Communication problems, is it me?

[jadetiger]

TLDR verion: I feel like my partner doesn't understand how I feel when we have arguments and I fear that these misunderstandings will tear us apart. What can I do to make him understand that even if I get upset at some of the things he does and says, I still love him?

 

For those who like to read a novel:

 

I've been with my partner for a little over three years now. We bought a house and moved in together in August last year. I'm starting to get frustrated at what I see as a lack of communication and understanding, and I get the feeling that he's getting sick of my "hissy fits" when I get upset.

 

Now, I put "hissy fit" in quotes because to my partner, if I make a little sigh after he tells me off, he calls it a "hissy fit". If I make a little groan, if I give him the angry stare, a frown, he calls all that a "hissy fit".

 

I was reading an article earlier today about how men label women crazy (On Labeling Women "Crazy" | Paging Dr. NerdLove) and I was thinking... replace the word "crazy" with "hissy fit". But that's a whole topic of it's own.

 

Because I am an introvert with no friends, I feel a little frustrated because this is the kind of thing you would talk and rant about with your friends. I looked into counselling, but it's all too pricey for me.

 

It could be something as minor as telling me off for leaving the kitchen light on (I was sitting in the lounge watching TV), and I argue back that he went to get himself something from the fridge earlier, he should've turned the light off, instead of leaving it on then telling me off for leaving it on.

 

I think he's being unreasonable, yelling at me for leaving on a light which he could've just as easily turned of himself. Am I not entitled to feel and look grumpy about that? He will then accuse me of making a fuss, call me careless and tell me to stop throwing a "hissy fit".

 

The thing I find most frustrating about our arguments is his attempt to make up is to put his face in my face and ask me to kiss him. He makes no attempt at all to acknowledge that I am upset and expect me to cheer up and kiss him right away. And when I don't kiss him after such an argument, he'll then say "So you don't love me any more?".

 

I know he loves me, so I interpret his behaviour as fearing that I don't like him and wanting to make up as soon as possible and get reassurance that I love him. But man... it's so annoying when he does that.

 

I have tried explaining to him how I feel, and that even if we argue, I still love him. I tried explaining that I am entitled to feel anger when he does something to make me angry. But he doesn't seem to get it. I even tried typing him a long e-mail explaining my feelings with examples, but that seemed to have no effect (and I know he checks his e-mail multiple times a day).

 

I think when he gets upset (because I'm "hissy fitting"), his ability to think rationally is diminished. He will often complain saying he doesn't like it when I get angry at him, and I would usually respond with "Then don't do anything to make me angry" because I'm sick of explaining my feelings over and over again to no avail. But he interprets this as "Oh? So I should do whatever you want? You think you're a princess or something?". But I just want the right to be angry, act angry, when I feel angry. I don't want him to feel that me being angry is the end of the world.

 

Another thing that irks me is when we argue, I get angry, and every now and then he pulls the "This is why I can't ask you to marry me" line. I would like to marry him some day, and it may seem old fashioned, but I think it should be the guy that proposes. I hate how he seems to use "marriage" or lack thereof as blackmail, as a weapon. It's like he's saying "Do what I say or else I don't marry you!".

 

I feel like whenever we argue, I remain relatively calm an logical. Despite that, I can't seem to make him understand how I feel. Also, English is not his first language, but he is fluent in English so I don't think that has too much of an effect, although there are times when he accuses me to using my mastery of the English language to my advantage.

 

Perhaps I am the one who is wrong here? Early on in the relationship, I used to bite my tongue and let things slide, but that just left me feeling resentful and frustrated. I want us to have a relationship where I don't need to restrict myself or hide my feelings. What can I do to make him understand?

[Philosoraptor]

Seems like you're both getting a little more emotional than necessary. The only way to disarm an emotional person is with solid logic.

 

When he starts making his passive aggressive statements simply state "Passive aggressiveness will not help remedy this situation. Let me know when you are ready to have an adult conversation so we can stop these patterns".

 

Perhaps once you've disarmed you two can have a real conversation and correct these issues rather than jabbing back and forth.

