Update - Ex contacts me again

[sw2020]

Unresolved anger creates a bond between people that is very strong. Sounds like you're well over her in all other senses.

 

By her actions of not taking responsibility for what she did, you are not going to get resolution from her, so you have to do it alone.

 

Blocking and NC are not the answer, simply tools to help you get the answers quickest. Your call which tools you use.

[lauri]

Unresolved anger creates a bond between people that is very strong. Sounds like you're well over her in all other senses.

 

By her actions of not taking responsibility for what she did, you are not going to get resolution from her, so you have to do it alone.

 

Blocking and NC are not the answer, simply tools to help you get the answers quickest. Your call which tools you use.

 

Interesting points. So because of the anger between us it has created a very strong bond?

 

I know that her and I are both hurting in our own way because of this break up, probably more her then me right now, but one day I feel she will admit to what she did...but I don't think I need her to anymore. I know she knows, and I know that she isn't going to admit it because of her pride and ego for a very long time.

 

I just can't believe I dated someone who could do this to me...

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Your objective is to be at peace with this situation, yes?

 

Forgive her (even if she hasn't sincerely apologized) and move on. You are forgiving her for you not her. She may or may not own up to the hurt she caused you but, here's the important part, you don't need it.

 

You hold the power right now. You do not need anything from her to close this chapter in your life and to move on. Block her only bc she doesn't respect you enough to stop contacting you even when you've asked.

 

Continue to look forward and progress towards a better you!

[Shadowburn]

I'm not up for the sentiments today...just block her.

Don't waste your energy trying to figure her out. She is no longer your concern.

[lauri]

Your objective is to be at peace with this situation, yes?

 

Forgive her (even if she hasn't sincerely apologized) and move on. You are forgiving her for you not her. She may or may not own up to the hurt she caused you but, here's the important part, you don't need it.

 

You hold the power right now. You do not need anything from her to close this chapter in your life and to move on. Block her only bc she doesn't respect you enough to stop contacting you even when you've asked.

 

Continue to look forward and progress towards a better you!

 

Honestly, I wish I could forgive her but not after everything that happened. Such as her lying about being sexually harassed after she dunped me 24 hours after arriving home. I left her alone in a park when she was 150 metres away from her car...she later told her parents to turn them against me (bc they were furious she broke up with me).

 

All I know is I don't want to hate her and I don't think I do...I just feel the damage is far too great to repair. I'm not wanting to ever get back to her but I'm just struggling to get over all the things that happened. What is hard is I feel I didn't deserve it at all...her leaving me I understand but how it happened...wow. My message reminding her ultimately reminded me.

 

Ive done NC, dated other girls and posted on here to clear my mind. Maybe because I had expectations for her to one day admit she was wrong about how she did things to me rather then trying to justify herself. The book is closed for me but I'm still kind of on a down today.

 

Are these feelings silly at this point in the healing process?

[BC1980]

These feelings are very normal, but there is nothing to be gained by ruminating on them. She has no relavance to your life, so I don't think forgiveness matters. I'm not quite sure I could forgive my ex and certainly not in the foreseeable future. I don't think it matters because I have nothing to do with him anymore. I've become much more concerned with myself and my new life.

 

My ex really wanted forgiveness too, and the ones that do have usually done something pretty bad to chase the dumpee down. No one wants to he seen as the bad guy. That's human nature, but it has an awful lot more to do with that person's perception of themselves than making amends with the person they wronged. It's not altruistic in the least, and it's certainly not about the dumpee.

[sw2020]

Interesting points. So because of the anger between us it has created a very strong bond?

 

I know that her and I are both hurting in our own way because of this break up, probably more her then me right now, but one day I feel she will admit to what she did...but I don't think I need her to anymore. I know she knows, and I know that she isn't going to admit it because of her pride and ego for a very long time.

 

I just can't believe I dated someone who could do this to me...

 

 

Unresolved anger does, yeah. She's probably not angry with you, so the bond is on your side. You will want it resolved. Eventually you will forgive her and yourself for what happened. I can't imagine her actions were to purposefully hurt you and cause you pain. Immaturity and naivety more likely.

 

GOOD LUCK?  BAD LUCK?  WHO KNOWS? There once was...

[movingonnow1]

These feelings are very normal, but there is nothing to be gained by ruminating on them. She has no relavance to your life, so I don't think forgiveness matters. I'm not quite sure I could forgive my ex and certainly not in the foreseeable future. I don't think it matters because I have nothing to do with him anymore. I've become much more concerned with myself and my new life.

