Am I insane for wanting to be wined and dined?

January 8, 2014

Another time he paid for my meal and when I offered money he said "you can buy me a drink".

It's really not about the money it's the gesture..

This contradicts your original post, in which you claim he has never ENTIRELY paid for a date. It's a perfectly normal and reasonable response to 'let' you pick up a drink later, after he has grabbed the tab and refused your money.

So, you wanted to be picked up, paid for, the whole works. Maybe this type of romance would be better suited for when you are exclusive?

Again, do you know his financial situation? How does he treat you otherwise? What would impress you besides 'gestures' that involve the spending of money?

January 8, 2014

So you're saying he did buy your meal? Sounds like he did make a gesture.

So in 5 dates he paid for one, so that means he's paid your way 20% of the time. What percentage is enough to make you feel that he cares?

You know, I think it's in part about not making it seem like you are tracking every little penny spent. I feel if a guy is kind to me, (e.g., silently interjects and covers the cost of a coffee/meal/ticket) I am damn well going to be kind (financially or otherwise) back. If he is mean with his time, emotions or money then it feels like he's wary of the world and being used - it puts up my guard and makes me think his priority is himself and he genuinely doesn't care about my feelings.

January 8, 2014

it's not the only thing that is a dealbreak tbh...there are other major things such as his addiction to porn and his ED issues lol. I really like him otherwise and feel like I've given it a good chance and maybe now I am finding other reasons to end things.

again thiough is not the money... I think chivalry is dead I can absolutely pay for my dinner his dinner the whole restaurant'a dinner if I wanted, but that one tiny gesture from a date that "I know you can pay, but I actually would like to treat you because I like you" says a lot I think to women or some women. It's just nice to be wined and dined and made to feel special. It's not about how much money he spends on me.

Well this thread was about how you feel he doesn't care because he doesn't pay your way.

Chivalry isn't dead. There are a ton of actions that make one chivalrous and opening the wallet isn't close to the top of that list.

But yea, the porn addiction is a true issue here.

January 8, 2014

Look, OP, you're obviously not interested in this guy. It's pretty clear from the way you talk about him. In that case, you would do both yourself and him a disservice by trying to make yourself stay just because of what others say. If there are this many issues 5 dates in, it does not bode well for the R at all. Nip it in the bud and seek others who are more compatible.

January 8, 2014

He paid for one, but expected me to pay for the next part of the date-drinks. So he only paid expecting to get compensated for the next part. Couldn't he have said "don't worry about it?" And leave it at that?

Nevermind, if you expect that dating involves 'compensating'.

Yea, just nevermind.

January 8, 2014

He paid for one, but expected me to pay for the next part of the date-drinks. So he only paid expecting to get compensated for the next part. Couldn't he have said "don't worry about it?" And leave it at that?

Because you offered to pay! Are you not used to taken seriously?

To be honest, I would have started a thread on his porn addiction or his ED if I was concerned. Those things seem to be a million times more important than his accepting your offer to buy a drink.

I think OP that you have your priorities the wrong way round. Quite significantly so.

January 8, 2014

He paid for one, but expected me to pay for the next part of the date-drinks. So he only paid expecting to get compensated for the next part. Couldn't he have said "don't worry about it?" And leave it at that?

"Another time he paid for my meal and when I offered money he said "you can buy me a drink"."

Seems more like you offered and rather than making a rejection statement he deferred it to something else.

January 8, 2014

He's probably just progressive. Feminism killed chivalry.

As a guy you just don't know if you can hold the door open anymore without getting scolded. We just don't know anymore.

Now this guy wants to split the bill, and it is not good either. At least he is willing to take the middle road.

Long story short, look at the guy for what he is. Is he kind, interesting, and charming? As long as you are not the sole investor (financially) during these dates, I'd say, welcome to modern dating.

You're not being friendzoned are ya?

January 8, 2014

OP, I tell men I date that I prefer if we find things that are cheap or free to do while we are getting to know each other.

I've never made a man's willingness to pay for me a dealbreaker...

I'm more interested in the care he takes in planning a date, how attentive he is in that date and subsequent dates, and our mutual rapport.

I just started OLD again and met someone for the first time last weekend. We met at the local state park to do some snowshoeing and ice skating. Without telling me in advance, he got there early and scoped out the conditions and the best place for skating (there are two rinks). He had brought lawn chairs, and set them up for us. We had a really good time.

Cost = $0 (although we did go to Wendy's afterward since I was starving... I'd also ran 10 miles with my running group that morning!). Yes, I pulled out my wallet when I ordered, but he insisted on paying for my salad and cup of chili, haha.

