over 1 1/2 years dating, broke up with me for someone else?

[TheGreatGatsby]

I just found this forum yesterday and have read numerous posts. There's some great support here and I wish I found this site sooner.

 

Here's my story. It's very long.

IF IT'S TOO LONG LET ME KNOW AND I'LL TRY TO GIVE THE ABRIDGED VERSION.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me after 1yr and 7 months.

From the beginning we obviously hit it off. Fireworks. The whole 9 yards. We're both the same age in our late 20's and live local to one another.

 

She got an apartment 9 months after we started dating. I wasn't "officially" moved in but I was staying there every night. Basically living out of a duffel bag. I wanted to move in but her parents were adamant on being engaged before living together and I wanted to respect their wishes.

 

Her family can be controlling at times and didn't like that she wasn't around anymore. It lead to her not talking to her mother for months and she never had a strong relationship with her stepfather either. I was always there for support but I think it kept eating at her. Her job was also very stressful and again I'd do everything I could to empathize but she started telling me that I don't understand her work and she wishes I could see what she goes through.

 

The last few months of the relationship were tough. I'm in the process of starting a new career and going back to grad school and she's well established with her job. I can't help but think that played a role in things.

 

Looking back I also acknowledge that I was getting complacent with things. I told her of my wanting to change my career when we first started dating over a year and a half ago but I was not making any progress. It was difficult staying at her place when I didn't really have a spot for things or my own space so now look back and see that I was living like a slob (not pulling my weight with dishes, lounging around apartment, etc.). I also feel that I failed to show her the same love and affection that brought us up to that point.

 

On to the big part:

 

she told me we had to talk and we met in person. She told me she wanted space and to break up. I naturally asked why and I then received lots of different reasons. She told me at different times:

 

1) I shouldn't want to be with someone like her because she treats me like ****. 2) she wants to focus on her career.

3) our religion being different and me not willing to get married by a priest and not willing to compromise (which I told her I would)

4) we're two different people

5) we weren't meant to be

6) she felt like she was dating a high school kid

7) I didn't clean up around the apartment enough

 

I was in shock when this happened. I should have taken that time to get all of my questions answered but I froze. I packed up everything I had right then and there and left her to be alone to give her space like she asked. I did ask her multiple times if she was seeing someone else and she denied it. I did see her every night so I believed her.

 

A few days went by and I did text her asking how she could end things just like that. (I acknowledge now that she probably had this planned long before that day). She didn't respond. I was able to talk with her on the phone a few days later and she told me she doesn't want anything right now, and was very vague. She doesn't like confrontation so it was difficult to get the real reasons why, specifically why she wouldn't want to work things out with me because I was willing and she just wasn't having it.

 

She did reach out to me once during all of this. About 3 weeks after our breakup she texted me saying she saw some of my friends at the bar and that I probably got a text from them saying that she was out a bar with a bunch of guys but she told me that they're just coworkers. I didn't see the text for a few minutes and she texted again asking if I was ignoring her. I told her that my friends didn't text me anything, but OK?...She most likely was starting to feel guilty and didn't want that on her conscience.

 

I didn't contact her for about a month. I then spoke with someone who put her in my head and I lost it. I did something awful and I logged onto her Facebook, meaning signed under her name. I've never done anything like that before. I'm not proud of it but I did it because I did not think she was being honest with me. And I was right. There was a conversation she had with someone else a week BEFORE we broke up. They were flirting back and forth, he said he'd like to take her out on another date, she said "rumor has it you have a big crush on me". Just sickening. I couldn't believe it.

 

I called her and she didn't answer. I texted her to call me ASAP. I asked why she went out with someone else while we were still together. She kept denying it then asked if I went on her Facebook and I said I'm sorry but I did. She was mad at me for doing that yet unapologetic for what she did!

 

She agreed to meet up with me later that week to talk about it. She wasn't feeling well so we went back to her apartment. I took care of her (got her a blanket, water, advil, and food). She fell asleep for a while and when she woke up we had a normal flowing conversation and it felt good. But I had to bring up the incident. She said it meant nothing and nothing happened and that she only went out in groups of people and that the kid has a g/f and she said if I noticed at the end of the Facebook conversation (it went on for a few weeks even after we broke up, agreeing to meet up for coffee/lunch) she eventually stopped responding to him. She told me she doesn't talk to him anymore.

 

She told me let's take it slow. Whatever that means? That got my hopes up. I thought we would try to make things work but take it slow.

 

I spoke with her the following week to meet up to watch football. She told me I could come over but I could tell she didn't really want me to come. I told her to just tell me if she didn't want to and she said she didn't want to give me the impression that we were going to get back together. I asked her why she said let's take it slow and she said she wasn't feeling well that night and didn't mean it. She then said maybe we should go our separate ways. I told her to not give up on us and I know it sounds crazy saying it now but I still wanted to work things out.