[Els]

How often do these spates happen? Did they only start after you'd moved in together, or before?

 

Have you tried talking to him about how you are (understandably) unhappy that he tries to minimize your feelings? Not about how 'you still love him', but rather about how his responses are making YOU feel hurt and frustrated. Then listen if he tries to explain and talk about why he does it or what bothers him. Basically, try and work on it together as a team, rather than him vs. you. And don't be afraid to talk about the real issue rather than skirting around it.

 

As a side note, what happens to the house if the two of you split up, according to your local laws?

[pinkie]

Maybe it's a 'culture clash'... the communication seems fine. The understanding and respect of the others' feelings seems to be what's missing to me. He sounds a bit manipulative. Like it's a tug of war... He wants you to do everything his way.. He doesn't feel he should do anything your way... 'what are you a princess or something?' Then he doesn't allow you the right to feel your emotions and deal with them in your timeframe.

 

Doesn't sound like a very healthy way to start off a 'marriage'. Goodluck with that.

[jadetiger]

Thanks for the replies, always feel a little nervous when I dip my toes into a new forum community.

 

Seems like you're both getting a little more emotional than necessary. The only way to disarm an emotional person is with solid logic.

 

I find myself with a shorter and shorter fuse each time he does the same thing to make me angry as a previous time. So maybe I am getting a little more emotional than necessary. I tried the logic thing, I think, but maybe I'm doing it wrong because he either doesn't get it, or accuses me of twisting English in my favour.

 

When he starts making his passive aggressive statements simply state "Passive aggressiveness will not help remedy this situation.

 

What I find is when I call out his behaviour for what it is, say passive aggressive, manipulative or misogynistic, he seems to not want to acknowledge it, like I said a dirty word that can't possibly apply to him. For example, I hate anal sex and I have made that absolutely clear, literally shouting "I hate it!". But every now and then he'll try to sneak it in. Early on in the relationship, I would call it what is is: rape. No means no. No, he's never actually done it against my wishes, I'd kick him in the nuts before it ever got that far. The very mention of the word seems to make him defensive. So now when he pulls that crap, I call him "butt pirate". He seems to not take personal criticism well and gets very defensive when I call out his negative behaviour. I genuinely believe that he doesn't have any ill will, I think it's more how his brain is wired, he can't seem to accept the idea that he may be doing something wrong.

 

How often do these spates happen? Did they only start after you'd moved in together, or before?

 

Before we moved in together, we lived at our respective parents' homes, which were a 40 minute drive away from one another. I feel like these spats are not really happening any more than before. But as I said before, the more often the exact same thing happens, the less tolerant I am.

 

Have you tried talking to him about how you are (understandably) unhappy that he tries to minimize your feelings? Not about how 'you still love him', but rather about how his responses are making YOU feel hurt and frustrated.

 

I've tried telling him how I feel, attempt to explain, and in the end I just go "You don't care about how I feel" which just gets me a denial; "Yes I do!". I don't know if I'm using the wrong words or he's just stuck thinking he can do no wrong.

 

As a side note, what happens to the house if the two of you split up, according to your local laws?

 

I don't know about local laws, but worst case scenario: I have no intention of taking any of his stuff, and that includes the house. The paperwork may say that it's half mine, but in the event of a complete relationship breakdown, he can have the house.

 

Maybe it's a 'culture clash'... the communication seems fine. The understanding and respect of the others' feelings seems to be what's missing to me. He sounds a bit manipulative. Like it's a tug of war... He wants you to do everything his way.. He doesn't feel he should do anything your way... 'what are you a princess or something?' Then he doesn't allow you the right to feel your emotions and deal with them in your timeframe.

 

Doesn't sound like a very healthy way to start off a 'marriage'. Goodluck with that.

 

Not too sure about the culture clash. He's from a European background, and I'm... Asian I guess? but having lived in Australia for most of my life, I feel that my "culture" is a mix of everything.

