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Am I a dreaded 'Nice Guy'. Dates never go anywhere.


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Posted

Basically I can't think of a logical reason why my dates never ever work out. The only two reasons I can come up with is 1. I met them online (POF, OKC etc) so they fall in to the category of wanting to date and date with an endless choice of men or 2. I'm a 'Nice Guy'.

 

Without sounding arrogant I'm quite good looking. I'm completely happy with myself. I have tonnes of hobbies. Keep fit in the gym 5 days a week. Impecable taste in music and fashion. I have friends. I'm confident and funny. I have a good positive outlook on everything. My life is actually great, it's just missing a lady to share it with.

 

Over the last year or so I've been on around 20 dates. Of them, only 5 have ever lasted more than a month (one lasted around 6 months and then just sort of fizzled out like the rest). Not one single date has been boring. The conversation has been great. A lot of playful teasing. I usually get a 1st date kiss around 80% of the time. But then never hear back or it just fizzles out after 2-3 follow up dates (all really cool date ideas, The more dates I go on the more I invest in the ideas). For 1st dates though I only ever chose bars. I know a number of cool under the radar palces so will head to 2-3 of them with the girl. As for paying it usually ends up with me getting the first round then they oblige to get the second. Then I get the third etc. As for my persona I am a nice person. but I really don't know if I am this 'Nice Guy' that everyone seems to hate :/

 

It's got to the point where I just don't understand anymore. I know it's hard for anyone on here to give a valid judgement without actually seeing me on a date but is it time to give up online dating? If so I really don't have much luck. I'm no good in clubs. I can dance good but never know what to say. It's not my scene. I only ever go out with friends to have a good time. Meeting girls in teh street here is just seen as weird and my friends never introduce me to female friends. It only ever seems like I have online dating.

 

Thanks for any advice :) Good or bad. I'm 23 by the way if that matters.

Posted

Why are you bringing up bars...who buys drinks? This is the extent of what you offer? This is your image of yourself and a girl...bars?

 

Ever go on a first meet to a museum....on a hike...a bike ride. You say you are a nice but you come across as a shallow, boring nice guy. Instead of focusing on who buys the first drink, why not buy her a rose and take her on a picnic?

Posted

Over the last year or so I've been on around 20 dates. Of them, only 5 have ever lasted more than a month (one lasted around 6 months and then just sort of fizzled out like the rest).

 

Not sure how you consider getting 4 short-term and 1 long-term relationship as 'dates not working out'. Or do you mean relationships not working out?

 

It does not sound like your problem is being 'too nice', but a few more details, like what the girls say when they stop seeing you, might help us give feedback.

  • Like 1
Posted

you're 23

 

stop online dating (you will never find the prom queen or king with OLD) and the girls that do are typically losers, talk to people in real life... if you are taking girls to bars, you should be sleeping with them asap

 

if you need practice, go to clubs just to talk to girls, they are essentially sluts/attention whores so them "rejecting" you means nothing

 

have fun and dont make a job out of it and learn from your mistakes

  • Like 3
Posted
Basically I can't think of a logical reason why my dates never ever work out. The only two reasons I can come up with is 1. I met them online (POF, OKC etc) so they fall in to the category of wanting to date and date with an endless choice of men or 2. I'm a 'Nice Guy'.

 

Without sounding arrogant I'm quite good looking. I'm completely happy with myself. I have tonnes of hobbies. Keep fit in the gym 5 days a week. Impecable taste in music and fashion. I have friends. I'm confident and funny. I have a good positive outlook on everything. My life is actually great, it's just missing a lady to share it with.

 

Over the last year or so I've been on around 20 dates. Of them, only 5 have ever lasted more than a month (one lasted around 6 months and then just sort of fizzled out like the rest). Not one single date has been boring. The conversation has been great. A lot of playful teasing. I usually get a 1st date kiss around 80% of the time. But then never hear back or it just fizzles out after 2-3 follow up dates (all really cool date ideas, The more dates I go on the more I invest in the ideas). For 1st dates though I only ever chose bars. I know a number of cool under the radar palces so will head to 2-3 of them with the girl. As for paying it usually ends up with me getting the first round then they oblige to get the second. Then I get the third etc. As for my persona I am a nice person. but I really don't know if I am this 'Nice Guy' that everyone seems to hate :/

 

It's got to the point where I just don't understand anymore. I know it's hard for anyone on here to give a valid judgement without actually seeing me on a date but is it time to give up online dating? If so I really don't have much luck. I'm no good in clubs. I can dance good but never know what to say. It's not my scene. I only ever go out with friends to have a good time. Meeting girls in teh street here is just seen as weird and my friends never introduce me to female friends. It only ever seems like I have online dating.