 

We talked about getting engaged and a future together so I didn't want this to be it, even if she did flirt and go out with another guy. That's appalling to me because I was always against cheating and she's been cheated on in the past before too.

 

Anyway, there were a few weeks of no contact. I was a little tipsy one night and drove by her apartment (it was really late on a Saturday night at 4am). There was another car in her driveway! I wrote down the license plate #. (I'm not proud of this). I thought about it for a few weeks before a friend of mine ran the plate. It was someone she worked with. (Not the Facebook guy. That, and I believe her, was done)

 

Now the questions really get raised. Was she starting to "see" this guy before we broke up or is this after the fact? Was she already checked out of our relationship and waited to make sure that she had something else lined up before letting me go?

 

A few weeks went by and I broke no contact by sending her a text telling her I hope she's well and we should meet up and catch up. I was too sick to bring up what I found out. I actually ended up calling her mother. I had a good relationship with her and I wanted to tell her that I'm having a hard time with things and that I don't want to lose my ex. She told me that my ex told her that we're two different people and weren't meant to be. She told me to give her space.

 

A week goes by of no contact and I decided to drive to her apartment. I had to get the closure I wanted/needed. She was ignoring me and that as I'm sure all of you know, is so painful and the hardest thing to deal with. Anyway, as I pulled up her car was pulling out. It was the only car in the driveway. I beeped and the car pulled over. She got out....of the passenger side! I'll never forget that moment.

 

She asked what I was doing there and I told her I wanted to talk with her so I could get my closure and tell her that maybe it's not that we're not meant to be and we're two different people but maybe it was just bad timing and we weren't ready yet. I asked who she was with and she said it was just a coworker. A coworker that was 1) driving her car? and 2) it was the only car in the driveway so either he stayed over or she picked him up. I don't know, I'm thinking about it too much.

 

She told me things are over and to move on. I know I have a hard time taking the hint but I couldn't believe it. She said she couldn't talk now, it wasn't a good time and left.

 

I texted her the next day asking her if I could just talk for a minute on the phone so I can tell her how I feel so I can move on and get closure.

 

She finally texted back and said she understands, she gets it. But it's over and I need to move on. Enough is enough and she hopes she gave me the closure that I need.

 

I responded with that I took it hard and I can see she's moved on and that's great and I know I'll get there too and said good luck with everything.

 

I was then blocked from Gchat, and most of my friends were unfriended on Facebook. (Strangely, I actually removed her shortly after we broke up).

 

 

I know after typing everything out you'd all want to know why the hell I'd want to be with this girl. Well I'm obviously only giving you the tail-end of our relationship. We had an amazing year and a half together. Things were going great. Again, we talked about getting engaged and married and moving in officially, etc.

 

Here's what I think happened. Please let me know what you think:

 

Our relationship was great for a year and a half. We almost never fought and argued, we shared very similar interests, and we connected so well and were comfortable with each other, meaning we could be our goofy selves and it was great.

 

A few months before we broke up I think it got to her that I wasn't pursuing my career at a fast enough pace, I wasn't doing my part around the apartment, and I wasn't showing her the affection I did when we first fell in love.

 

I think that pushed her away from me, but I didn't see the signs. Instead of talking with me about this, though, she most likely started talking to her coworker. He could have showed interest and because she wasn't happy with me could have started flirting. It could have gotten to the point where she was ready to let me go.

 

It just sucks because there's nothing I can do. I texted her on Christmas wishing her and a family a Merry Christmas and happy new year and let her know I passed my exams to get into grad. school, etc., just to, you know, let her know that I am going for it and I can do it. She didn't respond.

 

There's been no contact since, it's only been a little over a week, wow.

 

I want so bad to text/e-mail her and tell her that I'm sorry for hurting her. I wasn't the same person as when we first started dating and my lifestyle was hardly desirable. I want to tell her that I won't make the same mistakes again in my next relationship. It's all hopeless though, right?

 

You're most likely thinking that I shouldn't want to be with someone like this anyway, but what if it was because of the way I became that pushed her away and allowed herself to open up to other people?

 

I have a huge void inside. I believe she's already begun to fill that void so it's not painful for her and I want to know if there's ever a time in the future, if I feel the same way, where it'd be OK to reach out to her. If I do want her back, it would have to be starting over from the beginning, just talking, and I'm OK with that, I just have to get to the point where we can communicate again.

 

If this thing ends with whoever she's seeing now, do you think she'll try to contact me? Will I never hear from her again. I sound miserable and like a bitch, but I've been struggling like this for some time.

 

I don't think she knows that I KNOW that she's seeing her coworker. She's OK with getting off the hook without having to give me any explanations. Is it worth my time to tell her that I believe she started seeing this kid before we broke up? It doesn't even matter, does it?

