Cheated now devastated

January 8, 2014

hello all

So theres a lot of advise here on the cheated party. But what about a person who cheated and regrets it frm the bottom of her heart? I have no reason or justification for why i did it. Cuz we din spend enough time is lame ... I dont think it was the mere cheap thrill of it but anyway this happened about four months back and my bf has broken up wid me , cuz i confessed immediately. Actually the story's kinda long . It was a colleague i kissed once and we broke up but after the break up i met that colleague again for two days straight and the same thing happened. We din go beyond that. Now, i dont understand why the other two days happened, cuz i knew even then i wanted my bf back. I was insane possessed or deriving a cheap thrill i do not know. But now i feel horrible and spend most of my days crying and thinking how and why we fell apart and what i could have done differently. Now my bf has moved on and i m doing the NC now finally after 4 months of begging and pleading. I do want him back but at the same time i want him to be able to trust me again. i miss him terribly and i think i screwed up royally by trying to justify what i did. I have been thinking hard, but i just dont know how i could possibly do ths. it doesnt feel like me

January 8, 2014

Each one of us has our "deal breakers". Something that would cause the end of the relationship between us. Well, I think you found his.

You're going to have to chalk this up to lessons learned. You tried for 4 months to get him back. But, it didn't work. So, time to heal and move on. But, most importantly, LEARN FROM THIS! You now have first hand knowledge on the devastation that cheating causes.

A Spanish philosopher once said that if we don't learn from our past, then history is doomed to repeat itself.

January 8, 2014

hello all

So theres a lot of advise here on the cheated party. But what about a person who cheated and regrets it frm the bottom of her heart? I have no reason or justification for why i did it. Cuz we din spend enough time is lame ... I dont think it was the mere cheap thrill of it but anyway this happened about four months back and my bf has broken up wid me , cuz i confessed immediately. Actually the story's kinda long . It was a colleague i kissed once and we broke up but after the break up i met that colleague again for two days straight and the same thing happened. We din go beyond that. Now, i dont understand why the other two days happened, cuz i knew even then i wanted my bf back. I was insane possessed or deriving a cheap thrill i do not know. But now i feel horrible and spend most of my days crying and thinking how and why we fell apart and what i could have done differently. Now my bf has moved on and i m doing the NC now finally after 4 months of begging and pleading. I do want him back but at the same time i want him to be able to trust me again. i miss him terribly and i think i screwed up royally by trying to justify what i did. I have been thinking hard, but i just dont know how i could possibly do ths. it doesnt feel like me

Don't sweat it, there is a book called "Make up, don't break up" you need to read it. Everyone cheats, some admit it and some don't. I don't know anyone who doesn't flirt, some people just take it a step further. This is what I learned because I have been cheated on. If he really loved and cared for you he would have forgiven you and moved the relationship forward. The fact that he allowed your one indiscretion put an end to what you had proves he was not that into you. I know it hurts, but in time you will look back to what i'm saying and agree. We all make mistakes, the girl who cheated on me left me for the guy too. I begged, cried, I did everything in my power to get her back, I forgave her because I was in love with her. That was 15 years ago. It took me about 4 months to get over her because she was smoking hot, educated and a great dancer. The day I got over her is the day she and the new bf broke up, I met a better woman a few months later and that relationship lasted about 4 years. The ex, the one that cheated on me, well she chased me for about 5 years after her and the new bf broke up. Even when I was still single, I had healed and would not take her back, to this day she still calls me from time to time.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you sound young. The fact that you realized your mistake and admitted it shows you cared for him and the relationship. Maybe he wasn't giving you something, i.e., attention, which lead you to kiss the other cat. Don't beat yourself up, soon you will meet a real man who won't dump you for a stupid kiss, what an idiot. Trust me, in a few years you will read what I am writing and say to yourself "HE BROKE UP WITH ME FOR THAT, HA, HIS LOSS" and you will laugh it off with a "real" man by your side.

peace

Edited January 8, 2014 by AlphaC

January 8, 2014

Both Chi town and Alpha have good points. For some people, cheating is cheating and that includes emotional cheating. No buts no ifs. It's over. But for others, they'd say meh it's just a kiss it doesn't count.

What I can tell you is something you probably already know. The cheating is not the issue, it's the trust that was broken. Because trust is something that's very fragile and once damaged, nearly impossible to fix.