 

Thanks for any advice :) Good or bad. I'm 23 by the way if that matters.

 

When I was your age, having fun in clubs, that fun almost always included some pretty young ladies. For crying out loud, stop online dating (if you are indeed describing yourself realistically).

  • Like 1
Posted

Is it really a nice act if you expect them to return the favor?

  • Like 2
Posted
Basically I can't think of a logical reason why my dates never ever work out. The only two reasons I can come up with is 1. I met them online (POF, OKC etc) so they fall in to the category of wanting to date and date with an endless choice of men or 2. I'm a 'Nice Guy'.

 

Without sounding arrogant I'm quite good looking. I'm completely happy with myself. I have tonnes of hobbies. Keep fit in the gym 5 days a week. Impecable taste in music and fashion. I have friends. I'm confident and funny. I have a good positive outlook on everything. My life is actually great, it's just missing a lady to share it with.

 

Over the last year or so I've been on around 20 dates. Of them, only 5 have ever lasted more than a month (one lasted around 6 months and then just sort of fizzled out like the rest). Not one single date has been boring. The conversation has been great. A lot of playful teasing. I usually get a 1st date kiss around 80% of the time. But then never hear back or it just fizzles out after 2-3 follow up dates (all really cool date ideas, The more dates I go on the more I invest in the ideas). For 1st dates though I only ever chose bars. I know a number of cool under the radar palces so will head to 2-3 of them with the girl. As for paying it usually ends up with me getting the first round then they oblige to get the second. Then I get the third etc. As for my persona I am a nice person. but I really don't know if I am this 'Nice Guy' that everyone seems to hate :/

 

It's got to the point where I just don't understand anymore. I know it's hard for anyone on here to give a valid judgement without actually seeing me on a date but is it time to give up online dating? If so I really don't have much luck. I'm no good in clubs. I can dance good but never know what to say. It's not my scene. I only ever go out with friends to have a good time. Meeting girls in teh street here is just seen as weird and my friends never introduce me to female friends. It only ever seems like I have online dating.

 

Thanks for any advice :) Good or bad. I'm 23 by the way if that matters.

 

In one year u had one 6 months "relationship". That means dating is not the issue.

Anyways u r just 23... Have fun.. Don't worry so much!

Posted

Honestly OP your track record doesn't sound that bad for a 23 year old. There's a lot of the "numbers game" in early-stage dating, and rejection is the result a lot of the time. You're also 23, and if you're dating women the same age, a lot of folks just aren't looking for something very serious at that age.

 

That said, what I'm seeing a lot of in your post is a description of how YOU comport yourself on a date, whether YOU are doing something interesting, whether you match up, etc. What about these ladies? Perhaps what you need to take another look at right now is what kind of woman you want to date... don't like fast hookups that fizzle out after 3 weeks? a bar might not be the place to meet (or take) a woman, then. OLD is great for meeting lots of people in a short period of time, but it does come with the drawback that there are a lot of flaky people on it as well. When I was OLDing I met a lot fo great guys, had great chemistry... but still, it would fizzle a lot of the time.

 

So I guess my advice is as follows:

 

1) Take some more time to think about the kind of woman you want to meet. Focus less on you and more on what traits you want from a potential girlfriend. Try to meet women in those settings, or take the ones you meet on OLD to places that are more about doing activities together than about hooking up. It could very well be that when you take a girl to a bar, she gets an idea about who you are and what you're after (unflatteringly so). While you're on the date, ask about her... get to know her. Let her shine and give you an image of who she is. The more you show interest in that way, the better your dates will be, and frankly, the better you'll be able to appraise whether this woman is one you want to see again.

 

2) Try not to put so much pressure on yourself to make it succeed. Unfortunately, early stage dating is just a ton or rejection. Always follow up with women you see who interest you... but don't get too down on yourself if things don't work out. OLD, in particular, is all about managing one's expectations.

  • Like 3
Posted
Do you have sex?

 

^ I would also like to hear the answer for this. Sex too early is a good way to scare a girl away.

Posted

Are the girls around your age range or younger? If so maybe those girls you have been with didn't want anything serious at the time. There's a possibility that if you are good looking and have good sense of fashion with lots of interesting qualities about you, those girls though they can find similar guys like you and have endless fun.

Posted

Sounds like you've got some kinda insecurity going that has nothing to do with your love life.