 

I know I wrote a lot, thanks for reading. Things only became bad a few weeks prior to our breakup. She looks like an awful person but I still think she's an amazing girl (I'm putting her on a pedestal, I know), and I take my share of the responsibility that if I valued her more this wouldn't have happened.

 

What do you all think?

[OhThatGirl]

No contact. None. Nada.

 

What she did or didn't do in the relationship doesnt matter because the relationship has ended. I can tell you with most certainty that she did not end things because you "didnt show her the love." I can tell you that instead she probably ended things because you got lazy. You got lazy about keeping your life together. You got lazy about keeping her place clean. You got lazy about keeping mystery and intrigue in the relationship.

 

After she tells you its over you wanted to meet with her repeatedly and criticize what she had done in the relationship?? Talked to her parents about how you were feeling?? No no no no. Im going to be very blunt with you: It all reads as being very needy. Needy, especially when the relationship is already over, is unattractive.

 

My suggestion is absolutely zero contact. This will be for a couple reasons.

1) Give her a chance to miss you!! By being in constant contact you are reassuring her she made the right decision!

2) You will have a chance to work on yourself! You admit you became complacent. You werent moving forward in your career. Werent going to school. You were staying at her place out of a bag. Take a chance to do the things you need to do in order to make yourself happy. Men who work hard at being the best at something (and honestly it doesnt matter WHAT) feel a sense of pride that women can see from a million miles away. Its incredibly attractive.

 

Whether you end up with her again or not, you will be a better happier person if you cut ties, work on moving forward, and know that you are (at least on the way to being) the best version of yourself.

 

The fact that she was willing to meet with you means that she cares. It doesnt necessarily mean that it will work out eventually. But I can guarantee if you continue to contact her she will be sure she made the right decision regarding the break up.

 

Dont talk to her. Be a confident proud and self assured man that is working to make his dreams come true. Maybe eventually after not hearing from you and realizing youve put a lot of work into yourself she will reconsider. Worst case scenario is she wont, but by then you will be happy, loving life, and drawing the attention of other great girls.

 

No contact!

[David87]

Kick her off that pedestal as fast as you can, and NC .

[TheGreatGatsby]

Thanks for the responses so far.

 

"OhthatGirl" I didn't criticize her when we met up. If I mentioned that anywhere in the 1st post I probably wasn't clear, I apologize.

 

What hurts is that I know I'm not a perfect guy but I never mistreated her, I'd always offer words of encouragement when she was down, and I'd be by her side in times of need when she was dealing with tough things with work/family.

 

I just thought I'd deserve a chance to show her I can fix some of the things she had issues with.

 

Or were her issues she told me just the blame game? She was already flirting with a guy and went out with him a week prior to us breaking up (although that ended quickly), and 1 month AFTER we broke up her coworker was staying over her apartment. So were her reasons really just excuses because she started to become emotionally invested in her coworker weeks or a month prior and she examined our relationship and she found reasons to make me out to be a monster?

 

Again, I was living kind of like a slob, but I wasn't really moved in with her, so it was tough, but I admit looking back I wasn't helping with the dishes/cleaning as much, I wasn't taking my exams for grad school, etc....

 

I guess it's which came first, the chicken or the egg, you know? She could have started to fall out of love with me because of those things but she failed to tell me a change was needed. I was getting complacent with things. I loved this girl, we talked about getting engaged and our future, I figured if she wasn't happy with things she'd tell me and give me a kick in the ass and say let's get going, not give me a kick in the ass to the curb!

 

So we broke up mid-October, when I drove to her place and saw her coworker driving her car when she told me to move on that was Dec. 10th. So after that I sent ONE text the day after Christmas wishing her fam. a merry christmas, happy new yr, and to let her know I passed my exams.

 

So I have been improving myself since the breakup. I'm back at the gym all the time, I finally took my exams and got into school, I got my certifications, so things are looking up.

 

I WANT TO TELL HER THAT I'M SORRY FOR HURTING HER AND PUSHING HER AWAY. I CAN SEE NOW THAT THE LAST FEW MONTHS I LIVED LIKE A SLOB AND I WASN'T PROGRESSING WITH MY LIFE. IS THAT BAD? IF I STAY NO CONTACT HOW WILL SHE KNOW THAT I CAN CHANGE AND I'M WILLING. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THIS GIRL. IF THOSE WERE THE ONLY ISSUES, IF THEY WERE REALLY ISSUES FOR BREAKING UP WITH ME, THEN WOULDN'T ME TELLING HER THAT I SEE MY MISTAKES AND I WON'T WANT TO MAKE THEM AGAIN WORK?

 

I know it won't because she's seeing someone else now. But if we shared something so great and we did see a future together do you think she would ever reach out to me?

