Stupid question.....

[frogss29]

I keep reading the WS has to 'prove' himself to the BS. How?????

I look at my husband

* answering all my questions,

* happy/willing to show me his phone, computer, ipad

* being loving and open

* looking haggard due to the stress of the past two months

* reaching out to our adult kids with messages etc

* contacting me throughout the day to check in and tell me he loves me

 

Is this proof he is being faithful?

 

If he was still seeing his AP, wouldn't he be doing all this to cover himself???

 

Right now, I know he is damned if he does/damned if he doesn't.

Just don't know how you start to believe in anything.

[experiencethedevine]

I keep reading the WS has to 'prove' himself to the BS. How?????

I look at my husband

* answering all my questions,

* happy/willing to show me his phone, computer, ipad

* being loving and open

* looking haggard due to the stress of the past two months

* reaching out to our adult kids with messages etc

* contacting me throughout the day to check in and tell me he loves me

 

Is this proof he is being faithful?

 

If he was still seeing his AP, wouldn't he be doing all this to cover himself???

 

Right now, I know he is damned if he does/damned if he doesn't.

Just don't know how you start to believe in anything.

 

 

 

 

It certainly appears to all intents that he is doing everything but shove his head up his ass at the moment frogs! He certainly doesn't appear to have either the inclination nor the time to consider contact with the AP does he?

 

 

 

 

More importantly, how do you feel? what is your instinct telling you?

 

 

 

 

I suspect you are tentatively delighted at what is happening, but concerned enough to 'dare' hope that you believe what is occurring will last?

 

 

These little steps will grow and each one provides you with a little more faith, believe me. Time really will turn things around for you.

 

 

Those moments and triggers that make you look at your husband as if he has turned into a gargoyle will gradually become less and less, so that when he smiles at you one day you will not be thinking about that smile being shared with anyone but you.

 

 

You both seem to be 'doing it'!

[frogss29]

Instinct tells me he loves me and is doing everything he can to try and repair the damage.

But I believed in him for so long and was SO wrong.

NEVER want to be a fool again.

 

I just think, if it was so easy to cheat, how is it possible to just stop??????

[RightThere]

I just think, if it was so easy to cheat, how is it possible to just stop??????

 

They have to want to stop. And sorry to say but there will be no guarantees nothing bad won't happen again. It will involve a bit of a leap of faith on your part, but you are not required to make that leap until you are comfortable doing so.

 

In the meantime, the WS needs to do all the hard work and you are allowed to sit back and judge them by what they do.

[tired girl]

What is he doing about looking into why he did it in the first place? Is he going to counseling?

[experiencethedevine]

Instinct tells me he loves me and is doing everything he can to try and repair the damage.

But I believed in him for so long and was SO wrong.

NEVER want to be a fool again.

 

I just think, if it was so easy to cheat, how is it possible to just stop??????

 

 

 

Because frogs, when they are in the midst of all the farting skittles and mirroring ego stuff, they have completely shut out the reality of what they are doing.

 

 

Listen, in an affair, the brains chemistry changes, and it has to in order to suppress feelings of guilt, disloyalty and so on. When the proverbial hits the fan, the brain no longer has the chemical re-routing going on and so reality is allowed to return.

 

 

Simples! Well not really of course, but essentially the brain rewires itself 'back' to normal functioning. He isn't thinking in the same way, so stopping isn't a gargantuan effort because the 'love' (which is of course chemical and infatuation) is no longer present!

 

 

Am I shining any light? Or am I hopelessly flailing?

 

 

Honestly frogs, it all sounds like it's going in the right direction, and time will tell, so hang on because YOU are now in the driving seat and the next Lewis Hamilton!

[frogss29]

We are both getting counselling.

We appear to both be committed to our marriage and working out our problems.

I still freak out and over think things.

I still have the core of fear go through me for no apparent reason.

But I am making sincere effort in showing I love him.

We will just have to take it day by day, I suppose.

Just never want to feel that feeling again and wish there was a magic way of being 100% sure of him - just like every betrayed spouse wants!

[RightThere]

We are both getting counselling.

We appear to both be committed to our marriage and working out our problems.

I still freak out and over think things.

I still have the core of fear go through me for no apparent reason.

But I am making sincere effort in showing I love him.

We will just have to take it day by day, I suppose.

Just never want to feel that feeling again and wish there was a magic way of being 100% sure of him - just like every betrayed spouse wants!

 

All of what you are feeling is normal. Don't beat yourself up for thinking and wanting these things.

