longjourney Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Just to update, my WH and I are still in our home together. I did go to see an attorney and I have put half of our money into a new separate account. My WH still says he wants to do the work on our M and that he loves me. But to me, love by default (since the OW told him not to contact her again and she that she is staying with her BH) is not real love. I realize that something in me broke. It didn't break on DDay. I realize it broke about a year or so before DDay when I started suspecting him and the OW and I would ask him and he would deny it, made me feel like I was insane for even thinking it. I walked around with a sick feeling in my stomach that ENTIRE time. I started to crack then. When DDay finally came, I realize I was not completely shocked, but having to face the fact that my WH had been lying to me for our ENTIRE MARRIAGE, that cracked me even further. And then we have our second DDay, which shattered me completely, when I realized that he was stilli in contact with OW, that he had gotten a second phone which I asked him about after the initial DDay REPEATIDLY and he denied AGAIN and AGAIN. He SWORE there wasn't one. HE SWORE ON OUR MARRIAGE AND OUR CHILDREN!!! He watched me fall apart EVERY MINUTE of EVERY day, and he was STILL lying to my face. And now I am to believe the words he says? I have read about LTAs. They ARE a different animal. Some say the LOVE feelings are NOT real, but GODDAMIT my WH did and does love her. He loved her before I even existed. He has told me he did, but now he is saying he loves me too. That "too" is the problem with that sentence, there should be NO too. So I have faced the reality that my WH loves another woman, he has for YEARS. A part of him was hers when we said our vows. FOR GODS SAKE HER AND HER BH WERE AT OUR WEDDING!!! He has made love to her, talked with her, involved her in his life as deeply as he could, without getting caught. He wanted to leave me for her. He would have, I know that. But I do know that since he got caught, he looks like the bad guy, and now that he is not sure of his standing with HER, he is sticking like GLUE to me. YUCK!!! How can I accept that? So as I was saying, hindsight. I did have signs, signs I chose to ignore. For one, I did feel the tension when they were in the same room. It was palpable. I should have known, and actually I guess I did. Also that DAMN social media AGAIN. His FB page was completely VOID of me, actually it STILL is. I look at his brother's and closest friend's pages, all of them REPEATIDLY have profile pictures of them and their wives/girlfriends. There are funny/friendly posts between them. My WH NEVER. He and the OW were friends on FB. He has told me that they IM on there late at night, lets just add that to the HUNDREDS OF TEXTS PER DAY that they shared FOR YEARS. I did question him at one point and he gave me an excuse, an excuse that my mind CHOSE to believe. And lastly, that GUT feeling of mine that I had for YEARS that he and the OW were a better match then he and I. I could see them compatible physically, sexually, and personally on almost EVERY level. The only thing I had that he wanted/wants more is that we have a child together, so he will "make it work", but I KNOW that he wants and wishes he could have her. He won't admit it because he doesn't want to "hurt" me. Isn't that laughable. So I haven't filled out any divorce papers yet, in truth, I am afraid. For now, we are not divorcing. My biggest fear, is that I find they are STILL talking/together and I STILL won't be strong enough to walk away completely. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Pay your attorney his retainer and ask him to file your paperwork. 3
Author longjourney Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 Pay your attorney his retainer and ask him to file your paperwork. Thank you for responding to my post again BetrayedH. A retainer is $5000, more then what I can do right now. I went for a free consultation. And from what I am hearing, that retainer is NON REFUNDABLE, NONE of it, even if I just have paperwork filed and then don't go through with it. That retainer is also only the beginning of what it will cost to go through with the divorce. Half of me is thinking financially to sit and lay low and wait until we are married for 10 years, this way I am guaranteed half of my WHs pension/benefits/retirement. How's that for looking out for number one. We all have our reasons for staying in a bad marriage, until it benefits us anyway. 1