 

I do feel he is behaviour is manipulative, but I also feel that it's not something he is doing consciously. I don't know if this makes any difference, but apparently I'm the first girl he's ever been in a long term relationship with, whereas I had one serious online relationship in the past (lasted a little over two years, ended because I looked to the future and didn't like what I saw, that again is a whole other topic) so I think I am more able to recognise when things are going down a bad road and it makes me frustrated.

[Philosoraptor]

So he's both insecure and manipulative? The thing is he does have ill will and he is trying to make you feel bad in order to twist the situation into his favor. Instead of accepting his flaws and working on bettering himself he is taking the all too common lazy and selfish route of trying to make you out to be more flawed than him.

 

Funny thing is I was with someone just like this in a similar situation as an unmarried couple who owned a house. I eventually did allow myself to feel like the bad guy and lived in this emotionally abusive relationship for years. In the end she never could look her own issues in the face and instead went down the route of verbal abuse claiming I was controlling, manipulative, and abusive.

 

If you don't have a mortgage then getting out of the house is pretty simple if it comes down to that. If you have a mortgage though it can be a long process which will make finalizing the relationship that much harder as you will be forced to stay in communication. Hopefully you will not have to worry about that and you can help him understand and accept his flaws and insecurities before such a measure needs to be taken. But you should not put up with immature and manipulative actions.

[Els]

 

What I find is when I call out his behaviour for what it is, say passive aggressive, manipulative or misogynistic, he seems to not want to acknowledge it, like I said a dirty word that can't possibly apply to him. For example, I hate anal sex and I have made that absolutely clear, literally shouting "I hate it!". But every now and then he'll try to sneak it in. Early on in the relationship, I would call it what is is: rape. No means no. No, he's never actually done it against my wishes, I'd kick him in the nuts before it ever got that far. The very mention of the word seems to make him defensive. So now when he pulls that crap, I call him "butt pirate". He seems to not take personal criticism well and gets very defensive when I call out his negative behaviour. I genuinely believe that he doesn't have any ill will, I think it's more how his brain is wired, he can't seem to accept the idea that he may be doing something wrong.

 

I was going to give you advice on how to improve the communication, but after reading this... I really don't think you should. How can you live with and trust someone when he tries to 'sneak in' a sexual act that you have explicitly said you would not do? I don't know if I'd call it rape, but it is definitely incredibly disrespectful, inconsiderate, and just plain behaviour that should not be tolerated.

 

I feel you should leave this guy. Do you feel there are any good reasons for you to stay?

 

I don't know about local laws, but worst case scenario: I have no intention of taking any of his stuff, and that includes the house. The paperwork may say that it's half mine, but in the event of a complete relationship breakdown, he can have the house.

 

If you paid for half of the house, you should not just give it to him like that. If you live in Australia (as I noticed from your post), AFAIK you are recognized as being in a de facto relationship and when you split, assets are split according to the investment each person put into it. To be fair, I read this a while ago and am not certain, but you should look into it.

[jadetiger]

So he's both insecure and manipulative? The thing is he does have ill will and he is trying to make you feel bad in order to twist the situation into his favor. Instead of accepting his flaws and working on bettering himself he is taking the all too common lazy and selfish route of trying to make you out to be more flawed than him.

 

I wonder if he takes the lazy route because of his insecurity. Feels like he wants the argument to end as soon as possible because he imagines the worst case scenario.

 

He's always been paranoid about everything. We went to Thailand together last year for a holiday, I recommended getting vaccinations. He did his research online and it freaked the hell out of him. Malaria, typhoid, yellow fever, Japanese encephalitis... He almost wanted to cancel the trip, and I think he might have if I hadn't already paid for our flights and hotels. I tried reassuring him that I (and millions of other tourists) have travelled to Thailand multiple times and returned without malaria. He didn't find that reassuring at all. He got me to examine every bump and rash he got during the trip, he even spent a whole night crying because he found a relatively large bump on his back. I think it was just a normal mosquito bite or sweat rash.