 

And I'm secretly working on a pill to give a WS to keep them 100% committed to their spouse after infidelity. Once my trials are completed, I'll make sure to let you know. I'm just struggling right now to get my hands on enough unicorn tears to finish off this final batch.

 

[experiencethedevine]

We are both getting counselling.

We appear to both be committed to our marriage and working out our problems.

I still freak out and over think things.

I still have the core of fear go through me for no apparent reason.

But I am making sincere effort in showing I love him.

We will just have to take it day by day, I suppose.

Just never want to feel that feeling again and wish there was a magic way of being 100% sure of him - just like every betrayed spouse wants!

 

 

 

 

With such relatively fresh and open wounds my dear it is completely understandable.

 

 

The most important lessons we take from it all are these:

 

 

We choose our own destiny and we take responsibility for our choices.

 

 

Nobody has the right to take away our dignity, nobody can disrespect us unless we allow them to, and nobody can invade our relationships if we build strong walls and windows with one way glass................

 

 

One day at a time right now is absolutely the right way frogs.

[experiencethedevine]

All of what you are feeling is normal. Don't beat yourself up for thinking and wanting these things.

 

And I'm secretly working on a pill to give a WS to keep them 100% committed to their spouse after infidelity. Once my trials are completed, I'll make sure to let you know. I'm just struggling right now to get my hands on enough unicorn tears to finish off this final batch.

 

 

 

RightThere you will be worth an absolute fortune! I would humbly beg the position of manager when your investment comes to fruition!

[BetrayedH]

It takes consistent actions over time to rebuild trust, frogss. From what I've seen, most reconciling BSs that have a truly remorseful WS seem to turn a corner with this around the 2-3 year mark.

[frogss29]

It takes consistent actions over time to rebuild trust, frogss. From what I've seen, most reconciling BSs that have a truly remorseful WS seem to turn a corner with this around the 2-3 year mark.

 

That is such a long time to live with this!

It has only been 2 months since D day for me. And I seem to have good days - not 24 hours. But I would say only an hour or so now where I relive all the awful memories. During that time I get angry. Really angry. It took me over a month to feel anger. That first month was uncontrollable sorrow

[jm2013]

My wife did a lot of this but I would still catch her in lies. For all I know she had a prepaid phone. I left the house a little bit ago and it kinda feels liberating to just get away and not play PI or wonder. I just let things go. Now I don't care if the other guy goes to my house and plows my STBXW. They were probably still banging anyways. I'm now more worried about the next guy who's going to be trying to play daddy with my kid. Good luck and hope you're able to work through it if you can.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Instinct tells me he loves me and is doing everything he can to try and repair the damage.

But I believed in him for so long and was SO wrong.

NEVER want to be a fool again.

 

I just think, if it was so easy to cheat, how is it possible to just stop??????

 

I could have written this! Same thoughts I've had!!!

[whichwayisup]

That is such a long time to live with this!

It has only been 2 months since D day for me. And I seem to have good days - not 24 hours. But I would say only an hour or so now where I relive all the awful memories. During that time I get angry. Really angry. It took me over a month to feel anger. That first month was uncontrollable sorrow

 

2 months is nothing. Just build upon the positive and good days and when a bad day hits, make sure your husband is supportive, kind and loving with you, and if you need lots of reassurance - He has to give that to you so you can have a peace of mind. Each of you have to put in 100% and he has to really be patient. But with that said, give him credit too, he needs to hear that you're opening up to him and trusting him again bit by bit.

 

It'll take a long time for things to get calm and peaceful, but well worth it if this is truly what you both want. Just know that if he cheats on you again with her or someone else, you can divorce immediately. No major decision has to made today (let's say as time goes on you can't do this and can't forgive him) so just take things as they come. I do hope all works out and you two find that love and happiness again together.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Again...me, me and sooo me. I have the same fear. I over think. I'm paranoid. And I also wis for a magic way of being 100 percent sure.

 

We are both getting counselling.

We appear to both be committed to our marriage and working out our problems.

I still freak out and over think things.

I still have the core of fear go through me for no apparent reason.

But I am making sincere effort in showing I love him.

We will just have to take it day by day, I suppose.

Just never want to feel that feeling again and wish there was a magic way of being 100% sure of him - just like every betrayed spouse wants!

[experiencethedevine]

2 months is nothing. Just build upon the positive and good days and when a bad day hits, make sure your husband is supportive, kind and loving with you, and if you need lots of reassurance - He has to give that to you so you can have a peace of mind. Each of you have to put in 100% and he has to really be patient. But with that said, give him credit too, he needs to hear that you're opening up to him and trusting him again bit by bit.