So yeah, the best course of action is to chalk it up as lesson learned. Now you know how high the value of trust is.

January 8, 2014

Don't sweat it, there is a book called "Make up, don't break up" you need to read it. Everyone cheats, some admit it and some don't. I don't know anyone who doesn't flirt, some people just take it a step further. This is what I learned because I have been cheated on. If he really loved and cared for you he would have forgiven you and moved the relationship forward. The fact that he allowed your one indiscretion put an end to what you had proves he was not that into you. I know it hurts, but in time you will look back to what i'm saying and agree. We all make mistakes, the girl who cheated on me left me for the guy too. I begged, cried, I did everything in my power to get her back, I forgave her because I was in love with her. That was 15 years ago. It took me about 4 months to get over her because she was smoking hot, educated and a great dancer. The day I got over her is the day she and the new bf broke up, I met a better woman a few months later and that relationship lasted about 4 years. The ex, the one that cheated on me, well she chased me for about 5 years after her and the new bf broke up. Even when I was still single, I had healed and would not take her back, to this day she still calls me from time to time.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you sound young. The fact that you realized your mistake and admitted it shows you cared for him and the relationship. Maybe he wasn't giving you something, i.e., attention, which lead you to kiss the other cat. Don't beat yourself up, soon you will meet a real man who won't dump you for a stupid kiss, what an idiot. Trust me, in a few years you will read what I am writing and say to yourself "HE BROKE UP WITH ME FOR THAT, HA, HIS LOSS" and you will laugh it off with a "real" man by your side.
peace

Just a kiss ? She kissed this guy then had the nerve to do it again . How could you say the person who got cheated on is an idiot ?

January 8, 2014

Chalk it up as a life lesson.

This relationship is over. Let it be.

The next time you are in a relationship & even thinking about kissing someone else, remember how this feels & walk away.

If you are really drawn to your potential cheating partner, go break up with your SO, then come back to the new person when you are free to do so.

January 8, 2014

Both Chi town and Alpha have good points. For some people, cheating is cheating and that includes emotional cheating. No buts no ifs. It's over. But for others, they'd say meh it's just a kiss it doesn't count.

What I can tell you is something you probably already know. The cheating is not the issue, it's the trust that was broken. Because trust is something that's very fragile and once damaged, nearly impossible to fix.

So yeah, the best course of action is to chalk it up as lesson learned. Now you know how high the value of trust is.

True, your ex sounds like a fragile male. Another book I would probably recommend to you is "the way of the superior man" by David Deide. Like Strive said, lesson learned, pick men who are stronger, wiser and more mature.

It takes time to court a woman, it's not easy, lots of time and money involved in building a relationship, to throw it away over a kiss when lots of personal emotional investment is involved, JEEEZ!!! If my gf kissed another man I would not be happy. However, if I loved her I would show her that I am the prize with all that I have to offer, I would forgive her mistake. If she did it again, however, she would lose me, that's how I would play it. So I give everyone one chance, if they do it again then it's over. We are all human, don't be so hard on yourself, this journey of life will be over in a few years. I can't believe how fast 2013 flew by!!!

January 8, 2014

Just a kiss ? She kissed this guy then had the nerve to do it again . How could you say the person who got cheated on is an idiot ?

hey smarty pants, he dumped her when she kissed him the second time, read it again

January 8, 2014

hey smarty pants, he dumped her when she kissed him the second time, read it again

Yeah, but she pretty much proved that he did the right thing.

January 8, 2014

One time you kissed the guy and he gets pissed but rather than learn from your mistake you did it again.

What do you expect your boyfriend to do? You by your actions told your boyfriend that you have no respect for his feelings and he finally knew that you can't be trusted any longer.

Try putting yourself in his shoes for a change and ask yourself if you wouldn't feel the same way. Remember you did this twice. First time is a mistake, the second is deliberate.