 

I know I need to move on, and it's very difficult, I'm glad I can come here to vent. I know it's over, at least for now, and until I can accept she may never come back I'll never truly let go, but I'm having a hard time letting go.

 

I am a good guy and I'd never hurt her and I just want a 2nd chance.

I know I can live without her, I can thrive without her, but despite what she's done before we broke up I CAN forgive her and I AM willing to put it behind us. But she has to want to as well....

 

Is there any chance of hearing from her if she's told me to move on and if she blocked me from gchat and unfriended my entire family from Facebook?

[TheGreatGatsby]

another quick thing i can remember is this:

 

she told me a few weeks before breaking up through gchat (we used to talk on gchat while we were each at our separate jobs) that she's having a hard time at work and it's stressing her out. I tried to console her and tell her things will get better and I'm here to listen and she said something like "i wish you could just live a day in my shoes and see how tough it is. I don't think you understand. you say you do but you don't get it."

 

Could that be another issue too? She's at a point where she's moving up in her career and working long hours. I am not in the same field as her, could that play a role? I thought it was good because I balance her out. We connect on a personal level so well but what scares me is she and her mother both said that "we're two different people"...well isn't that a GOOD thing?

 

I have a feeling she may resent that I don't appreciate her work but I was always there to listen and offer my thoughts and help her through things so that sucked to hear that. And with her seeing her coworker that could be bad for me because he CAN relate to her work.

 

I know it's a longshot but I'm hoping that she realizes that this kid is just a rebound and if our love was true and strong and she misses me she'll regret it and reach out. The thing is that she hardly admitted that she was wrong with things and rarely apologized. It was something I could live it.

 

In a relationship I feel like if you love the person and see yourself with them you learn to take some of the characteristics that are less than desirable and look past them. Perhaps she couldn't do that with me?

 

Are the reasons for her breaking up with me too petty? Don't a lot of guys "live like slobs?" I'm not throwing all guys into the mix, I'm just saying aren't being groomed for housekeeping something you can become better at? It sucked for me because I didn't really have a permanent place in her apartment.

 

Please help :/

[Sasukie]

Don't try to rationalize or try and find answers. Know this, the moment she walked out of your life she gave you up. You can ask a billion "why did she do this, or maybe she feels this? Or she might just not understand how I feel!"

 

None of that matters. Like what the posters said above, the moment a couple breaks up, you can't fix the relationship. You and your girlfriend are not a special case, nor is she "special" compared to every other girl. Yes maybe to you, but there is a general trend from all our topics and break ups.

 

Go no contact, and suffer for a while. I'll be straight up with you, you should start your healing process now, the moment you message her you'll feel like s*&^ because:

 

a) lets say she replies - you randomly build false hope that something still exists when there really isn't

 

b) she doesn't reply - you worry all the same.

 

Most girls don't break up with you just for one reason, its a sum of reasons. Maybe your personality, maybe something else that threw her off, and maybe there was this special guy who caught her attention. I wouldn't worry about it because there are way too many reasons. Let her go and mope around for a bit.

[Chi townD]

You want closure, okay! Here's it is!

 

1. She's a Liar

2. she's a cheat

3. she's a coward.

4. she has no respect for you.

 

There ya go! Dude, you deserve so much better than that. You stated that she is an amazing girl. I disagree to a point. She WAS and amazing girl. You're clinging onto the memory of how she was when you first started dating her. But, at the end, she turned into the person I described above.

 

Now, you're doing the most INSANE things that are making you look psycho in her eyes. She did you wrong, but your behavior is making it easy as hell to forgive herself for treating you that way. She's saying to herself, "Geez, can't this dude take a hint! This dude is crazy! He's showing his true colors and I'm glad I got rid of his ass. If he keeps it up, I'm gonna have to get a restraining order." See, you just gave her several excuses to ease her guilt and forgive herself.

 

Time to heal and move on. You're never going to get the closure that you want. Her actions should have already given you that. Not her words.

[OhThatGirl]

Yep. Listen to us.

 

It doesn't matter what she was doing at the end of the relationship. It doesn't matter who she was talking to, what her feelings were, or what your role was. The only thing that matters now is that the relationship has ended. You will drive yourself crazy trying to map out a timeline of everything she was doing and feeling that led to it not working out.

 

You can't fix this. You can't fix it by determining why she left or how to repair it. You can't. Really. You can't fix it. (I know this is repetitive but it's important)..

 

What you CAN do is accept that you aren't going to be able to fix it, give her zero contact (absolute importance), and do things that make you a stronger, more fulfilled, happier, radiant, confident man. Go to the gym. Run. Study. Build stuff. Listen to and make music. Rearrange furniture. Clean. Take a cooking class. Practice seductive looks in the mirror. (Oh.. Well, it's not for everyone)

 

Do not apologize for hurting her and pushing her away. You didn't. She did. She hurt you and pushed you away when she ended the relationship. Apologizing for her behavior is going to make you seem like a complete doormat! She is not going to recognize that you're apologizing for what led to the relationship failing.. Because she's not thinking about it!

