw her EVERY night. We slept/lived together for almost a full YEAR. Perhaps I should have given her more space, but if you end up marrying someone you're going to have to live with them and most likely see them every night so that should be a good test.

 

I don't know, I'm feeling angry and bitter. I was apologetic and I realize my mistakes, but she did not. Thus is life I guess.

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon, I needed a good laugh, thank you.

 

It just sucks looking back, now that I'm able to breath and calm down, I feel that I let her off the hook way too easily. I completely ate up what she threw at me for reasons of breaking up. Even AFTER I found out she went behind my back and was seeing another guy I still allowed her to shift the blame to me so she could not feel guilty.

 

I have to let the past be, but it pisses me off that the NC we have right now was initiated because she told me that enough was enough it's time to move on, so she might be under the impression that I'd love nothing more than to reach out but I'm respecting her wishes of NC, and that was reality at first. Now I realize she completely has the upper hand and I want her to know that it's MY choice that I'm not contacting her because of her actions.

 

She should take responsibility for her actions and she didn't. She was perfectly OK in living her life with what she did and I think that's wrong on so many levels. In fact, I think the only reason why she agreed to meet up with me the 2nd time (when I found out through Facebook she was seeing someone) was so that she could get rid of her guilty conscience and not take any blame.

 

It just sickens me. Listen, I'm not perfect and if you read my posts you know that I absolutely feel like I can improve as a person and I've learned a lot from this relationship, and I wondered how she would not want to make it work after I've been completely faithful, loving, and loyal, but now I get it. She was already beginning to be emotionally invested in someone else, AND that wasn't even the Facebook guy, I'm talking about her coworker. So she really started talking to a few different people. It's just sick. I saw her EVERY night. We slept/lived together for almost a full YEAR. Perhaps I should have given her more space, but if you end up marrying someone you're going to have to live with them and most likely see them every night so that should be a good test.

 

I don't know, I'm feeling angry and bitter. I was apologetic and I realize my mistakes, but she did not. Thus is life I guess.

 

Dude, nothing you say or do will make her regret her decision or the way she carried it out. If anything, you emoting or spazzing would reinforce her thought process in her own mind. The only way she'll ever have second thoughts is if she comes up with them herself without your meddling/interference.

 

And breaking up with someone isn't a mistake. People break up all the time. They aren't all wrong.

[Sasukie]

anger stage. part1

[Sasukie]

Don't need to explain, be the bigger man. You have to understand at this point she's indifferent with how you feel. Even if you think your email is rational and expresses so much emotion, she could just glance at it and laugh. Only during her moments of weakness or if she's not doing well and she's not getting the same support you gave her, will she turn to you (and that's just a maybe).

 

Do as you will. Best way is to just vent on the forum. Post it to her and you'll just face regrets.

[OhThatGirl]

I don't know how to do the little blocks of quotes so I will just copy everything and respond in bold.. Be prepared for some tough love. I really believe you need to hear this though.

 

 

Here's what I've been thinking. I really want to send this. How crazy my message I wanted to send before was apologizing for things, where I start to feel like I was wronged.

 

She doesn't care about where you felt you were wronged.

 

I turned the corner in the sense that I had a hard time because I blamed myself for allowing her to go behind my back and do these things. I thought if i kept her happy and was better in the relationship it wouldn't have gotten to that point. But she has to take blame too, which is did not do, because only she can make the actions. I did not make her do anything.

 

True. But this also means you can't make her see where she was wrong, you can't make her care about how you feel, what you think, or why. Know this to be true.

 

Here's what I vented out to myself:

 

Good. Vent to yourself, NOT her.

 

"you have no legitimate reason for breaking up with me and you wanted to not feel guilty and somehow justify why you cheated on me so you told me and yourself whatever you wanted to hear to make me out to be the bad guy so you didn't have to think that what you were doing was wrong.

 

She had an INCREDIBLY valid reason for breaking up with you. She didn't want to be in the relationship any more! She checked out! She wanted to see and become invested in other people! You weren't the guy she wanted to be with! THESE ARE VALID REASONS. Maybe not what you want to hear, but you can't tell someone they didn't have a valid reason to break up with you. The simple fact she wanted to is VALID enough!! And... She didn't cheat on you. Meeting up with a guy and silly Facebook flirting is not the same as cheating.. She broke your trust and hurt you, but this doesn't necessarily equal cheating.

 

I think what you did to me is pretty ****ty. lying and cheating and going behind my back. you told me about past relationships where you've been cheated on in the past and the fact that you can do the same is appalling. The fact of the matter is that you went behind my back and even when i confronted you if you were seeing anyone you denied it. you couldn't even be honest and faithful with me. i definitely could have and want to improve the way i handled my life and i could have put more effort into the relationship, but i cannot control your actions. you chose to flirt and go out with this other guy, and to start talking to your coworker and become emotionally invested. you've shifted blame onto me to make me feel guilty and responsible for our relationship ending when this is on you. I take responsibility for my actions which include getting behind on pursuing my career and being too smothering but what you did was while we were still together as a couple, i still loved you and had no idea you were going out behind me back. that's extremely hurtful, and what you did was wrong, and you weren't even going to tell me about it. that sends a very negative message telling me what kind of things you're capable of doing. i would never dream of doing anything like that to you. if i had an issue with our relationship and it got to the point where i was considering going out with someone else behind your back, our relationship would have been over before that point, actually. i would have come to you with any issues i had and you just weren't willing or capable to do that with me. i cannot believe that you'd blame me for your actions and take no fault for what you did.

None of this matters. None of it. She didn't cheat. She hurt you. It doesn't matter if she became emotionally invested in someone else. What matters is that she wasn't emotionally invested in you. Knowing that you got a bit lazy and acknowledging that you could have been better won't change anything.. For THIS relationship. It just teaches you a lesson about how not to make the mistakes in your NEXT relationship. Telling her you don't approve of how she handled things in the relationship means nothing. She's out of it. You're out of it. This isn't something that can be worked on. It's just a reflection and how you feel.. Nothing more.

 

I wanted to put in time and effort to correct the way things were heading and you flipped the switch and started talking to someone else instead."

 

Is sending something like this to her bad?

She shifted the blame onto me and I begged for her back and so I know she does not feel bad or guilty for what she did. And this period of no contact was because she told me to move on and things were over. So it makes me angry that she thinks I'm not reaching out to her because she said it was over and to move on, but it's really because I was mistreated and I want her to know that.

 

She's not going to care WHY you're not talking to her. You aren't going to get her to accept her responsibility by telling her about it. It will only make her defensive and annoyed. If you don't approve with how she handled things.. Don't talk to her. This is quite honestly the ONLY thing you have control over at this point. It doesn't matter WHY you're not talking to her. Breaking NC to tell her why you're NC is like shooting yourself in the foot. It's a bad idea.

 

 

Is what I wrote, or the gist of it, OK to send to her?

 

NO.