 

My ex really wanted forgiveness too, and the ones that do have usually done something pretty bad to chase the dumpee down. No one wants to he seen as the bad guy. That's human nature, but it has an awful lot more to do with that person's perception of themselves than making amends with the person they wronged. It's not altruistic in the least, and it's certainly not about the dumpee.

 

I agree...I think you are being a bit too hard on yourself OP. You clearly did not deserve this and she clearly did not deserve you.

 

Forgiving her is not necessary to YOUR healing process in the end..considering she is NOT really sorry in my eyes. If you really feel it will help you, forgive her to yourself. She does not deserve to hear it coming from your mouth unless she truly comes clean to you and shows you she really means what she is saying.

 

She should know to do this to someone is not acceptable and you are being a man by standing your ground and demanding respect. You are doing the right thing...keep moving forward and don't look back.

[hurts2death]

thank god you still alive son. after what she did to you and played that much with you she deserves a restrain order.

Interesting points. So because of the anger between us it has created a very strong bond?

 

I know that her and I are both hurting in our own way because of this break up, probably more her then me right now, but one day I feel she will admit to what she did...but I don't think I need her to anymore. I know she knows, and I know that she isn't going to admit it because of her pride and ego for a very long time.

 

I just can't believe I dated someone who could do this to me...

[movingonnow1]

thank god you still alive son. after what she did to you and played that much with you she deserves a restrain order.

 

No kidding! You dodged a bullet going straight for your heart by not getting married or even worse having children with her. She would take you to hell and back!!! From when you first posted your story to now it is good to see how far you have come but just make sure you maintain NC and do not let her get to you. I hope you have blocked and deleted so you will be able to avoid anymore headaches and drama .

 

Keep me posted on how you are doing.

[lauri]

As an update I have been doing great. She is blocked, has no way of contacting me and I've been doing as many things to improve myself. I think about her here and there, but surprisingly I have felt at peace since my last message to her. I think I’m 90% there from being fully moved on.

 

Last night, just before I was going to bed, I looked out my bedroom window and noticed her car sitting on my street. She got out of her car and started to approach my door, and then she froze and ran back into her car and drove off.

 

Good news is I felt nothing when I saw her, but bad news is that I am curious of what exactly she had to say to me. I think she is at the point of cracking and coming to see me face to face. How should I handle it when / if she comes to my door?

[David87]

You say: excuse me do I know you? You should act aloof, don't show any emotions and you will be fine.

[Never Again]

Either:

 

- Don't answer

 

Or

 

- Hear her out, but keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. Don't play games or act "too cool for school", but keep yourself in check. If she comes to see you, she needs to do all the talking.

[movingonnow1]

If I was you, I would not open the door. This girl is crazy man...everything she did was so selfish. I don't understand why she cannot leave you alone...

 

Re-read everything that happened / the conversations you had with her (that you posted on here). Does that seem like someone you even want to hear out? Seriously...she won't tell you any thing you want to hear. She just wants forgiveness because she feels guilty..nothing more.

[lauri]

You say: excuse me do I know you? You should act aloof, don't show any emotions and you will be fine.

 

I'm going to just ignore her if she shows up at my house to be honest. I won't answer as she doesn't even deserve my attention or time. With that said, if she does catch me off guard and I happen to run into her / open the door and she is there, I think I'm going to act like I hardly even know her and keep it as short and sweet as possible.

 

In a way I'm really starting to get curious of what she had to say to me...I don't know what she could possibly expect to achieve by doing this, especially since she doesn't want to be with me at all.

[Winter blue]

Last night, just before I was going to bed, I looked out my bedroom window and noticed her car sitting on my street. She got out of her car and started to approach my door, and then she froze and ran back into her car and drove off.

 

Good news is I felt nothing when I saw her, but bad news is that I am curious of what exactly she had to say to me. I think she is at the point of cracking and coming to see me face to face. How should I handle it when / if she comes to my door?

 

That sounds suspicious, did you see anything left at your door this morning? She probably just want to drop you a gift/note for the Vday?

 

Let her be and if she does coming to your door, I'd say stay cool and listen her out.

[lauri]

That sounds suspicious, did you see anything left at your door this morning? She probably just want to drop you a gift/note for the Vday?

 

Let her be and if she does coming to your door, I'd say stay cool and listen her out.

 

There is nothing left at my door.

