How much did they REALLY know [about the affair]?

January 9, 2014

I don't think she knew a great deal. I asked H if he complained about me to her, he said that he didn't and that they didn't really talk about me at all (makes sense I suppose). However he talked about his life and what he was doing and obviously my name came up a great deal.

She came to our house once - she dropped something off that I had lent her and I asked her in for coffee. She kept asking me things about H, and the children, she couldn't get enough it seemed. I thought it odd at the time but didn't worry.

One of the thing he talked about with her was my birthday - what he was going to give me. It made her jealous apparently as her H didn't bother. I get the feeling she's had been very happy if he'd told her how lazy/fat/useless I was.

January 9, 2014

during the affair, how much did the other woman or other man know about you and your private life?
My husband's second ow knew i had had an affair and he told her our marriage was in trouble. News to me.

Were they living close to you? Neighbours? Friends? No but they live in the same town

were they further away?

Did you know them?
Never met them

did any of these factors influence the way the affair was conducted or influence the length of time it continued? Well it was sure easy to see them or communicate or get together with them every day as they live here

our other woman lived over 300 miles away, and as my husband was working a three month away/at home pattern at the time, his travel arrangements made his visits to her home relatively easy, (she lived close to the airport he uses for travel) and distance of course created the opportunity for a completely separate 'other life'.

I wondered how everyone else had been affected (or not) but some of the above elements and if proximity made a difference to their knowledge of you.

they knew about me but i didn't know about them. That's why its humiliating when i see them, even though i know i did nothing wrong.

January 9, 2014

When I discovered the whole truth of my wife and the OM, she had left her Facebook chat session open. In only a couple months, there were over 6,000 messages to each other, so obviously I couldn't read them all. Of the hundreds that I did read, there was a great deal of bitching and moaning about how terrible I was. How it was weird that I was acting "nice" to her. That my optimism annoyed her. That she wished I would have fell into a barrow, so that she could have left me there (seeing historical burial sites in Scandinavia at the time). That she called our daughter "my little girl, not our's." And that son of a bitch had the nerve to tell her "well, you're the only one t have ever done anything for her." As if he fecking knew a goddamned thing he was talking about.

So yeah, the OM "knew" all about me. At least the monster she made me out to be.

January 9, 2014

He did bring her to our house on at least one occasion, unbeknown to me,so she would have been able to view our lifestyle.

My WW denied the OM had ever been to our home, which I believe. But there are times when I'm in our bedroom, looking at all of the photos of us together, as a family. And I wonder: Would being in our house and seeing what we had built together have altered this distorted view he had of our marriage, to the point of him rethinking the A?

January 9, 2014

OW here. I'm in the infidelity forum because I have noticed a lot of BS coming over to the OW forum to give lectures.

As to what I know: everything.

Been to their house, had a tour. Know her birthplace, family of origin, have met her, know how much she weighs, know all the issues regarding the adult children, including the adult daughter's hemorroid problems and how much the son makes yearly. Know about their fights, their conversations, usually know her daily schedule (today she is giving flu shots until 7:30 p.m., tomorrow she has psyio for her hip at 1 p.m.)

All I have to do is ask and it is answered. I don't ask much, but everything is usually offered anyway.

January 9, 2014

...know how much she weighs, know all the issues regarding the adult children, including the adult daughter's hemorroid problems and how much the son makes yearly. Know about their fights, their conversations, usually know her daily schedule (today she is giving flu shots until 7:30 p.m., tomorrow she has psyio for her hip at 1 p.m.)

That's quite frankly a little bit creepy. What would the need be to know SO much about a person, particularly the W of the man you're having an A with?

January 9, 2014

That's quite frankly a little bit creepy. What would the need be to know SO much about a person, particularly the W of the man you're having an A with?

Lol, I don't think it's a little creepy... it's very creepy to know such personal things like weight, her family, daily schedule and so on. Especially considering who the information is going to... that information is certainly not in the hands of someone who cares about you or your interests.

I'm a really private person, so knowing that someone I trusted would ever divulge my personal information like that without my permission is something hard for me to think about.

January 9, 2014

Yeah, I don't need to know nor really want to know. He just brings it up in conversation. We talk a LOT about everything and sometimes she comes up. Its not like I'm obsessed with her. Like the weight thing - he told me she weighs 180 pounds, and goes to weight watchers, near my house.