My advice? loosen up. There are lots of things to do that require effort that are cheap or free... and say a lot more about him as a person than plunking down $$ on someone he hardly knows.

I wouldn't do it... so I can't expect guys to do it either...

Oh, and what did I bring to the table, you may ask? I rode the bus the hour it took to get there... and brought some chocolate covered bacon and salted caramel/dark chocolate I'd made special the night before. Yes, I said chocolate covered bacon. It's amazing!

WOW!!!!! wait that was a first date??v ok see I would have loved that. There hasn't been any effort on his part, not really. All our dates he always asks me out but then sort of leaves the decision as to where we should go up to me.

I guess through discussing this on this board I have my answer. The lack of effort is really the issue here for me and although he's not bad...it's not enough for me:(

January 8, 2014

it's not the only thing that is a dealbreak tbh...there are other major things such as his addiction to porn and his ED issues lol. I really like him otherwise and feel like I've given it a good chance and maybe now I am finding other reasons to end things.

again thiough is not the money... I think chivalry is dead I can absolutely pay for my dinner his dinner the whole restaurant'a dinner if I wanted, but that one tiny gesture from a date that "I know you can pay, but I actually would like to treat you because I like you" says a lot I think to women or some women. It's just nice to be wined and dined and made to feel special. It's not about how much money he spends on me.

ok, what are some other ways a guy could show he cares and is interested in you besides $$?

Because I set a very high bar on care... and a guy putting effort into getting to know me. I just think it has zero to do with money.

I know lots of people who have more money than time, and they throw their money around to leave the impression they care when plenty of times they really don't.

Maybe it's because I was once married to 'old money' and have also had to work extremely hard in life (I grew up poor) that I can see both how worthless it is in defining character... and also how important it is that it is spent wisely.

Think about it.

January 8, 2014

Because you offered to pay! Are you not used to taken seriously?

To be honest, I would have started a thread on his porn addiction or his ED if I was concerned. Those things seem to be a million times more important than his accepting your offer to buy a drink.

I think OP that you have your priorities the wrong way round. Quite significantly so.

Lol I did start a thread on that... And have spent hours researching it.

January 8, 2014

Lol I did start a thread on that... And have spent hours researching it.

Pleased to hear that. You have communication issues, addiction issues, etc....

January 8, 2014

Edited: I just saw your above post. We were writing at the same time

Yes, if you are feeling or seeing a lack of effort, then that would be a concern to me too. Yes, this was a first meeting.

January 8, 2014

I guess that's where my issue lies. I understand that it can be expensive for guys to date in the way that I would like to date, but it shows a bit of "I really like you!" And is so romantic and shows to me that not only does he like me and wants to show me a good time but that he wants ME to like him.

Based on your explanation to me it seems like he isn't that into me, which is not what I want at all.

Also we've been now on 5 dates and all of them we have split the bill. So it isn't just a first date thing.

As for ending things I will just tell him I like to be wined and dined and perhaps we're not on the same page dating wise which also says to me we may not be on the same page relationship wise.

what does everyone else think?

I think this is a bad idea.

You shouldn't force a man into a corner to express any concerns. I think it will be more tactful to actually ask him about this without making ultimatums. But then I saw this:

it's not the only thing that is a dealbreak tbh...there are other major things such as his addiction to porn and his ED issues lol. I really like him otherwise and feel like I've given it a good chance and maybe now I am finding other reasons to end things.

again thiough is not the money... I think chivalry is dead I can absolutely pay for my dinner his dinner the whole restaurant'a dinner if I wanted, but that one tiny gesture from a date that "I know you can pay, but I actually would like to treat you because I like you" says a lot I think to women or some women. It's just nice to be wined and dined and made to feel special. It's not about how much money he spends on me.

How old are you?

Have you ever been in a long term relationship before?

How often do you date?

It seems as though you've been left in the dark and never really learned how to choose a spouse. You struggle to even share with us what you think about him as a person despite being asked. You even say or do one thing, such as offer money, when you secretly did not want to! Do people normally talk over you, or ignore everything you say, or what? It sounds very manipulative and passive to play these sort of mind games. You need to be sure of yourself and confident in what you want before being able to foster meaningful relationships.

You should actually mean what you say because men aren't mind-readers.

January 8, 2014

Pleased to hear that. You have communication issues, addiction issues, etc....

Ya seems like I should probably get out while I can maybe. It such a shame bc I do care for him. It's just a bit overwhelming.

And maybe I was secretly hoping someone could convince me that splitting the bill on dates (lack of a lot of effort) is not so bad, but reading about how that other users FIRST date went makes me feel like I deserve that!

