BornToDie Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I really need some advice here and for someone to tell me if this is all in my head or if something is legitimately wrong. This girl has been my best friend for almost two years. We know each other best and have never really fought. She has a lot of serious illness, some of those including lupus and diabetes, and so she's constantly sick.. It's just a matter of how sick she is at any given time. I honestly cannot think of one single thing I've done to possibly upset her or make her want to distance herself from me. She's always been really down to earth about me having other friends and doing other things. The issues started around Christmas when I went to a bar with a friend from college, and she made some snarky remark to me about it. I jokingly said, "Well, if I could get you to come out.." and I guess she took offense because she posted something online like, "So tired of being sick but even more tired of people not understanding that I'm sick." That hurt my feelings some, so I apologized to her and told her I had no idea that she was sick but that I would definitely make more of an effort to understand. At some point, she got short and just really didn't respond to me. I left her alone for a few days, but I saw on social media where she kept posting and talking to bunches of people, so I just sent her a message asking if everything was okay with us because I hadn't heard from her. She got really snappy with me and said, "No, literally there is nothing wrong, it's just that I'm way too sick to carry on a conversation and keep falling asleep because I have pneumonia. I hardly talk to anyone when I'm sick." This made NO sense to me because I kept seeing her posting pictures of herself looking perfectly fine, and on social media, she could talk all day. Still, I left it alone, dropped it, and tried continuing conversation like all was normal. She stopped responding again. I look online and see the same things going on. At this point, I'm very upset to the point of tears. I sent her one last message, saying that if something is wrong, I wish she would tell me because it's really starting to bother me, and she says, "No nothing is wrong, I'm just really sick, I had to go to the emergency room the other day because of my lungs. But I have been distant the last couple of times you've tried to talk to me because you just don't understand that I'm sick. I post on social media because that's easier to do than to try to text back. I thought we were mature enough at this point to not have to talk every day to be friends. I really wish you just wouldn't take it so personally when I post online but don't respond to a text." I said, "Okay, fine. When you don't feel like being distant, let me know when you want to do our Christmas together." That makes no sense to me. In my head, it's easier to text your best friend back than it is to put on a full face of makeup, do your hair, get dressed up, and post pictures online. Shockingly, she didn't respond to my text, but whenever I post on Facebook, she always has to comment like everything is fine. I really don't get it. I tried texting her last night in a casual fashion, taking on the same attitude like all was well, and she responded once, but it still felt a little weird. I responded and asked how she was, and she still hasn't answered, yet she's posting all over social media today. It hurts me, and I'm sitting here heartbroken because unlike everyone else, if she really is sick, I'd be willing to drop all to come take care of her, and she keeps snubbing me like this. This issue is like circular reasoning… She says she can't talk to me because she's so sick, but how am I supposed to know she's that sick if she won't talk to me? I know I don't need to keep bringing it up, and I need to back off and maybe she'll come around (she's done that before), but it just hurts so much to think that maybe she really just doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Should I say or do anything? It's so hard not to. Please help.