Weirdly, I also know what day the cleaning lady comes (today), her name, what she looks like, and how much she charges ($70).

The daughter's problem - I know about that because he was telling me about the amazing treatment his doctor gave her. Rocket Blasters, they are apparently called. However, in telling me this, I did learn that his wife examined his daughter and determined the hemmeroids were inside. She is pregnant, so I had a lot of sympathy for that.

We're pretty close so there isn't much we don't talk about. Actually, there is nothing that we don't talk about, including his and my bowel movements, because we are both prone to bowel blockages. I had one this week. A blockage that is.

January 9, 2014

Actually, there is nothing that we don't talk about, including his and my bowel movements, because we are both prone to bowel blockages.

I guess that explains why he seems to be so full of s***.

January 9, 2014

How did she hack his account? I sometimes wonder if the OW did this to my husband too. i want him to change his email and he said he can but has a lot of work contacts in there so we'll be considering it. He shattered his phone when I accused him of texting her months after I found out and then we changed both our numbers because we believed we had been hacked and Verizon said it was very possible with allthe free text aps out there.

thankyou, RightThere. Of course, we all get fed bullsh*t in the dark, like mushrooms, but I have to say in our case, the other woman had hacked my husband's email account at the time of their affair, and was closely watching all correspondence between us while he was away at work, so she didn't really have to ask him anything much about me in all honesty.

All she had to do was log in and read our correspondence to see that we were in fact, in a healthy marriage.

It used to make my skin crawl to think of her watching me this way.

January 9, 2014

So...wow...you are so special. Knowing all about a woman who doesn't know about you and you think you are great. He's using you.If I knew who you were I'd rat on you in a heartbeat.

You deserve any heartbreak you receive.

You feel superior to her?

Good for you. But a real woman gets her own man and doesn't share him with someone else. Good luck with that.

OW here. I'm in the infidelity forum because I have noticed a lot of BS coming over to the OW forum to give lectures.

As to what I know: everything.

Been to their house, had a tour. Know her birthplace, family of origin, have met her, know how much she weighs, know all the issues regarding the adult children, including the adult daughter's hemorroid problems and how much the son makes yearly. Know about their fights, their conversations, usually know her daily schedule (today she is giving flu shots until 7:30 p.m., tomorrow she has psyio for her hip at 1 p.m.)

All I have to do is ask and it is answered. I don't ask much, but everything is usually offered anyway.

January 10, 2014

During the affair, how much did the other woman or other man know about you and your private life?

Were they living close to you? Neighbours? Friends?

Were they further away?

Did you know them?

Did any of these factors influence the way the affair was conducted or influence the length of time it continued?

Our other woman lived over 300 miles away, and as my husband was working a three month away/at home pattern at the time, his travel arrangements made his visits to her home relatively easy, (she lived close to the airport he uses for travel) and distance of course created the opportunity for a completely separate 'other life'.

I wondered how everyone else had been affected (or not) but some of the above elements and if proximity made a difference to their knowledge of you.

I can speak as a former OW.

One thing I think my exAP did right was to not give me a lot of information about her and that preserved my sanity as well as her privacy. I find that unlike some OW who knew the BS or at least knew a lot about her via their MM, I didn't have as much competition and angst about her and their life because I didn't know that much. Admittedly, it was also easier for me to be an OW because we lived in different places and it was so separate so she could be out of sight and out of mind in many ways. Had she lived down the street or was someone who ran in my circle or someone I would see and had people in common with I think I wouldn't have all been able to tolerate it.

Ours was long distance as well so we didn't run in the same circles and there wasn't an overlap with her life and mine in any major way. I had never seen her picture either until long after the A ended. I knew her first name, what she did as a job and how they had met. That was about it. Oh and once I called his house phone and she picked up so I heard her voice, but that was a one time surprising thing as they didn't live together so I had called a thousand times before and never worried about that. I didn't know all the stuff that other OW seemed to know like how she likes or doesn't like sex, what she does and doesn't do in bed, her spending habits, what color panties she wore last Wednesday and the list goes on. I'm always alarmed at the level of detail some OW know and thank God he didn't tell me these things and I'm sure if he tried to I would have asked him not to.

