Annoyed with myself

[True Gent]

Hi guys, I'm currently going through a phase of being angry with myself for being such a doormat to my ex for so long.

 

For years I give her my all, I financially supported her as a student and helped her set up her business which failed. I ended up bankrupt. She never had a full time income in our 9 years together.

 

I would come home from work, do the housework, wait on her coming home from the gym before getting our dinner ready. I let her have her way with any pets we've had. I even payed for a lot of her personal living costs such as car reapairs, clothes, makeup, beauty appointments... Etc... Hell I even worked on her car for her at times. I bought her an iPhone and went without myself... Just so many things I did for her. I cannot list it all in detail here there is so much...

 

I was always loving, caring, complimentary, looked out for her needs and interests. I actually just did love her like crazy. All I wanted was to be with her.

 

Looking back what did she give me? Constant rejection, occasional mild affection and manipulation to get her own way. She was loving in some ways, but not often.

 

Now she's found someone 'better' and left me to go off with him. I'm just thinking what the hell?! Why was I so stupid for so long? I'll never be such a pushover again. She lacks respect for me and I gave her everything I had to give.

 

I've had her on a pedestal and looked thorough rose tinted glasses for way too long. I feel so stupid.

[jphcbpa]

Learn from this and do not beat yourself up for too long. Let the anger be a wake up call for the next R. Allow this pain and confusion to change you for the better.

[LostConfused123]

I felt the same way for a long time. By nature I am basically a very nice caring person that usually sees the good in everyone and unfortunately, people with big puffy hearts can get taken advantage of and get our hearts broken badly.

 

I refuse to change my personality because I like that about myself.

 

BUT, I realize I need to find the balance between being kind and being a door matt!!

fine line sometimes.

 

However, my next relationship I will make damn sure he deserves my love. I don't want to bring that kind of baggage into it. If he really deserves me, I would like to think I'll give him just as much as I've given anyone. Maybe more!!

 

I hope he is someone that deserves every bit of my heart, regardless of the toads I had to kiss to meet him. I would like to think then this will all be worth it

[True Gent]

Learn from this and do not beat yourself up for too long. Let the anger be a wake up call for the next R. Allow this pain and confusion to change you for the better.

 

I will never make the same mistakes again. I wish I could take some of my kindness and love back somehow, but I can't.

 

She is currently getting awkward over NC. She still has loose ends to tie up at my place and I've told her to wait until I move out and leave me alone. As she should of sorted her crap before going off with him. She is continually telling me to be "civil" and just expects me to let her into my life as and when she pleases.

 

All I feel is anger to words her and anger towards me for being a fool and being blind.

[True Gent]

I felt the same way for a long time. By nature I am basically a very nice caring person that usually sees the good in everyone and unfortunately, people with big puffy hearts can get taken advantage of and get our hearts broken badly.

 

I refuse to change my personality because I like that about myself.

 

BUT, I realize I need to find the balance between being kind and being a door matt!!

fine line sometimes.

 

However, my next relationship I will make damn sure he deserves my love. I don't want to bring that kind of baggage into it. If he really deserves me, I would like to think I'll give him just as much as I've given anyone. Maybe more!!

 

I hope he is someone that deserves every bit of my heart, regardless of the toads I had to kiss to meet him. I would like to think then this will all be worth it

 

That's the thing I liked caring for her. I feel like I have a lot to give the right person. I just gave my all to someone who turned out to be selfish and I couldn't see it. Or didn't want to see it.

[LostConfused123]

I will never make the same mistakes again. I wish I could take some of my kindness and love back somehow, but I can't.

 

She is currently getting awkward over NC. She still has loose ends to tie up at my place and I've told her to wait until I move out and leave me alone. As she should of sorted her crap before going off with him. She is continually telling me to be "civil" and just expects me to let her into my life as and when she pleases.

 

All I feel is anger to words her and anger towards me for being a fool and being blind.

You say you wish you could take some of your kindness and love back and I TOTALLY get that! Me too but only because I have given it to people that don't deserve it.

 

But then I think. . . maybe not because if I had cheated, been abusive, stole from him, lied to him, disrespected him. . . you get the point. . . . I mean, THEN I would have every right to feel like a piece of ****!!

