chicaboom Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I've just started seeing someone and I really like him, but I am extremely annoyed with the fact that he has never actually paid entirely for any of our dates, and didn't come and pick me up during our last date. Before you attack me, let me say that we always split the bills on the date, and I don't really mind, but in the beginning I guess I would like some romance and chivalry...is it crazy for me to want him to take me out-in all sense of the phrase (e.g., pick me up, pay for dinner) essentially wine and dine me!!! I know people will post about gender equality and feminist movement..which I am all for, but I don't think chivalry and feminism have to be in contention with one another. To me, they are completely different things. I feel a bit shallow about this but it does bother me. I am of the mindset that if I guy really likes you and wants you he will go to the moon and back, or just pay for dinner the first few times. Not even our first date did he do that, we split the bill! Is this dump worthy??? Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Is this dump worthy??? No. Discussion worthy, maybe. Although I don't know how you broach that subject with tact. "I really like you, but I want you to pay for our dates sometimes if we are to continue seeing each other." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 What do you think of him as a person? That's really all that matters. You do not know his situation. How his finances are, if he's donating a lot of money to charity, if he's helping pay for surgery for someone who needs it, etc. Personally when dating I never took a woman anywhere that cost money on the first date. My wallet wasn't opening until I knew I was truly interested in someone. If the first date was crappy at least all I wasted was time. And if a woman was judging me based on what I was paying for I certainly wouldn't have an interest in seeing them any further. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Also -- I don't know what your relationship status is. If you guys are openly dating other people or if you're exclusive. My bet would be you'll see him pay for things once you guys are exclusive. If it's casual dating, I can understand why he'd refrain from paying. He doesn't know if it'll lead anywhere. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I wouldn't like it either. I would want to be treated the first times, even for something really cheap (ice cream by the sea!) if he didnt have much money. I mean, come on, you have 3 dollars, it's enough to make a good impression. It's not the amount but the "gentleman" feeling. I want him to want to impress me. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chicaboom Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) What do you think of him as a person? That's really all that matters. You do not know his situation. How his finances are, if he's donating a lot of money to charity, if he's helping pay for surgery for someone who needs it, etc. Personally when dating I never took a woman anywhere that cost money on the first date. My wallet wasn't opening until I knew I was truly interested in someone. If the first date was crappy at least all I wasted was time. And if a woman was judging me based on what I was paying for I certainly wouldn't have an interest in seeing them any further. I guess that's where my issue lies. I understand that it can be expensive for guys to date in the way that I would like to date, but it shows a bit of "I really like you!" And is so romantic and shows to me that not only does he like me and wants to show me a good time but that he wants ME to like him. Based on your explanation to me it seems like he isn't that into me, which is not what I want at all. Also we've been now on 5 dates and all of them we have split the bill. So it isn't just a first date thing. As for ending things I will just tell him I like to be wined and dined and perhaps we're not on the same page dating wise which also says to me we may not be on the same page relationship wise. what does everyone else think? Edited January 8, 2014 by chicaboom 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I wouldn't personally consider it a deal-breaker, but it does somewhat take away from the feeling of romance to split the bill, I agree. At the end of the day, though, it's your preferences that matter, not mine or anyone else's. And if something is bothering you a lot this early on, what is the point of investing further in a relationship? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Personally, I would be less impressed about him not picking YOU up (or at least making the offer) than not picking up the tab. To me, it's more about the effort than the $. That being said, however, I am of the mind that whoever extends the invitation pays the tab unless it's a casual..."hey, I'm going to xxxx for dinner, want to join me?". 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I wouldn't like it either. I would want to be treated the first times, even for something really cheap (ice cream by the sea!) if he didnt have much money. I mean, come on, you have 3 dollars, it's enough to make a good impression. It's not the amount but the "gentleman" feeling. I want him to want to impress me. What about inpressing you with his personality? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Why do you "really like him"? You should just decide if those reasons outweigh his cheapness and go from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I guess that's where my issue lies. I understand that it can be expensive for guys to date in the way that I would like to date, but it shows a bit of "I really like you!" And is so romantic and shows to me that not only does he like me and wants to show me a good time but that he wants ME to like him. Based on your explanation to me it seems like he isn't that into me, which is not what I want at all. Also we've been now on 5 dates and all of them we have split the bill. So it isn't just a first date thing. As for ending things I will just tell him I like to be wined and dined and perhaps we're not on the same page dating wise which also says to me we may not be on the same page relationship wise. what does everyone else think? That based on this post you aren't really ready for a long term relationship because you don't know how you to pick a quality partner. Yes romantic gestures are important but if you think a guy's emotions towards you can be accurately gauged by the amount of money he spends on you, you are set up for a whole world of pain and will be continuously taken advantage of in your dating life. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 What about inpressing you with his personality? I'm impressed by generosity (among other things). 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Impressed* (typo on my post) I'm impressed by generosity (among other things). Lol. I see. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 What about inpressing you with his personality? Oh c'mon. By that logic, there's nothing wrong with showing up at dates with bed-hair and pyjamas, then - after all, shouldn't they be impressed with your personality? Different people are attracted to different things. Being treated plays a part in the OP's attraction, so she should be honest to herself and acknowledge it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chicaboom Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 That based on this post you aren't really ready for a long term relationship because you don't know how you to pick a quality partner. Yes romantic gestures are important but if you think a guy's emotions towards you can be accurately gauged by the amount of money he spends on you, you are set up for a whole world of pain and will be continuously taken advantage of in your dating life. It's my the amount of money he spends on me that bothers me. it's the lack of the gesture. As someone mentioned above he could have bought me a $3 Icecream and that would have been great. The fact that he continuously expects me to split the bill and one time I even offered to pay for the entire meal (hopefully hinting to him that it's a nice gesture)... Another time he paid for my meal and when I offered money he said "you can buy me a drink". It's really not about the money it's the gesture.. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I guess that's where my issue lies. I understand that it can be expensive for guys to date in the way that I would like to date, but it shows a bit of "I really like you!" And is so romantic and shows to me that not only does he like me and wants to show me a good time but that he wants ME to like him. Based on your explanation to me it seems like he isn't that into me, which is not what I want at all. Also we've been now on 5 dates and all of them we have split the bill. So it isn't just a first date thing. As for ending things I will just tell him I like to be wined and dined and perhaps we're not on the same page dating wise which also says to me we may not be on the same page relationship wise. what does everyone else think? His lack of paying in no way says he isn't interested. He may just be progressive and wants to split things rather than pay for his date. I think it's ridiculous to make his not paying for you a deal breaker. You may make that statement and get a response back of "I really like you but I wanted a girl who could stand on her own two feet and didn't equate money to feelings". 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 It's my the amount of money he spends on me that bothers me. it's the lack of the gesture. As someone mentioned above he could have bought me a $3 Icecream and that would have been great. The fact that he continuously expects me to split the bill and one time I even offered to pay for the entire meal (hopefully hinting to him that it's a nice gesture)... Another time he paid for my meal and when I offered money he said "you can buy me a drink". It's really not about the money it's the gesture.. So he paid for your meal, you offered money and he took it as an offer from a woman who says what she means? Is this what the problem is? That he believes when you tell him you want to pay your share? I'm confused 6 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Impressed* (typo on my post) Lol. I see. No, really. When I was young and naive I had gone out with someone who didn't think like this. I didn't mind back then, and gave him a chance. He ended up being stingy/calculating when it came to affection as well. One day, he said; "there was this girl who I wanted to date. I bought her a silver necklace and then I asked her out.". That was the moment that I felt, hm, how to put it. Secondary. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 OP, I tell men I date that I prefer if we find things that are cheap or free to do while we are getting to know each other. I've never made a man's willingness to pay for me a dealbreaker... I'm more interested in the care he takes in planning a date, how attentive he is in that date and subsequent dates, and our mutual rapport. I just started OLD again and met someone for the first time last weekend. We met at the local state park to do some snowshoeing and ice skating. Without telling me in advance, he got there early and scoped out the conditions and the best place for skating (there are two rinks). He had brought lawn chairs, and set them up for us. We had a really good time. Cost = $0 (although we did go to Wendy's afterward since I was starving... I'd also ran 10 miles with my running group that morning!). Yes, I pulled out my wallet when I ordered, but he insisted on paying for my salad and cup of chili, haha. My advice? loosen up. There are lots of things to do that require effort that are cheap or free... and say a lot more about him as a person than plunking down $$ on someone he hardly knows. I wouldn't do it... so I can't expect guys to do it either... Oh, and what did I bring to the table, you may ask? I rode the bus the hour it took to get there... and brought some chocolate covered bacon and salted caramel/dark chocolate I'd made special the night before. Yes, I said chocolate covered bacon. It's amazing! 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Yes, I said chocolate covered bacon. It's amazing! Must admit, I have reservations about that.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 It's my the amount of money he spends on me that bothers me. it's the lack of the gesture. As someone mentioned above he could have bought me a $3 Icecream and that would have been great. The fact that he continuously expects me to split the bill and one time I even offered to pay for the entire meal (hopefully hinting to him that it's a nice gesture)... Another time he paid for my meal and when I offered money he said "you can buy me a drink". It's really not about the money it's the gesture.. So you're saying he did buy your meal? Sounds like he did make a gesture. So in 5 dates he paid for one, so that means he's paid your way 20% of the time. What percentage is enough to make you feel that he cares? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chicaboom Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 His lack of paying in no way says he isn't interested. He may just be progressive and wants to split things rather than pay for his date. I think it's ridiculous to make his not paying for you a deal breaker. You may make that statement and get a response back of "I really like you but I wanted a girl who could stand on her own two feet and didn't equate money to feelings". it's not the only thing that is a dealbreak tbh...there are other major things such as his addiction to porn and his ED issues lol. I really like him otherwise and feel like I've given it a good chance and maybe now I am finding other reasons to end things. again thiough is not the money... I think chivalry is dead I can absolutely pay for my dinner his dinner the whole restaurant'a dinner if I wanted, but that one tiny gesture from a date that "I know you can pay, but I actually would like to treat you because I like you" says a lot I think to women or some women. It's just nice to be wined and dined and made to feel special. It's not about how much money he spends on me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 His lack of paying in no way says he isn't interested. He may just be progressive and wants to split things rather than pay for his date. I think it's ridiculous to make his not paying for you a deal breaker. You may make that statement and get a response back of "I really like you but I wanted a girl who could stand on her own two feet and didn't equate money to feelings". It is what it is bro. She says she really likes him but just can't get past him not paying for dates. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is a dumpable offense. For him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chicaboom Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 So you're saying he did buy your meal? Sounds like he did make a gesture. So in 5 dates he paid for one, so that means he's paid your way 20% of the time. What percentage is enough to make you feel that he cares? He paid for one, but expected me to pay for the next part of the date-drinks. So he only paid expecting to get compensated for the next part. Couldn't he have said "don't worry about it?" And leave it at that? Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 it's not the only thing that is a dealbreak tbh...there are other major things such as his addiction to porn and his ED issues lol. I really like him otherwise and feel like I've given it a good chance and maybe now I am finding other reasons to end things. again thiough is not the money... I think chivalry is dead I can absolutely pay for my dinner his dinner the whole restaurant'a dinner if I wanted, but that one tiny gesture from a date that "I know you can pay, but I actually would like to treat you because I like you" says a lot I think to women or some women. It's just nice to be wined and dined and made to feel special. It's not about how much money he spends on me. I think it's valid. You have your own values (which are the same as mine), and hold on to them. What I've learned, is no exceptions when it comes to personal standards and expectations (I made a poem ). Link to post Share on other sites
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