experiencethedevine Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Thank you for responding to my post again BetrayedH. A retainer is $5000, more then what I can do right now. I went for a free consultation. And from what I am hearing, that retainer is NON REFUNDABLE, NONE of it, even if I just have paperwork filed and then don't go through with it. That retainer is also only the beginning of what it will cost to go through with the divorce. Half of me is thinking financially to sit and lay low and wait until we are married for 10 years, this way I am guaranteed half of my WHs pension/benefits/retirement. How's that for looking out for number one. We all have our reasons for staying in a bad marriage, until it benefits us anyway. Your anger and disappointment not only with your husband but with yourself is palpable longjourney, and I am so sorry you are suffering such agony. I can understand being in a situation where finances are a considerable issue regarding divorce settlement and so on, but more to the point, I believe you would be doing yourself a great disservice to consider staying because of it. It will eventually erode your self sesteem, weaken you beyond recognition of yourself and let everyone around you see you slowly wither until you are a shadow of who you once were. You really are worthy of so much more. Try to see if there is anyone you are connected to who can offer you sound financial advice and direction in the first instance, and go out and find something to do that has nothing to do with your husband/children/family. Take a friend and join a dance class once a week. Try to find peace and sanity in something unconnected, believe me, it really will offer you some release and relief from the burden of 'knowing'. 1
tiredofitall2 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Thank you for responding to my post again BetrayedH. A retainer is $5000, more then what I can do right now. I went for a free consultation. And from what I am hearing, that retainer is NON REFUNDABLE, NONE of it, even if I just have paperwork filed and then don't go through with it. That retainer is also only the beginning of what it will cost to go through with the divorce. Half of me is thinking financially to sit and lay low and wait until we are married for 10 years, this way I am guaranteed half of my WHs pension/benefits/retirement. How's that for looking out for number one. We all have our reasons for staying in a bad marriage, until it benefits us anyway. where do you live? That's crazy. My entire D was 1,500! Well LJ, you need to do what you feel is right for you. What will allow you to live a life where you feel loved unconditionally and exclusively. You know what is said here. Only take a WS that shows true remorse and is fighting for you and the M with tooth and nails. If not move on as the risk of the WS straying again is very high. You don't deserved to be hurt again. Love? Probably not. Real love is based on real life experiences. A are based on "fantasy land". Lust, of course. Yes, people can love more than one person. Is it right? Not if you didn't agree to that. It is not right in my book, but I cannot impose my believes on anyone.
Steadfast Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 That's too much. Hire a paralegal to draw the forms and fill them out with your demands, then have WH sign and file. The state will determine child support with the standard wage scale and custody agreement, if applicable. The total cost should only be a percentage of what you were quoted. You don't need an attorney if your husband hasn't retained one. You don't need an attorney if the paperwork is uncontested. If your H balks at this and threatens to hire one, remind him he'll pay for his attorney AND yours if the judge rules in your favor. That's likely too, given his long term history. Wash this lying loser out of your life and move on. There is no other option. 3
Jenga Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I'm sorry you are going through this. What exactly are you afraid of in regards to filing for a divorce? Maybe a good way to think about it would be to instead start being afraid of the toll staying with this person will take on your soul, your self esteem, and your mental health. That is a much bigger price to pay than being alone temporarily, or any attorney's fees or financial hardship. Change is scary and can be difficult, I truly am sorry for the situation you are in. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I'd file. Usually I don't push or advocate divorce so quickly but seeing as 2 DDays happened and both times he lied, denied and gas lighted you over and over again. He doesn't seem remorseful, that is a tell right there.. Some times a marriage isn't worth saving because the person who cheated isn't worth it. I am sorry for all that you've gone through and still going through but just know that you'll pull out of this stronger and wiser with the help of counseling. Please don't let him ruin you. He is messed up, has continually made bad choices..that's all on him. 2
RightThere Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 And don't feel bad for "missing the signs." I too was duped for years by my STBXW. For a while I was really hard on myself about it, but I realize two things now about it. 1) The signs were there, but I gave my trust to my STBXW and she abused it beyond belief. When you marry someone, you expect them to give you the same love and trust you give to them. Lying is actually really easy. And when you do it to someone who believes you without question, it becomes a great way to abuse your power. 2) The signs were around you, but it was because they were cheating! You're not a detective so you shouldn't be looking for reasons that they were cheating. A common fault people try to pin on the BS is that they should have seen the signs. NO! They shouldn't have been cheating which left signs everywhere. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I agree with Steadfast. That retainer is too high and non-refundable, too? Time to consult another attorney. My retainer was $1500 and refundable. My divorce cost around $5k total and a lot of that was because we needed a third party mediator/attorney (our divorce was not amiable). I borrowed from family but if you do that, make sure you sign a promissory note with whomever lent you the money so it counts as a debt for you in the divorce. Look up free divorce services and see what you can file on your own. Steadfast is also right that your H might have to pay for both attorneys. But definitely don't let this first setback keep you in the marriage. There are other options. Whether you go to court to get more than you can get in a settlement is a legit conversation (from a financial standpoint) but don't stay in the marriage over money. 3
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 MOve out with your child. Staying there is like acting like everything is fine and he is fine. Only my opinion because I am so pissed for you! Gah!He had no intention of ending anything. He just thought he could keep getting away with it because he always had been able to. Don't let him do that anymore. Be strong You are WORTH more than his disrespect.If you don't believe that then at least believe your child is. Thank you for responding to my post again BetrayedH. A retainer is $5000, more then what I can do right now. I went for a free consultation. And from what I am hearing, that retainer is NON REFUNDABLE, NONE of it, even if I just have paperwork filed and then don't go through with it. That retainer is also only the beginning of what it will cost to go through with the divorce. Half of me is thinking financially to sit and lay low and wait until we are married for 10 years, this way I am guaranteed half of my WHs pension/benefits/retirement. How's that for looking out for number one. We all have our reasons for staying in a bad marriage, until it benefits us anyway. 1
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 I just want to clarify that I meant to be encouraging, not bossy. Sorry about that. I'm not in your situation, I don't mean to sound like a know it all.
compulsivedancer Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I think with a LTA like this one, it's not worth it. You will never know where his heart is. I doubt he will ever be able to make it up to you, and if he truly loves her, he may never be able to truly give her up. I think it is possible to love two people at the same time. But by never giving you a choice and never telling you what was going on, he told you that she was more important to him than you were. I'm not sure that it's possible for him to make that up to you now. If you truly think you two have a shot, stay. Otherwise, seek other options to leave. It is not worth staying for the money. 1
harrybrown Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I do not know what state you are in, but I did help my son file for his divorce. His ex wife was dating someone from work, etc. A lot of other stuff also. I am not an attorney. I got the forms, filed them out and he is divorced. He is doing so much better now. It was not good for him to have to be around her.
Spark1111 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 LJ.....my heart breaks for you. I think you are realizing you were always his default choice, you were settled for, convenient, married because she was NOT available....and you never wanted to believe it because you loved the man and hope he would grow to love you more than her, but he didn't. you have been fighting a fantasy, a ghost of what could have been and you are throwing in the gloves. I do not blame you at ALL. But HOW painful a realization after all these years.. I could not have successfully reconciled if I did not know in my heart that my FWS loved and adored me despite the rubbish he spouted after DDAy. I could not have been his default choice, the one he settled for.... I think it is time to say buh-bye....at least for now. You DESERVE to be first in someone's life. Always be first in YOUR life. Say good bye and separate.....or you will NEVER have peace of mind, heart and soul. you will always feel second best to the one who got away, the one he couldn't land, his xGF OW. that is no way to live. you cannot compete nor fight with a fantasy with "what could have been." sTOP trying to....TOD AY.
TheBladeRunner Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 And lastly, that GUT feeling of mine that I had for YEARS that he and the OW were a better match then he and I. I could see them compatible physically, sexually, and personally on almost EVERY level. The only thing I had that he wanted/wants more is that we have a child together, so he will "make it work", but I KNOW that he wants and wishes he could have Wow OP! Chills up my spine with this comment in bold; mine wanted another child after she came clean about the first EA. What is it with people (men and woman) that are WS's and thinking that a child will make it better? I have one and she is great, glad I dodged the bullet w/ NOT having a second. No external force will "make it work", they have to do it on their own. Good luck OP!
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