How much did they REALLY know [about the affair]?

[experiencethedevine]

During the affair, how much did the other woman or other man know about you and your private life?

 

 

Were they living close to you? Neighbours? Friends?

 

 

Were they further away?

 

 

Did you know them?

 

 

Did any of these factors influence the way the affair was conducted or influence the length of time it continued?

 

 

Our other woman lived over 300 miles away, and as my husband was working a three month away/at home pattern at the time, his travel arrangements made his visits to her home relatively easy, (she lived close to the airport he uses for travel) and distance of course created the opportunity for a completely separate 'other life'.

 

 

I wondered how everyone else had been affected (or not) but some of the above elements and if proximity made a difference to their knowledge of you.

[RightThere]

In my case, the guys that were not just one night stands to my STBXW were all in close proximity.

 

They knew some things about my personal life, but not any of the truth. They were fed just as many lies as I was (I've spoken to a couple of them post D-Day). They were as much in the fog as my STBXW because they would get the song and dance about how my STBXW was totally ignored, never received attention, was treated poorly. So they felt like white knights riding in to save this poor princess.

 

Once D-Day happened and some of them found out about each other, a few woke up to what was really going on. But the one my STBXW is still with only gets the crocked up version of events still.

 

To answer your question, I think often the OM/OW gets fed as many lies at the BS during the affair because the fog is contagious. So in reality, they know very little. Just the illusion the WS allows them to see and know.

[experiencethedevine]

thankyou, RightThere. Of course, we all get fed bullsh*t in the dark, like mushrooms, but I have to say in our case, the other woman had hacked my husband's email account at the time of their affair, and was closely watching all correspondence between us while he was away at work, so she didn't really have to ask him anything much about me in all honesty.

 

 

All she had to do was log in and read our correspondence to see that we were in fact, in a healthy marriage.

 

 

It used to make my skin crawl to think of her watching me this way.

[Sub]

The OM lived close to my WS's friend about an hour away, which made it the cover she needed for going to see him when she did. I got a lot of lying by omission. She DID go see her friend. The part about seeing the OM was left out, as she would spend the night sometimes. The benefit to that now is that "going to see (friend's name)" could never be used as a cover, if WS were ever to consider reconnecting with OM.

 

I knew OM as my WS's friend, and met him once. I'm sure he knew enough about my private life. He served as a "confidante" for my wife to vent about what she saw as problems in our marriage. It was the prefect storm, as he had been harboring feelings for her for years, to the point where he considered trying to get her to leave me right before we got married. I'm positive that he knows very little about me in the grand scheme of things, though.

[frogss29]

The OW used to be my best friend until she and my H were discovered by my 12 year old daughter and her 8 year old daughter kissing.

Friends told me I was over reacting by being so distressed.

H told me he was drunk/sorry/it was a stupid mistake.

For five years I tried to 'get over it' but , finally, decided to cease contact with her.

But she was still had mutual friends so we would see her a couple of times a year.

She lives about a ten minute walk from our home.

For the next ten years she would keep contacting me/trying to rekindle our friendship.

She copied my furniture. My clothes. Even our cutlery.

She sent her kids to the same schools ours went to.

She moved in on all my friends. Even our neighbours.

What was weird about the affair is that they saw each other spasmodically. Every few months. Or even longer.

I sometimes think the reason she pursued my H was because she was obsessed with ME!!!!!

[experiencethedevine]

The OW used to be my best friend until she and my H were discovered by my 12 year old daughter and her 8 year old daughter kissing.

Friends told me I was over reacting by being so distressed.

H told me he was drunk/sorry/it was a stupid mistake.

For five years I tried to 'get over it' but , finally, decided to cease contact with her.

But she was still had mutual friends so we would see her a couple of times a year.

She lives about a ten minute walk from our home.

For the next ten years she would keep contacting me/trying to rekindle our friendship.

She copied my furniture. My clothes. Even our cutlery.

She sent her kids to the same schools ours went to.

She moved in on all my friends. Even our neighbours.

What was weird about the affair is that they saw each other spasmodically. Every few months. Or even longer.

I sometimes think the reason she pursued my H was because she was obsessed with ME!!!!!

 

 

 

 

that is a distinct possibility, wanting what you have out of a need to 'be' you (envy).

[experiencethedevine]

The OW used to be my best friend until she and my H were discovered by my 12 year old daughter and her 8 year old daughter kissing.

Friends told me I was over reacting by being so distressed.

