Wife vs. OW

January 8, 2014

I realize there are many topics on this subject already but wanted to solicit some feedback with respect to own situation.

I've hit an important crossroads where I need to make a decision on whether to work on my marriage, or end it an pursue a life with the OW.

To give some history. I have been married to my wife for 6.5 years after 10 years of dating. We have a 4 year old son together.

When I met her, there was certainly some mutual attraction, but I wouldn't describe it as being highly intense or having a deep emotional bond or physical chemistry. We had some things in common and enjoyed spending time together as friends.

On paper she had many of the qualities I wanted in a wife, and we had been together for a few years. Marrying her seemed like the right thing to do. Some of it out of peer pressure and looking back I think at that stage in my life I liked the idea of being married, as opposed to necessarily being married to her. Our relationship was based on friendship, companionship and trust - but without a deep connection. This has been enough for her, but for me there has always been something lacking.

We have faced some issues over the past few years, specifically a serious breakdown in communication. Her and I never communicated well, this was always one of our weaknesses, and it caused me to become emotionally isolated and unwilling to express myself and have an equal voice in the marriage on a number of key issues. I have considered ending the marriage for some time.

About 5 months ago I met the OW (also married with young kids) through a working relationship. Our chemistry was instant. The way we look at each other, the transfer of energy, the way we finish each other's sentences. We acted like kindred souls without any effort and I was drawn to this woman with an intensity like I have never experienced.

Over the next few months our working relationship evolved into a friendship. We began to confide in each other about our marriages and our family life and things slowly crossed into emotional affair territory. We are both people of strong moral character who had never experienced this before and both admitted things were going too far and we ended things and ceased communication to redirect our attention back to our spouses.

Whenever we cut each other out of our lives, the intensity seemed to grow and we always found our way back to each other with stronger feelings than before. It was a powerful pull that we couldn't fight. We tried to do the right thing about 3-4 times over the course of a couple months, and every time things got stronger.

After a period of time, we realized we were in love, a love much stronger than either of us had ever experienced.

Things did cross the line physically on a few occasions, with some sexual touching but no intercourse, and passionate, intense kissing for hours at a time. I seriously could spend hours upon hours just kissing this woman. We spent alot of time together just doing normal things, eating, shopping, walking in the park and tried to just act normal rather than just focusing on the passion and intensity of our forbidden love.

We took a step back from the excitement of the situation and we began to discover more about each other, our values, our life goals, our families, everything just seemed in perfect alignment. This had all the makings a lifelong partnership, plus the intense chemistry and love that we both desired. We talked about all the realities of our relationship, dealing with differences, financial issues, parenting values, blending families, jealous ex-spouses and all the day to day realities that we would certainly face. We were both trying to evaluate the full picture of this relationship. Our uncanny ability to communicate without judgment and with an open minded understanding of each other allows us to believe we can work through any challenge together.

We knew if our relationship had any chance of success, we had to go about things the right way. We both received counselling, we solicited advice from family and friends, and have both began the process of informing our spouses about the affair and initiating a separation.

My wife has reacted with alot of hurt and has really looked inward rather than be angry. She has tried to reach out to me in new ways to develop the emotional chemistry that I received from the OW in an attempt to restore the marriage. After initially supporting my desire to end the marriage, she wants to continue to make the effort for the sake of our son. I admire her courage, I just question if it will be enough for me. She knows how real my feelings towards this woman are but she has admitted she has a breaking point and could not stay in the marriage long term if I have lasting feelings for somebody else, but she wants to work through things...for now.

In a rash emotional decision under the weight of jealousy, guilt, frustration and many other things, I decided to break things off with the OW a few days ago so we can both focus on giving our spouses one last chance to meet our needs in the marriage, for the sake of our children and for the sake of ensuring there are no issues of unresolved baggage prior to starting a new relationship together. She was devastated, but deep down she feels it's the right thing to do and had been asking for this for awhile, and I always was against the idea until the emotional weight of this whole situation caused me to re-evaluate our decisions recently.