The A was a bad thing for him to do but I remember asking him about their relationship and his answer was "I love her and I love you too. It's not perfect, it has it's ups and downs like any relationship." I was FLOORED! I was expecting him to unload about how bad it was or he didn't love her or something...he never did. I didn't understand why he was with me then. I pressed further another time and I was very angry when he told me that he didn't believe in discussing their relationship with me and likewise he wouldn't discuss our relationship with other people because what went on with us was us and he respects that and what goes on with her and him is between them. I was VERY hurt and angry by this. He kept trying to tell me that he told me everything else that goes on in his life but that was the only thing off limits. In the end I respected it...I felt like it was more respectable in some ways than the blabbermouth MM who is going behind the BS's back and dishing about her fertility issues, one OW was secretly balancing the finances, and all kinds of other private things.

Cheating is bad enough, but one could argue you can do what you will with your body and time but to expose another person's private conversations, struggles, issues etc to someone they don't know and never signed off on you telling is really adding insult to injury and that was one thing he didn't do...so I have to give him that.

Edited January 10, 2014 by MissBee

January 10, 2014

OW here. I'm in the infidelity forum because I have noticed a lot of BS coming over to the OW forum to give lectures.

As to what I know: everything.

Been to their house, had a tour. Know her birthplace, family of origin, have met her, know how much she weighs, know all the issues regarding the adult children, including the adult daughter's hemorroid problems and how much the son makes yearly. Know about their fights, their conversations, usually know her daily schedule (today she is giving flu shots until 7:30 p.m., tomorrow she has psyio for her hip at 1 p.m.)

All I have to do is ask and it is answered. I don't ask much, but everything is usually offered anyway.

Saw this after my own post. But this is the kind of thing that is so bizarre to me.

I have never been attracted to men with no decorum and who just talk incessantly with seemingly no sense of discretion.

At least with my exAP I knew his discretion was just his personality and we did eventually get into an open R and that was one saving grace for him in that I felt confident that our issues were our issues and he wasn't going to be telling other people, even if he were cheating, about every last detail. It's sooo tacky to me. But that's just me. I simply don't find that type of Chatty Cathy persona attractive in anyone much less men.

And before it is suggested that well we weren't close. We were. We talked about everything but stuff about her and her private business was none of my business and he didn't feel the need to do that and I think it is wise.

January 10, 2014

Yeah, I don't need to know nor really want to know. He just brings it up in conversation. We talk a LOT about everything and sometimes she comes up. Its not like I'm obsessed with her. Like the weight thing - he told me she weighs 180 pounds, and goes to weight watchers, near my house.

Weirdly, I also know what day the cleaning lady comes (today), her name, what she looks like, and how much she charges ($70).

The daughter's problem - I know about that because he was telling me about the amazing treatment his doctor gave her. Rocket Blasters, they are apparently called. However, in telling me this, I did learn that his wife examined his daughter and determined the hemmeroids were inside. She is pregnant, so I had a lot of sympathy for that.

We're pretty close so there isn't much we don't talk about. Actually, there is nothing that we don't talk about, including his and my bowel movements, because we are both prone to bowel blockages. I had one this week. A blockage that is.

Ooooh just yuck solo....Has he NO boundaries? I mean, where are you and romancing you in these details?

Tread carefully here. I mean this sincerely. One affair type is affair in lieu of therapy where the AP becomes a surrogate to this stream of unfiltered consciousness best suited for a therapist.

put your foot down. Do you really need to hear of his wife's hip therapy or pregnant daughter's hemorrhoids?

I mean, where is the discretion?

And should you two end will his wife hear all about your menstrual cramps, blood flow and constipation due to intestinal blockage?

Just yuck Solo. Where is the romance in these topics?

January 10, 2014

She didn't know a damn thing about me. But it turns out that she didn't really know a damn thing about him either.

January 10, 2014

Well the question was how much did they really know. I was just answering the question honestly, not bragging. I apologize if I came across as being proud of it or boasting about it. It's not something that I see as a badge of honor or anything. I just answered the question that was posed in the thread. He tells me everything, like it or not, she is a part of his life and he confides in me about every part of his life. Its not like we talk about her a lot - we don't. We spend a lot of time together currently and we talk about everything under the sun - he tells me things about himself that are pretty private and intimate as well.

There is lots of romance in there as well. Far more romance than physiotherapy schedule.

January 10, 2014

Well the question was how much did they really know. I was just answering the question honestly, not bragging. I apologize if I came across as being proud of it or boasting about it. It's not something that I see as a badge of honor or anything. I just answered the question that was posed in the thread. He tells me everything, like it or not, she is a part of his life and he confides in me about every part of his life. Its not like we talk about her a lot - we don't. We spend a lot of time together currently and we talk about everything under the sun - he tells me things about himself that are pretty private and intimate as well.

