Wife vs. OW

[beach]

I'm not here to waste anyone's time or expecting anyone to make this decision for me, I'm here to do exactly what you said - hear and discuss the possible ramifications.

 

So ya, getting some personal experience and stories from others is a big part of helping me make this decision. Forgive me, it's kind of a life changing one.

 

The real life changing decision you made was when you decided to cheat.

 

But you left your wife out of that decision when you made that one.

 

You've disrespected and disregarded your wife. Rewritten your marital history - and now you think your wife needs to pass YOUR test?

 

You have things all backwards.

 

Your wife needs to learn some self respect and take you to the cleaners- while encouraging you to get out of her life.

[CarrieT]

So ya, getting some personal experience and stories from others is a big part of helping me make this decision. Forgive me, it's kind of a life changing one.

All right… Here is mine personal experience.

 

I was living with a guy for 11 years. We never married because I never saw the point in the piece of paper and there were no children. But we met in our late 20s and as I was approaching my 40th year, I felt there was something missing in our relationship.

 

I began an emotional affair with a guy that sparked something in me like I had never known. All those typical stories of "completing each others' sentences, feeling each others' moods -- even when we were apart…" We were psychotic in our belief of a true spiritual connection because of what it was like when we were together.

 

So I ended my 11-year relationship for want of this guy who was -- I thought -- the person that would complete me. It was Limerence through and through. Read up on it. And the first 13 months were amazing; we sailed Belize and Panama on a yacht, just the two of us… Floated in a balloon over the vineyards in Napa… Made love in restaurant bathrooms for want of one another…

 

And then it all came crashing down. We were both living the fantasy of what we wanted each other to be and it took a little over a year to realize that it was exactly that: A Fantasy.

 

The ending of that relationship is what brought me here to LS in 2008. You can even go back to my firsts posts and read the threads I started on its demise. It took me a full two years to get over the relationship. He was still in my psyche and my dreams even after THREE YEARS of No Contact (I would find out later, through mutual friends, that the dreams I experienced always happened when he was going through the DTs in rehab).

 

It was devastating for me and the process of getting him out of my life and my head involved psychiatrists and therapy and extensive travel. And, finally, after lots of one-night-stands and "finding myself," I was able to meet someone that was true and honest and a relationship that STUCK. And I just got married -- after being unmarried for 25 years.

 

But the point is, you are in AFFAIR FOG. You are fantasizing all the perfect things about the OW and the life you will live together. And it will never, ever be that way. Ever. You cannot predict or prepare for all those things that will really happen and that curve ball will make you question why you left your wife and destroyed your family.

[artdet]

Soul mates can happen, but I can tell you what is stronger, it's sexual emotions when they are withheld. It is one of our strongest emotions. It can dictate everything we do, override our logic and lifestyle. You can read a thousand life stories here but still choose to sacrifice families and futures to satisfy those emotions. We are who we are. Good luck with whatever path you choose.

[BeingMe]

Hi again.

 

So reading other people's posts, I'm thinking there are some more questions that may be helpful for you to ask yourself:

 

- Did you want a divorce before you MET your MOM? (I'm not talking about feeling lost or dissatisfied,those are things that could have been worked through in counselling, but wanting a divorce)

 

- To try and help you work out what you really want. In an ideal world would you want:

a) To stay with your wife and your OW disappear off the face of the planet?

b) To leave your wife, move out by yourself, see your child child for half the week (maybe less), pay child support, negotiate a divorce (which may become nasty because she's hurt), split the assets incl your pension etc, see your wife every week for child handover and see her gradually detach from you and find someone else who your child will also see as 'daddy'?

c) To leave your wife, move in with MOM,see your child child for half the week (maybe less), pay child support, negotiate 2 divorces (which may become nasty because they're hurt), split the assets incl your pension etc, see your wife every week for child handover and see her gradually detach from you and find someone else who your child will also see as 'daddy'. Have to blend both your families, deal with the fallout from MOM BH and their children, parent your child and her children, work out two lots of visitation schedules, have to talk all child decisions through between the four of you etc?

d) Stay married to your wife and keep seeing your MOM?