 

Having one six month relationship and 5 one month + relationships is a lot more than the vast majority of people I know. The fact that you think there's something wrong with you indicates you've got another chip on your shoulder. The fact that you bring up "nice guy" is also perplexing as "nice guy" syndrome is something that describes men who can't get a first (or maybe 2nd date); not someone who has relationships which don't pan out.

 

I'm also kinda curious as to your expectations. You've had one long term relationship in the last year and several short ones. Was your goal to get married this year or something? You do realize that a lot of people go YEARS without dating anybody or being in any sort of serious relationship.

 

^ I would also like to hear the answer for this. Sex too early is a good way to scare a girl away.

 

As is no sex after six months of dating :D

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for all the indepth responses people!

 

@Eau Claire one of my hobbies is mountain biking. I set up a date with a girl I got speaking with who also does this. So that was one. I'm definitely not shallow but I do know what I want. I find most of the girls I meet are quite shy at first so a really cool bar with some drinks is more than enough to ease the mood. As for boring my conversations are far from it "how was your day" "how are you" blah blah blah is what I never ever do. 9 times out of 10 I'll get a text after the date to say "thanks so much for a fun time"

 

@FitChick Never on the first date. Usually between dates 3-5 sex seems to happens naturally.

 

 

And thanks nescafe1982. I'm really in to Indie music. The whole style/fashion too. I'd definitely say I have a type and only date this type of girl. I just couldn't imagine getting along with someone who doesn't like the same music as me (I have a very wide taste, don't worry it's not just 1 genre) as it's pretty much my life and job. Out of all the girls I've dated they've all met this within my vision and I've definitely connected better with the ones who were more in to music than the others. Based on that @CptSaveAho all the blonde slutty dumb girls in night clubs do absolutely nothing for me. I know this sounds bad but I can do a lot better than them. I also know this makes out like I have ridiculously high standard when I don't. I just know what I want and I go for that niche.

 

Thanks again for all the replies thus far.

Posted

No bars or clubs for dates...this to me would be loud and crass. Bars and clubs are equated to me with pickup place so I would think we are friends and you are trying to pick up women. Music places are awesome but not on first date. You can't talk.

If your dates are so shy that they need drinks to loosen them up, that could also be a problem. Drinking on first dates is a no no for me. I don't want to need alcohol or for you to need alcohol in order to interact.

You aren't nice guy, you sound like awkward guy.

Posted

Don't you people realize with this signifies? It shows that despite being confident he still doesn't have luck with women. He's confident enough to attract them but the actual fact of him being a nice guy drives them away.

 

OP you'll probably have to wait until late 20s to find what you're lookin for. You basically described me when you described yourself and while I attract plenty of women as well, it's nearly impossible to find one who is

 

-has high moral integrity

-truly respects people in general and me as an extension of that.

-Physically attractive

-under 25

 

NOT TAKING SHOTS HERE

 

It's just rare for ME to encounter

  • Like 1
Posted
Don't you people realize with this signifies? It shows that despite being confident he still doesn't have luck with women. He's confident enough to attract them but the actual fact of him being a nice guy drives them away.

 

First of all, what do you mean by "you people?" :D

 

That said, it really sounds like you're grasping at straws here in an attempt to support the "nice guys finish last." Since when is one six month relationship and numerous several month relationships over a year "no luck?" Once again, the syndrom that you and he seem so preoccupied with is about men who can't get a date because they're too "nice" (and really it's because they aren't assertive enough). Going one year without finding the love of your life does not mean you have "no luck" with women.

 

Not to mention you have absolutely no way of knowing if him being "nice" is what ended the relationships. Both you and the OP are choosing to look at what seems like a fairly successful year of dating in this skewed view of "nice guys finish last" and that's only going to lead to bitterness and failure in future relationships.

 

Let me put it this way: Had all the facts been the same but he had never used the word "nice," I bet your opinion would be totally different.

 

If he came on and said, "I had an awesome year where I went on about 20 dates. Had five flings where I got laid and one six month relationship!" you'd probably respond, "see, this is proof that bad boys get all the girls!!!"

  • Like 2
Posted

You're doing better than I was at 23 :D (I'm 25 now :p)

Posted
First of all, what do you mean by "you people?" :D

 

That said, it really sounds like you're grasping at straws here in an attempt to support the "nice guys finish last." Since when is one six month relationship and numerous several month relationships over a year "no luck?" Once again, the syndrom that you and he seem so preoccupied with is about men who can't get a date because they're too "nice" (and really it's because they aren't assertive enough). Going one year without finding the love of your life does not mean you have "no luck" with women.