There is lots of romance in there as well. Far more romance than physiotherapy schedule.

I didn't read it as boasting. Honestly, nothing about him is worth boasting about.

My reaction to your post was completely different. I feel sorry for you that he is as good as you think you can do.

January 10, 2014

Well the question was how much did they really know. I was just answering the question honestly, not bragging. I apologize if I came across as being proud of it or boasting about it. It's not something that I see as a badge of honor or anything. I just answered the question that was posed in the thread. He tells me everything, like it or not, she is a part of his life and he confides in me about every part of his life. Its not like we talk about her a lot - we don't. We spend a lot of time together currently and we talk about everything under the sun - he tells me things about himself that are pretty private and intimate as well.

There is lots of romance in there as well. Far more romance than physiotherapy schedule.

Ok, but, but.....he's not leaving her....you get this right? he is WAAAY to invested in her as proven by sharing all these intimate details about her.

when a man is done, he is indifferent to his spouse. Could NOT CARE if she lives or dies. She doesn't exist.

So if he shares too much, or if he shares and is angry at her, he is still emotionally invested in her. GET it?

tread carefully here. I'm serious.

January 10, 2014

tOh I get it Spark.

We are very close, and unlike some other people, I tend to like to know all of the intimate details of people I am intimate with on a long term basis. He knows everything about me as well. . .

He has told me more than once that he no longer loves her, and I believe him. He's not sure if he ever really did. He doesn't hate her, though. He doesn't dislike her. He also has said the only reason he doesn't leave her is he doesn't think he could bear the change in lifestyle, as in splitting assets.

I have a theory however that he wants to get caught so she will throw him out. Someone upthread said they would rat on us - someone already did. I expect someone to rat on us again very soon since he has been just as reckless - taking me out in public, parking in front of my building, walking into my house, phoning all the time, he even takes me to appointments and banking et cetera.

Two days ago his wife's best friend's husband saw us together yet again. I said "uh oh". He said "I don't give a f***" and proceeded to pull up two chairs so we could sit side by side right behind him, then drew attention to the situation by talking to him. Later, the man asked ME about MM's medical condition. It was this man's wife who ratted us out the first time.

Anyway I realize what I am doing is wrong and so does he. We can't seem to control our feelings.

January 10, 2014

I am both a FOW and BS so I will try to answer from both perspectives

During the affair, how much did the other woman or other man know about you and your private life?

with my xmom - our families were friends so I knew quite a lot about them - very deeply entrenched and interconnected - I would said he was pretty open with things during out relationship but he never spoke badly of her - although now I look back and realize he never had respect for her at all - he felt her inferior to him (and still does). But he was quite open with information about them - finances and all.

My husbands xmow - she was an employee - I knew her but not well - I have asked on several occasions (because of some financial issues we had shortly after dday) what he told her about things business wise and he maintains he told her nothing. However I do not believe that. One thing I can tell you (being on both sides of the equation - things are discussed that should NOT be discusses between APs.

Were they living close to you? Neighbours? Friends?

my xmom and his wife live about 20 minutes from us, we are all from the same hometown and went to the same high school - yes we were all friends.

My husbands xmow lives 10 minutes away - she worked for my husband - i wouldn't say we were friends - acquaintances

Were they further away? i don't understand this - further away from what?

Did you know them? yes - explained above.

Did any of these factors influence the way the affair was conducted or influence the length of time it continued?

I suppose so - my job was more flexible and so was xmom's so it was easier to create time during the day and also travel to different cities to meet. Also the fact we were friends created the illusion that we were JUST friends because we were "Christian", worked on church things together, etc.

For my husband they worked in the same environment daily. Although it might have been harder to find the time (he works 10 hour days) they still found it and used the office. In a way I felt sorry for her. Although he had feelings for her, she was definitely use. As far as I know, he did not romance her outside of the office building. My xmom definitely did that

Our other woman lived over 300 miles away, and as my husband was working a three month away/at home pattern at the time, his travel arrangements made his visits to her home relatively easy, (she lived close to the airport he uses for travel) and distance of course created the opportunity for a completely separate 'other life'.

I wondered how everyone else had been affected (or not) but some of the above elements and if proximity made a difference to their knowledge of you.