 

You did NOTHING wrong!!!

She took advantage of you and that's all on her. At least you can sleep peacefully at night. People that treat others with disrespect and cruelty never get that sort of comfort.

I mean, unless they are total psychos with ice water in their veins.

 

Be glad you're not like that because seriously, how awful would that be to have to go through life like that???

 

I wish you all the best in your recovery!!

You deserve it!

[LostConfused123]

That's the thing I liked caring for her. I feel like I have a lot to give the right person. I just gave my all to someone who turned out to be selfish and I couldn't see it. Or didn't want to see it.

Me too!! Loving someone can be the greatest thing ever!!!

 

Can't wait to love again!!! Hopefully the next one isn't a douche!! LOL!

Takes all the fun out of it doesn't it?

[LadyM]

Try not to be so hard on yourself because us humans are always, for as long as we are living, students of life and we make mistakes, especially regarding relationships.

 

I hope that one day I will find someone as loving and generous as you. There are lots of women out there who won't take you for granted and will give you as much as she gets from you.

 

What you are taking for granted is your ability to love and be committed to one girl. Not everyone can do that. My ex has hopped from girl to girl his entire life because he first idealizes and then devalues the women he's with. I am the hurt result of his inability to fully love.

 

There are LOTS of girls who will appreciate you. Ease up on yourself. Be a friend to yourself. I know you will pick better next time as you've learned a powerful lesson. You are going to make the right woman very happy one day.

[LostConfused123]

Try not to be so hard on yourself because us humans are always, for as long as we are living, students of life and we make mistakes, especially regarding relationships.

 

I hope that one day I will find someone as loving and generous as you. There are lots of women out there who won't take you for granted and will give you as much as she gets from you.

 

What you are taking for granted is your ability to love and be committed to one girl. Not everyone can do that. My ex has hopped from girl to girl his entire life because he first idealizes and then devalues the women he's with. I am the hurt result of his inability to fully love.

 

There are LOTS of girls who will appreciate you. Ease up on yourself. Be a friend to yourself. I know you will pick better next time as you've learned a powerful lesson. You are going to make the right woman very happy one day.

Absolutely!! He seems awesome!!

[Eau Claire]

We no nothing of this woman's perspective of this relationship. This thread shouldn't knock her.

 

As for the poster...if you were so wonderful then why did she leave? I don't really think you are going to do any better next time if you aren't being honest about your role in this.

 

There are lots of nice men...most people are nice. Most people mean well.

[True Gent]

LostConfused123 and Lady M. Thank you so much for your lovely posts!

 

I really am very touched by what you have said. I don't want to change who I am. I'm a genuinely caring and loving person who has the capacity to fully commit to someone.

 

I was feeling like a fool, but I guess she's the fool in all of this. Caution and careful selection the next time for me I think. I really think I'm my ex was more like me with love we would of been totally unbreakable.

[True Gent]

We no nothing of this woman's perspective of this relationship. This thread shouldn't knock her.

 

As for the poster...if you were so wonderful then why did she leave? I don't really think you are going to do any better next time if you aren't being honest about your role in this.

 

There are lots of nice men...most people are nice. Most people mean well.

 

She left because I'm not the life and sole of social situations. She says I'm not outgoing enough. I never have been a social player, she always knew this. She changed dramatically over the last few years in her attitude towards many things. She is incredibly confused over every aspect of her life. Her studies are suffering, she is undecided on her career path at 29 years of age.

 

She now wants to party regularly and she was never like that. She accused me of not organising enough of our life, such as holidays etc... Yet she couldn't organise her own lunch. I have already stated what I did do for her, if I could of given her any more I would of. I gave her my all and put myself second many times for her.

 

She was treat with love and respect what more can I say? She even said she couldn't fault me. She loves me but isn't in love with me.

Edited January 8, 2014 by True Gent

[LostConfused123]

I wasn't trying to knock her at all. Yes, there are always two sides to every story. Absolutely!!

 

I guess I can relate especially to the OP because I too, gave my all, treated him with nothing but love and respect (he would agree) just saying. . . and he left anyway.