 

- Why do you think your wife is willing to work on the marriage with you?What does she see in you and in your marriage that you don't see?

 

- How do you feel about yourself and what you've been doing? Take the blameshifting out of it. What do you think about the person you've become and the decisions you've made? Do you like and respect who you are right now? If you had a time machine, would you do it all again in the same way? If not, what would you do differently and why?

 

- To get the the root of whether this is a life changing relationship with MOM, or part of a long standing coping mechanism: Have you ever flirted with other women just to make yourself feel good? Have you had any previous crisis in your life? Did you look for some form of female attention during that time (could be from your wife, mother,female friend,female co-worker,female boss) I know that my husband uses female attention as a 'boost' and his most frustrating times have been when he has an unsupportive female boss (He's had unsupportive male bosses but it's not had the same impact on him)he finds female disapproval very difficult.

 

 

I hope you can have a think about some of these things. Your decision is going to be life changing whatever you do, or even if you choose to do nothing (which is also a choice) and wait for someone else to make a decision.

Edited January 9, 2014 by BeingMe

[katielee]

"So ya, getting some personal experience and stories from others is a big part of helping me make this decision"

 

I'm telling you, as a former WW, you are NOT in love with this woman. Please consider complete NC for at least 6 months (if only for your child's sake) - move if you have to - and THEN decide. I guarantee you'll feel differently.

[waterwoman]

I agree with threelaurels.

 

Let your wife go.

 

'Hey, I cheated but it was your fault. i have stopped the a for a period of time to see if you can jump through enough hoops to become the sort of wife i want. Oh and BTW, the OW is still in my heart so consider yourself handicapped'

 

Not nice at all. Get divorced, deal with the consequences.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

and giving my wife a fair chance before departing.

 

Of all of the delusional statements in this OP, this one is the crown jewel. Your wife has no chance versus the OM. The OM is perfect, and your wife is the consolation prize (in your eyes).

 

The more you try to do the "honorable" thing, the more delusional you sound. If my WW ever said she's giving me a chance to prove myself,.... let's just say that wouldn't go over well. Instant deal-breaker.

[Henrirose]

You've come here for thoughts, guidance of sorts, advice. You've gotten plenty.

 

Now it's your wife's turn.

 

Send her here for her chance to receive the same.

Let her read the words and experiences and advice of other betrayed spouses.

The ones who made it and the ones who didn't. And why.

 

Their step by step guidance will be invaluable to her in how to maneuver what lies ahead.

[harrybrown]

Your wife will never get over what you have done to her. You are cruel and selfish.

 

How would you feel if your wife had an affair and was putting you through this horrible experience? You keep twisting the knife in her back.

 

Give her the divorce, the damage is too great. Move on with the OM, if she will give up her marriage. But watch out for Karma. Someday, you will find that if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you.

 

How could she do something like that to you? How could you keep doing this awful knife twisting in your wife's back? Get out of the marriage. Way too much damage already. Time to stop, and think how you would feel everyday having to face the cheating and the lying and the betrayal.

[veryhappy]

It's not wife vs. OW, its life with one vs. life with the other.

 

I was going to give you a hard time, but you have enough of that already.

 

I'm a fMOW and I'd like to point out one thing: what makes you believe you have the capacity to make a decision? You seemingly had decided to divorce then turn around and want to work on your M. Does that sound like a reliable person to you? Does it sound like you make sense?

 

I've asked my exAP if he wanted to go to MC when he was so sure he wanted to be with me. Told him that's likely to happen anyway and offered to get out of his way. No, no, no he wanted me for certain and no MC with the wife. What happened was a sad cliche that left me feeling on the brink of losing my mind. Completely unnecessary.

 

You may want to reflect before you act until you know what you want.

[Dean13]

- Did you want a divorce before you MET your MOM? (I'm not talking about feeling lost or dissatisfied,those are things that could have been worked through in counselling, but wanting a divorce)

 

To me, this is the key question that is yet to be answered. If divorce was a very real possibility before you met the OW, and this just exacerbated the situation, then it is probably the right move.

