DALIFAN Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend for only one and a half month... Each time things don't run so smoothly, he does something that annoys me or kind of hurts me a bit, I end up thinking about my ex and missing him really badly. My ex just really treated me well and sometimes I feel like we broke up because our surrounding/situation wasn't in our favor (after 2 years, he spent a year abroad and that strained our relationship quite a bit and we broke up close to him coming back from his year abroad...) The fact that I turn to the memories of my ex, does it mean I am not over my last relationship? it just gives me comfort.... Advice?
soccerrprp Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 No advice. Yes, it means you are not over your ex. Unfortunate for your current bf. 2
Author DALIFAN Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 but I do not want to get bac with my ex at all! the memories just give me comfort...
soccerrprp Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 but I do not want to get bac with my ex at all! the memories just give me comfort... the truth of the matter is that you will be comparing your past relationship(s) with your current especially in the short-term. it happens. just be careful that you don't compare your ex with your current bf and begin to judge him thusly. your current bf is NOT your ex and he should be given a reasonable chance to prove that he is worthy. talk to your bf about your expectations or what is bothering you?
newmoon Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 how long have you been out of the previous relationship? it could be that not enough time has passed and you're not 100% healed yet. I was in a 3 year relationship that ended about 5 months ago and I've been dating but struggle with the comparisons as well. It could mean you're not over it yet, or it could just be that since he was the most recent bf you're using him as a frame of reference for everything. I think as long as you don't actually want the old bf back then you're ok - this is normal behavior after a break-up (at least for a while, but it should eventually stop). just do it in your mind, or with friends but not with the actual person you're seeing; that hurts them and would indicate you're not ready. I actually had a good relationship with my ex, but finding comfort in the memories isn't moving forward positively; try to remember why it broke up and focus on fixing those things for future bf's/dates.
Emilia Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I have a slightly different take on this. When I met the last guy I went out with, initially things were good and I didn't miss my ex. In fact when the ex got in touch and asked to go for a coffee I turned him down because I wanted to make sure he didn't come between me and the new guy somehow, that the new guy 'had his chance', etc. It wasn't a difficult decision to make at all. As I got to know the new guy and his issues, I remembered more about the good things my ex did for me and how he loved me differently. That he was a 'full package' man and a warm person. That gave me comfort and made me feel better about myself. The new guy weirded me out a couple of times in ways that unsettled me. This man hurt you OP and you need the comfort of thinking that you are lovable. That doesn't mean you are not over your ex, it means this new guy is making you feel bad about yourself and you remember people who treated you better in the past. 3
Mrlonelyone Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I will agree with Emillia and add the following. Constantly comparing your current BF to an EX would be a bad thing. If you were with this new guy for a couple years and still thinking of an EX that would be your fault. The reason you are still thinking of your ex a month or so into a new relationship is simple, he isn't better overall than your ex. Moving on from one relationship to find another is often a good thing. The next person is usually better than the last. We learn what we want and don't want in a relationship. You spent time with your ex because he gave you things you wanted in a relationship. He gave you some things your current BF does not give you. You want those things in a man but you also don't want your EX's bad sides. If you want your new relationship to work sit and think about all the things your ex did that drove you nuts. Then think of all the things your current BF does that your ex didn't do. If after doing that your current BF really, objectively, doesn't stack up, move on from him. You're only a month into it and if it does not feel right don't continue. 1
MissBee Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) If you're missing an ex while with someone new...it's probably not the best relationship for you. That's my test post-breakup. When I am dating a guy and I compare him to the ex a lot it's a sign that this relationship isn't satisfying me and I'm settling in some way and maybe rebounding. When I find a man who all I think about is him and if there is any comparison between the ex, it's how much better things are, then I know it has a real shot. The new person needs to be an improvement not someone you keep comparing to the old person. The fact that your bf is hurting you and doing things that annoy you to the point that you have to seek comfort in thoughts of your ex, whom you don't even want to be with anymore, is a HUGE sign that maybe you guys aren't that great together. Edited January 9, 2014 by MissBee 6
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