 

Work on yourself. Go nooooo contact at all. Count the minutes when it is too difficult to count the days. Just know that you absolutely should not talk to her.

 

How is she going to know you've done all this self improvement? She will. She will know it because you're not calling her to apologize for her breaking your heart. Then maybe a month or so down the line she hasn't heard from you and gets curious. She will find out. Trust me.

 

And here's the best part.. When you've done the work (and YES, it's work to move on, make no contact, and better yourself) you will have taken her off her pedestal and realized you don't even want HER back. Hard to imagine. It's true.

 

Come back whenever you need support. We will be happy to repeat ourselves a million times and reassure you these are the best things for you to do for yourself.

[wwwwww]

To the OP, I am sorry about your situation. We here, have all been through it.

 

But to reinstate OhThatGirl, laziness is the ultimate anti-poon.

 

However in your defense you're in the thick of a breakup. I know it is hard to be split from someone you were so close to.

 

Through the fog you might get some clarity from the echoes of a lot of posters here telling you that confidence, having your life together, whatever it may be will reel the women back into your life. But you can't fake it and just instantly become some alpha male.

 

You need time to grieve and get some insight. Gain yourself back and even though the pain will be there, you've got to focus on yourself and just take some time off so that whenever you go to the grocery store, or go to dinner, you won't be wishing she was there.

 

Don't try to contact her any more because yes coming off clingy and needy will lock a woman's legs together like a vault.

 

As hard as it is, sometimes people who have the ability to really love someone need these kinds of experiences so that we can reflect and learn from our mistakes if we are so fortunate enough to get into another relationship. You'll get through it.

[sw2020]

Women can make the best of us act like crazed lunatics. Now is definitely the time to cut the crazy and get on with making yourself sorted.

[TheGreatGatsby]

I don't disagree about what anyone is saying.

We did break up mid-October. It has been 3 months although obviously communication in between.

 

I have had time to reflect and think about some of the things that led to the breakup.

 

Would it be detrimental to send her a text and say something like:

 

"I want to give you proper space and I think it's best for the both of us so we can both move on. I have had some time to reflect and I just want to say I'm sorry for hurting you and pushing you away during the last few months of our relationship. I see now that my attitude and lifestyle was not improving and I was staying over your place every single night and not giving you, or I, the proper space that we needed. Even when you suggested it I took it as us taking a step back and I failed to put myself in your shoes and think about how you felt. I recognize my mistakes and I am sorry for what I've done. I will not make the same mistakes again and I do hope we can put things behind as I'd like to talk again in the future when the time is right, and I hope you feel the same way too."

 

Is this awful to send? What if she thinks that I'll never change and be hesitant to reach out to me again if she's blocking me out of her life completely?

Why is it so bad to tell her that I'm sorry for not being the same person as when we first met? Isn't saying you're sorry a sign of strength rather than a sign of weakness? I do admit, I want her to initiate contact with me again, but I understand if it's not anytime soon.

 

I just want her to know that I'm not stubborn and naive to think this is entirely her fault. I do think she could have handled the breakup differently, but I take responsibility for giving her a reason too. I wasn't a "bad boyfriend" but I was getting a bit lazy so I understand where it came from. It sucks it's taken us to break up for me to step back and realize it, but if we saw a future together and we were really happy and in love for almost the entire relationship, is there any hope of her reaching out to me?

 

I'm scared for many reasons guys, but one of them is this:

She is a very strong and independent woman. When I met her we hit it off and I was able to see a side of her not many know. She opened herself up to me and it's amazing to see that side of her when others only see her from the surface. With someone like her I'm afraid she'll find it easier than others to "flip the switch" and lock me out forever. Even if she does think of me I think she won't reach out. How will I know when it's OK to say hi? (I know the response will be only when I'm completely over her and don't expect or want a relationship).

 

Anyway, what do you guys think? I'm still struggling, I know it's a long road.

[TheGreatGatsby]

this is the text/e-mail I came up with. I have yet to send it. After reading my story, do you think it's a bad idea?

 

 

Hi ----, it's been a few months and I've had time to reflect. I appreciate and think its appropriate for us to have our space so that we're both able to move forward. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for pushing you away towards the end of our relationship. I did not listen to you when you suggested I don't stay over every day. I failed to put myself in your shoes or take how you felt into consideration. I lived like a slob at your place and did not help out nearly as much as I should have. It's embarrassing looking back. I wasn't even improving my personal life, putting my career on the back burner. I overall stopped being the person I was when we first met and that must have drove you away and I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm taking what I learned so I can improve myself in my next relationship as I do not want to be that person again. I've already started to make some changes. It is in the past but I take responsibility and acknowledge I failed to give everything I had when I know that I can give more. It might still be a good idea to keep our distance for now but I do want to put everything behind us and hopefully talk again. I think I'd like that and have you in my life at some capacity, and I hope you'd want the same. I really hope you're doing well, please don't be hesitant to say "hey".

