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Am I insane for wanting to be wined and dined?

chicaboom

By chicaboom
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Phoe Established Member

Phoe

Posted
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Oh man...

 

My boyfriend is the most chivalrous and romantic man I have ever met. And oh GOD does it confuse me sometimes.

 

 

I am not accustomed to it, and have never NEEDED it. I have always been happy paying in past relationships.

 

 

But he will have none of it. And we've actually bickered about it. He pays for EVERYTHING. My attempts at trying to pay get nowhere. DENIED. Hell, I took him out for his birthday and I quickly grabbed the bill when it came, and he went to grab it too, and he actually wrestled it out of my hand. I just about shouted at him lol. HIS birthday and he won't let me pay. Won't let me spoil him the way he spoils me. He says I spoil him just fine in other ways without money, that he makes plenty and I don't need to be spending my money. I'll counter back saying "Well babe, I have a job and make money too, you don't need to be spending YOUR money!" he responds saying "But your money is your money, spend it on things you like, not on me." So I got a bit sassy and said "Ok, my money is my money, and your money is OUR money? That sounds so reasonable babe." - he told me to stop being so smart and logical and to just shut up and kiss him, haha.

 

 

I can't even open my own car door. I am under no circumstances allowed to touch the car's door handle haha. Whether I am driver, passenger, we drove together, separately, I'm arriving or leaving, I must wait until he comes to open my door. Once I got a bit sassy, opened the door, got out, closed it and locked it, and bolted 20 feet down the parking lot before he could get to me. He chased me down shouting "HOW DARE YOU!", grabbed me and kissed me, and reprimanded me for my disobedience :)

 

 

I'm still struggling to get used to the chivalrous things he does. While they do make me feel special, I still have that nagging thought in my head of "But I can do these things myself! I am capable, I am strong both mentally and physically, and I am capable of doing these things for HIM too, why won't he let me?" - I figure it's time to stop questioning, let him do these things that make him happy, show my appreciation, show him everyday that yes, it does make me feel special, but never never EVER "expect" any of it or make him feel obligated.

 

 

I think there will always be that small part of me that might bicker a bit sometimes over it, or try to wrestle the bill away every now and then, or be sassy and have him chase me through the parking lot after opening my own door... he knows I'm a handful, I think he wouldn't have it any other way.

  • Like 4
Grumpybutfun Established Member

Grumpybutfun

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THEN you better be prepared to show him your thanks.

 

In other words, if a woman expects me to pay for everything, then I would expect sex in return.

 

Which of course is nothing more than legal prostitution.

 

Make sure you are very transparent about this expectation. This is not a universal idea.

 

Wow, just wow. :mad:

G

  • Like 10
Phoe Established Member

Phoe

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I always open the car door, all doors, etc. I thought it was adorable when my ex gf started to open my drivers door for me, from withinside the car, as I walked around to get in after opening and closing her door. She always tried to time it just right so the door would not close back on her. Small thing, but it meant a lot.

 

I'm gonna do that for him :) He will probably tell me to stop, but it'll get a smile out of him I'm sure.

 

 

My boyfriend gets himself all worked up over the car door haha. I'm getting used to not opening mine, but sometimes out of habit when we pull up somewhere I just go to get out, pull the handle and start opening the door. He says "You better stop and shut that door, don't you dare get out of this car." LOL I sit there with my hands folded in my lap all prim and proper to keep myself from grabbing the door handle.

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Phoe Established Member

Phoe

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I take notes in my phone about what my now fiancee likes and never have to ask her where she wants to go or what she wants for Christmas/Birthday/etc. Most people mention little things all the time about what they enjoy... just have to pay attention.

 

Awww, that is great.

 

 

Guys, great way to make a girl feel special, is making it known that you heard what she said. You listen when she talks. Even when she's talking about nothing.

 

 

I ramble about nonsense and BLESS my boyfriend he still takes in every word of it.

 

 

I offhandedly mentioned once, that I can get addicted to dried mangoes. One of my Christmas presents was a hiking backpack (DUUUUDE it's legit) filled with stuff. MANGOES were in there. I was stunned.

  • Like 3
FineFreshFierce Member

FineFreshFierce

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No you are not insane. I am going through a related situation, and have been pulling away.. and he's wondering why. I didn't tell him why, I didn't realize that this what's the issue until I thought about it. There was just something telling me he didn't care enough and this is it. So please update us on what you tell him, and how he responds.

darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

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you are not in love, if you were, you would not be demanding dining but would be thrilled to know him, you sound expensive, and even a bit spoiled

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GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

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I've just started seeing someone and I really like him, but I am extremely annoyed with the fact that he has never actually paid entirely for any of our dates, and didn't come and pick me up during our last date.

 

Before you attack me, let me say that we always split the bills on the date, and I don't really mind, but in the beginning I guess I would like some romance and chivalry...is it crazy for me to want him to take me out-in all sense of the phrase (e.g., pick me up, pay for dinner) essentially wine and dine me!!!

 

I know people will post about gender equality and feminist movement..which I am all for, but I don't think chivalry and feminism have to be in contention with one another. To me, they are completely different things.