H told me he was drunk/sorry/it was a stupid mistake.

For five years I tried to 'get over it' but , finally, decided to cease contact with her.

But she was still had mutual friends so we would see her a couple of times a year.

She lives about a ten minute walk from our home.

For the next ten years she would keep contacting me/trying to rekindle our friendship.

She copied my furniture. My clothes. Even our cutlery.

She sent her kids to the same schools ours went to.

She moved in on all my friends. Even our neighbours.

What was weird about the affair is that they saw each other spasmodically. Every few months. Or even longer.

I sometimes think the reason she pursued my H was because she was obsessed with ME!!!!!

 

 

 

 

It is possible that she saw you as a woman to be emulated through her own insecurities and envy.

[RightThere]

the other woman had hacked my husband's email account at the time of their affair, and was closely watching all correspondence between us while he was away at work, so she didn't really have to ask him anything much about me in all honesty.

 

I can say that none of the OM had that kind of access with me. I'm pretty tech savvy so I knew what to watch for. One of the OM was even a cop but all of them are really uneducated when it comes to the tech stuff. I can say once I got past D-Day, I was miles ahead of all of them, watching what they did, including my STBXW.

 

I think that's part of living in the fog for the WS and OM/OW. They'll only hear and see what they want, which will only come from one source.

[experiencethedevine]

The OW used to be my best friend until she and my H were discovered by my 12 year old daughter and her 8 year old daughter kissing.

Friends told me I was over reacting by being so distressed.

H told me he was drunk/sorry/it was a stupid mistake.

For five years I tried to 'get over it' but , finally, decided to cease contact with her.

But she was still had mutual friends so we would see her a couple of times a year.

She lives about a ten minute walk from our home.

For the next ten years she would keep contacting me/trying to rekindle our friendship.

She copied my furniture. My clothes. Even our cutlery.

She sent her kids to the same schools ours went to.

She moved in on all my friends. Even our neighbours.

What was weird about the affair is that they saw each other spasmodically. Every few months. Or even longer.

I sometimes think the reason she pursued my H was because she was obsessed with ME!!!!!

 

 

 

 

It is a little creepy isn't it?

 

 

The other woman used to 'spy' on my husband through his email, and so spy on our correspondence when he was at work.

 

 

It's all a bit cringeworthy!.........

[experiencethedevine]

I can say that none of the OM had that kind of access with me. I'm pretty tech savvy so I knew what to watch for. One of the OM was even a cop but all of them are really uneducated when it comes to the tech stuff. I can say once I got past D-Day, I was miles ahead of all of them, watching what they did, including my STBXW.

 

I think that's part of living in the fog for the WS and OM/OW. They'll only hear and see what they want, which will only come from one source.

 

 

I'm afraid I was ( and likely still am) terribly ignorant of technology, and my computer was/is still essentially a research tool and a means of contact.

 

 

The other woman's knowledge was more advanced than my own. I had no idea of exactly what she knew about me until dday when I discovered the depraved depths she had gone to in order to discover who I was.

 

 

She had also hacked into my email account, as well as searched my professional credentials, found out where we lived, gleened information about my contacts and many other hair raising things. I am not high profile on the internet at all in reality, but her access to some sensitive information was surreptitiously performed and I have no idea how she managed it. Just blew me away.

[RightThere]

I'm afraid I was ( and likely still am) terribly ignorant of technology, and my computer was/is still essentially a research tool and a means of contact.

 

Sometimes I feel a bit guilty to what I am still doing to my STBXW. I've got all her email/Facebook passwords. Almost total online access to her iPhone. I check it only because going through separation, information is power right now.

 

I think once we are separated and in a regular routine, I won't be all in her business. But I told my STBXW many times during our relationship when talking about other people I had cut out of my life. I have a circle of trust and friends. If you are in it, then you're good. But if I have to remove you from it, I will have no remorse about how I treat you or what I need to do to protect those that are still in my circle.

 

If I were you, I'd change all my passwords. I think my STBXW suspects I have some of her passwords, but does nothing to change them.

[experiencethedevine]

Sometimes I feel a bit guilty to what I am still doing to my STBXW. I've got all her email/Facebook passwords. Almost total online access to her iPhone. I check it only because going through separation, information is power right now.

 

I think once we are separated and in a regular routine, I won't be all in her business. But I told my STBXW many times during our relationship when talking about other people I had cut out of my life. I have a circle of trust and friends. If you are in it, then you're good. But if I have to remove you from it, I will have no remorse about how I treat you or what I need to do to protect those that are still in my circle.