 

I think she got scared going up to my door and ran off. I'm realizing the only bond I have left with her is that anger of what she did to me (letting my quit my job and move back to Canada for her). Either way, I hope she just leaves me alone for good so I don’t have to deal with her anymore. She is manipulative and immature…not a bad person but naive. I just hope she realizes what she did was wrong, because I don’t want any other guy to have to go through what I went through.

 

Honestly, this is the last thing I wanted to think about on Valentine’s Day.

[lauri]

Since I saw her come to my house and run away the door on Valentine’s Day, slowly it has been eating away at my conscience…mainly that I have not been talking to her and told her to never contact me again. I almost in a way, even though she was completely wrong for what she did to me, am starting to feel guilty. I guess it comes down to the fact I never forgave her, even though I know her apology was all about her.

 

Lately, I have been having dreams about her…replaying events with us together. I miss the connection I had with her…her personality how it meshed with mine really well. I think I am seriously in this lonely stage now…no girls who are in my life that really catch my attention. Normally, it takes me a really really long time to meet someone who I connect with on all levels (culturally, emotionally, and sexually). I am remembering the girl I loved, the girl who is long dead and no longer exists.

 

I get that she is not interested in me and that chances of us being together is long gone –all it comes down to is her guilt. I realize that I am just going through one of those things; this only started to happen the last few days. I swear I was doing so well… part of me wants to reach out to her and tell her “I forgive you” even though she does not deserve it…I guess I want to be the better person. I know I am strong and I know that I am an amazing person with a good future, great family and good heart – I want to put all the horrible unjustified things I went through behind me. Will forgiving her do that or should I continue to maintain strong and just avoid any contact with her at all?

 

I think I forgive her – in my heart I forgive her because I know she really is not a bad person she just did not know how to handle this and was extremely immature doing this entire process.

[Zahara]

Will forgiving her do that or should I continue to maintain strong and just avoid any contact with her at all?.

 

I think you are finding excuses to break contact. As you said, since her appearance at your front door, you've been bothered by it. In a way, you want to reach out because you have a bug eating at you.

 

When you forgive someone, you don't have to announce it. You come to terms with it and you keep moving on. Forgiving her, is not for her benefit. It is for you because it helps you let go and move on. So, there is no need to tell her.

 

In time, indifference will set in and you will be able to put all this behind you. Telling her you forgive her today won't change the fact that tomorrow it will still ruminate in your heart and in your brain. The only way you become unaffected by it all is with the help of time, what you do with that time and soon enough, the inevitable appearance of indifference. And even then, the thoughts may still come back to you, but it most certainly won't affect you negatively.

 

If you truly want to announce it and provide her with what you believe she may want (forgiveness), do it when you are completely over her and have moved on with your life.

Edited February 28, 2014 by Zahara

[lolablue17]

I think I forgive her – in my heart I forgive her because I know she really is not a bad person she just did not know how to handle this and was extremely immature doing this entire process.

 

I want to offer a different approach from what was given to you in this thread.

 

You didn't get over her at all if you ask me. If she wants you back, would you take her back?

 

I suggest you to contact her, and arrange a meeting in a cafe.

In the meeting you can listen as much as you want, but ask her just one thing letting her know "You have only one chance! If you're going to lie or even tell me only 99% of the truth, I'm leaving the table in 1 second, so think hard before you answer: you're trying to contact me all the time - Do you want us back? YES\ NO".

 

If she says NO - get up immediatly and leave for ever.

If she says YES - I would leave anyway but its up to you.

 

With this question you will get your strong upper hand, the hand you need to get over her, if you ask me.

[kpkballer]

Im in a similar situation as you. When i do good on no contact she texts me out of the blue and wonders Why i get upset. It is not fair to you at all what she is doing. Woman CANNOT remain friends with past lovers they just cant. Feeling the way yoi are is perfectly normal. Do you want her back? If so keep on the path which you are leading. Buy, do not be disrespectful If she calls just get off the phone within 2 minutes of convo. It works everytime. She will wonder Why you cant find time to talk for long

[lauri]

I think you are finding excuses to break contact. As you said, since her appearance at your front door, you've been bothered by it. In a way, you want to reach out because you have a bug eating at you.

 

When you forgive someone, you don't have to announce it. You come to terms with it and you keep moving on. Forgiving her, is not for her benefit. It is for you because it helps you let go and move on. So, there is no need to tell her.

 

In time, indifference will set in and you will be able to put all this behind you. Telling her you forgive her today won't change the fact that tomorrow it will still ruminate in your heart and in your brain. The only way you become unaffected by it all is with the help of time, what you do with that time and soon enough, the inevitable appearance of indifference. And even then, the thoughts may still come back to you, but it most certainly won't affect you negatively.