 

If there were just issues in the marriage that could have been worked through, but instead you chose the route of bonding with someone else, someone who can't possibly have this baggage, because you've only just met them, haven't lived with them, and are both still in a new and exciting part of your relationship, that's not fair, your wife can't beat "new and exciting". Once you became seriously involved with the other woman, you weren't giving your marriage a serious chance anymore.

 

Of course, at this point, I'm not sure it matters, sounds like too much damage has been done.

[lollipopspot]

Is it possible your brain is trying to rewrite history a little? Sixteen years is a long time, and you chose to marry and make a baby.

 

I wonder this too. What made it tolerable for so long?

 

Whatever your decision, do not:

 

3. There nothing to stop you or the ow from falling in love with someone else 15 years from now if you two left your spouses. This is something you ought to acknowledge.

4. There's only one way to find out if the relationship with the ow will work out. If it doesn't, don't go back to your wife, pestering for another chance.

 

There's nothing to stop anyone from falling in love with someone else. Even his wife. It's not like if he stayed, that there's any guarantee that she's going to want to stay forever (regardless of if this event had happened or not). People change and relationships are not necessarily forever.

 

If his wife wanted him back, that's between them.

 

If you had not met your OW would you have left your wife? Did thoughts of divorce cross your mind before the OW ?

 

I wonder this too. It sounds as though he was content enough, but just saw the possibility of something better with the OW?

 

Divorce will be easier on him at this young age than if you wait until he gets older. You may not get to see him as often, but you will still be a major part of his life...

 

With time, your wife will find someone who does love her the way she deserves to be loved. That person will not replace you as a father but love and support your son as a stepfather.

 

It's better for children developmentally to have stability in their early years. Divorce when children are young is not easier on them. They may not remember it as well, but they are generally more scarred by it.

 

There are so many crap stepfathers out there that this seems pollyanna-ish to me.

[rumbleseat]

If you are wondering what life with the ow would be like, and are considering that in your decision, there is a simple route to that knowledge...

 

Just ask her H. I wonder what he would have to say about her, and what she is like as a wife.

[not-so-sure]

If you're anything like me, this OW of yours is a distraction from your normal life. If you want to be 'authentic' about it, then you need to cease with your OW and try and work out your marriage.

 

Once that is done, or fails, then take time to heal, then look for someone who is available. Maybe the OW will be available. If not, don't make her cheat again. Give her marriage the same chance you give yours.

 

The only way I could seriously start to recover from my affair was to end all contact with the OW. I still think about her a lot but I try and deal with that in a productive way. I am slowly re-engaging with my wife and as hard it was for me to do so initially, directing little bits and pieces of the energy you were putting into the OW back toward your wife will start a thaw in your feelings for her.

 

I was where you were 8 months ago. I was going to leave my wife, because I loved my OW. What you think you have with her is what I thought I had. And I did have it. But I convinced myself to stick things out for a while and wallow in the despair of losing that connection with the OW. It was painful! However, it was only after I finally (finally) severed contact that I could really begin to understand what I was about to leave behind in my wife and family. Now the only time I see the OW is when we cross paths in the office where I work, which is about once a month. We don't talk.

 

I won't deny that she and I had a lot in common. You story sounds similar to mine, although mine developed over six months to an EA where had not even touched to a three week 'break' which ended with a full blown affair that went for nearly a year. Even before that, there was attraction. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that 4 months is hardly any time at all. These chemicals surging through your brain may ultimately deceive when they wear off, and they will.

 

It's happening for me and every passing day those feelings for the OW diminish. No, they're not gone totally, they may never go, but life is starting to return to sense of normality at home. I still have a ways to go with reconciliation with my wife (I confessed - she had no idea), but I am hopeful of that. But that's my job.

 

You're the one who checked out, it's not clear to me why your wife has to work to win you back? I had to confess because my wife was doing all sorts of things to try and mend our relationship because I told her I thought I didn't love her any more. I could not continue to let her try and fix a problem that wasn't her making!

