confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 It's been about five months since I found out and I still am having anger issues, every other week. He's been going to counselors, individual and marriage) (we are between counselors because our marriage counselor was demeaning), he's been attentive, checks in, hands me his phones and other devices and gave me the passwords to every account he has, the woman moved way out of state nine months ago. But STILL....there are days I want to scream at him, I swear! I get so angry. I just think of all the times I was worrying about him after the death of his father figure and trying to get him to talk to me and share with me and he was turning to her to talk and calling her his f.uc.king angel! WTF. I sat home and prayed for him and he was meeting her in and at least once sleeping with her. And he lied so many times...repeatedly and even after I found out everything. But he's been remorseful, and honest and open. Or he was for the end of 2013, but now he says it's a new year and he doesn't want to think about last year. Yeah...um...OK. You f.ucked your ex last year when your wife was sick and struggling to get her health back and now you expect your wife to just move on and get over it...is that it? Not even six months. Some days, though, things are good. MOST of the time they are great. He is attentive, texting me from work throughout the night, asking me if we need to talk and sometimes even talking about his feelings about what he did. He's not over board like a guilty person, however. Don't know how to explain it without over explaining it. I know this will take time. I know he wants to repair our marriage and is well on his way, but dang...I wish the anger would go away so I could stop feeling all knotted up inside some days.
Clay Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I wished I could tell you it will be over with soon but it does not. You are just going to have to learn to avoid things that might help trigger the pain. I would get into IC if you are not already in it. I would surround yourself with friends and family to help you cope. I am really sorry you are suffering. I would not wish this on anyone. Clay 2
oldshirt Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Think of it like a broken bone. You get treated, have surgery, get the bone set, casted etc. The healing process has begun and the treatment is appropriate etc but it still hurts like a mofo for weeks and there is a period of debilitation and is a long time before full use of that limb resumes. Same here. You have been hurt and the marriage damaged. Even with appropriate treatment, it will take a long time to recover. 4
underwater2010 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 1 yr and 6 months out here......and yes it does get better. But it does not go away all together. I have one major trigger that gets me all the time. We are down to one car and if he falls asleep when I am texting/calling to be picked up it sends me over the edge....each and every time. My thought is....he could stay up to all hours chatting with her, but for me...it doesn't matter. Silly I know since he is up early and usually falls asleep trying to get the toddler down. But yes....it does get a ton better. Hang in there. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I think it is very, very important to disclose these feelings to him. DO. NOT. BURY. THEM. Tell him you appreciate his honesty, transparency and efforts to help you heal. But trust is built slowly over time. It's a process.....a very long process and for you, while you love him, the jury is still out on your future together. It is very normal for a WS to compartmentalize and want to move on. Often the affair did not mean all that much to them and now that it is over and the spell broken, well...they just want it all to go back to the way it was. But it can't. Not yet. You still have much more to process through. It takes TIME to get to true forgiveness. Tell him that. Tell him how you feel. tell him you want to get there, but are not there yet....maybe not for a long time. 7
Spark1111 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 And be brutally honest. Maybe you will find you will never gain back your respect of him, but you are trying.... Hell, I told my H that I had a reoccurring fantasy of finding a nice guy who would NEVER cheat on me. I also told him that based on my reading, it was a VERY NORMAL and common fantasy among BSs. Five months is WAAAY too early to end conversation and introspection for both HIM and for you.... 2
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 I wished I could tell you it will be over with soon but it does not. You are just going to have to learn to avoid things that might help trigger the pain. I would get into IC if you are not already in it. I would surround yourself with friends and family to help you cope. I am really sorry you are suffering. I would not wish this on anyone. Clay Thank you. I am trying to avoid the triggers. I am in IC. Thanks for the reminder I need to call her to reschedule. What sucks is I can't even go to the local Wal-Mart, the only one in our town, because my husband used to meet her there and sit in her car and "talk" He says talk and I do believe him (it's a long story...I am just skipping detail) but it still upsets me because I sat at home thinking he was working late and he was sitting in her car. Then he would smell like perfume and cigarettes but because he works with the public a lot I never thought a lot of it...briefly but NEVER thought that until shortly before she left the state. I have panic attacks even driving past the stupid ass store.