I feel this is an important test with my relationship with the OW to see if the feelings are real, and now that the spouses know there is no longer that excitement of a "forbidden love". I believe if these feelings prevail through this break then we know for certain it has the makings of a real, complete relationship. I realize alot of people involved in affairs at the time think they have found their soulmate, or that it feels so complete - only when they take that step they realize how incomplete it actually was. Therefore I want to put it through this important test and know for sure.

Conversely, I know there are many people in this world (including the OWs own mother) who have discovered their ideal partner in our situations, and have taken the appropriate steps to start the relationship on the right foot.

My gut and my heart are telling me to be with the OW, but handle my separation with dignity and addressing unresolved issues and giving my wife a fair chance before departing.

I guess my question is how do I know the the difference between the feelings of love one gets in an affair vs. the feelings of a lasting connection and bond? I realize that love is a choice, and comes everyday with action and grows with history and companionship. But I also think there is something special that comes with a deep emotional connection that very few people in this world ever get the pleasure of experience. History and companionship can also be built on a foundation of a deep love.

Any comments and feedback on my situation is greatly appreciated.

Edited January 8, 2014 by Fullmona

January 8, 2014

Leave your wife and move on. The fact that you posted this thread says you need to be elsewhere.

January 8, 2014

I don't think you should be giving your marriage another try and here's why:

You talk about giving your wife "another chance to meet your needs". It's not her fault you had an affair, she doesnt need to be stepping up to meet your needs. Your A was your own choice and your own fault. I think it's sick that you're going to go home "Well, honey, I really am in love with someone else but I'll give you one last chance!"

wtf... what an air of entitlement. For your wife's sake, I think you should LEAVE. And for OW's sake, I think you should get counseling before you try a real R with her, what happens when she isn't meeting your needs? You just leave?

I think you need better relationship skills before you try a relationship with anyone (W, OW, or any other woman)

January 8, 2014

Separate from your wife and continue NC with the OW. Be by yourself for while and take time to figure out what you are truly looking for in life.

January 8, 2014

To give some history. I have been married to my wife for 6.5 years after 10 years of dating. We have a 4 year old son together.

When I met her, there was certainly some mutual attraction, but I wouldn't describe it as being highly intense or having a deep emotional bond or physical chemistry. We had some things in common and enjoyed spending time together as friends.

On paper she had many of the qualities I wanted in a wife, and we had been together for a few years. Marrying her seemed like the right thing to do. Some of it out of peer pressure and looking back I think at that stage in my life I liked the idea of being married, as opposed to necessarily being married to her. Our relationship was based on friendship, companionship and trust - but without a deep connection. This has been enough for her, but for me there has always been something lacking.

Is it possible your brain is trying to rewrite history a little? Sixteen years is a long time, and you chose to marry and make a baby.

January 8, 2014

I realize there are many topics on this subject already but wanted to solicit some feedback with respect to own situation.

I've hit an important crossroads where I need to make a decision on whether to work on my marriage, or end it an pursue a life with the OW.

To give some history. I have been married to my wife for 6.5 years after 10 years of dating. We have a 4 year old son together.

When I met her, there was certainly some mutual attraction, but I wouldn't describe it as being highly intense or having a deep emotional bond or physical chemistry. We had some things in common and enjoyed spending time together as friends.

On paper she had many of the qualities I wanted in a wife, and we had been together for a few years. Marrying her seemed like the right thing to do. Some of it out of peer pressure and looking back I think at that stage in my life I liked the idea of being married, as opposed to necessarily being married to her. Our relationship was based on friendship, companionship and trust - but without a deep connection. This has been enough for her, but for me there has always been something lacking.

We have faced some issues over the past few years, specifically a serious breakdown in communication. Her and I never communicated well, this was always one of our weaknesses, and it caused me to become emotionally isolated and unwilling to express myself and have an equal voice in the marriage on a number of key issues. I have considered ending the marriage for some time.

About 5 months ago I met the OW (also married with young kids) through a working relationship. Our chemistry was instant. The way we look at each other, the transfer of energy, the way we finish each other's sentences. We acted like kindred souls without any effort and I was drawn to this woman with an intensity like I have never experienced.