 

anyway, TL;DR. Stay the course, try and repair your marriage, but don't waste your wife's time with some half arsed bs. Cut the other woman out. If you were meant to be, it will be. But not like this. There's no honour in it at all.

[Arieswoman]

It is better that a child comes from a "broken home" than lives in one.

[katielee]

but......

this guy is in the fog!

If he detatches and has NC with the OW, he will feel differently.

OP - don't destroy your marriage and your child's life because you are currently undergoing some sort of chemical unbalance. I speak from experience. I KNOW what it feels like. remove the drug, withdraw and you will think differently.

[Fullmona]

but......

this guy is in the fog!

If he detatches and has NC with the OW, he will feel differently.

OP - don't destroy your marriage and your child's life because you are currently undergoing some sort of chemical unbalance. I speak from experience. I KNOW what it feels like. remove the drug, withdraw and you will think differently.

 

How do you know I'm in a fog? Are you a psychologist? Have I explained to you in detail the depth of my love towards the OW?

 

I'm not ignoring the fact this happened to you, but let's not pretend that very real, deep loving relationships haven't started from affairs.

 

For what it's worth, both the OW and I had very powerful, unexplainable feelings towards each other well before the A started. The resulting affair was a manifestation of those feelings, not the reverse.

 

And we've tried NC on a few occasions, only to have our feelings grow stronger than ever before.

[Fullmona]

To me, this is the key question that is yet to be answered. If divorce was a very real possibility before you met the OW, and this just exacerbated the situation, then it is probably the right move.

 

If there were just issues in the marriage that could have been worked through, but instead you chose the route of bonding with someone else, someone who can't possibly have this baggage, because you've only just met them, haven't lived with them, and are both still in a new and exciting part of your relationship, that's not fair, your wife can't beat "new and exciting". Once you became seriously involved with the other woman, you weren't giving your marriage a serious chance anymore.

 

Of course, at this point, I'm not sure it matters, sounds like too much damage has been done.

 

I answered this question in my OP. Yes, my wife and I had already discussed a separation/divorce months before I met the OW.

 

I stopped loving her, and now question if I ever did at all now that I have experienced a much deeper and more real love.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

How do you know I'm in a fog? Are you a psychologist? Have I explained to you in detail the depth of my love towards the OW?

 

 

I'm not ignoring the fact this happened to you, but let's not pretend that very real, deep loving relationships haven't started from affairs.

 

For what it's worth, both the OW and I had very powerful, unexplainable feelings towards each other well before the A started. The resulting affair was a manifestation of those feelings, not the reverse.

 

 

And we've tried NC on a few occasions, only to have our feelings grow stronger than ever before.

 

 

 

Because we have lived it. I don't doubt you love her, but you haven't been NC long enough to really see clearly. This is what you need to do. You need to go NC - at least six months and I would say at least a year - nothing, nada, no texts, no phone calls, no googling, no fb, nothing. Work on your responsibility at hand - your wife and family. This is your primary responsibility.

 

 

 

I would never presume to tell someone how it will end up, but the bottom line is you should make an effort to work on your marriage. Your OW isn't going anywhere and even if she does, then what does that tell you? You never, ever leave a marriage for someone else - you leave because it's not working anymore.

 

There are some examples of people reconnecting after several years - but those are rare.

 

Please keep reading and listen to those of us who have been on your side of the fence - the OW or OM - we know what we are talking about - believe me.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I answered this question in my OP. Yes, my wife and I had already discussed a separation/divorce months before I met the OW.

 

I stopped loving her, and now question if I ever did at all now that I have experienced a much deeper and more real love.

 

 

 

This is "affair fog" - this is what all AP's say - I said the same thing to my husband. It wasn't really true. The love had just changed over the years. Did I love my AP? Sure I did - but I believe now that I loved who I THOUGHT he was - the IDEA of him - which was not reality for either one of us.

 

 

If you have a dday (excuse me if I didn't see whether you did or not) things will change quickly, believe me.

