Leaf Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Do you guys think that a MM can really and truly be in love with 2 woman at the same time? Do men just compartmentalize there emotions/ lives so well that they can do this? Or, are they "in love" with the W sometimes and the OW the othertimes? Or, are they just big fat liars?
KissMyTiara Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 I don't think anyone can be IN LOVE with 2 people at the same time. IN LOVE involves painful yearning, a yearning to be with that one person. I don't think you can yearn for two people at the same time. I DO, however, think MM can love his wife (care about her feelings, want to protect her, etc.) and still yearn for, be in love with, another woman.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 I think of it this way: a MM in the middle is like a puzzle piece. The OW is one puzzle piece and the W is the other. Neither of those pieces fit in each other's slots, and the MM is not whole without either. OW and W meet different sets of needs: both of which conceivably can be seen in his mind as "being in love - but in two different ways". If a MM is forced to give up one of the pieces, he will go with the one that will more easily accommodate the loss of the other and compensate for that loss. This requires a leap of faith on the part of the MM, oftentimes a leap that he is so terrified to take that it leaves him incapable of making any concrete decisions.
mourningMM Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I think of "in love" as different from love and from a crush... I can have a crush on many people at the same time...which ever one is in sight is fine. I can be "in love" with only one person, and if I am "in love" I REALLY don't want to be with anyone else. I can love as many people as my heart can fit...each in a way that is completely separate and equally important as the other. Can a man be "in love" with more than one person? I think some MAN or MEN out there who read this forum should say...How the he:: could any of us women know? LOL
BoatingBabe Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I can probably like 2 men at the same time, and have feelings for both..but once it turns into love...I think it can only be with one person at a time. I think men are the same way.
DinNJ Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Guy here... that would have to say the answer is a big fat NO.... for the simple fact... If he was IN LOVE with his wife... then it should be an unconditional love.... a love that would ... "HELLO!!!" stop him from cheating on the one he loves. If he's willing to cheat, hurt, risk losing her and his family...for a piece of @ss on the side... then he's NOT in love with her. Same goes for a MW who is willing to cheat or cheats on her husband. Bottomline....Boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife.... if you're willing to cheat on someone, then you're not in love with them. Does that mean he's in love with the OW??? All depends... mostly on whether or not he can leave his wife for the OW. In my opinion, if he drags it out with plenty of excuses stringing both along, then he's not in love with either. That's my 2 cents...
BoatingBabe Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by DinNJ Guy here... that would have to say the answer is a big fat NO.... for the simple fact... If he was IN LOVE with his wife... then it should be an unconditional love.... a love that would ... "HELLO!!!" stop him from cheating on the one he loves. If he's willing to cheat, hurt, risk losing her and his family...for a piece of @ss on the side... then he's NOT in love with her. Same goes for a MW who is willing to cheat or cheats on her husband. Bottomline....Boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife.... if you're willing to cheat on someone, then you're not in love with them. Does that mean he's in love with the OW??? All depends... mostly on whether or not he can leave his wife for the OW. In my opinion, if he drags it out with plenty of excuses stringing both along, then he's not in love with either. That's my 2 cents... I'd have to agree with everything you said.
StillHurtin Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Good question. I wonder the same also when H had his A and the OW's H gave me love letters and poems he had found from him to her. He said in a couple of them he did love her, wanted to spend the rest of his life w/ her, if he could, he would marry her. How could he say those words to her and still wanting to be w/ me? Did he really love her or was it just a crush, or whatever, confused w/ love? I know when I am in love w/ one person I don't want to be w/ anyone else. It's not fair to me or the OP to try to have a relationship w/ someone when you are in love w/ another person. Sometimes I wonder if he did honestly love her b/c how can you love someone that you are ashamed or embarrassed to be w/ out in public? H told me that he never took the OW out to eat unless they went out of town where ppl didn't know them. We lived in a pretty small town and I am sure if he would of taken her out to eat someone that knew us would of seen them 2gether. We were seperated at the time and were going through a D and he was starting his life over w/ her so why he be embarrassed or ashamed. He told me that when she went to see him at our home (after I moved out) that she wanted to give him a kiss goodbye and he backed away and said no b/c the neighbors might see them. Also, one time the OW's H said he drove past her house (they were seperated also, she filed for a D a week after my H did). He said she seen them pull into her driveway, shut the garage doors real fast and ran to the house. Why were they trying to hide? We already knew the truth. Sorry to ramble on again. Reading such post makes me think about the A and I am still trying to find the answers.