 

If I were you, I'd change all my passwords. I think my STBXW suspects I have some of her passwords, but does nothing to change them.

 

 

Oh bless you, but this was many moons ago......

 

 

Actually, do you think she could still do that??? Scary thought.......

 

 

Though we still get the odd poke from the other. (I don't know who addresses them as such here, but someone does and I rather like it)!

 

 

As far as I am aware she is unable to gain access to anything now. We have legal avenues to travel if necessary (and it has been.....intermittently still, some 16 years later).

[yellowmaverick]

The OW used to be my best friend until she and my H were discovered by my 12 year old daughter and her 8 year old daughter kissing.

Friends told me I was over reacting by being so distressed.

H told me he was drunk/sorry/it was a stupid mistake.

For five years I tried to 'get over it' but , finally, decided to cease contact with her.

But she was still had mutual friends so we would see her a couple of times a year.

She lives about a ten minute walk from our home.

For the next ten years she would keep contacting me/trying to rekindle our friendship.

She copied my furniture. My clothes. Even our cutlery.

She sent her kids to the same schools ours went to.

She moved in on all my friends. Even our neighbours.

What was weird about the affair is that they saw each other spasmodically. Every few months. Or even longer.

I sometimes think the reason she pursued my H was because she was obsessed with ME!!!!!

 

Yeah! Maybe screwing your H was just the next best option?

 

Now you've got me wondering if that's why my H's mistress stalked me for two years. God knows that I'm a much better lay than he is!!!

[compulsivedancer]

OM knew everything. He probably knew things I didn't know he knew. I treated him like a boyfriend and told him things I never should have.

 

He was H's best friend, so they had talked for years about me. H and OM are both interested in psychology. H told me that he discussed me on that level sometimes with OM. It makes my skin crawl a bit, because it means that OM had insights into ways he could manipulate me. I don't know whether he ever used the information that way, or had the savviness to use it.

 

OM was also my computer tech. At one point he backed up my computer on his hard drive while he installed a new operating system on my computer. For all I know, he may have a full copy of all of my files.

 

After DDay, when H wanted to hurt OM, I kept thinking that if he started a war with OM, there were so many ways that OM might be able to hurt us, possibly ways that had never occurred to me. I don't think OM would normally do those types of things, but who knows what he would do if he was cornered. I certainly didn't want to test it.

[Spark1111]

Oh just yuck to all of it!

 

She was a co-worker at his new, high-powered position, the one we had been praying for.....

 

she was also newly divorced and a single mom of a difficult child. A damsel in distress with lots and lots of complaints of her xH who went on to marry his last AP in a true exit affair! Ouch! She was obsessed in anger and bitterness at how poorly he treated her and their child.

 

Not much of it was actually true we would find out later....but he felt sorry for her and wanted to help her....a real Knight in Shining Armor.

 

His job with it's late dinner business meetings and travel to far away sites became the perfect cover. I so loved and supported him, I bought it....hook, line and sinker as he tried to succeed after years of joblessness.

 

He NEVER said a bad word about me....I read the emails...but he didn't say an outright good word with, KWIM?

 

He allowed her to believe he was neglected, unattended to, lonely, unappreciated....and never corrected it when she ASSUMED as much. Hey! Whatever it takes to keep that ego validation, adoration and feel great hormones a-flowing....

 

What boggles my mind is how much she competed with me.....wanted my man, my life, my relationship with my children, my standing in the community, the respect and friendship I have with so many....and thought if she won my man, she'd have it all too.

 

respect is EARNED....not won through an illicit relationship with a MM.

 

he wasn't her first MM we would discover later....and she STILL has 12 friends on FB last time I looked years ago.

 

sad really.....

[Fluttershy]

My WH and his MOW were so wrapped up in each other I was basically nonexistent in their lives. She was sorta a friend of mine as she was married to a friend of mine. So she knew me fairly well but we weren't bffs. I found her a bit of a narc so I was never interested in us being close though H encouraged it now and again (WTF?).