[tiredofitall2]

Guys, I think OP has already established that he loves this OW more than his W and kid. All we have to do is let him be. I just would hope that he comes back to share his experience with OW a few months or a year down the road and what his mindset about leaving his family is at that moment. We all can learn from that. Or like some of us that have been in his very shoes will come back help others that are chasing butterflies and unicorns.

[whichwayisup]

How do you know I'm in a fog? Are you a psychologist? Have I explained to you in detail the depth of my love towards the OW?

 

I'm not ignoring the fact this happened to you, but let's not pretend that very real, deep loving relationships haven't started from affairs.

 

For what it's worth, both the OW and I had very powerful, unexplainable feelings towards each other well before the A started. The resulting affair was a manifestation of those feelings, not the reverse.

 

And we've tried NC on a few occasions, only to have our feelings grow stronger than ever before.

 

Then divorce your wife, let the MW divorce her husband, be on your own for a while, then date her in a proper way. All you know and can go on is what you feel for.. IN an affair setting. You have no idea if your lives will mesh well, if your families will get along, if friends (and family) will accept her and you. Your affair is a secret and hidden, this is not a regular open relationship.

 

It's your life, you're gonna do what you're gonna do, but keep your eyes open and dont' fool yourself into thinking that ending a long marriage and starting a new life with someone else is going to work out and you two sail off into the sunset together.

 

Affair fogs are real. There's a story on here now about an OW who ended up with her MM and she is not happy like she used to be. The relationship is not the same and she now sees the MM's flaws, their life together is not half as exciting as it used to be... Just saying be SURE you're leaving your marriage for yourself and BE on your own before jumping in and making a new life with OW.

[Fullmona]

Guys, I think OP has already established that he loves this OW more than his W and kid.

 

Not a fair statement. Do not connect the two.

 

I am prepared to be there for my child more than ever in a committed co-parenting relationship. He deserves to have a father/stepfather who gives his mother the love she deserves.

[tiredofitall2]

Not a fair statement. Do not connect the two.

 

I am prepared to be there for my child more than ever in a committed co-parenting relationship. He deserves to have a father/stepfather who gives his mother the love she deserves.

 

 

 

Not meant to be fair or unfair, just to help you understand that when one cheats we cheat against our entire family.

 

I don't meant to be rough, but if wish someone would have done for me what I'm doing now here in LS. I was where you are now. What do I think of my "soulmate" now? She's worthless. Immature, arrogant and selfish. But wait! I was too.....

[Eggplant]

I have strong feelings about this matter, influenced by my own brush with infidelity. I was an OW for 15 months, although I didn't know it at the time, as the MM said he'd never married. I knew he had children, and in hindsight, I should have recognized the signs, but I was in love and blindly trusted him. I was madly in love. The MM returned to his country of origin, and to the best of my knowledge, he destroyed his marriage. In fact, he tried to divorce and have me come to his country without my ever knowing he'd been married at all. The BS wasn't about to go down without a fight, as she'd been with him 15 years, since age 15, and had children with him, and had waited alone years for him to return, and invested all her youth with the father of her children -- her husband. She told me he no longer wanted her, that he wanted me. But she asked me to leave. I haven't answered him in the year since. He's getting divorced, but I cannot stomach the injustice and treachery that he inflicted on his wife. It's too horrible for me to be a part of that. So I consider that I gave up the love of my life. Love is so powerful. I understand your feelings. That is why I feel settling in marriage is so wrong. Because you're making a promise you won't be able to keep once the real thing comes along, as you are experiencing. Just keep in mind that once you married and furthermore had a child, it's no longer ethical for you to put your happiness and well-being above all else. Understand that while you and your OW will be happy, your abandoned wife, who did nothing wrong, is being screwed over immensely. Let's be real -- it's not the same for an older single dad and an older single mom out there in the dating world. She already gave you her youth and had your baby, after you voluntarily committed to her, and that's what men look for in mates first. Your commitment to her disappears once something of greater value to you appears. You'll be a hero simply for not abandoning your child. I think it's so unfair and so horrible that I couldn't participate in it, not even for the love of my life.