 

There are many wonderful people that get dumped. Happens all the time. Just sucks for the dumpee because it makes us reluctant to give our hearts out again. It's a normal defense mechanism.

[AnyaNova]

That's the thing I liked caring for her. I feel like I have a lot to give the right person. I just gave my all to someone who turned out to be selfish and I couldn't see it. Or didn't want to see it.

 

After my relational end in Ssptember, I told myself that I wasn't going to trust again, or at least that I didn't think I could.

 

I think, though that instead of being cynical or bitter, it is important that we learn simply to be more careful that the people we are trusting in are worthy of our investment.

 

Don't be afraid to give your all when the time is right and you are sure that she is worthy of it.

 

But I am making the choice to trust the right man when the time comes, but not to trust too soon, either.

[Eau Claire]

She left because I'm not the life and sole of social situations. She says I'm not outgoing enough. I never have been a social player, she always knew this. She changed dramatically over the last few years in her attitude towards many things. She is incredibly confused over every aspect of her life. Her studies are suffering, she is undecided on her career path at 29 years of age.

 

She now wants to party regularly and she was never like that. She accused me of not organising enough of our life, such as holidays etc... Yet she couldn't organise her own lunch. I have already stated what I did do for her, if I could of given her any more I would of. I gave her my all and put myself second many times for her.

 

She was treat with love and respect what more can I say? She even said she couldn't fault me. She loves me but isn't in love with me.

 

Ya, sure. She's this and she's that.

 

Again, what about YOU. You keep listing how patient and wonderful you are. Methinks that you listing more things wrong with her is just deflecting the question.

 

'Im wonderful..she is 'this and that' so she left me for another man'. Contrary to the views of some, women do not just leave a wonderful man.

[True Gent]

Ya, sure. She's this and she's that.

 

Again, what about YOU. You keep listing how patient and wonderful you are. Methinks that you listing more things wrong with her is just deflecting the question.

 

'Im wonderful..she is 'this and that' so she left me for another man'. Contrary to the views of some, women do not just leave a wonderful man.

 

I honestly don't know what you expect me to say here? Her biggest faults with me I just mentioned. I'm not outgoing enough, I didn't put enough into organising our holidays as she felt she mostly done that.

 

She said in her own words she cannot fault me. She loves me but isn't in love with me. I cannot think of anything else to add to this.

[AnyaNova]

Ya, sure. She's this and she's that.

 

Again, what about YOU. You keep listing how patient and wonderful you are. Methinks that you listing more things wrong with her is just deflecting the question.

 

'Im wonderful..she is 'this and that' so she left me for another man'. Contrary to the views of some, women do not just leave a wonderful man.

 

Just as in economics, people do not make decisions purely rationally. In point of fact; people leave other wonderful people all the time.

 

Furthermore, it seems bizarre for you to come on here and start attacking the OP. obviously the posters here are giving their side and obviously there is another one.

 

There is a time for people after a breakup to self reflect on what they could have done differently or possiilities for self improvement. This would NOT be that time. Not yet.

 

Give the guy time to vent before trying to get him to admit all his faults. What are you, his ex or one of her friends? Why can't you let a dude vent for a bit?

Edited January 8, 2014 by AnyaNova

[LostConfused123]

Ya, sure. She's this and she's that.

 

Again, what about YOU. You keep listing how patient and wonderful you are. Methinks that you listing more things wrong with her is just deflecting the question.

 

'Im wonderful..she is 'this and that' so she left me for another man'. Contrary to the views of some, women do not just leave a wonderful man.

WTF??? I have seen people bash their ex way worse than this. . . he's not even bashing her.

This is supposed to be a safe place to come vent.

 

He's just sharing his story. Lighten up!!

[True Gent]

I honestly don't know what you expect me to say here? Her biggest faults with me I just mentioned. I'm not outgoing enough, I didn't put enough into organising our holidays as she felt she mostly done that.

 

She said in her own words she cannot fault me. She loves me but isn't in love with me. I cannot think of anything else to add to this.

 

The only other things which come to mind are I took 12 months to organise my passport as I had a fear of flying and kept putting it off. She was really annoyed with me for this.