Over the next few months our working relationship evolved into a friendship. We began to confide in each other about our marriages and our family life and things slowly crossed into emotional affair territory. We are both people of strong moral character who had never experienced this before and both admitted things were going too far and we ended things and ceased communication to redirect our attention back to our spouses.

Whenever we cut each other out of our lives, the intensity seemed to grow and we always found our way back to each other with stronger feelings than before. It was a powerful pull that we couldn't fight. We tried to do the right thing about 3-4 times over the course of a couple months, and every time things got stronger.

After a period of time, we realized we were in love, a love much stronger than either of us had ever experienced.

Things did cross the line physically on a few occasions, with some sexual touching but no intercourse, and passionate, intense kissing for hours at a time. I seriously could spend hours upon hours just kissing this woman. We spent alot of time together just doing normal things, eating, shopping, walking in the park and tried to just act normal rather than just focusing on the passion and intensity of our forbidden love.

We took a step back from the excitement of the situation and we began to discover more about each other, our values, our life goals, our families, everything just seemed in perfect alignment. This had all the makings a lifelong partnership, plus the intense chemistry and love that we both desired. We talked about all the realities of our relationship, dealing with differences, financial issues, parenting values, blending families, jealous ex-spouses and all the day to day realities that we would certainly face. We were both trying to evaluate the full picture of this relationship. Our uncanny ability to communicate without judgment and with an open minded understanding of each other allows us to believe we can work through any challenge together.

We knew if our relationship had any chance of success, we had to go about things the right way. We both received counselling, we solicited advice from family and friends, and have both began the process of informing our spouses about the affair and initiating a separation.

My wife has reacted with alot of hurt and has really looked inward rather than be angry. She has tried to reach out to me in new ways to develop the emotional chemistry that I received from the OW in an attempt to restore the marriage. After initially supporting my desire to end the marriage, she wants to continue to make the effort for the sake of our son. I admire her courage, I just question if it will be enough for me. She knows how real my feelings towards this woman are but she has admitted she has a breaking point and could not stay in the marriage long term if I have lasting feelings for somebody else, but she wants to work through things...for now.

In a rash emotional decision under the weight of jealousy, guilt, frustration and many other things, I decided to break things off with the OW a few days ago so we can both focus on giving our spouses one last chance to meet our needs in the marriage, for the sake of our children and for the sake of ensuring there are no issues of unresolved baggage prior to starting a new relationship together. She was devastated, but deep down she feels it's the right thing to do and had been asking for this for awhile, and I always was against the idea until the emotional weight of this whole situation caused me to re-evaluate our decisions recently.

I feel this is an important test with my relationship with the OW to see if the feelings are real, and now that the spouses know there is no longer that excitement of a "forbidden love". I believe if these feelings prevail through this break then we know for certain it has the makings of a real, complete relationship. I realize alot of people involved in affairs at the time think they have found their soulmate, or that it feels so complete - only when they take that step they realize how incomplete it actually was. Therefore I want to put it through this important test and know for sure.

Conversely, I know there are many people in this world (including the OWs own mother) who have discovered their ideal partner in our situations, and have taken the appropriate steps to start the relationship on the right foot.

My gut and my heart are telling me to be with the OW, but handle my separation with dignity and addressing unresolved issues and giving my wife a fair chance before departing.

I guess my question is how do I know the the difference between the feelings of love one gets in an affair vs. the feelings of a lasting connection and bond? I realize that love is a choice, and comes everyday with action and grows with history and companionship. But I also think there is something special that comes with a deep emotional connection that very few people in this world ever get the pleasure of experience. History and companionship can also be built on a foundation of a deep love.

Any comments and feedback on my situation is greatly appreciated.

(Groan)..............

Not another one..................................

Frankly, the others have said it. You have gone to great lengths to 'excuse' your foul treatment of your unsuspecting wife. Graphically displaying your obvious desire to be with the other woman, so please give it a rest.

Do the decent and grown up thing and give your neglected wife the opportunity to find someone who will offer her the love, respect and dignity she deserves.

January 8, 2014

Ok, we are going to have to make it a requirement for wayward spouses to have to read about Affair fog, affair love and the wayward script/babble before posting here. It gets old reading about how all people in affairs are "soul mates", "kindred spirits" and how the stars and universe aligned for them to be together.