 

 

I do not anticipate a response from my message, so I don't have any expectations. The reason for the message is because I really do recognize that there's a lot that went awry towards the end of the relationship. I really do want to make the necessary changes for improvement and I've already started to do so. If i'm still interested in her if/when things end with this new guy, she may be more hesitant to reach out to me if she thinks back and remembers the way i was and the reason she broke things off. She may think that I'm the same person as before and think i'm stubborn enough to not change. I just thought if I did let her know that I do acknowledge my mistakes when the time is right, she would be more apt to reach out to me.

 

What do you all think?

[JDPT]

It no longer matters what she said or did or mean or didn't mean it's all in the past now. No need to hope for a different past. Understand the fact that she was done with the relationship long ago. Your situation is actually pretty common. She attempted to deal with a relationship in which she wasn't happy in until it reached the point where she had enough and called I quits. While in a relationship we often get "comfortable" sometimes too comfortable to tr point that we believe that out exes will put up with us no matter what. This is clearly a ubiquitous misconception. Our exes aren't our parents, there is no unconditional love they can and will as in your case kick us to the curb. At this point you should solely focus on you and your career. Do things for you, pave a Bette future for YOU and no one else. You have the inner strength to propel yoursel through this. Don drive by her home or contact her true me you will only end up hurtin yourself, we already have you a fair warning. Be strong friend and power through this.

[OhThatGirl]

Don't do it!! Nooooo!!

 

It was good that you wrote that email. Write as many as you'd like. But don't send them. In fact, keep posting them. It may help you to read back over them a day or two later.

 

I'll say this again. You won't fix anything by sending her an email. You won't make her change her mind about why things didn't work out. You can't. She's not even thinking about why it didn't work out. In her mind it may not have been your fault.

 

 

Look. You said that one of the reasons she broke up with you is because she was treating you like sh*t. Listen to her. Listen to her say she didn't want to be with you but instead of being able to break it off she treated you badly. You didn't stand up for yourself then, so do it now. NO GIRL/WOMAN in the history of time eveeeeerrrrr wanted a guy she could treat poorly. Ever. Boundaries are the sexiest thing to us. By you sending her another email apologizing for everything you think you did that pushed her away you makes her believe you still don't understand and it will push her away further. She DOES NOT WANT YOU TO APOLOGIZE. She wants you to realize you didn't set boundaries. You were a doormat. The only way to undo this belief is if you realize you don't need her, deserve better, and move on. Set boundaries now. Do not contact her. Don't do it.

 

You have to have faith that you didn't screw things up. You can't apologize for the things you've done because that's not why it ended. Apologizing is the absolute worst thing to do. She doesn't feel bad! There's nothing to apologize for!

 

Have faith in the fact that you spent a great deal of time together and that you meant a lot to her. Trust that down the road at some point you will likely hear from her again. (No one is ever sure this will happen but most likely it will.. At least in my experiences) Know that if she still cares for you she will eventually reach out to see how you're doing. When she does, the best thing you can be is moved on and doing well.

 

Take it from a recently single woman (I broke up with him, for good reason) that it is grating on my last nerve that he isn't trying to contact me. It makes me curious about what he's doing and how he feels. BUT if he were to contact me and I knew these things I wouldn't be thinking about him at all.. I'd know.. And it would make moving on that much easier! Believe that mystery and curiosity are incredibly powerful things. He did wrong. He got dumped. But he still holds some power in not making contact.

 

You need this power.

 

Don't contact her. It's going to make you feel worse. Even if it's the thing you've wanted most in life. It's going to suck. Trust me.

[Chi townD]

Should you send the email/text? Hmmm....lets think on this for a moment and take stock of what we know.

 

1. She's a Liar

2. she's a cheat

3. she's a coward.

4. she has no respect for you.

 

 

Therefore, she could give a rats ass what you have to say. She'll think that you're being pathetic and can't let go and move on. Hence, you'll give her a massive ego boost. "Damn, he just can't let go, can he!"

 

My vote is "NO" don't send it.

[WYSWYG]

to the OP, google "sociopath". Seems like she fits that description.

 

My ex was the same. BU 2 months ago.

 

Just like you, I went out of my way to take care of her. You and I are apparently "co-dependents" in that way. Seems like those two character traits attract each other like magnets.

 

I went NC since and made assessments on the last RS so I can be better prepared for the next one. The BU pain still lingers. I'm mostly in the anger stage lately but I know it takes time.