 

It'll take a long time for things to get calm and peaceful, but well worth it if this is truly what you both want. Just know that if he cheats on you again with her or someone else, you can divorce immediately. No major decision has to made today (let's say as time goes on you can't do this and can't forgive him) so just take things as they come. I do hope all works out and you two find that love and happiness again together.

 

 

 

 

Quite! As previously stated Frogs, you are firmly in the driving seat!

[BetrayedH]

That is such a long time to live with this!

It has only been 2 months since D day for me. And I seem to have good days - not 24 hours. But I would say only an hour or so now where I relive all the awful memories. During that time I get angry. Really angry. It took me over a month to feel anger. That first month was uncontrollable sorrow

 

It is a crazy amount of time. I didn't make it; lost it at about 6 months. But my wife was not truly remorseful. I really think that is the key. If they're not, don't even bother. But if their words and actions match up, I see nothing wrong eith a second chance. The longer their actions are consistent, the easier it gets for you to trust again. And if you can't make it long enough to figure out what kind of spouse you've got, I see nothing wrong with throwing in the towel.

 

Hold his feet to the fire on what you need. But WWIU is also right that he'll need some recognition when he's doing things right. For the truly remorseful ones, I think what they mostly need is hope. For now, I think the fact that you're still here today should count for a lot.

 

If I may ask, is there anything your H is saying or doing today that makes you question his remorse? You shouldn't hesitate to ask and he may also not know and may need to be told.

[jnel921]

First of all there are no stupid questions here. I am 14 months past DDay. My H has been remorseful and has done all of the right things.

 

Unfortunately that is not a guarantee of faithfulness. As forgiving BS we are taking a leap of faith and hoping on hope that they don't hurt us again.

 

If he is truly remorseful and is working on your M then you should be ok.

 

It takes time.... I am not there yet.

[frogss29]

It is a crazy amount of time. I didn't make it; lost it at about 6 months. But my wife was not truly remorseful. I really think that is the key. If they're not, don't even bother. But if their words and actions match up, I see nothing wrong eith a second chance. The longer their actions are consistent, the easier it gets for you to trust again. And if you can't make it long enough to figure out what kind of spouse you've got, I see nothing wrong with throwing in the towel.

 

Hold his feet to the fire on what you need. But WWIU is also right that he'll need some recognition when he's doing things right. For the truly remorseful ones, I think what they mostly need is hope. For now, I think the fact that you're still here today should count for a lot.

 

If I may ask, is there anything your H is saying or doing today that makes you question his remorse? You shouldn't hesitate to ask and he may also not know and may need to be told.

 

No, there is nothing he is saying or doing that makes me question him.

The issue I have is the affair was going on for a LONG time!!!!! For 15 years!!!!! We have been married for 36 years.

I knew we had issues that SHOULD have been addressed years ago. I just didn't realise anything was seriously wrong with our marriage - I truly thought it was just normal stuff that happens after two people have been together for a long time.

Also, I realise there is no 'normal' affair rules. But my husband and the OW saw each other occassionally - sometimes every three months, sometimes longer. They emailed each other and sent text messages every week or so.

So, besides being completely blindsided by all this, I also realise the two of them weren't madly in love/thinking of leaving their spouses. BUT they kept seeing each other.There was a connection and attraction.

And it makes me wonder if , perhaps, in a few months she might contact him again. I doubt that he would contact her. But if she contacts him, it would be mighty tempting to see her. He has promised if ever she contacts him/emails him etc he will NOT reply. NOT answer the phone. And will tell me immediately. He knows how devastated I am by all this.

He also knows I am doing my best to repair our marriage from my end.

Bottom line is he knows I will not be here to go through this again.

[BetrayedH]

No, there is nothing he is saying or doing that makes me question him.

The issue I have is the affair was going on for a LONG time!!!!! For 15 years!!!!! We have been married for 36 years.

I knew we had issues that SHOULD have been addressed years ago. I just didn't realise anything was seriously wrong with our marriage - I truly thought it was just normal stuff that happens after two people have been together for a long time.

Also, I realise there is no 'normal' affair rules. But my husband and the OW saw each other occassionally - sometimes every three months, sometimes longer. They emailed each other and sent text messages every week or so.

So, besides being completely blindsided by all this, I also realise the two of them weren't madly in love/thinking of leaving their spouses. BUT they kept seeing each other.There was a connection and attraction.