 

I feel a bit shallow about this but it does bother me. I am of the mindset that if I guy really likes you and wants you he will go to the moon and back, or just pay for dinner the first few times. Not even our first date did he do that, we split the bill!

 

Is this dump worthy???

 

Insane? No

High Maintenance? yes

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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Make sure you are very transparent about this expectation. This is not a universal idea.

 

Wow, just wow. :mad:

G

 

Of course I would.

 

If a woman expects me to pay for absolutely everything, then I expect her to pay me back.

 

Obviously this is all avoided if I'm with a woman who doesn't expect me completely treat her every single time.

Frank2thepoint Established Member

Frank2thepoint

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The whole 'who pays' thing seems to be a hot-button issue here, and I'm still scratching my head trying to figure out why.

 

It's a hot-button issue because some women expect it, while many men are complaining about the expectation. It also continues to be a hot-button issue because many men are providing the feedback that it's not fair to expect it, and some women continue ignoring that feedback.

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Frank2thepoint Established Member

Frank2thepoint

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Ah! Those posts are made by guys who don't have any money. :laugh:

 

And here's an example of the expectation.

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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chickaboom, I get what you are saying. It's not about money. It's about feeling special. Being swept away.

 

We may be feminists these days who want equal pay and all, but we still grew up on fairy tales. A strong man rescuing a woman who needs him. A prince pulling a woman up onto his horse and riding away with her.

 

I don't think guys realize that when we first start practicing kissing our pillows in our early teens, we are fantasizing not about a penis or someone with hot abs, but a guy who sweeps us away. Who shows us with no question how he feels and how special and desirable we are. Who makes us feel like a WOMAN.

 

A guy getting the check isn't about getting a free $40 dinner. It's about being swept away. It's about starry-eyed romance.

 

And chickaboom, you aren't out of line holding out for that. And your guy's lack of effort and porn addiction issues are enough of a reason to stop seeing him in my opinion.

  • Like 6
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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One thing I want to point out is that my ex never expected me to pay for everything.

 

If we went out to dinner and the total was over $30 we'd usually split the bill.

 

Though if we ever went out for gelato or something like that, I would just pay for both of us.

 

She made it clear that she did not expect me to take care of her.

  • Like 1
Phoe Established Member

Phoe

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Of course I would.

 

If a woman expects me to pay for absolutely everything, then I expect her to pay me back.

 

Obviously this is all avoided if I'm with a woman who doesn't expect me completely treat her every single time.

 

The big difference though, is between couples where these things are EXPECTED and couples where both parties WANT to do these things.

 

 

My boyfriend WANTS to pay for me. He wants to treat me and spoil me. I don't expect him to do so.

 

 

I WANT to have sex with him. I WANT to give him blowjobs and rub his back and put him to sleep at night. He does not expect these things.

 

 

Take away us spoiling each other and we still are left with a wonderful relationship. We respect, adore, and trust each other, we enjoy each other's company. We have a connection. There's a strong base there that makes the spoiling just extra special icing on the cake. If his finances took a hit and he could no longer pay for things, or I had sickness or injury that took me out of the sexual running, there'd still be awesomeness there for us.

 

 

So yes, when you take away the strong foundation and try to build a relationship that is solely about the man paying for dates and the woman giving sex, then yes, like you said, you now have a simplified form of prostitution.

 

 

How depressing...

  • Like 7
pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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So yes, when you take away the strong foundation and try to build a relationship that is solely about the man paying for dates and the woman giving sex, then yes, like you said, you now have a simplified form of prostitution.

 

 

How depressing...

 

I agree. Phoe, your new guy sounds great, at least in regard to this.

  • Like 1
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
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The big difference though, is between couples where these things are EXPECTED and couples where both parties WANT to do these things.

 

 

My boyfriend WANTS to pay for me. He wants to treat me and spoil me. I don't expect him to do so.

 

 

I WANT to have sex with him. I WANT to give him blowjobs and rub his back and put him to sleep at night. He does not expect these things.

 

 

Take away us spoiling each other and we still are left with a wonderful relationship. We respect, adore, and trust each other, we enjoy each other's company. We have a connection. There's a strong base there that makes the spoiling just extra special icing on the cake. If his finances took a hit and he could no longer pay for things, or I had sickness or injury that took me out of the sexual running, there'd still be awesomeness there for us.

 

 

So yes, when you take away the strong foundation and try to build a relationship that is solely about the man paying for dates and the woman giving sex, then yes, like you said, you now have a simplified form of prostitution.

 

 

How depressing...

Exactly, there is a huge difference between wanting to do something and doing something because it is demanded/expected.

 

I could never be with a woman who expects me pay for everything.

 

I've just started reading the book, "The 5 Love Languages" and it is completely fascinating.

 

One of the love languages is Giving/Receiving Gifts. Some people show their love for others by giving gifts or buying things. In regards to the receiving side, some people feel loved if their partner buys them things on a regular basis and it doesn't matter how large or small the gift is. It's the thought that counts.