 

Not to mention you have absolutely no way of knowing if him being "nice" is what ended the relationships. Both you and the OP are choosing to look at what seems like a fairly successful year of dating in this skewed view of "nice guys finish last" and that's only going to lead to bitterness and failure in future relationships.

 

Let me put it this way: Had all the facts been the same but he had never used the word "nice," I bet your opinion would be totally different.

 

If he came on and said, "I had an awesome year where I went on about 20 dates. Had five flings where I got laid and one six month relationship!" you'd probably respond, "see, this is proof that bad boys get all the girls!!!"

 

 

 

There isn't really enough evidence to show that they rejected him for being nice alone. I don't really know if being nice in and of itself is a turnoff for women but I would think that for the actual sane ones, it's not.

 

Sometimes, it's easy to displace the frustration from actually never finding someone I want to be with, into myself and my own ability to be liked. I must remember that the special someone has not come yet; it's not like there have been many many women I have strongly desired who've rejected me.

 

It's frustrating when you go years and years without actually finding more than a few people (who had boyfriends anyways) that you even WANT to click with.

  • Like 1
Posted

I think people are too quick to blame the "nice guy" thing because otherwise they would have to look at themselves and find/admit a flaw.

 

I think sometimes you can be boring without realizing it, too hyper and talkative without realizing it, and sometimes when you are talking with a date and expressing yourself they might go along with it like they are on the same page but silently thinking, "We're not on the same page".

 

In a way it kind of sounds like a formula OP has for dating as in, "If I do all these things I'll fit the perfect bf mold and who could say no?".

 

I think OP needs to relax and look at it like 1 date at a time and going out to have fun, not going out to find "the one".

  • 1 month later...
Posted

A nice guy? That is single? Oh wow.. Christmas just came early for me! :bunny:

Posted
Over the last year or so I've been on around 20 dates. Of them, only 5 have ever lasted more than a month (one lasted around 6 months and then just sort of fizzled out like the rest).

Umm OK. So of the last 12 months, 6 was one relationship and 4 more lasted more than one month. That makes over 10 months total. So you got 15 more dates into the remaining 2 months - that's 2 per week.

 

Dude...!

  • Like 1
Posted
you're 23

 

stop online dating (you will never find the prom queen or king with OLD) and the girls that do are typically losers, talk to people in real life... if you are taking girls to bars, you should be sleeping with them asap

 

if you need practice, go to clubs just to talk to girls, they are essentially sluts/attention whores so them "rejecting" you means nothing

 

have fun and dont make a job out of it and learn from your mistakes

 

Your statement reflects your experience and perception based on what you reaped from OLD. Furthermore it is a well known fact that a majority of the outreach conducted in the OLD venue is not reciprocated. So you got rejected by a boat load of supposed losers then. Right?

 

The prom queen of my high school settled big time for a guy she met in real life. Dinosaurs, as enormous and powerful as they were, still went extinct because they didn't fit in to the changes.

 

You are real card blanketing club goers as sluts. The air smells bitter.

Posted

Your dating online girls in their twenties. They have a bazillion options and most are trying to experience life and find out who they are and what they want.

 

Sounds like your doing pretty well to me. Might want to look into picking up your kissing game though. Lots of kisses with lots of misses for a second date isnt a great sign.

 

Ill give you a couple plays out of my book. Its worked for me a million times might be worth a shot.

 

At the end of the night when things get smooth pull her in close. Look deep into her eyes, then up and down her body. Lick your lips as she stares back at you and say, "Come here you!".

 

She will come in for the kiss but make it a short one. Stop for a second, gaze at her again, caress her maybe touch her bottom lip gently with your thumb, then move in, push her against the wall, and give her that real kiss shes been waiting for.

 

You can grab her tight, press against a wall, but no crazy tongue. Soft lips and think sensual with the kiss itself. After a good one pull away and look at her again. Tell her she is so effing sexy that you should probably go home now.

 

If you do it right she will probably offer you sex that night. If you really like her decline her invite and ask her to text you the next day.

 

This gets you I think closer to where you want to be. I used to call it the "only girl in the world kiss" when I was younger. Still works like a charm every time.

Posted

It sounds like you have no problem sparking an interest initially, but you have trouble sustaining a relationship. It's not enough to just go on dates with women, you have to work on developing an emotional connection with them. You do that by what you say. You progress the relationship by how you talk to them. You melt their heart. Some men are really good at developing an emotional connection with women. Some are not. Without knowing how you interact with women, it's hard to give you any advice about this. All I can say is, work on developing an emotional connection.

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