They should also read about how not to be selfish and not destroy all people around them.

You are destroying not only your family and 4yr old, but OMs home as well.

What can I say?

No there is nothing special about your affair or this OW. You are just overflowing with "love chemicals". Make sure everyone involved is aware of the A and once the betrayed spouses have made their decisions, you can follow whatever path is left.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to do some reading on affairs, marriage and love etc,etc.

January 8, 2014

So, your mindset is this is a test to see how much you love the OW, not to mention that you view this as a chance for your wife to prove herself to you.

Your weak minded attempt with your wife will fail as you put the onus on her to be a better partner, and this coming from someone who lacks integrity, communication skills and treated your wife with disrespect.

The issue is YOU. Your lack of realist insight (citing your values, moral person)...values/morals are what you live not just something you say you have. And don't get things twisted about how you and the OW don't judge and have open minds. Really, how can either of you judge the other when you both have such poor boundaries, integrity, respect for others. Of course you agree, you are the same person. And to call you out, the OW would have to admit that she too is a person with poor character/morals. Most can not bear that, so they tell themselves lies, and the AP agrees with those lies because it keeps their positive view of themselves alive as well.

You both spoke to family and friends behind your spouses back. Not to the one person who should have been told. How disrespectful, to let others know what is going on in your spouses life, whilst keeping them in the dark.

Personally, I am not attracted to people just like me. There is no growth there, no additional resources of the skills that I lack, no new things to learn, no challenging myself.

I am not surprised your OW, is a daughter of an OW. People tend to recreate life experiences, regardless of the dysfunction.

Your heart, mind is not in R, it WILL fail. You set it up that way.

Leave your soon to be "jealous ex spouse"(don't rule out relieved), as you have already determined the outcome. Stop playing martyr and accept that in the end you were nothing more than a lying, cheating husband not a man with morals.

Bravo! This says just about everything!

January 8, 2014

now that the spouses know there is no longer that excitement of a "forbidden love". I believe if these feelings prevail through this break then we know for certain it has the makings of a real, complete relationship.

How do you know this "for certain"? Just because of FEELINGS? A real, complete relationship requires a lot more than just feelings. It requires the integrity to hang in there and keep moving forward when the feelings aren't as strong as you wish they were. Oh wait.

You don't know you have the makings of a real, complete relationship. You don't know what she's like to live with, what she's like after the honeymoon phase wears off. You don't know what it is like to share finances with her or to co-parent with her. You don't know what it is like to share housework with her or have to care for ailing parents with her. You don't know what her extended family is like, or how her children would react to her (or your son to her.)

You are going off passion, which is a terrible feeling to make decisions by.

Put your heart and soul into your marriage, and see what happens. Not just giving your wife a chance to step up, but YOU also trying to see if you can make things better. When you find yourself aching for the OW, just stop. Realize that your feelings for her are based on swooning when you kiss and wanting to have sex with her, not on anything real.

You need to shake off the fantasies and deal with your real life.

If after an honest try at fixing your marriage, it still isn't working, then spend some time ALONE before attempting to build another relationship. Every relationship ending needs a cooling off period.

January 8, 2014

My wife has reacted with alot of hurt and has really looked inward rather than be angry. She has tried to reach out to me in new ways to develop the emotional chemistry that I received from the OW in an attempt to restore the marriage. After initially supporting my desire to end the marriage, she wants to continue to make the effort for the sake of our son. I admire her courage, I just question if it will be enough for me. She knows how real my feelings towards this woman are but she has admitted she has a breaking point and could not stay in the marriage long term if I have lasting feelings for somebody else, but she wants to work through things...for now.

Wow! Your W sounds like an incredible woman, and it is a shame you do not have the same moral fibre that she does. Not many people in this world that would give a 2nd chance given the actions you have taken. Keep that in mind.

Do you think your AP will totally trust you? Can you totally trust her? Could either of you be as forgiving as your W was? Afterall, both you and your AP have demonstrated that you are capable of cheating. You would be trying to build a relationship on a foundation that started in lies and deceit, and if you do some digging, you will see that such relationships do not last and end poorly.