 

If you truly want to announce it and provide her with what you believe she may want (forgiveness), do it when you are completely over her and have moved on with your life.

 

This makes a lot of sense for me. I'm just going through such a low right now - it is stupid. I mean, I just started to re-read some of this thread and if I was an outsider, speaking objectively, I would tell myself to never talk to my ex EVER again. She did too much damage - left no hope for anything.

 

This forgiveness needs to come from within myself. I think I have this unresolved anger inside of myself that it is making it extremely difficult to get rid of how I feel. I just got to stick to what I said, hope she doesn't contact me again and move forward day by day.

 

I want to offer a different approach from what was given to you in this thread.

 

You didn't get over her at all if you ask me. If she wants you back, would you take her back?

 

I suggest you to contact her, and arrange a meeting in a cafe.

In the meeting you can listen as much as you want, but ask her just one thing letting her know "You have only one chance! If you're going to lie or even tell me only 99% of the truth, I'm leaving the table in 1 second, so think hard before you answer: you're trying to contact me all the time - Do you want us back? YES\ NO".

 

If she says NO - get up immediatly and leave for ever.

If she says YES - I would leave anyway but its up to you.

 

With this question you will get your strong upper hand, the hand you need to get over her, if you ask me.

 

I understand why you are saying this - so I can have that "closure" for myself. However, I'm not sure if you have read through some of this thread, my ex would send me messages like this:

 

- "Bro, when are you going to get over what happened and talk to me normally?"

- "I'm not trying to date you, I'm just being friendly, its not worth not talking to me"

etc etc etc

 

I even told her to never contact me again because she is NOT my friend...this girl had no intentions of dating me after I returned home for her...I can guarantee she has none now.

 

I don't think meeting with her will do me any good...plus I would look stupid telling her to never talk to me again and then contacting her now.

 

I am going through an extreme low right now because of loneliness and remembering a girl who I lost, who no longer exists - she has changed into what she is today and that is who she will be moving forward.

 

 

Im in a similar situation as you. When i do good on no contact she texts me out of the blue and wonders Why i get upset. It is not fair to you at all what she is doing. Woman CANNOT remain friends with past lovers they just cant. Feeling the way yoi are is perfectly normal. Do you want her back? If so keep on the path which you are leading. Buy, do not be disrespectful If she calls just get off the phone within 2 minutes of convo. It works everytime. She will wonder Why you cant find time to talk for long

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something similar.

 

Part of me does want her back, but logically it is not possible. She did too many things and caused so much damage that there is no fixing it...I don't think she did it on purpose to hurt me, she did it more out of immaturity and because she is naive.

 

I already kind of did the closing of the book by telling her to never contact me again and she hasn't. I told her this at the beginning of January and I think that it is pretty clear its over forever between us. She just feels guilty and wants me to forgive her.

[lolablue17]

I even told her to never contact me again because she is NOT my friend...this girl had no intentions of dating me after I returned home for her...I can guarantee she has none now.

 

You dont know nothing about girls (at least some of them).

 

When you were in her pocket, you are granted. So you are not interesting.

But when you are a challenge, When you're unreachable, then you are very interesting.

 

She wants you to be a strong man with a lot of confidence. never let this kind of girl the feeling that you are totally on her. NEVER!

 

The reason I suggested my idea is so you'll ask her if she wants to get back to you, most chances that even if she does, she won't admit it and will say NO!

 

but its a trap, because then you will get up and leave the table (also as a bonus leave her with the bill ) and she will stay shocked with the following feelings from her point of view:

 

1. You are a tough guy.

2. you dont belive her. you are sure she wants you, and it will eat her from inside.

3. You never told her you want her because you didnt show her that in your behavior.

 

You will turn things up side down for your own good. you will move on with a big smile because you dont have to forgive her any more because you hurt her in return.

 

P.S - If surprisingly she says YES - its a bonus for you. you can still leave and decide later what to do whis her. either way you have the upper hand.

[lolablue17]

I told her this at the beginning of January and I think that it is pretty clear its over forever between us. She just feels guilty and wants me to forgive her.

 

You are so naive if you think that forgiveness is what she wants...

[Zahara]

^^^ What a load of game playing ^^^

 

OP, stick to your plan. Girls probably behave this way but you won't have to play these types of games with a woman that is emotionally healthy and available to you.