And it makes me wonder if , perhaps, in a few months she might contact him again. I doubt that he would contact her. But if she contacts him, it would be mighty tempting to see her. He has promised if ever she contacts him/emails him etc he will NOT reply. NOT answer the phone. And will tell me immediately. He knows how devastated I am by all this.

He also knows I am doing my best to repair our marriage from my end.

Bottom line is he knows I will not be here to go through this again.

 

I get it. Well, I think I do anyway. My wife's affair was 13 months but he was her boss so there was daily interaction (even after Dday) and they had 50+ daytime hotel stays (both left the office for a "meeting"). Different situation than yours but I suspect it blows the mind in similar fashion.

 

As for the OW contacting your H, I'm afraid that's a realistic possibility. It takes quite a while for the withdrawl to wear off and broken NC is pretty common. But perhaps the nature of their affair (long distance with long periods between contacts) will mean it will play out differently. My hope will be that if/when there's contact, your H will do the right things.

 

It sounds like the right things are happening. If you have the patience to see if it continues, awesome. If you don't, I don't think you should feel bad about divorcing him. 15 years is astonishing and he shouldn't be surprised if it's a dealbreaker.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

No, there is nothing he is saying or doing that makes me question him.

The issue I have is the affair was going on for a LONG time!!!!! For 15 years!!!!! We have been married for 36 years.

I knew we had issues that SHOULD have been addressed years ago. I just didn't realise anything was seriously wrong with our marriage - I truly thought it was just normal stuff that happens after two people have been together for a long time.

Also, I realise there is no 'normal' affair rules. But my husband and the OW saw each other occassionally - sometimes every three months, sometimes longer. They emailed each other and sent text messages every week or so.

So, besides being completely blindsided by all this, I also realise the two of them weren't madly in love/thinking of leaving their spouses. BUT they kept seeing each other.There was a connection and attraction.

And it makes me wonder if , perhaps, in a few months she might contact him again. I doubt that he would contact her. But if she contacts him, it would be mighty tempting to see her. He has promised if ever she contacts him/emails him etc he will NOT reply. NOT answer the phone. And will tell me immediately. He knows how devastated I am by all this.

He also knows I am doing my best to repair our marriage from my end.

Bottom line is he knows I will not be here to go through this again.

 

Wow that's an amazing amount of time. You need to drive the boat. Hold him accountable. This will not be easy, but it can be done - and it does take time but make sure nc is established. It is the only way.

[compulsivedancer]

All of what you are feeling is normal. Don't beat yourself up for thinking and wanting these things.

 

And I'm secretly working on a pill to give a WS to keep them 100% committed to their spouse after infidelity. Once my trials are completed, I'll make sure to let you know. I'm just struggling right now to get my hands on enough unicorn tears to finish off this final batch.

 

 

If you can find a pill, make it potent BEFORE infidelity, too!

[Spark1111]

Part of the BS's role in a successful reconciliation is to boldly tell your spouse EXACTLY what you need.....no matter how insecure, crazy, needy you sound.

 

PERIOD!

 

If there was contact, either intentional or accidental on EITHER of their parts and he did not inform me immediately...I was GONE and I meant it.

 

if I discovered there was secret forms of communication....cell phone..email account...etc....I would DIVORCE him and I meant it.

 

And I told him I would use every means available to me to ascertain this and bear whatever cost to ensure he was trustworthy...and I MEANT it.

 

I told him if I was not enough, we would divorce amicably and fairly and he was free to pursue whomever he wanted...and I intended to do the same....and I would do it!

 

Please, please, please draw your lines in the sand....and stick your flag there and MEAN it!

 

raise your standards, your degree of difficulty, empower yourself....and mean it!

 

And communicate your feelings to him....clearly, directly and honestly at all times.

[Fluttershy]

The first three months after I found out about the A felt like a lifetime. Then slowly, ever slowly, time started to move forward. Then suddenly we had had every anniversary. And then even faster I realized it had been almost two years. And it got faster (I want to note here that the second year was not the hardest for me at all but others have found it so).

 

No multiple DDays or trickle truth I believe helped. I think both start the clock over and extend recovery.

 

So, hang in their. From where I am standing it does get better much better. In this time I believe I have become more independant and I believe be better equipped should he screw this up (I hope) whatever the case I have got to a place where I am not afraid he will cheat not because I trust him but because I survived it once, I can survive it again. And this time he can pack his bags and go. I want him to be a part of my life but I don't need him to be. If that makes sense. But I honestly didn't feel this strong until two years out.