Author frogss29 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Part of the BS's role in a successful reconciliation is to boldly tell your spouse EXACTLY what you need.....no matter how insecure, crazy, needy you sound. PERIOD! If there was contact, either intentional or accidental on EITHER of their parts and he did not inform me immediately...I was GONE and I meant it. if I discovered there was secret forms of communication....cell phone..email account...etc....I would DIVORCE him and I meant it. And I told him I would use every means available to me to ascertain this and bear whatever cost to ensure he was trustworthy...and I MEANT it. I told him if I was not enough, we would divorce amicably and fairly and he was free to pursue whomever he wanted...and I intended to do the same....and I would do it! Please, please, please draw your lines in the sand....and stick your flag there and MEAN it! raise your standards, your degree of difficulty, empower yourself....and mean it! And communicate your feelings to him....clearly, directly and honestly at all times. I was lucky/unlucky to discover the affair while he was overseas. I tried to be strong and that lasted about a day. But during that day i became a computer expert. I also got $$$ together in a separate account. Then, by accident through my daughter, he found out I knew. But didn't realise HOW much I knew. He immediately sent an email to the OW telling her I knew and that he would lie to me and not reveal everything. BUT telling her it was over. It was not a loving email. He appeared to be in shock and made it clear to her he was going home to work on his marriage and beg for a chance. He didn't know I could see this email.....thank God for Icloud and spare phones with no Sim cards that had been synced to his computer (by him) before he left for overseas SO.............. when he finally returned home, the first thing I said was if we had ANY chance of working through this/staying friends if we divorced etc, then he needed to tell the truth. No lies. Not one. And he proceeded to tell the truth. The whole truth. Leaving nothing out. And he has proceeded to tell the whole truth for the past two months. It hasn't been easy. But there is hope. I am trying hard not to 'lose it' and trying hard to talk rather than shout. But I have smashed a few glasses/plates etc. And he has joked that maybe some plastic dishes/glasses might be a good idea for the next little while He has spoken about his inability to communicate (been an issue all his life) and he is definitely trying hard to be open and honest. We have spoken about the issues within our marriage. and we are both dealing with them. While he is bringing back romance into our lives by messaging me, asking me on dates, being loving etc, i am doing the same by seriously prioritising him. I am vocal with what I need. I am VERY vocal with what I don't need. I have made it clear that if there is any chance he feels the need to be with anyone else but me, then to PLEASE have the respect to tell me first so we can finish things nicely. I have made it clear that I will not tolerate any contact of any kind EVER. I have made it very clear that there will never be another chance. EVER It has taken all my strength of character to stay here and work it out. I will not do it again. He is a very lucky man and the good thing is I think he now remembers that! 4
whatatangledweb Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 We are both getting counselling. We appear to both be committed to our marriage and working out our problems. I still freak out and over think things. I still have the core of fear go through me for no apparent reason. But I am making sincere effort in showing I love him. We will just have to take it day by day, I suppose. Just never want to feel that feeling again and wish there was a magic way of being 100% sure of him - just like every betrayed spouse wants! I suffered from this for a long time. When I asked him things and then verified that it was true, I slowly built up trust. It takes time to rebuilt the trust. You build it up slowly. It is hard because we don't want to be blindsided again. We don't want to feel the pain again. It takes him being truthful and being loving over time to leave the fear behind. 1
whatatangledweb Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 And it makes me wonder if , perhaps, in a few months she might contact him again. I doubt that he would contact her. But if she contacts him, it would be mighty tempting to see her. He has promised if ever she contacts him/emails him etc he will NOT reply. NOT answer the phone. And will tell me immediately. He knows how devastated I am by all this. He also knows I am doing my best to repair our marriage from my end. Bottom line is he knows I will not be here to go through this again. She needs to be blocked even if he has to change his email and phone number. Everyway they communicated must be shut down. After 15 years(god, I'm so sorry that is a big betrayal to deal with ), she may try to contact him. I insisted on this with my husband.
dichotomy Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) I keep reading the WS has to 'prove' himself to the BS. How????? I look at my husband * answering all my questions, * happy/willing to show me his phone, computer, ipad * being loving and open * looking haggard due to the stress of the past two months * reaching out to our adult kids with messages etc * contacting me throughout the day to check in and tell me he loves me Is this proof he is being faithful? If he was still seeing his AP, wouldn't he be doing all this to cover himself??? Right now, I know he is damned if he does/damned if he doesn't. Just don't know how you start to believe in anything. Sounds like you still don't trust him. Sounds about right - your feelings are normal and justified. It apprears he is donig the right things. One of the additional things I believe is that when he told you everything (ahem - answered your questions) or was open with his phone.emails etc.... did he share or tell you or let you read ....some stuff that was very painful? When the rare WS is willing to really be open or truthful there is going to be some difficult stuff put out on the table. I sometimes feel that the rare but most painful confessions (or often slip up of her saying something) were the most truthful things she said. In other words sometimes pain = truth. Again there are WS here who have appeared to be open, but merely gone deeper. I would not blame you one bit, if you also decided to snoop some on your own (whithout him knowing)- in addition to him being open. Trust but verify kind of thing. Sometimes a little independent spying to verify that there is nothing going on - can help you cope and accept that indeed at least now - they are being NC and open. Edited January 9, 2014 by dichotomy
tired girl Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 LTA's are difficult. Be easy with yourself. Don't expect yourself to be over this in a matter of months. It won't happen. They call this a rollercoaster and as this goes along you will find out why. There are stages of this thing, and that is ok. Don't ever let him push you along faster than you need to go, and if at two years out he feels that you should be over it by now, you may want to question how remorseful he really is. My husband and are 4 yrs out from what I did, and two from what he did last. My remorse has not wavered, either has his. 1
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