 

I suffered anxiety attacks for 6 months in 2012 which were a real turn off for her. I cannot list any wrongs I've committed towards her because I just didn't.

 

Why the attack on me? One thing about me is I always try and be as open as I can. If I'd cheated, abused her, didn't respect her or anything like this I'd say.

 

She felt a spark for another man. Honestly what do you want me to say?

[Eau Claire]

Just as in economics, people do not make decisions purely rationally. In point of fact; people leave other wonderful people all the time.

 

Furthermore, it seems bizarre for you to come on here and start attacking the OP. obviously the posters here are giving their side and obviously there is another one.

 

There is a time for people after a breakup to self reflect on what they could have done differently or possiilities for self improvement. This would NOT be that time. Not yet.

 

Give the guy time to vent before trying to get him to admit all his faults. What are you, his ex or one of her friends? Why can't you let a dude vent for a bit?

 

huh? You may be caught up in this fellow's one sided story...I'm not. I especially find it troublesome when women sit back and pull in the radar and start to pile on the partner who isn't here to defend himself/herself.

 

Again..if this fellow is so wonderful, attentive, kind, nice...why did this woman leave him? Would you have left? There is a lot more to this. If he wants his hand held and told what a victim he is of this witch, then feel free to hold his hand.

[Grumpybutfun]

If we ever treat someone better than they treat us, there is an imbalance created. Next time, be aware and present for how you are treated and make sure it is comparable to her treatment of you.

My wife has an old friend who treats her selfish, lazy husband like a king and he barely acknowledges her. She is even aware that she does this and continues it because she has been conditioned by her own FOO to believe that she isn't worth any effort or appreciation. I am not suggesting this is your underlying issue here, but it would be worth knowing what propelled you to accept unequal treatment. We teach others how to treat us. Might be worth it to question your views of yourself.

Best,

Grumps

[LostConfused123]

huh? You may be caught up in this fellow's one sided story...I'm not. I especially find it troublesome when women sit back and pull in the radar and start to pile on the partner who isn't here to defend himself/herself.

 

Again..if this fellow is so wonderful, attentive, kind, nice...why did this woman leave him? Would you have left? There is a lot more to this. If he wants his hand held and told what a victim he is of this witch, then feel free to hold his hand.

This is becoming really bizarre!

 

Why are you taking this so personally?? It's his thread. Even the title explains he's mad at HIMSELF!

 

This isn't even about you. . . . or is it????

[Eau Claire]

The only other things which come to mind are I took 12 months to organise my passport as I had a fear of flying and kept putting it off. She was really annoyed with me for this.

 

I suffered anxiety attacks for 6 months in 2012 which were a real turn off for her. I cannot list any wrongs I've committed towards her because I just didn't.

 

Why the attack on me? One thing about me is I always try and be as open as I can. If I'd cheated, abused her, didn't respect her or anything like this I'd say.

 

She felt a spark for another man. Honestly what do you want me to say?

 

You had anxiety attacks. Now you are revealing more about some issues that may have come up that were not all about her. You were putting off taking a trip. It seems to me that she was not seeing a future from the things you had to offer. She wasn't just stifled because you were a nice guy but because of real issues in the real world.

[True Gent]

huh? You may be caught up in this fellow's one sided story...I'm not. I especially find it troublesome when women sit back and pull in the radar and start to pile on the partner who isn't here to defend himself/herself.

 

Again..if this fellow is so wonderful, attentive, kind, nice...why did this woman leave him? Would you have left? There is a lot more to this. If he wants his hand held and told what a victim he is of this witch, then feel free to hold his hand.

 

There is a lot more to this is there? Well you know more than me it seems...

 

I've been as open as I can here. What do you expect to hear from me? Are you saying I'm lying?

[True Gent]

This is becoming really bizarre!

 

Why are you taking this so personally?? It's his thread. Even the title explains he's mad at HIMSELF!

 

This isn't even about you. . . . or is it????

 

I do not understand the personal attack here either.

 

I've stated I'm mad at myself for being too nice to someone who looking back took a lot of it for granted. That is my side of it yes. I cannot speak entirely for her as I am not her.