 

He did mention one fight we had but he actually owned he was at fault and she encouraged him to apologize. Honestly, I don't know what is worse. Your spouse making up and bad mouthing you or them acting like they were "helping our marriage"

 

Now, not all conversations were uncoverable but from what I read and he told me. They were completely compartmentalizing their affair and only the two of them existed. For the most part it was "H is working out of town today you should come by" and "Fluttershy is having a girls night out"

[Spark1111]

My WH and his MOW were so wrapped up in each other I was basically nonexistent in their lives. She was sorta a friend of mine as she was married to a friend of mine. So she knew me fairly well but we weren't bffs. I found her a bit of a narc so I was never interested in us being close though H encouraged it now and again (WTF?).

 

He did mention one fight we had but he actually owned he was at fault and she encouraged him to apologize. Honestly, I don't know what is worse. Your spouse making up and bad mouthing you or them acting like they were "helping our marriage"

 

Now, not all conversations were uncoverable but from what I read and he told me. They were completely compartmentalizing their affair and only the two of them existed. For the most part it was "H is working out of town today you should come by" and "Fluttershy is having a girls night out"

 

The fOW n my sitch did the same thing....imparted much kind advice to help him improve our marriage based on his veiled but directly unspoken complaints about it....

 

I call it shadow boxing the fantasy...as in, how can I endear this man to me while not appearing a direct threat: Why, I will give him tips to improve his relationship, be his closest confidant while appearing to be not a direct threat.

 

Let's lower his guard a bit more and maybe he will see me for the wonderful woman I am...I will have no ego, no demands, no threat....

 

Very, very insidious. Affairs are so risk-free in terms of expectations....So I will expect NOTHING....just give, give, give until he realizes how wonderful I am and commits to me...

 

which is garbage. men rarely commit to women who do not respect themselves to DEMAND from them.

 

I have many older brothers.....trust me on this.

 

they love to caboodle with women who stroke their ego but demand little from them.

 

They jump through hoops for strong, demanding women they RESPECT.

 

ALWAYS judge a man by his ACTIONS.

[Fluttershy]

Spark,

I never thought of that. Because she was married, "happily" as well I thought of it like them trying to "prove" that the A was helping their M not hindering it. KWIM? But as conversations of love near the end came up And "feelings" were mentioned what you said could very well have been true too.

[dichotomy]

During the affair, how much did the other woman or other man know about you and your private life?

 

This has bothered me - I know she talked to him about me. I know he asked about my sexual performance. I have no ideas (nor will I) how much personal and private information was shared about me. I do know that despite my clear direction not to - WW shared a very personal detail about me to two GF's.

 

 

Were they living close to you? Neighbors? Friends?

OM lived in her home town, far, far away. She was his mistress for 3 years, and then tranistion to "just an EA" once I was in the picture by her choice, not his. He kept trying.

 

Were they further away?

 

See above.

Did you know them?

She took me to her home town and we hung out with him and other past lovers - which were described to me as "friends". I foolishly welcomed meeting them.

 

Did any of these factors influence the way the affair was conducted or influence the length of time it continued?

Certainly once she had moved here to my area, OM being far away, limited her access to him to holidays and summers for sex. Once I was in the picture and we were dating, she maybe had a week back there without me, I was mostly with her when she went. They (she) transitioned to emotional Affiar, with long calls and emails every few weeks or month or so. He kept at her to get back to sex, long into our marriage.

 

I wondered how everyone else had been affected (or not) but some of the above elements and if proximity made a difference to their knowledge of you.

 

Since they communicated in various electronic ways - OM's knowledge of me was what ever she told him (who knows what). The distance only help prevent them from continuing sexual part of affair (thank GOD - I am not sure she would have stopped if he was local until much later in our relationship). Emotional and sharing continued.

 

\

 

10 Characters

[compulsivedancer]

Spark,

I never thought of that. Because she was married, "happily" as well I thought of it like them trying to "prove" that the A was helping their M not hindering it. KWIM? But as conversations of love near the end came up And "feelings" were mentioned what you said could very well have been true too.

 

I think this was more the case for me and OM, even with feelings beginning to get involved at the end. Yes, I felt a little competitive toward his BS, but primarily I was more concerned with the la-la land idea that we could have this affair and be adult about it.

[Spark1111]

Spark,

I never thought of that. Because she was married, "happily" as well I thought of it like them trying to "prove" that the A was helping their M not hindering it. KWIM? But as conversations of love near the end came up And "feelings" were mentioned what you said could very well have been true too.

 

All reasons and excuses and justifications to keep those feel good feelings a flowing to the extent we can continue feeling good about our very destructive actions.....

 

we are NOT bad people, right? We are just swept away in it...sigh...