  • Like 1
Ok Good Established Member

Ok Good

Posted
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Explore his views. I think the precedent should be set at the very beginning and I usually ask men how they view "the role of a man and role of a woman" in a relationship/courtship. .

 

this ^ is a very helpful perspective for me, just sayin

 

imagine if we could clarify expectations right up front?

we'd save alot of misery!

 

I've just started dating a guy

and I'm going to ask him that question!

he insisted we split dinner on NYE!!

 

never happened to me before

and since the date was also sloppily planned

I was floored!

but I paid...

 

his financial status is now an important data point for me

  • Like 2
FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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If a man expected me to meet him somewhere and have a meal together but always split the check, I'd assume he was only interested in platonic friendship. That's what platonic friends of both sexes do.

 

Nothing to do with being lavishly "wined and dined" or the amount of money spent or not spent.

 

Before you agree to meet him again, talk on the phone about what type of relationship he is seeking with a woman.

  • Like 4
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chicaboom Established Member

chicaboom

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Then that's a whole different thread. "Not sure he is fully interested in me," followed by the reasons you feel he isn't interested in you.

 

That is a legitimate concern and if there are several reasons for feeling that way, that's different.

 

But your OP and some of the posts following felt like you were trying to find a PC way of saying you want to dump this guy because he isn't paying for dates and is instead, going halves.

 

going halves on every date to me indicates something about a guy, one being lack of chivalry and lack of effort.

 

I knew ppl were going to misunderstand my post but I'm glad that I have got some good advice from those that understood me

  • Like 2
Debanked Established Member

Debanked

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OP I hear where you are coming from. IMHO you gotta pay to play. I don't think your wanting a guy to treat you is unreasonable. But then again I'm old-fashioned.

  • Like 1
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chicaboom Established Member

chicaboom

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Exactly, there is a huge difference between wanting to do something and doing something because it is demanded/expected.

 

I could never be with a woman who expects me pay for everything.

 

I've just started reading the book, "The 5 Love Languages" and it is completely fascinating.

 

One of the love languages is Giving/Receiving Gifts. Some people show their love for others by giving gifts or buying things. In regards to the receiving side, some people feel loved if their partner buys them things on a regular basis and it doesn't matter how large or small the gift is. It's the thought that counts.

 

We don't want men to pay for everything, but I personally would want a man who would WANT to impress me, show me a good time, and want me to like him, whether that means paying for the first few dates or planning something that doesn't cost anything!

 

I don't think people understand chivalry anymore and ya ppl are going to quote my original post bc perhaps it was worded incorrectly but honestly this thread is more about chivalry than money. And why is it such a big deal if I do expect a man to pay for my dinner on the first date(s)? Why is that seen as superficial?? what happened to wanting to take a woman out and being a gentleman? I really don't get why some ppl are so thrown by this idea? it doesn't show that you are rich or not and most women don't give a **** about that anyways bc we are all self-efficient and independent now. Ugh it really shows to me how dead chivalry really is!!!

  • Like 1
soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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Ugh it really shows to me how dead chivalry really is!!!

 

Chivalry is not dead. Crimey, I don't know why you ladies don't meet more guys that are more traditional. I mean, all the male (heterosexual) peers around me, my brother, friends are the type to pay for a woman's meal.

 

We pay until we get to know our SOs very well and then a little give and take is appreciated.

  • Like 4
Keenly Established Member

Keenly

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going halves on every date to me indicates something about a guy, one being lack of chivalry and lack of effort.

 

I knew ppl were going to misunderstand my post but I'm glad that I have got some good advice from those that understood me

 

To preface this, I always insist on paying.

 

However I find it interesting that to you, 50% is not enough effort for you.

 

When I read your posts it gives me the impression that the real problem is you don't want to put in 50% . Instead you want your percentage to be lower, if anything ( thus making his higher ).

 

This is the way its coming across to me.

 

A woman that happily accepts me paying for her, awesome.

 

A woman that leaves for the date EXPECTING me to foot the bill, enormous turn off.

 

 

Let's relate it to sex. Most ladies these days can be convinced or seduced to have sex between 1 and 3 dates. Assuming the guy / circumstances are right.

 

So guy A leaves his place for the date thinking he COULD get lucky tonight.

Guy B leaves EXPECTING to get into your pants that night.

 

Which one is the scumbag? Its similar to how I see it.

  • Like 2
Debanked Established Member

Debanked

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OP some of the comments are harsh. Ignore them. If a guy is interested in you, he'll have no problem offering to pay or pick you up. If not, he's probably not that interested and is more/less feeling you out. Or, is just plain cheap and/or clueless. A lot of guys are, because they grow up around fathers that are cheap and/or clueless.

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Eau Claire Established Member

Eau Claire

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When I read comments by some guys on sex, I appreciate my man all the more...confident, respectful and mature.

 

I'll keep him

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chicaboom Established Member

chicaboom

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Then tell him.

 

If you don't care about how much the thing is then I see no problem with him treating you.

 

BTW, have you treated him for anything yet? Offered to buy coffee for the both of you, stuff like that?

 

Yes I have treated him to a movie:)

  • Like 1
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