 

There's a LOT of helpful threads here. "Oracle's" thread pinned on top of the page made a lot of sense. Keep writing your letters but don't send them. Post them here to relieve yourself.

 

She's not that same, loving, caring girl we used to know. Hard to do but you have to let it go..

[WYSWYG]

BTW, as much as you wanna see her or wonder what her life is. Avoid driving by her place or any form of stalking. Be aware that your curiosity will only hurt you more. You'll see thing you don't wana see and your imagination will paint ugly pictures in your head.

Edited January 11, 2014 by WYSWYG

[anna121]

For the love of God, do not send that email.

 

It's good for you to get it out by venting here but…

 

It reeeeally makes you look pathetic. I'm sorry, but it does. It will make her feel pity for you. NOT in a good way.

 

Take it from everyone posting here, but ESPECIALLY the women.

 

Just. Don't.

 

(ps - since it's a recurring theme for you, how will she know that you've "changed"? If the day ever comes that she is motivated enough to care, she will find a way to let you know that she is interested. I guarantee it. Although my advice to you would probably be: steer clear.)

[Sasukie]

OP, been there done that. I sent an email or text similar to what you did maybe 2 weeks into breaking up. Trying to rationalize and help her "see". Response? "i agree with what you're saying, but I still think we should keep things as is."

 

Once a girl decides to break up, when they actively choose to do so, the effort to find a new girl is so much less than to fix a mess that's broken.

 

Also - if you're not willing to see that most of the people posting have gone through a very similar situation to you. Then I say go for it, go send those emails. You'll get hit in the face so hard by what she'll do or not do and then when you read back these comments you'll understand why.

 

Sometimes the best lesson is to learn from your own mistakes. So let your emotions run free!

[TheGreatGatsby]

I keep having different feelings.

 

She was a coward and didn't tell me the truth. It's evident she was thinking of someone else and drifted towards them prior to our breakup. I don't point fingers because I could have been a better b/f and I recognize some things I need to work on.

 

Our relationship was great but how she handled the tail end of it was awful. I look at myself and know I can have done a better job at being a better overall person, I just wanted her to be open with me that things were bothering her. I missed the signs. I did get complacent with things, but that happens frequently in relationships, right? It doesn't mean I didn't love her any less, it means that I stopped showing it to her as much and she started to receive it elsewhere.

 

But what I want to say is that I caught her by going on her Facebook (again I feel awful doing this and will not do anything like that again) and seeing she was flirting with another guy and went out with him on what he called a "date" prior to us breaking up, about a week or so prior. She even went so far in those messages to say "rumor has it you have a crush on me". Just sick stuff that shouldn't have happened because we were still in a relationship. Maybe it's not cheating, but it's definitely not the mark of being faithful either. I can't help but reflect on myself though. IIIIII drove her away. IIIII made it easier for her to talk to other people because she wasn't getting out of the relationship from me what I used to give. I don't condone what she did, but I understand my faults in making it EASIER for her to do them.

 

She doesn't know I drove by and got the license plate and knows she's sleeping with her coworker. When I drove to her place the 2nd time to talk to her he was driving her car as I mentioned and I asked who she was with and she said "it's just a coworker". So I knew it was him. But I didn't call her out on it.

 

I sent two e-mails (dec. 4th and the day after I saw her on dec. 11h) basically being a little bitch and telling her I'm not mad at her for her decision and maybe it was just bad timing and not that we're "two different people" and "weren't meant to be" like she had told me.

 

She then texted me saying she gets it. enough was enough. I need to stop and move on. She's sorry things didn't work out but I need to move on.

 

So I have my answer. I get it, but because of the way I acted I gave her total control and she's probably vindicated and doesn't even think she did anything wrong.

 

I'm left with knowing the truth and I let it slide too easily that she went on a date with another guy. We did meet up in mid-november (we broke up oct 12th), because I confronted her about the Facebook guy (he's someone different from her coworker), and I think she only met up with me so that she could take the blame off of her and tell me it was nothing. And man did I buy it. I completely forgave her, because I wanted to get back with her.

 

So now we're not talking, and it looks like because she told me to move on and not because I chose to, AND she doesn't know that I KNOW that she slept with her coworker weeks after we broke up and that they probably started talking prior to our breakup and one of the reasons why she ended things was that she could start a relationship with someone else.

 

It just ****ing hurts. As you can see, just from yesterday I wanted to send her an e-mail telling her I recognize my mistakes (which I do), but everyone's saying I'll look weak. Well it's probably not a good idea either to tell her that I know she left me for someone else. That'd just be me throwing a guilt trip on her right?

 

I know I have to be the stronger person, but she's getting off so easy and thinking she made the right decision because I came crawling back and basically let her off after finding out she went out with another guy and left me for a co-worker. I feel like a bitch now. It's too late to even say anything, huh? Is there anything I can do?