January 10, 2014

tOh I get it Spark.

We are very close, and unlike some other people, I tend to like to know all of the intimate details of people I am intimate with on a long term basis. He knows everything about me as well. . .

He has told me more than once that he no longer loves her, and I believe him. He's not sure if he ever really did. He doesn't hate her, though. He doesn't dislike her. He also has said the only reason he doesn't leave her is he doesn't think he could bear the change in lifestyle, as in splitting assets.

I have a theory however that he wants to get caught so she will throw him out. Someone upthread said they would rat on us - someone already did. I expect someone to rat on us again very soon since he has been just as reckless - taking me out in public, parking in front of my building, walking into my house, phoning all the time, he even takes me to appointments and banking et cetera.

Two days ago his wife's best friend's husband saw us together yet again. I said "uh oh". He said "I don't give a f***" and proceeded to pull up two chairs so we could sit side by side right behind him, then drew attention to the situation by talking to him. Later, the man asked ME about MM's medical condition. It was this man's wife who ratted us out the first time.

Anyway I realize what I am doing is wrong and so does he. We can't seem to control our feelings.

So..this means the intimate details of his wife?

And those other comments are coming from the man who has made comments about killing his wife..... ummm....

January 10, 2014

Well the question was how much did they really know. I was just answering the question honestly, not bragging. I apologize if I came across as being proud of it or boasting about it. It's not something that I see as a badge of honor or anything. I just answered the question that was posed in the thread. He tells me everything, like it or not, she is a part of his life and he confides in me about every part of his life. Its not like we talk about her a lot - we don't. We spend a lot of time together currently and we talk about everything under the sun - he tells me things about himself that are pretty private and intimate as well.

There is lots of romance in there as well. Far more romance than physiotherapy schedule.

Romance? BUT you are not important enough to him for him to change his entire life and make you the legitimate center of it? How LOW is your self esteem? Seriously. Some could say mine is too for staying with my husband, but actually, mine is high enough to know we all make mistakes and we all need to be given a chance to redeem ourselves. You included. I am angry at you because of my position and I'm taking it out on you, I know, but how dare you know all that you do when she doesn't know you. How dare you take something that is not yours. Act like it is your right to do that? It is not your right. He pledged his life to his wife. He is a piece of s.hit and you think he's dreamy? What the hell does this say about you?

January 10, 2014

Ok, but, but.....he's not leaving her....you get this right? he is WAAAY to invested in her as proven by sharing all these intimate details about her.

when a man is done, he is indifferent to his spouse. Could NOT CARE if she lives or dies. She doesn't exist.

So if he shares too much, or if he shares and is angry at her, he is still emotionally invested in her. GET it?

tread carefully here. I'm serious.

This is an interesting take on the massive betrayal of privacy that a MP sometimes indulges in. It hurt me very badly that my H talked about me with another woman. Here this was someone who had a vested interest in seeing my marriage end and she knew all this stuff-courtesy of my H. That will always hurt me and I admit that it still bothers me when I read posts from AP here where all they do is talk about their MPs spouse and marriage.

But, you gave me another perspective to consider here, Spark, so thank you. Where did you learn this? It is definitely something to ponder and discuss with my H maybe.

January 10, 2014

For me, I did not know him but met him once. I knew of him though. He worked with my wife and lived less than a mile away.

January 10, 2014

This is an interesting take on the massive betrayal of privacy that a MP sometimes indulges in. It hurt me very badly that my H talked about me with another woman. Here this was someone who had a vested interest in seeing my marriage end and she knew all this stuff-courtesy of my H. That will always hurt me and I admit that it still bothers me when I read posts from AP here where all they do is talk about their MPs spouse and marriage.

But, you gave me another perspective to consider here, Spark, so thank you. Where did you learn this? It is definitely something to ponder and discuss with my H maybe.

Psych study predictive of imminent divorce or break up due to lack of love based on gender behavior.

Women grow so angry they drip with contempt whenever they speak of their partner who, whether the woman realizes it or not, is on his way to becoming an xpartner very soon.

Men tend to extreme indifference....no emotional investment whatsoever. Literally could not care less whether he realizes it.

So a MM who talks, complains, whines and is angry, punitive or critical of his wife.....IS STILL very emotionally invested in his spouse, whether HE and his OW realize it or not.

Like Solo's MM...

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How much did they REALLY know [about the affair]?

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