January 8, 2014

Hello all

Yes you are all right. Cheating was the deal breaker. I dont understand y the followup kisses happened.. I might hv bn infatuatd n drunk bt these are silly excuses. I knw i must move on bt i hope he asks me back. I ****ed up bigtym. Yes we din spend netym togethr cuz he was an indoor fella n wudnt meet as often as id like. I bought the book by chris seiter ex bf recovery. I also read the site magic of making up. I m goin to do ths NC fr a mnth n write a hsndwritten note with an apology n no excuses. I hope he frgvs me . I jus wish hed turn to me in need bt he says he has better ppl to turn to. Hes turnd that cold. I feel seiters book is kind of manipulatin ur ex back. NC is good bt da rest of it seems lik a game so i dun feel lik trickin him

I m 25 and all my frnz r gettin married or kp talkin abt engagements etc. I cnt evn feel happy for them i m so ****d in my head. I guess i wantd to hv my cake n eat it too.. The lessons learnt bt i wish it wasnt at da cost of ths guy. Hr was amazin.. I nly hope he doesnt hate love aftr ths

January 8, 2014

Ok I'm usually one that thinks if you've got nothing good to say don't say it at all. But c'mon girl! What are you playing at?

No offense but I don't blame your boyfriend at all, I would have broke up with you after the first kiss. Cheating is cheating. It's that trust aspect a couple of other posts here mention. And c'mon other people how can you say, 'you will find a "real" man', seems real enough to me, and smart enough.

Ok rant over, but here's the positive though. You've learnt a valuable lesson, or at least I hope you have, you can't go around doing this to people and I assure you if you continue it the same will happen again. If (heaven forbid) you do it again then one thing you did do right and you should always do is confess immediately like you. I have respect for you for doing that at least and honesty is always the best policy. Something I would suggest you work on is looking at things from the other person's perspective, in relationships, in work, in life and think before you act.

Actions speak louder than words and you should know this now and remember this and take this into account for future reference ...you naughty naughty girl.

January 8, 2014

we broke up aftr da frst kiss. The guy i cheated wid was leavin town n assured me we wr frnz n i nd nt wry. Bt yes thr was alcohol n the kiss hpnd at that tym i justified to myself that my bf hd already broken up wime bt i also knew i wantd him bk.the post break up kisses wr totally uncalld for. bt i cudnt kp those frm my bf who was already my ex n blurted out to him .until nov we wr talkin at least n meetin a few times. now he wont c my face

The wrst thing is da timing. We cud hv had so mch fun plamnin our own weddin too wen all ny frnz r duin da same. My parents once sd tho u ****d up u cud hv let urself calm dwn n thn decide to tell him . Cn anyone explain y da last two kisses happnd. My bf had left me n i was devastated . how did those kisses happn. I cnt evn understand wat demon possessed me oe what:/

January 8, 2014

It happened because you let it happen. Only you can know why you allowed it to happen because only you can know what's going through your mind at the time. Don't look to somewhere else to absolve you. Unless you were drugged and have proof of it you can show your ex that is.

January 8, 2014

yes strive i was nly dizzy cnt say drugged n da secnd day i jus stopd thinkin .. Emitionally i wasnt present n i tjot who cares abt da body. I jus wantd to b dun wid ths guy i guess cux i knew id neve see him again. Bt my bf says i was weak n cudnt say no evn wen we wr broken up.hes right ofcourse

Thnks all of u

January 8, 2014

Ok I'm usually one that thinks if you've got nothing good to say don't say it at all. But c'mon girl! What are you playing at?

No offense but I don't blame your boyfriend at all, I would have broke up with you after the first kiss. Cheating is cheating. It's that trust aspect a couple of other posts here mention. And c'mon other people how can you say, 'you will find a "real" man', seems real enough to me, and smart enough.

Ok rant over, but here's the positive though. You've learnt a valuable lesson, or at least I hope you have, you can't go around doing this to people and I assure you if you continue it the same will happen again. If (heaven forbid) you do it again then one thing you did do right and you should always do is confess immediately like you. I have respect for you for doing that at least and honesty is always the best policy. Something I would suggest you work on is looking at things from the other person's perspective, in relationships, in work, in life and think before you act.

Actions speak louder than words and you should know this now and remember this and take this into account for future reference ...you naughty naughty girl.

I M NEVER CHEATING AGAIN.. Ive given up alcohol for good

January 8, 2014

You can blame the alcohol all you want. But, the alcohol didn't cause you to cheat. YOU caused you to cheat. You made a choice to be with another man. Alcohol had nothing to do with that. If the side effect of alcohol was cheating, then EVERYONE would be cheating.

This is called owning up to your own sh*t.

And also, please stop writing in text. Write in proper English because your posts are really hard to read.