 

After knowing my story, if I continue my no contact, is there any chance she would ever reach out to me again? (If at that time I'd even be interested), but I just want to know, did I cause too much damage where she's never going to see how I'm doing or want to talk?

 

When I move on, when I become indifferent, is it OK to then reach out? Should the ball always be in her court?

 

I know I have to let go, I just want to know if by what you've heard if you think I've ruined ALL chances for anything in the future.

 

Again, I'm only giving you the bad and the tail-end of our relationship. We did have a loving relationship, it just went all to flames the last month or so. Work really got to her, she felt like I couldn't relate because I wasn't starting mine yet, and I think it all got to her. I don't know. Any more advice, so far you guys have been great.

 

I DID NOT SEND THE E-MAIL/TEXT BY THE WAY.

[TheGreatGatsby]

Here's the recap of events for the most part:

 

she broke-up with me on Oct. 12th

 

met and spoke a week or so later (it was civil, we both cried, she said who knows what the future will hold, we may meet up again)

 

mid-november I had a sick feeling she wasn't telling me the truth so I went on her facebook (and found out she went on a date with someone)

 

we agreed to meet a few days later (most likely so she could absolve herself from feeling guilty)

 

nov.30th I drive by her place and see her coworker's car in her driveway at 4am

 

early dec. talk to her mother (prob. a bad idea but we were close. She said her daughter said we're 2 different people and need to move on. I don't know why I reached out to her probably because she was the only one not blocking me. sad.)

 

drove to my ex's dec. 10th (that's when the coworker was driving her car and my ex told me to move on. I was a bumbling idiot and told her to not dismiss our relationship by saying we're not meant to be and maybe it was just bad timing)

 

next day, the 11th I sent an e-mail telling her I lost focus and I'm not upset at her decision for ending things. I told her I wish I could have made the adjustments that I needed to, but that will come with time and to not dismiss things for the future. The ending went like this:

 

"I'm writing this e-mail for closure, something I really need so I can move on. But I also hope that you can honestly reflect too and leave the possibility open that not only am I still the same person you first fell in love with, but if given time I could end up becoming the guy you saw in me all along.")

 

she then breaks no contact that day on dec. 11th and tells me she gets it, but enough is enough, move on. sorry things didn't work out ,she hopes that's the closure I need.

 

no contact until either side until...

 

dec. 26th, day after christmas I wished her merry christmas, told her I passed my exams, etc. wished her good luck with her promotion coming up and that was it. no mention of relationship or anything. no response, but I didn't expect one.

 

no contact since then.

 

 

I'm only telling you the bad part of our relationship, the end. I'm not trying to defend her as a person, what she did was wrong, but everything leading up to our breakup or about a month prior was great. Anyway...

 

 

It just sucks. Now that I'm mad I missed the opportunity to make her responsible for what she did (going on a date with another guy WHILE we were still together) that's inexcusable! I'd never tolerate that otherwise. I had her on that pedestal and now it's too late for her to take responsibility. I vindicated her of all of that. awful.

[Simon Phoenix]

You saying anything wouldn't make her "responsible" for it. She'd just ignore you and blow you off anyway.

[OhThatGirl]

^^^Right.

 

You're not going to make her feel responsibility. I'll tell you again.. None of these things that she did matter. They just don't. It's over.

 

When I found out the guy I was with for a year had an active online dating profile I broke up with HIM. I have standards. I don't want to be with someone who isn't entirely in OUR relationship.

 

Therefore.. I suggest you do the same! Have standards. You aren't going to get an apology or acknowledgement that she did something wrong. YOU know she checked out of the relationship and the thing YOU are able to control is checking out of it yourself.

 

You aren't going to fix the relationship. The things that happened don't matter. Stop thinking about what went wrong, why it didn't work, and start thinking about how you're going to move on.

 

It doesn't matter if she will contact you down the road. You will see it as a sign of hope and she will probably just be curious. Only that. Once she has her answers she will progress with moving on.

 

Bet thing you can do is put it all away and use all your self control to not think about it, not contact her, and for the love of God... STOP LOGGING INTO HER FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. It's lame and incredibly disrespectful. Be a better person than that.

[Sasukie]

Do as you will. You're scraping for breadcrumbs and reasons from her because you feel bad that she could go away easily and happy. You want her to suffer, this is what this is all about.

 

Let it be, the more you circle around this the angrier and sadder you'll feel when you realize she doesn't even think about you.

 

Keep on keeping on.

[chalanting]

What's something you're really good at? Anything, could be how well you can hang fly paper to get the most bugs. Whatever it is - go do it.

 

Keep journaling (here or totally private). Keep putting names to the feelings you're feeling. Keep working through this -- it's hard, it's painful and it SUCKS.

 

Do something for yourself in appreciation for how far you've come so far. Give yourself some space. Love yourself