 

Fantasy smoke and mirrors and bs.....without consequence....until an angry dramatic DDay.

 

Then they run and hide under the shadows of rocks....unless confronted when they grow outraged and indignant we could possibly question their motives and their actions.

 

They never meant to hurt us... It JUST happened...They wanted him and us to be happy, happier...

 

how noble are the lies they tell themselves so they do not have to examine their ACTIONS.

 

Right out of a self-woven Harlequin romance novel. Delusional, truly.

[dreamingoftigers]

The fOW n my sitch did the same thing....imparted much kind advice to help him improve our marriage based on his veiled but directly unspoken complaints about it....

 

I call it shadow boxing the fantasy...as in, how can I endear this man to me while not appearing a direct threat: Why, I will give him tips to improve his relationship, be his closest confidant while appearing to be not a direct threat.

 

Let's lower his guard a bit more and maybe he will see me for the wonderful woman I am...I will have no ego, no demands, no threat....

 

Very, very insidious. Affairs are so risk-free in terms of expectations....So I will expect NOTHING....just give, give, give until he realizes how wonderful I am and commits to me...

 

which is garbage. men rarely commit to women who do not respect themselves to DEMAND from them.

 

I have many older brothers.....trust me on this.

 

they love to caboodle with women who stroke their ego but demand little from them.

 

They jump through hoops for strong, demanding women they RESPECT.

 

ALWAYS judge a man by his ACTIONS.

 

My fathers mistress gave ways to hide the affair and "deal with" my mother.

 

But at the end of it told him "i really thought you would choose me."

[whatatangledweb]

During the affair, how much did the other woman or other man know about you and your private life?

 

 

Were they living close to you? Neighbours? Friends?

 

 

Were they further away?

 

 

Did you know them?

 

 

Did any of these factors influence the way the affair was conducted or influence the length of time it continued?

 

 

Our other woman lived over 300 miles away, and as my husband was working a three month away/at home pattern at the time, his travel arrangements made his visits to her home relatively easy, (she lived close to the airport he uses for travel) and distance of course created the opportunity for a completely separate 'other life'.

 

 

I wondered how everyone else had been affected (or not) but some of the above elements and if proximity made a difference to their knowledge of you.

 

No, she lived several states away.

 

My husband did discuss me but did not talk about private things. This was after her asking again and again. Also after stalking me online. I was pissed that he discussed me at all. I told him "you had no right to talk about me , I was not part of your affair. You didn't discuss her with me so you should have refused to discuss me to your dirty little secret". That was the nicest way I put it. I also say it much more rude in other conversations.

 

No, I didn't know her. She was a coworker of his. He was able to keep at it so long because he conducted it while traveling for work.

 

It was a very good thing that she did not live near us. It would not have been healthy for her.

[Arieswoman]

I really don't know how to answer this question.

 

My husband told so many lies and half-truths and contradicted himself so many times I was never able to get any sense out of him. However, I believe that he told OW how awful it was living with me.

 

OW never contacted me and I never met her. He told me that he had "met her in a pub after work", but later admitted she worked for him.

 

After we were divorced I did see them once in a car together. I recognised the car as one that had been driving past our house repeatedly during the time that the A was in progress. So it would appear that she had been stalking him.

 

He did bring her to our house on at least one occasion, unbeknown to me,so she would have been able to view our lifestyle.

[Snowflower]

During the affair, how much did the other woman or other man know about you and your private life?

 

 

Were they living close to you? Neighbours? Friends? No, she lived a few hours away from my H. Thank goodness. I'm glad I didn't have to see her face.

 

Were they further away? Yep!

 

 

Did you know them? No, only met OW once, before the affair had started. I didn't like her from the outset.

 

 

Did any of these factors influence the way the affair was conducted or influence the length of time it continued? My H once said that the distance made it easier for him to control the situation.

 

 

Our other woman lived over 300 miles away, and as my husband was working a three month away/at home pattern at the time, his travel arrangements made his visits to her home relatively easy, (she lived close to the airport he uses for travel) and distance of course created the opportunity for a completely separate 'other life'.

 

 

I wondered how everyone else had been affected (or not) but some of the above elements and if proximity made a difference to their knowledge of you.

 

Answers in bold.

 

The biggest betrayal was what he shared with her about me, our marriage, our family, our history together. It was none of her flippin' business.

 

It irks me when I read posts from AP here where all they talk about is their MPs marriage. It sure tells you what their affair conversations are about.