Annoyed with myself

[True Gent]

If we ever treat someone better than they treat us, there is an imbalance created. Next time, be aware and present for how you are treated and make sure it is comparable to her treatment of you.

My wife has an old friend who treats her selfish, lazy husband like a king and he barely acknowledges her. She is even aware that she does this and continues it because she has been conditioned by her own FOO to believe that she isn't worth any effort or appreciation. I am not suggesting this is your underlying issue here, but it would be worth knowing what propelled you to accept unequal treatment. We teach others how to treat us. Might be worth it to question your views of yourself.

Best,

Grumps

 

I did kind of see the red flags. I think some of my issues were I always thought I was so lucky to have such a beautiful woman. She really did take my breath away to me she was physically perfect. I had a fear she was too good for me in my head.

 

I also madly loved her. She did have qualities which I loved her for. We were best friends and I suppose I just lay down and accepted the stronger feelings were mainly from me.

[True Gent]

You had anxiety attacks. Now you are revealing more about some issues that may have come up that were not all about her. You were putting off taking a trip. It seems to me that she was not seeing a future from the things you had to offer. She wasn't just stifled because you were a nice guy but because of real issues in the real world.

 

So she couldn't see a future from what I had already offered her? See a brief example in my first post.

 

I had a fear of flying and anxiety for a period of time towards the end of our relationship. So does that justify it you now?

 

Fear and anxiety are hard to control. I worked through it and got over it, I know she didn't exactly find it a turn on. I was suffering a temporary mental sickness brought on by the fear of me loving her more in the relationship.

[LostConfused123]

I did kind of see the red flags. I think some of my issues were I always thought I was so lucky to have such a beautiful woman. She really did take my breath away to me she was physically perfect. I had a fear she was too good for me in my head.

 

I also madly loved her. She did have qualities which I loved her for. We were best friends and I suppose I just lay down and accepted the stronger feelings were mainly from me.

Looking back I was like that too.

 

That's why I want to learn the fine line of treating a partner well but not becoming a door matt either because honestly, there is nothing attractive about being a door matt. (not saying you were) but looking back in my case anyway, I think I may have come across like that.

 

Well live and learn. Grumps makes a great point!!! when we treat someone better than they treat us, might be time to really look honestly at the relationship.

I know I will be paying that more attention next time

[LostConfused123]

So she couldn't see a future from what I had already offered her? See a brief example in my first post.

 

I had a fear of flying and anxiety for a period of time towards the end of our relationship. So does that justify it you now?

 

Fear and anxiety are hard to control. I worked through it and got over it, I know she didn't exactly find it a turn on. I was suffering a temporary mental sickness brought on by the fear of me loving her more in the relationship.

Everyone has "something"

I wouldn't say that's a character flaw though.

[AnyaNova]

There is a lot more to this is there? Well you know more than me it seems...

 

I've been as open as I can here. What do you expect to hear from me? Are you saying I'm lying?

 

Normally I would PM this, but I cant yet since you dont have wnough posts to enable that yet, but I really think that it is not wise to continue to engage this person.

 

She has some beef, and whether she is generally pissed at them and wants to take the Mickey out of any she can cause one hurt her, or this is somehow tittering some issue of here, I think it is wise to avoid dealing with someone with such obvious issues when you yourself are hurting right now!

[True Gent]

Looking back I was like that too.

 

That's why I want to learn the fine line of treating a partner well but not becoming a door matt either because honestly, there is nothing attractive about being a door matt. (not saying you were) but looking back in my case anyway, I think I may have come across like that.

 

Well live and learn. Grumps makes a great point!!! when we treat someone better than they treat us, might be time to really look honestly at the relationship.

I know I will be paying that more attention next time

 

I think I did come over as a doormat sometimes. Maybe it isn't attractive... Well it isn't I guess. I mean I wasn't just "yes dear" to everything. But I did let her have a lot of her own way.

 

I always tried to fix things, she would complain if she had a problem which really upset her that I'd try too hard to try and fix it.

 

I will learn from this. I know she did love me too, but I think I always loved her more. I should of payed attention to that gut feeling.

 

Like I say though I was in love with a beautiful woman. I really thought sometimes "how is this girl on my arm?" Even though I'm attractive myself.

 

It could be an issue I need to address in my self confidence maybe.

[AnyaNova]

Corrections-- since I can't go back and edit

 

1)men instead of them

2) triggering and issues instead of twittering and whatever hash autocorrect made of my post.

[True Gent]

Normally I would PM this, but I cant yet since you dont have wnough posts to enable that yet, but I really think that it is not wise to continue to engage this person.

 

She has some beef, and whether she is generally pissed at them and wants to take the Mickey out of any she can cause one hurt her, or this is somehow tittering some issue of here, I think it is wise to avoid dealing with someone with such obvious issues when you yourself are hurting right now!

 

Yes I think you are right. I don't know why they have taken such offence to my thread. I don't know them, they don't know me.

 

I am being as open as I can here. Obviously there are always two sides and I can only give mine as I have experienced it from my perspective. I probably should ignore any further bait from the said poster.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Aw, True Gent, I feel you! I loved loving my ex. It felt incredible to take care of him in every way possible. There wasn't a moment where I wouldn't think of him and would want to please him and make him feel loved and adored.

 

Looking back, the things my ex did for me (trips, nice restaurants) were things that he could enjoy as well. He never really did anything just to make me feel good.

 

I remember this one time I was thanking him for taking me to this lavish spa and he replied, " You know, I went too." UM OK. A simple, "you're welcome, baby, I'm glad you liked it" would've sufficed. But no, he had to make a point that what he did wasn't just for me. He would say these kinds of things...and yet I still loved, adored and pleased him all the way up until he broke my heart.