preraph Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 When she posts on Facebook, it's a one time and then everyone interested in her status can see it. You're acting as if texting is equivalent or easier than posting to Facebook. I personally won't text unless there's no other way because it's the most time-consuming way to communicate. With Facebook, when she's feeling up to it, she can read or post. Stop haranguing her about not answering your texts. She has two very serious diseases and at least one of them is very painful. Everyone is different, but I don't like to have anyone around or any communication when I feel bad. You truly do not understand what it means for her to be sick. So stop saying you do. It means she can't keep up a normal routine or anything close to it and has to shut things down to just manage herself. Let her make her Facebook comments and Facebook her back once in awhile to show you're thinking of her, but don't make any more demands on her because she can't handle it. 1
Heatemyheart89 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Hello I am sick myself and I have never snapped at a friend ( severe psoriasis arthritis). How long has your friend been sick? Sounds like you are a very understanding friend. I don't think you have done anything wrong. I would explain to her how you feel. Say you try your best but you aren't always to know when she is super sick and it is confusing when she talks to other people online etc. Maybe she is going through a bad patch at the moment. She sounds slightly jealous/ attention seeking. Honestly you have done nothing wrong. Just wait it out for a bit. I think she will come back to you and you need to sort this out. Best of luck. Hugs
preraph Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 One more note about lupus. Because lupus is a disease that causes random unexplained pain, people with lupus are often accused of being lazy or a hypochondriac by people within their circle who haven't read about the disease or don't understand it after they do. That can make those with lupus particularly sensitive to any criticism or someone chastising them for not doing something. 1
Author BornToDie Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 Thanks. She's really been struggling with being sick ever since she was a child, and I do know that her lupus gets really bad with the cold. I remember a time last December where she completely ignored any form of contact I tried sending her way, and I was totally convinced our friendship was over until she finally came around after Christmas. No, I don't entirely understand because I've never been through it, but I feel like me dropping it and offering to do anything I can for her is a pretty close second. It was really hurtful for her to say "I thought we were mature enough to not have to talk every day to be friends" because she's told me in the past to come to her if I felt so strongly about something. I do think she is a little jealous, and I do know that she posts pictures a lot online because her self esteem is little to none, but still, my feelings were very hurt, especially seeing her telling someone to "text her" when she saw drama going on. Kind of hard not to take personally, but I've ultimately decided to not even remark on how I feel until I see her (if ever) in person.
Heatemyheart89 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Try not to be too upset I know it is hard. But people with illness (like me) can sometimes go off for weeks at a time. As your best friend it can be hard missing out on things so she may want to pretend or show she has other people to chat to on fb etc. I still think you will be friends.
preraph Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 About her suggesting someone else text - well clearly she feels she only has so much energy and she's putting it where she thinks it's best needed. Don't worry about how she's presenting herself on Facebook. She's trying to "be normal" when she can muster it. She's just not doing very well right now and can't keep up high maintenance contact. Don't be insulted. Just go along with her. Daily contact is a bit much for a lot of people, and she's just not up to it.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Try to understand that she is really not well and also her mind is negative. Why not make some homemade soup and deliver it to her? Does she live at home? Drop it off. Send her flowers and tell her you hope she's feeling better. Your friendship isn't over, it's just on standstill because she can't give to anybody right now.
Author BornToDie Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Thanks for all the support. Today I did some thinking and figured it'd be best if I apologized and came at a much better angle, so I messaged her and said, "Also, I just wanted to apologize for the way I've come at you over Christmas break. I tried putting myself in your shoes and realized that I'd be extremely annoyed if I felt that awful and you kept coming at me that way. I know how awful you feel when it's cold, and you take it like a champ. Honestly, I'll never understand what it's like to feel so crappy, but I promise I won't take things like that so personally anymore. I love you and hope we can be okay." She responded and said, "It's okay. I don't expect you to understand. It's just that I really didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong." She went on to tell me that she's kept this a secret from everyone but her mom and boyfriend, but that she had an emergency spinal tap last week, and the doctors found a growth above her tailbone that they don't know whether or not is cancer. She's having a biopsy tomorrow to find out. She then told me she'd talk to me tomorrow and that she loved me. I figured something serious was going on but never knew until now.
preraph Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 ^ Glad you sorted it out. The poor thing is just emotionally overwhelmed and unable to do much except suffer and worry. 1
HokeyReligions Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I've dealt with a painful disease my whole life. It doesn't show and many think I'm "faking" when I bow out of social activities. I moved across the country when I was 23 and deliberately never saw any of my friends again. We talked on the phone and wrote a few times but that faded and I finally didnt respond. I'm married now but I refuse to try any more to make friends. Its too hard. One woman who was friends with hubby bought tickets to a play. She, her husband and daughter called and said to be ready they were taking us out. I was having a bad day. Even hubby didnt really understand and was upset with me a little because he was embarrassed. This couple spent over a hundred non-refundable dollars on theater tickets and took hubby to nice restaurant (one of my favorite places) and really treated him to a great evening. They kept saying they understood because they could see how uncomfortable hubby was, but they/we were never close after that and they finally stopped d all contact too. Ive gotten to the point where I would rather tell people I'm fine and have them think I'm the worst kind of selfish person than try to keep explaining my disease She may get to a hat point too. Posting here is much easier.. Edited January 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs
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