January 8, 2014

Ya seems like I should probably get out while I can maybe. It such a shame bc I do care for him. It's just a bit overwhelming.

And maybe I was secretly hoping someone could convince me that splitting the bill on dates (lack of a lot of effort) is not so bad, but reading about how that other users FIRST date went makes me feel like I deserve that!

You have to earn that too. RR probably returns the same herself.

January 8, 2014

Because you offered to pay! Are you not used to taken seriously?

To be honest, I would have started a thread on his porn addiction or his ED if I was concerned. Those things seem to be a million times more important than his accepting your offer to buy a drink.

I think OP that you have your priorities the wrong way round. Quite significantly so.

Ditto on this...

His lack of effort though, might also be an indication of a guy who is rather 'meh' on life or is depressed... which also is consistent with someone who has a porn addiction and ED that is not related to a physical problem.

So, I might ask, how did you learn about these other issues?? Guys don't tend to volunteer that off the bat.

January 8, 2014

I think this is a bad idea.

You shouldn't force a man into a corner to express any concerns. I think it will be more tactful to actually ask him about this without making ultimatums. But then I saw this:

How old are you?
Have you ever been in a long term relationship before?
How often do you date?

It seems as though you've been left in the dark and never really learned how to choose a spouse. You struggle to even share with us what you think about him as a person despite being asked. You even say or do one thing, such as offer money, when you secretly did not want to! Do people normally talk over you, or ignore everything you say, or what? It sounds very manipulative and passive to play these sort of mind games. You need to be sure of yourself and confident in what you want before being able to foster meaningful relationships.

You should actually mean what you say because men aren't mind-readers.

it's hard to type everything about how I feel about him. and I didn't want his other issues factor into this discussion bc ultimately that's not what I'm asking about in this thread. I think I'm a reasonable person who does know how to date and choose someone right for me. But yes I am learning that with men, u like with women, you have to be direct, men don't seem to read beyond what is said.

January 8, 2014

Ya seems like I should probably get out while I can maybe. It such a shame bc I do care for him. It's just a bit overwhelming.

And maybe I was secretly hoping someone could convince me that splitting the bill on dates (lack of a lot of effort) is not so bad, but reading about how that other users FIRST date went makes me feel like I deserve that!

Given your frustration with the sexual situation (yea, that was me in your other thread, advocating you give this guy a chance) and this 'new' development, I have to change my advice. Let this guy go. Find someone who can give you everything you need. Good luck.

January 8, 2014

You have to earn that too. RR probably returns the same herself.

True but it was their first date...

January 8, 2014

you have to be direct, men don't seem to read beyond what is said.

Yes. If you master this part, your communication issues will disappear. You may have more conflict short term but it will work better long term.

January 8, 2014

Ditto on this...

His lack of effort though, might also be an indication of a guy who is rather 'meh' on life or is depressed... which also is consistent with someone who has a porn addiction and ED that is not related to a physical problem.

So, I might ask, how did you learn about these other issues?? Guys don't tend to volunteer that off the bat.

He told me. Which I know was hard for him, and which I really admire in him and I have grown to care for him because of his willingness to be vulnerable with me early on. He's very honest and I am also with him, except for this lack of effort issue which I feel silly talking to him about but I think I will bc it is important to me

January 8, 2014

I know people will post about gender equality and feminist movement..which I am all for, but I don't think chivalry and feminism have to be in contention with one another. To me, they are completely different things.

It's like having your cake and eating it too.

OP, I don't mind paying at all. It isn't really that big of a deal, but you played yourself. How can I possibly view you as an equal?

January 8, 2014

He told me. Which I know was hard for him, and which I really admire in him and I have grown to care for him because of his willingness to be vulnerable with me early on. He's very honest and I am also with him, except for this lack of effort issue which I feel silly talking to him about but I think I will bc it is important to me

Will you post an update after you tell him that you can no longer see him because he doesn't pay for stuff? Curious to hear his reaction.

January 8, 2014

Given your frustration with the sexual situation (yea, that was me in your other thread, advocating you give this guy a chance) and this 'new' development, I have to change my advice. Let this guy go. Find someone who can give you everything you need. Good luck.

Thanks Midwest! Always look forward to your advice. It honestly breaks my heart but taking EVERYTHING into consideration I think I do need to end things.

I want him to be happy and be able to deal with his problem but I know I can't be the one to do that. And the fact that I'm also not seeing the amount of effort I want while in our initial stages of dating...well I guess I have my answer

Ugh i guess my next question is how do you break up with someone you like and care about lol

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Am I insane for wanting to be wined and dined?

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