 

Lesson learned.

 

 

 

 

That's the thing I liked caring for her. I feel like I have a lot to give the right person. I just gave my all to someone who turned out to be selfish and I couldn't see it. Or didn't want to see it.

[Grumpybutfun]

I think I did come over as a doormat sometimes. Maybe it isn't attractive... Well it isn't I guess. I mean I wasn't just "yes dear" to everything. But I did let her have a lot of her own way.

 

I always tried to fix things, she would complain if she had a problem which really upset her that I'd try too hard to try and fix it.

 

I will learn from this. I know she did love me too, but I think I always loved her more. I should of payed attention to that gut feeling.

 

Like I say though I was in love with a beautiful woman. I really thought sometimes "how is this girl on my arm?" Even though I'm attractive myself.

 

It could be an issue I need to address in my self confidence maybe.

 

The imbalance seems to be feelings of inferiority. I have always noticed that couples who are equal in looks, personality and intelligence have far more success in balancing affections for each other and are more equal. However, physical appearance is hard for people in love to truly gauge because when you love someone, looks are magnified in a positive way.

 

Also, putting too much value on one thing in a spouse can cause imbalance. Obviously looks aren't as important as being a kind person to me, so when she started feeling annoyed by your anxiety and didn't really support you in that challenge, I think that would have given me pause for her lacking empathy and compassion for your issues.

 

I think you need to be kind to yourself and not let her shortcomings define your efforts to be a good person who worked to be an affectionate spouse. When we learn the hard lessons in life like this one, we can see our imbalances more clearly, but at a cost that makes us more jaded. That is unfortunate, because many women appreciate a kind and loving spouse.

 

G

[AnyaNova]

The imbalance seems to be feelings of inferiority. I have always noticed that couples who are equal in looks, personality and intelligence have far more success in balancing affections for each other and are more equal. However, physical appearance is hard for people in love to truly gauge because when you love someone, looks are magnified in a positive way.

 

Also, putting too much value on one thing in a spouse can cause imbalance. Obviously looks aren't as important as being a kind person to me, so when she started feeling annoyed by your anxiety and didn't really support you in that challenge, I think that would have given me pause for her lacking empathy and compassion for your issues.

 

I think you need to be kind to yourself and not let her shortcomings define your efforts to be a good person who worked to be an affectionate spouse. When we learn the hard lessons in life like this one, we can see our imbalances more clearly, but at a cost that makes us more jaded. That is unfortunate, because many women appreciate a kind and loving spouse.

 

G

 

If I had one, I would certainly appreciate him!

[True Gent]

Aw, True Gent, I feel you! I loved loving my ex. It felt incredible to take care of him in every way possible. There wasn't a moment where I wouldn't think of him and would want to please him and make him feel loved and adored.

 

Looking back, the things my ex did for me (trips, nice restaurants) were things that he could enjoy as well. He never really did anything just to make me feel good.

 

I remember this one time I was thanking him for taking me to this lavish spa and he replied, " You know, I went too." UM OK. A simple, "you're welcome, baby, I'm glad you liked it" would've sufficed. But no, he had to make a point that what he did wasn't just for me. He would say these kinds of things...and yet I still loved, adored and pleased him all the way up until he broke my heart.

 

Lesson learned.

 

That is a shame seekingpeaceinlove. I'm sorry to hear he never really done anything just for you. Your day will come we all deserve what we have to give in return at some point.

 

I know what you mean about always thinking of them and always wanting to take are of them. I remember sending her a text once which said "I think about you in every hour of every day" She loved that text, I told her it's just the truth.

 

I loved her so much this whole thing just kills me.

[True Gent]

The imbalance seems to be feelings of inferiority. I have always noticed that couples who are equal in looks, personality and intelligence have far more success in balancing affections for each other and are more equal. However, physical appearance is hard for people in love to truly gauge because when you love someone, looks are magnified in a positive way.

 

Also, putting too much value on one thing in a spouse can cause imbalance. Obviously looks aren't as important as being a kind person to me, so when she started feeling annoyed by your anxiety and didn't really support you in that challenge, I think that would have given me pause for her lacking empathy and compassion for your issues.

 

I think you need to be kind to yourself and not let her shortcomings define your efforts to be a good person who worked to be an affectionate spouse. When we learn the hard lessons in life like this one, we can see our imbalances more clearly, but at a cost that makes us more jaded. That is unfortunate, because many women appreciate a kind and loving spouse.

 

G

 

You're very good!

 

I was very concerned for her lack of empathy during my anxiety. It was a major concern to me at the time. However I loved the bones of her at the same time.

 

You are right I did feel like maybe she was out of my league. That perhaps caused issues or imbalances. I don think she ever felt that I wasn't good enough or she was better. That was all in my own mind, but oddly that was earlier on in the relationship. Near the end I didn't feel this way so much, maybe because she appeared to be changing emotionally and I was realising the give/take ratio wasn't equal.

[AnyaNova]

You're very good!

 

I was very concerned for her lack of empathy during my anxiety. It was a major concern to me at the time. However I loved the bones of her at the same time.

 

You are right I did feel like maybe she was out of my league. That perhaps caused issues or imbalances. I don think she ever felt that I wasn't good enough or she was better. That was all in my own mind, but oddly that was earlier on in the relationship. Near the end I didn't feel this way so much, maybe because she appeared to be changing emotionally and I was realising the give/take ratio wasn't equal.

 

Work on that self esteem! You deserve to think well enough of yourself to not have time for someone who doesn't value you!