DinNJ Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 yea, unfortunately, I have to force myself to believe it too.. meaning, my friend ISN'T in love with me either... unless she leaves her ex... husband...ex... whatever the hell he is... for me. You ever notice there are always double the amount of GUESTS on this website compared to the registered users??? Makes me wonder if my 'friend' is sitting in front of her computer reading all my posts about her... Guess anythings possible huh? Just a thought.
Author Leaf Posted January 10, 2005 Author Posted January 10, 2005 Then what is it that happens? How do the MM/MW flip flop all the time with their emotions?
StillHurtin Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by DinNJ Guy here... that would have to say the answer is a big fat NO.... for the simple fact... If he was IN LOVE with his wife... then it should be an unconditional love.... a love that would ... "HELLO!!!" stop him from cheating on the one he loves. If he's willing to cheat, hurt, risk losing her and his family...for a piece of @ss on the side... then he's NOT in love with her. Same goes for a MW who is willing to cheat or cheats on her husband. Bottomline....Boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife.... if you're willing to cheat on someone, then you're not in love with them. Does that mean he's in love with the OW??? All depends... mostly on whether or not he can leave his wife for the OW. In my opinion, if he drags it out with plenty of excuses stringing both along, then he's not in love with either. That's my 2 cents... I have to agree w/ you also. It still makes me question H. If he really did love me how could he get involved in an emotional and physical A? I know from the OW said that he was very confused about not knowing what he wanted, the D or not. It still confuses me
DinNJ Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Leaf... I thought it was you who posted something about.... MM/MW simply finding and using another to fill the void and emptiness that they're missing from their marriage. Or maybe it wasn't you. Somewhere under this section, somebody made alot of sense as to what and why it happens.... thought for sure it was you.
Author Leaf Posted January 10, 2005 Author Posted January 10, 2005 no, It wasnt me.. I find it so hard to believe that my MM is just using me.. maybe I just dont want to believe whatthe truth really is.
DinNJ Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 sucks don't it??? My situation is different though.... mine just SURPRISED me recently that she was married... she was contemplating on getting married this time last year when we confessed feelings for each other... then she put alot of distance between us through email.... once a week or so.... then showed up at my front door telling me she DID get married... she SHOULD'VE listened to me... and that she was leaving him. I forgave her... spent time with her.... then she went back to him. SHE'S NOW CUT OFF!!! It's obvious she turned to me and has been turning to me everytime HE messes up. Why? Cause' HE can't make her happy, so she finds happiness in me... I build her self-asteem back up.... make her feel like she can conquer the world again.... make her feel she's worth of being loved... then ByeBye DinNJ.... back to the ex.... Yes, she said she's IN LOVE with me... whatever. Do I want revenge??? I get my revenge knowing a zebra never changes his stripes... she's unhappily tied down in a bad marriage that'll NEVER improve...and I'm free to see and be happy with whome ever I want. Course, in an hour, I'll be crying.