 

I don't know if his insecurity is something that he will ever get over, or if I'm doing something to make him feel insecure. I can't help but feel a little insulted that he seems to have little faith in what I say. He constantly asks me if I love him and why. I give him the same answer each time. One of the things I says is that I love him because he's funny. He usually comes back with "But you never laugh at my jokes". My response to that is I rarely laugh. I watch my Seinfeld DVDs, I never laugh, but doesn't mean I don't find it funny.

 

I feel you should leave this guy. Do you feel there are any good reasons for you to stay?

 

That is something I have thought about. I've read and heard so many stories of women staying in unhealthy relationships, and I keep thinking how stupid those women are, and that I'd be smart enough to not let that happen to me.

 

There have been times when we argued, he asks me why I don't go back to my parents if I think he's such a bad guy (I have never told him that he's a bad guy). I was honest, I told him that I would feel ashamed to go home to my parents if we broke up, and that I would rather live on the streets than go back to my parents' house. But that is just one reason why I don't want to leave. Because I was upset at the time, I didn't feel like saying anything nice to him, I didn't feel like telling him that I love him and don't want to leave.

 

I keep hoping that things will change, that someday I will find a way to get through to him, or he will understand and trust what I say. I supposed that's what they (people in unhealthy relationships) all say. Am I foolish to think that this is an exception?

 

If you paid for half of the house, you should not just give it to him like that. If you live in Australia (as I noticed from your post), AFAIK you are recognized as being in a de facto relationship and when you split, assets are split according to the investment each person put into it. To be fair, I read this a while ago and am not certain, but you should look into it.

 

I haven't really paid for the house. He puts his salary towards the home loan repayments, and the deposit was paid using his savings. I pay for things like groceries, bills, pretty much everything else besides the home loan. If things did end between us, I wouldn't want the house, or any money from him. The way I see it, I entered the relationship with pretty much nothing, if things end, I intend to leave with nothing (except the stuff I had before of course, I have a huge DVD collection and a figurine collection worth thousands).

[Els]

 

 

That is something I have thought about. I've read and heard so many stories of women staying in unhealthy relationships, and I keep thinking how stupid those women are, and that I'd be smart enough to not let that happen to me.

 

There have been times when we argued, he asks me why I don't go back to my parents if I think he's such a bad guy (I have never told him that he's a bad guy). I was honest, I told him that I would feel ashamed to go home to my parents if we broke up, and that I would rather live on the streets than go back to my parents' house. But that is just one reason why I don't want to leave. Because I was upset at the time, I didn't feel like saying anything nice to him, I didn't feel like telling him that I love him and don't want to leave.

 

I keep hoping that things will change, that someday I will find a way to get through to him, or he will understand and trust what I say. I supposed that's what they (people in unhealthy relationships) all say. Am I foolish to think that this is an exception?

 

It does happen, people do mature. But much more often, nothing changes. You've been in this R for a long time now, and it has been the same ever since. How long are you going to wait for this non-guaranteed change before you cut your losses?

 

Regarding the bolded, IF you had somewhere to go and a place other than your parents' to stay, would you honestly consider leaving? If so, that answers everything that needs to be said. You might not be able to leave right away but you could start working towards it now. You have a job, could rent a place after saving up for a few months.

 

Are there are good points to this guy that you feel might offset the 'sneak anal in' crap?

 

I haven't really paid for the house. He puts his salary towards the home loan repayments, and the deposit was paid using his savings. I pay for things like groceries, bills, pretty much everything else besides the home loan. If things did end between us, I wouldn't want the house, or any money from him. The way I see it, I entered the relationship with pretty much nothing, if things end, I intend to leave with nothing (except the stuff I had before of course, I have a huge DVD collection and a figurine collection worth thousands).

Well, I get that you don't want to feel 'indebted' to him, but you've painted yourself into a bit of a corner here. You can't leave because you have nowhere else to go. You have nowhere else to go because of this arrangement that you made. Groceries + bills for two would be equivalent to half a home loan at the least, which would have offered you some security in the case of a breakup. The way it is now, you're trapped.

 

You need to try and find a way to save up a bit for an exit plan when the time comes.