January 8, 2014

yes strive i was nly dizzy cnt say drugged n da secnd day i jus stopd thinkin .. Emitionally i wasnt present n i tjot who cares abt da body. I jus wantd to b dun wid ths guy i guess cux i knew id neve see him again. Bt my bf says i was weak n cudnt say no evn wen we wr broken up.hes right ofcourse

Thnks all of u

Okay so now this all makes sense. Just read the above people, the break up had a lot more to do with just kissing the other guy. Here is a girl who does drugs and drinks, if you read her other posts she doesn't really spend too much time with the guy she is crying over, so OP, it's time to work on yourself.

Now back to all you guys and girls who say kissing or cheating is a big deal. Look at your situation, most of you guys were dumped and your ex has now moved on to another relationship. Tell me you didn't know that your ex had already line up that new person they are now with? Remember people leave relationship because in their minds they feel they can do better. Also, tell me you wouldn't take your ex back knowing that they've had sex with their new lover?????

So for those of you pedants out there who feel that kissing is such a big deal, why are you crying for your ex who is now sleeping with someone else, get real. You can lie on this forum but you can't lie to yourself. Very few people on this website are real, you guys state all these rules that you pretend to adhere to but your reality is quite different. Maybe a lot of you are young, just keeping it real. Oh and thanks for all those private messages from guys, yeah, PM anytime for advice, I am here for you.

OP, quit the drugs and booze, stop crying for your ex. You said it yourself, he didn't spend too much time with you, how do you know he wasn't cheating on you? You are 25, hit the gym, dress nice, stop the vices and you will be in a better place.

January 8, 2014

You can blame the alcohol all you want. But, the alcohol didn't cause you to cheat. YOU caused you to cheat. You made a choice to be with another man. Alcohol had nothing to do with that. If the side effect of alcohol was cheating, then EVERYONE would be cheating.

This is called owning up to your own sh*t.

And also, please stop writing in text. Write in proper English because your posts are really hard to read.

No i dont blame the alcohol. Im owning up to it. Any chance he might take me back after NC

January 8, 2014

Okay so now this all makes sense. Just read the above people, the break up had a lot more to do with just kissing the other guy. Here is a girl who does drugs and drinks, if you read her other posts she doesn't really spend too much time with the guy she is crying over, so OP, it's time to work on yourself.

Now back to all you guys and girls who say kissing or cheating is a big deal. Look at your situation, most of you guys were dumped and your ex has now moved on to another relationship. Tell me you didn't know that your ex had already line up that new person they are now with? Remember people leave relationship because in their minds they feel they can do better. Also, tell me you wouldn't take your ex back knowing that they've had sex with their new lover?????

So for those of you pedants out there who feel that kissing is such a big deal, why are you crying for your ex who is now sleeping with someone else, get real. You can lie on this forum but you can't lie to yourself. Very few people on this website are real, you guys state all these rules that you pretend to adhere to but your reality is quite different. Maybe a lot of you are young, just keeping it real. Oh and thanks for all those private messages from guys, yeah, PM anytime for advice, I am here for you.

OP, quit the drugs and booze, stop crying for your ex. You said it yourself, he didn't spend too much time with you, how do you know he wasn't cheating on you? You are 25, hit the gym, dress nice, stop the vices and you will be in a better place.

Thanks alphac. I know he wasnt cheating. He wasnt the kinds who would cheat. Bt then.. neither m i .. I really want him back. We can work out the other issues

Does anyone think i might still have a shot?

January 8, 2014

No i dont blame the alcohol. Im owning up to it. Any chance he might take me back after NC

NC is NOT a mechanism to get somebody back. It is a tool to get over someone.

If you hope to fix this, you have to get him to talk to you. You can try twice. Once right now & once in about a week after he's had the chance to cool off.

If he doesn't want to listen to your heartfelt apology, let it go. Chasing after him just makes you look crazy & desperate.

January 9, 2014

Ya i guess ill wait a while. If i try now ill go beserk n plead lik ive bn duin all these months.

Thnks

January 9, 2014

I M NEVER CHEATING AGAIN.. Ive given up alcohol for good

That's a good start because it's obvious you can't handle your alcohol. Sooner or later it will get you in more trouble.

January 10, 2014

I m desperate ppl i cant let go. Does a true apology warrant a second chance. Is the realisatiom worth nothing. I knw its irritatin to b harping on da same point again but i m reallt down today

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