January 8, 2014

Go with the OW and raise her children. Later when your son is old enough explain to him why you chose to leave him and your family to raise another man's children. Why you didn't love him and your family enough to to protect them and provide for them.

I know the short and most honest answer:)

Well son, because I loved myself above all and I had to follow what felt right in my heart (penis)....

Get the picture. Now, if you want real advise from us here. We can provide that, but please have right mindset before asking for help.

Good luck

p.s. If you want to be able to finish your W sentences try talking to her and getting to know her better.

Edited January 8, 2014 by tiredofitall2

January 8, 2014

I guess my question is how do I know the the difference between the feelings of love one gets in an affair vs. the feelings of a lasting connection and bond?

Each experience is different. You underscored this by your recitation of meeting and dating your spouse nearly 18 years ago, and for ten years at that, before marrying her. You were a different person back then. When you 'meet' someone today, it will reflect the person you are now. IMO, there's really no way to 'compare'. One is not 'better' or 'worse' than the other, merely different.

My best advice would be to continue MC (marriage counseling) and NC (no contact) with your former affair partner and give MC a solid year of effort. If you have a solid foundation (you've been together nearly 18 years and MC will clarify the solidity of that union) and can focus on your marriage, my bet is you will either reconcile or see a clear path to divorce, and do so.

Good luck. I'm a fMM who did not reconcile his M so take my advice for what it's worth.

January 8, 2014

1. Work things out with your wife.

2. Leave/divorce your wife and start a relationship with the ow.

Choose carefully. Whatever your decision, do not:

1. Get jealous when your wife finds another man.

2. If you chose the ow, don't come back on this forum in 5-10 years, complaining that she cheated on you.

3. There nothing to stop you or the ow from falling in love with someone else 15 years from now if you two left your spouses. This is something you ought to acknowledge.

4. There's only one way to find out if the relationship with the ow will work out. If it doesn't, don't go back to your wife, pestering for another chance.

January 8, 2014

Actually, I think he might just have beggared off everyone........................

January 8, 2014

your poor son, sorry, but 4 is still a baby, he is in the equation too

January 8, 2014

Wow Fullmona, except for a few details, you could be my husband.

So I'm going to say a few things and you can choose to hear them or not:

If you think your wife has to 'earn' your staying in your marriage after your affair, then you are being emotionally abusive to her. Would you want to be in a marriage where you fear that if you are not the perfect partner, your spouse will leave? Where you fear being yourself, or disagreeing in case that will cause your spouse to end it, blaming you for it all? A fearful relationship is not healthy.

Now your wife needs to get healthy herself, to realise that she deserves better than living in emotional fear. But you need to get healthy too. You need to ask yourself why you are happy to let your wife live like that? Why do you place all the blame on her for your own poor choices? It also sounds like you've rewritten the history of your marriage (very common with affairs). But even if you haven't, you seem to have some common factors that are flaws in you, not your wife: extreme conflict avoidance, blameshifting for consequences of your own decisions, learned helplessness/passivity (letting yourself think that life just happens to you, rather than owning your choices), anattitude of entitlement - you deserve XYZ, you feel ABC, but don't think about what your wife deserves (other than, maybe, punishment??) or feels, as an equally valid partner in your marriage.

Whatever decision you make, you need to get counselling to work on your own issues, or you will repeat this again and again.

And your wife. You've devastated her,taken advantage of her and are taking her for granted...yet she still offers you reconciliation. She's a gem. Maybe one day you will realise that. But it will probably be too late and she will have moved on and be happy with someone who knows her value.

January 8, 2014

you may take your words back if someday you see your wife and child with
a loving loyal man.

Another good point. Note that if you choose OW, you are choosing to give away at least 1/2 your time with your son, and opening the door for him to call another man "Daddy".

January 8, 2014

OP, since you mentioned you met your AP in the workplace, is work NC possible? If you wish to work this issue with your spouse, IMO, workplace NC is paramount, given the parameters she has expressed regarding reconciliation.