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 Think of it like a broken bone. You get treated, have surgery, get the bone set, casted etc. The healing process has begun and the treatment is appropriate etc but it still hurts like a mofo for weeks and there is a period of debilitation and is a long time before full use of that limb resumes. Same here. You have been hurt and the marriage damaged. Even with appropriate treatment, it will take a long time to recover. Great analogy. And Thank you. 1
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 I agree.... And thank you. I think when you find a new counselor the bold needs to be addressed. He gets to magically not deal with the fallout because the calendar flipped to 2014? That alone would be enough to send the most calm BS into a rage. He needs to work on this up to and until it's healed. I'm so sorry you're hurting.
Clay Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Thank you. I am trying to avoid the triggers. I am in IC. Thanks for the reminder I need to call her to reschedule. What sucks is I can't even go to the local Wal-Mart, the only one in our town, because my husband used to meet her there and sit in her car and "talk" He says talk and I do believe him (it's a long story...I am just skipping detail) but it still upsets me because I sat at home thinking he was working late and he was sitting in her car. Then he would smell like perfume and cigarettes but because he works with the public a lot I never thought a lot of it...briefly but NEVER thought that until shortly before she left the state. I have panic attacks even driving past the stupid ass store. That is so crazy. That is where my xW met her OM. He worked there. It took 5 years to even want to walk back in that store lol. I am really sorry you are going through this. It will get better over time. I personally glad I am not with my xW. Clay
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 THat would drive me NUTS! And i know what you mean. DUring his affair he was asleep at home all the time. He ignored our son and I and would stay up texting her. He's told me she was normally texting him or calling him and he just listened to her complain about her husband and kids (she has a lot to complain about with the husband) but still....she was worth being a zombie for but at the sacrifice of us.I know he's trying so hard to not do that anymore. And what it is weird is that since the affair ended, he doesn't sleep as much around us as he did and he's more alert and spends more time with us. I should have clued in a lot sooner than i did. 1 yr and 6 months out here......and yes it does get better. But it does not go away all together. I have one major trigger that gets me all the time. We are down to one car and if he falls asleep when I am texting/calling to be picked up it sends me over the edge....each and every time. My thought is....he could stay up to all hours chatting with her, but for me...it doesn't matter. Silly I know since he is up early and usually falls asleep trying to get the toddler down. But yes....it does get a ton better. Hang in there.
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 That is so crazy. That is where my xW met her OM. He worked there. It took 5 years to even want to walk back in that store lol. I am really sorry you are going through this. It will get better over time. I personally glad I am not with my xW. Clay Stupid freaking Wal-Mart. The center of evil. lol 3
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 I am trying and he is trying to earn my trust back too. And I have had this fantasy as well. I'm so glad I'm not some weirdo then:). And be brutally honest. Maybe you will find you will never gain back your respect of him, but you are trying.... Hell, I told my H that I had a reoccurring fantasy of finding a nice guy who would NEVER cheat on me. I also told him that based on my reading, it was a VERY NORMAL and common fantasy among BSs. Five months is WAAAY too early to end conversation and introspection for both HIM and for you....