Author Leaf Posted January 10, 2005 Author Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by DinNJ sucks don't it??? My situation is different though.... mine just SURPRISED me recently that she was married... she was contemplating on getting married this time last year when we confessed feelings for each other... then she put alot of distance between us through email.... once a week or so.... then showed up at my front door telling me she DID get married... she SHOULD'VE listened to me... and that she was leaving him. I forgave her... spent time with her.... then she went back to him. SHE'S NOW CUT OFF!!! It's obvious she turned to me and has been turning to me everytime HE messes up. Why? Cause' HE can't make her happy, so she finds happiness in me... I build her self-asteem back up.... make her feel like she can conquer the world again.... make her feel she's worth of being loved... then ByeBye DinNJ.... back to the ex.... Yes, she said she's IN LOVE with me... whatever. Do I want revenge??? I get my revenge knowing a zebra never changes his stripes... she's unhappily tied down in a bad marriage that'll NEVER improve...and I'm free to see and be happy with whome ever I want. Course, in an hour, I'll be crying. Omg does it ever suck.. lol! You are so right about we the OW/OM building up their self-esteem, being their support.. then.. *poof* they desert us.. and we let then.. over and over again. NO MORE I SAY! Its sooooo hard to stay strong tho.. one minute I have all the strength I need.. the next, I am a puddle of pathetic tears who just wants to hear his voice. Grrrrrrr.
mourningMM Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Leaf *poof* they desert us.. and we let then.. over and over again. . Here's an interesting thought. They need the build-up from us, and from their spouses...they are weak in ways that we will never be (either the Betrayed Spouse or the Other Woman). They need the emotional energy that bleeds us dry. When they are seeing the OW they are deserting their spouses over and over again. Here's the question...why should we feel any committment, responsibility, or loyalty to a person who gives only momentary pleasure back? We do, that is part of the reason many of us stay. But in reality are we just being enablers? Are we just allowing these "love junkies" or "sex junkies" to continue their addictive behavior. Would we actually be more of a friend to give tough love, and tell them to learn to live without us. Just a though...
brashgal Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 It's obvious she turned to me and has been turning to me everytime HE messes up. Why? Cause' HE can't make her happy, so she finds happiness in me... I build her self-asteem back up.... make her feel like she can conquer the world again.... make her feel she's worth of being loved... then ByeBye DinNJ.... back to the ex.... Yes, she said she's IN LOVE with me... whatever. This is so interesting to me as a betrayed wife as it so perfectly describes my ex's behavior. I had not put myself in the OW's position, she was feeling almost as crappy as I was I'll bet ... Nobody wins - it sucks.
startingover1028 Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Why couldn't someone be in love with more than one person at a time? When you have more than one child, you love them all, don't you? You love each parent and grandparent... many friends? It's all love... albiet different from the intoxicating, breathless anticipatory love made from lover's dreams... I think it would be very easy to love two people at the same time. Not equally and certainly not for the same reasons, but love them?... yes.
Owl Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Most people cannot "love" as in spouse/significant other more than one person at a time for a couple of reasons. It's almost impossible to invest yourself emotionally across two different people. One or the other of the relationships (sometimes both) suffer due to that. It's one of the main reasons us "betrayed spouses" find out. One of the first things we notice when an affair begins is that lessening of the emotional relationship...because they've started investing in the OP, they've stopped or greatly cut back on what they were investing in us. We see that almost immediately, but rarely figure out what it is right away. My wife told her OM in an IM session that she was "slowly falling out of love with him (me), and falling more and more in love with (OM)". She couldn't handle trying to maintain two seperate SO relationships...so one of them had to suffer that loss. When the affair ended, and as she was finally starting to get through the withdrawl of the loss of the OM, we started to become intimate physically again. Realize that she hadn't been with him physically, but she'd started to seriously fantasize and dream about it. The first time it we started to become intimate, she burst into tears...she was having trouble seperating her feelings for me from her feelings for him. She felt like she was betraying us both. There ARE all kinds of love...but all of those are different from each other, and from the feelings that we have for our SO. That kind of love is almost impossible to truly spread across more than one person...which is why affairs so rarely work out. Eventually, the MM/MW sees that, or BS becomes aware of the affair primarily because of the loss in their relationship...and the whole thing comes to an end...one way or another.
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