Also, you'll find in MC that the marital issues are not merely her 'meeting her spouses' needs but rather 'you each meeting the other spouse's needs'. I saw working this issue as a large part of my work in MC as the WS. Marriage is a team effort and any issues/problems/failures are worked as a team, with responsibility by the team. Additionally, seek out a MC with a record of working and reconciling marriages with affairs, adjunct to any other issues relevant to your M that require special psychological consideration. Good luck.

January 8, 2014

I think you should leave and be with OW. After time though OW will be the same as your wife. Your wife deserves more and she sounds incredible to put up with your selfishness. No matter who you are with you are going to have problems and after time the newness and lust goes away. love from marriage grows to a deeper mature love but it comes with work.

You may not realize this now but you took away, the best part of marriage which is full hearted trust, and how your wife gave every part of her soul to you. In stead of putting the work in your marriage you have been getting your ego stroked and giving your attention to someone else. The one that deserved the attention was you wife she gave you a child and does many things for you.

Think about how you would feel if your wife did this to you after you put so much work into nurturing and working for her. You have allot of making up to do and you should be trying to earn back trust. It is not right that your wife is the one putting the extra work in to keep you. One day she is going to resent you, and you may wish you had never done this. I hope you think about what we are saying here. Your lucky your wife is giving you a chance.

Don't count on your wife being the soon to be jealous ex because their is plenty of fish in the sea out there for her also. You need to consider counseling the life on the other side is not what you think.

Edited January 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

January 8, 2014

OP, since you mentioned you met your AP in the workplace, is work NC possible? If you wish to work this issue with your spouse, IMO, workplace NC is paramount, given the parameters she has expressed regarding reconciliation.

Also, you'll find in MC that the marital issues are not merely her 'meeting her spouses' needs but rather 'you each meeting the other spouse's needs'. I saw working this issue as a large part of my work in MC as the WS. Marriage is a team effort and any issues/problems/failures are worked as a team, with responsibility by the team. Additionally, seek out a MC with a record of working and reconciling marriages with affairs, adjunct to any other issues relevant to your M that require special psychological consideration. Good luck.

Our working relationship was that of service provider/client. We have severed the working relationship and can maintain NC, if in fact we do close our relationship conclusively (which at this point is still in limbo while we make our decision). However, we do reside in the same community and cross paths often so more likely than not I will see her again around town.

January 8, 2014

I should clarify that we have been together 10 years total. 3.5 years of dating and 6.5 years of marriage, not 10 years dating as I originally eluded too. Not that it makes a huge difference.

January 8, 2014

Walk away with dignity? How do you walk away from a car crash that you caused, with dignity? Sad for the 4-year-old rascal and your wife. Stories like this leave me scratching my head.

January 8, 2014

This sounds more like a science experiment or clinical study than a series of honest human relationships. I'd stop with the little tests, waiting for conclusions, etc. and just let your BW go.

January 8, 2014

I am an OW. I will not say that you do not truly love your OW or give you some of the generalization lines that I see thrown here b/c they are NOT always true despite what some want to believe.

What I WILL say is that you need to let your wife go with a dignified and respectful divorce. Quite honestly, your wife doesn't owe you anything. As the wayward spouse, you owe it to HER to make things right if you want to make the marriage work. She should not be the one trying to make things good with you. You were the one that sought love and companionship outside of the marriage. You should be the one doing the work to get your marriage back on track (if that's what you both truly want, which truthfully it doesn't sound like you do want to me. It sounds more like you're giving it the good ole' college try so no one can accuse you of giving up easily or not doing everything you could to try to make it work.)

I also think it's a wise idea to continue NC with your OW until/unless she decides to leave her marriage. You do not want to be the reason that she leaves her marriage. That may end up being a bone of contention/resentment if you do end up together.

January 8, 2014

OP, another issue to reconcile is do you wish to be separated or work this out as an engaged couple? I noted you mentioning 'handling my separation with dignity'. Perhaps you can clarify that.

I'll give our psychologist's opinion on separation. He made the clear statement that people separate to get divorced and discouraged us from separating while we worked our issues. Now, each situation can be different but IMO, if the M is the priority, the spouses should remain immersed in the M to the exclusion of all other considerations. I'd task your MC to explore that area before making a firm decision.

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