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 I do find him that he wants to push it to the side and wants to move on. February will be the month he says he slept with her the one time and I know it will be a tough one for me in some ways..with me contemplating "was it on this day" or "Is this the anniversary of the day?" women think about these things, men don't. Gah. I sometimes wish my brain worked like a mans!!!I think it is very, very important to disclose these feelings to him. DO. NOT. BURY. THEM. Tell him you appreciate his honesty, transparency and efforts to help you heal. But trust is built slowly over time. It's a process.....a very long process and for you, while you love him, the jury is still out on your future together. It is very normal for a WS to compartmentalize and want to move on. Often the affair did not mean all that much to them and now that it is over and the spell broken, well...they just want it all to go back to the way it was. But it can't. Not yet. You still have much more to process through. It takes TIME to get to true forgiveness. Tell him that. Tell him how you feel. tell him you want to get there, but are not there yet....maybe not for a long time.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Thank you. I am trying to avoid the triggers. I am in IC. Thanks for the reminder I need to call her to reschedule. What sucks is I can't even go to the local Wal-Mart, the only one in our town, because my husband used to meet her there and sit in her car and "talk" He says talk and I do believe him (it's a long story...I am just skipping detail) but it still upsets me because I sat at home thinking he was working late and he was sitting in her car. Then he would smell like perfume and cigarettes but because he works with the public a lot I never thought a lot of it...briefly but NEVER thought that until shortly before she left the state. I have panic attacks even driving past the stupid ass store. I just wanted to comment on the triggers. Having been a FMOW and a BS I can relate. Early on it was so excruciating I thought I would never recover. My house, the church we used to go to (drive by every day - no choice), eating establishments, parks, my car (which I hope to get rid of this year), clothes, the office building my husband and I both own (his affair) - hell I was even in a meeting at school awhile back and I looked up and there was xmom's name on one of the athletic records (thought about some vandalism but didn't ) - hard to get away from. The point being is that it does get better depending upon your focus. Time takes care of so much of it. It really does. I still have to face those things every day (something) for the most part, but it is nowhere near as sharp and I can tell you that I don't think of it all of the time now - every now and then - but certainly not as acutely. It really sucks - I know it does - but time can take care of a lot of it. Give yourself some slack here - it's only been a few months. 1
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 I also want to apologize for the typos today. This stupid computer's keys don't seem to want to work today.
TheBladeRunner Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 After 18 months I can honestly say that with a lot of work on myself it has passed. At the one year mark I was actually in a pretty good place. OP: I so get what you are saying about the lies......the other tough one for me was the sheer selfishness on my XW's part. She has and always will only care about herself, that's just the way it will be I guess. Keep moving forward....:This too shall pass" .
Journee Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 My anger lasted for at least a year. It's been over three now and I don't get angry. It does get better. Admittedly, I do find myself at times still asking "why?" in my head. It was a good year before I overcame my anger. For me though, I was angry about a lot things. I let go not for my H but for me. It was killing me. 3
Journee Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I am trying and he is trying to earn my trust back too. And I have had this fantasy as well. I'm so glad I'm not some weirdo then:). You are most definitely not alone in this. I struggle with this the most now and have to really catch myself. Sometimes are worse than others. Never think you are alone. I am very sorry you are hurting.
TheBladeRunner Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 It was a good year before I overcame my anger. For me though, I was angry about a lot things. I let go not for my H but for me. It was killing me. That's it! It's OK to get angry, but we only hurt ourselves when we hang onto it! Journee: I did it for me too! 2
Journee Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 That's it! It's OK to get angry, but we only hurt ourselves when we hang onto it! Journee: I did it for me too! It took me a while to really connect with that. It's made my thinking much clearer and if we cannot reconcile then with a sound mind the decision will be made. The thing about anger is that is seeps into every part of your life. It spreads. 1
Fluttershy Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 You need to tell him if he says he wants to "forget last year" that some arbritary date on the calander means nothing when it comes to betrayal, pain, and trust. And if he persists tell him to take your calander and shove it where the sub don't shine. Lol. But in all seriousness this was what I was talking about. The WS is human and i believe they are allowed to express feeligs during R. And that they don't have to be a verbal and phyiscal punching bag at all times BUT they most certainly should not ever tell their spouse when it is time to put it in the past. As I said in the other thread, they are gonna screw up. I'd almost question the them if they didn't. In a heated discussion they may lose it an say "can't we put this behind us yet." specially if the BS has been bringing up the A freqently. After all we know how human they are. But if every time anything A related is mentioned they try to make you feel you should he over it or they make you feel bad for bringing it up or triggering. They need to get a swift kick in the ass... After thr calander stuffing. Have you had your spouse read the pinned topic above?
TheBladeRunner Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) It took me a while to really connect with that. It's made my thinking much clearer and if we cannot reconcile then with a sound mind the decision will be made. The thing about anger is that is seeps into every part of your life. It spreads. Amen sister! I have been through this before...."D" #2 for me due to infidelity on their part. The first time three years! This time.....not so much.....I'm getting to old for all the crap! Edited January 12, 2014 by TheBladeRunner Bad spelling
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